I can do this!

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(@Anonymous)
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I am a compulsive gambler...in fact I think I'm a compulsive person full stop. 6 months ago I discovered online games and have managed to put myself into £6000 worth of debt, let my children down, lied to loved ones, used their money (which I have now realised to myself is outright theft, even if I replaced it, no excuse it's theft that I cannot keep lying to myself about). I have become someone I dislike, I'm angry, ashamed and sad. To list all the deceitful stuff I have done would take me pages of writing, and as I go on and reflect I will need to get them out, it's strange because before this week I could excuse my bad behaviour and actually make myself believe what I was doing was ok, I believed my own lies. The last 6 months I have been like a robot with day to day life, only just doing enough to get through, my house is tidy not clean, my children are fed and looked after but no quality fun time with them, my relationship with my partner is odd, although I thought all was well, I have made him feel he's not good enough, I'm thinking of the times I have been horrid about money and made him feel he's not contributing enough, he struggles with money and is not very good with it, but instead of support I have planted seeds in his head that our money struggles over Christmas were his fault and I actually believed this...so my relationship needs sorting, I have damaged that too. I used to have my nails done and hair cut regularly, and care about my clothes and appearance, in the last 6 months I have bought no new clothes and only put the minimal effort into how I look, that's not the real me. Now I'm thinking about things...the true scale of the damage is becoming clear. It's bad. So every bad thought, everything I regret needs to go in this diary, so I can see in black and white what destruction my addiction has caused, and hopefully I can look back and see how far I have come some day.

Day 1- lost every penny yesterday, enough is enough. Self excluded from every online site I could find or think of.

Day 2-5 called everyone I owe money too and arranged payment plans, this felt good. My head is thinking it's because I have no money that I'm feeling this strong, if my bank was full I would gamble.....I tell myself this is not true, but who's talking? Me or the addiction, realise I can't trust my own thoughts right now, I don't know which side of me is talking. I join another well know online community for gamblers...write a huge post (need too see in black and white what I have done) and it has to be approved first, waiting patiently for someone to see it and just tell me it's going to be ok, but nothing, it's not posted and 24 hours later I find this site! Straight away I feel less lonely, straight away I feel support, and those of you who offered that first support i thank you from the bottom of my heart.

TODAY- DAY 7!!!!! I need to tell my partner, I don't know how to, I'm scared. Last night we watched TV and my head was screaming, TELL HIM TELL HIM, all night it was in my head, playing out how I should tell him, how to start, but I just couldn't. I'm stuck, any advice? My sleep was awful, I was dreaming of gambling, I woke up and thought I had gambled...was gutted, then within seconds realised it was a dream, I'm on day 7 and I will not gamble. Need to get my barriers high, but cannot do that without telling my partner, he needs to install software on my devices and take control of money, another odd thing...his dad was/is a gambler...I have seen my partner gamble too, he is a member of a few sites...and not great with money...I have questioned it in my head before, accused him in my head of being an addict (yes seriously I accused someone of being an addict, almost laughable) is this feeling because I was guilty myself???? What on earth would I do if he has a problem, my head is now spinning....could he be?? Wow my head is messed up...I'm rambling :-/ I know my own answer, I have to talk to him.

 
Posted : 17th January 2016 9:26 am
kevz123
(@kevz123)
Posts: 86
 

Nice lazy sunday, probably the best time to do it. Give him time to digest it properly and put things in motion, especially installing web filters!
It's easy for a gambler to "quit" when they are skint - I did that a hundred times. Delaying telling him now isn't just fear of his reaction, it's the fear that it is actually the end of you being able to gamble.

Blocking yourself from sites is a positive step but it's also reversible. Plus you'll always find another site to play on, there are thousands.

Positive steps, get those barriers up and keep updating your diary..Positive or negative this community are the best support network for a gambler anywhere, all they ask for is honestly (with yourself).

Kev.

 
Posted : 17th January 2016 9:41 am
(@Anonymous)
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Topic starter
 

Morning Kev

i know..he is sat 2 foot away from me on the sofa, he has no idea what I'm writing, he's watching TV...my head says why make him suffer too? Why break his heart, but I also know the thoughts in my head maybe the gambler...

this is hard, harder than I could ever imagine.

Thank you for commenting, it feels good to know people are out there.

 
Posted : 17th January 2016 9:47 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Will sound crazy but hey, if you've got past page 1 of my crazy diary you will know that that's what gambling does to us...What about a text?

 
Posted : 17th January 2016 10:40 am
(@Anonymous)
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How's it going, been thinking about you, telling your OH.

Suzanne xxx

 
Posted : 17th January 2016 2:21 pm
(@Anonymous)
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Topic starter
 

I did it! I told my partner, and he was fantasic! He understood as he has been through it with his dad, he was more sad that I didn't tell him sooner, we have gone through everything I owe, I feel like the luckiest lady alive today. The person I love knows and is ready to do anything to support me, I cannot put into words the relief I feel, my recovery can start right here xx

 
Posted : 17th January 2016 4:08 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

That is good news, well done you, for getting it out

Suzanne xxx

 
Posted : 17th January 2016 5:54 pm
WCID
 WCID
(@wcid)
Posts: 373
 

Hi just been reading your thread I'm so pleased you have been able to tell your partner and he is being supportive of you. Good luck on your journey to recovery and a happy gf future. - wcid x

 
Posted : 17th January 2016 6:49 pm
(@Anonymous)
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Topic starter
 

Wcid thank you for your support! X

Day 8

im feeling positive, lots of work to do today, got to build my once busy business back up! I don't think I have done a full days work since November, working for yourself from home with no one else to check on you is not the best job for a cg, this morning I would normally be willing on the start of the boys school day so I could get home and log on, to just play for as many hours as I could to make what ever money I had or could get hold of last.

Not today thou! I'm back! Sort through what little stock I have and start again! It's going to take a while, but I started from nothing a few years ago and I can build it again.

My partner was brilliant yesterday, I'm not sure why I'm almost moaning about it, but by last night he was acting like nothing had happened, I don't know what I was expecting (obviously bad!) but I think I should be suffering more, sounds wierd? I don't know how to explain it really, maybe I feel he's let me off too lightly and I deserve more punishment for what I have done.

today I know I will not gamble, I hope everyone else has a great day xx

 
Posted : 18th January 2016 7:36 am
Oldhamktf
(@oldhamktf)
Posts: 1791
 

Well done on telling your OH to me this shows you really want to stop its but a secret anymore the biggest step in admitting we have a problem is sharing with our loved ones

Keeo it up you've made a great start in 8 days.

KTF

 
Posted : 18th January 2016 7:48 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
Topic starter
 

Thank you KTF!

so it's 945 and the boys are at school, wow the urge is strong...there is no doubt in my mind that if I could I would...so glad my barriers are up, feeling weak and sad, an hour ago I was feeling strong and positive and now feeling rubbish, my head is running and spinning, even thinking how I could get round my barriers...how stupid is that. The truth is I can't thou which is a flipping good job, trying to concentrate on work but finding it hard, feeling almost spaced, like I'm not really here, just going through the motions.

Cancelled a direct debit I remembered thou! Logged in to see my empty bank (my partner now has full access and card) and saw the direct debit for the postcode lottery, I hadn't thought about that one, but I thought of the excitement of opening the emails from them incase I had won...yep it has to go! Then my thoughts flicked to scratch cards...any idea how I deal with them? When I pop to pick up milk etc in local shops? I have always bought them, not loads but often...that one is down to shear will power eh??? Luckily they are not my weakness, but hey anything involving gambling is a weakness...b****r any tips?? Although not having money is of course going to help...but I'm still going to have a small amount of pocket money...so can I even be trusted to buy milk!! What!!! I need to get stronger, ok no pocket money...? And by pocket money I'm talking a couple of coins....I have to get a grip, sounding like an idiot!!

This is going to be a bumpy ride.

 
Posted : 18th January 2016 10:02 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Day 8? You're doing well. Don't worry too much about the ups and downs of your moods. It's to be expected. Recovery on here is often described as a rollercoaster and you're beginning to see why! I can remember those early days so well...I'd be happy as larry, feeling strong and positive and then bam! I'd be hit with urges or just a general feeling of wanting to rip someone's head off. In time, it will pass.

It's crazy what the gambling monster can do to us though. Just yesterday you were scared stiff of telling your partner, blocking all avenues and honestly saying you never want to do it again, and then this morning Mr. G is whispering in your ear to have another go. Don't listen to him. It's a good job you've got your blocks in place.It's probably a habit...did you usually go online once the boys were at school? I know I did.You'll break those habits though, and make new healthy ones instead.

I was never a scratchcard girl. Couldn't see the point. Online slots were my only thing, but I have read on here about people who stopped with one form of gambling and then ended up hooked on scratchcards instead, so it's great that you're already aware of that and are following the be prepared motto (were you a girl guide?!!). If a pint of milk is all you need, then just take a pound...or get someone else to go to the shops. I think this is one area where iron determination is needed and keeping in mind that one card could undo all your good work.

Onwards and upwards.

LifeBegins x

 
Posted : 18th January 2016 11:45 am
(@Anonymous)
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Topic starter
 

Hi

thank you, it's replies like yours that are going to get me through this! And yes....the minute they were at school it became 'my time'.

My partner just walked through door as he forgot something for work, he said are you ok and I burst into tears, he asked what was wrong......he's amazing but in that one sentence I thought bang, there it is you don't understand, and of course how could he! My head screamed 'what do you mean what's wrong!!!! Did you not listen yesterday, I'm a complete f*** up!!!! I'm a mess!!!' But actually that's just selfish and ridiculous so I'm glad I kept my mouth closed ! The poor man has no idea what he's living with, he said don't worry it's only money, we all make mistakes and it can be sorted. I guess what I didn't explain was just how bad I feel, not bad as in sorry (I am that too!) how bad...how the addiction feels so strong that I can't concentrate. Right now I feel sick, almost shaky, spinning head, it's like a cold turkey from drugs...is that even possible? Does it feel like that for anyone? I'm thinking week one was a piece of cake! Because I still could have last week if I had really tried maybe that kept me settled? And now today because all my avenues are blocked it's driving me crazy...is this normal ? I need to get out the house, my little one has an appointment later but the next few hours are empty until they finish school, I'm going to find a friends house for a cuppa I think! One of those friends that I haven't seen for a while...that I ditched for wasting money and turning my life upside down.

xx

 
Posted : 18th January 2016 12:16 pm
Oldhamktf
(@oldhamktf)
Posts: 1791
 

You can do it!!!

Go and see that friend keep busy and remember you can do it

 
Posted : 18th January 2016 12:36 pm
kevz123
(@kevz123)
Posts: 86
 

AER I am so pleased you told him, this can only make you stronger together.
Have you thought about directing him here to the friends and family section? It might just give him a jolt and make him realise quite how serious this addiction is...as an outsider looking in it must seem preposterous that people can get so destructively hooked.

 
Posted : 18th January 2016 1:46 pm
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