I can do this!

You're doing all the right things and well done for reaching day 7. Like you say seeing it in black and white and acknowledging you have a problem and don't want gambling to control your life is a huge step.Best wishes and heres to being free of this habit

AER1983 wrote:

I am a compulsive gambler...in fact I think I'm a compulsive person full stop. 6 months ago I discovered online games and have managed to put myself into £6000 worth of debt, let my children down, lied to loved ones, used their money (which I have now realised to myself is outright theft, even if I replaced it, no excuse it's theft that I cannot keep lying to myself about). I have become someone I dislike, I'm angry, ashamed and sad. To list all the deceitful stuff I have done would take me pages of writing, and as I go on and reflect I will need to get them out, it's strange because before this week I could excuse my bad behaviour and actually make myself believe what I was doing was ok, I believed my own lies. The last 6 months I have been like a robot with day to day life, only just doing enough to get through, my house is tidy not clean, my children are fed and looked after but no quality fun time with them, my relationship with my partner is odd, although I thought all was well, I have made him feel he's not good enough, I'm thinking of the times I have been horrid about money and made him feel he's not contributing enough, he struggles with money and is not very good with it, but instead of support I have planted seeds in his head that our money struggles over Christmas were his fault and I actually believed this...so my relationship needs sorting, I have damaged that too. I used to have my nails done and hair cut regularly, and care about my clothes and appearance, in the last 6 months I have bought no new clothes and only put the minimal effort into how I look, that's not the real me. Now I'm thinking about things...the true scale of the damage is becoming clear. It's bad. So every bad thought, everything I regret needs to go in this diary, so I can see in black and white what destruction my addiction has caused, and hopefully I can look back and see how far I have come some day.

Day 1- lost every penny yesterday, enough is enough. Self excluded from every online site I could find or think of.

Day 2-5 called everyone I owe money too and arranged payment plans, this felt good. My head is thinking it's because I have no money that I'm feeling this strong, if my bank was full I would gamble.....I tell myself this is not true, but who's talking? Me or the addiction, realise I can't trust my own thoughts right now, I don't know which side of me is talking. I join another well know online community for gamblers...write a huge post (need too see in black and white what I have done) and it has to be approved first, waiting patiently for someone to see it and just tell me it's going to be ok, but nothing, it's not posted and 24 hours later I find this site! Straight away I feel less lonely, straight away I feel support, and those of you who offered that first support i thank you from the bottom of my heart.

TODAY- DAY 7!!!!! I need to tell my partner, I don't know how to, I'm scared. Last night we watched TV and my head was screaming, TELL HIM TELL HIM, all night it was in my head, playing out how I should tell him, how to start, but I just couldn't. I'm stuck, any advice? My sleep was awful, I was dreaming of gambling, I woke up and thought I had gambled...was gutted, then within seconds realised it was a dream, I'm on day 7 and I will not gamble. Need to get my barriers high, but cannot do that without telling my partner, he needs to install software on my devices and take control of money, another odd thing...his dad was/is a gambler...I have seen my partner gamble too, he is a member of a few sites...and not great with money...I have questioned it in my head before, accused him in my head of being an addict (yes seriously I accused someone of being an addict, almost laughable) is this feeling because I was guilty myself???? What on earth would I do if he has a problem, my head is now spinning....could he be?? Wow my head is messed up...I'm rambling :-/ I know my own answer, I have to talk to him.

Thanks Sharon, day 2 not 7 but better than none :-). So day 2 is going well, worked most of the day then did some tidying up and as each bad thought popped into my head I said my little hypnotherapy key sentence 'I can do this, I can get through this' and it's worked...placebo effect or really working? I don't know! But it seems too help immediately, like straight away...my little chant is helping yey! I said yesterday it's easy not too gamble when I have no money and my shiney new browser that blocks every site (seriously every site!) it's been put through its paces (not by me hunting for one too log into I must add!) but actually I'm going too give myself some credit because actually it's not easy, and if I had caved then I would have been frantically searching for a way too get round the blocks and I haven't done or felt the need too, I don't think I can get round them, but don't have the desire too try (and fail) so I'm doing good! And I want salad...I never want salad and again placebo effect? But ummm healthy snacking was one of my outlets, I'm definitely feeling good about the hypnotherapy wether it's a big con like some think or not I honestly don't know, but I know it's only day 2 but it's keeping me settled so right now I'm a believer !! (Yep singing that song in my head now 🙂 ) I have read through my diary too today, avoided that bit as it's a s**t read knowing I failed twice, but read someone else's that I remembered started over a year ago like me and I felt rather jealous! They have done it, and I could have been the same as them, but over a year later I'm back were I started. Then I put my childish jealous thoughts too the back of my mind and felt so happy for them, and instead of jealousy I'm going too just use their diary as my inspiration, like all of the diaries on here too be fair, real tales of the real winners, lol I'm want too be a winner too. 🙂

Also I need too work out exactly why I THINK I like slots, I say think because I know the correct answer is I'm an addict and I don't hence why I'm here, but obviously being an addict still I still think I enjoy spending 5 solid hours with my phone in my hand and even taking it on toilet breaks with me (weirdo eh!) and put phone calls on hands free so I can still continue too play, I think me telling myself I get pleasure from it was my downfall last time. I convinced myself it was something I enjoyed (yes I know that once I had lost the rent money it was not enjoyable) BUT WHY do I think it was fun? And within minutes of losing a lot I would then find another avenue too get money too do it all again. I'm guessing there is no answer other than the addiction makes me think I like it? Don't get me wrong I have no urge too gamble right now, day 2 is strong, but at some point I am going too have it, and I will think I'm missing out on a pleasure..and the slope starts, because it's not a b*****y pleasure, the debt and destruction around me is no pleasure, the circle everyday that I have had enough of is not a pleasure, gambling addiction is not a pleasure! But why does a little part of me even knowing everything I know and feel still think it was a pleasure!!! My mouth and heart know but my brain needs too cotton on I think. Do you know it makes me so cross that so many people are in this position, how come some people can have a 'flutter' and walk away, then so many of us are in so much emotional pain because we cannot walk away? We're wired differently for certain (I watched a documentary once). And without putting the blame on anyone else's doorstep because I know of course this is my fault and not any establishments in particulars fault, it's still annoys me that we can do what we do and destroy our lives with no one questioning it, surely seeing people make 15 deposits in a day with 3 different cards, then back the next day and the next doing the same shows abnormal behaviour? Again I know this is my fault, my brain is a little broken but just wanted too put it out there because it makes me sad that right this very second there are others doing what I/we were doing and they have no idea they are ill yet, or they know and don't know how too stop. It just makes me sad that the world even offers something that is so harmful and it's allowed. I guess the same as drink and f**s, some can limit and some can't, but I'm sure as hell the large chains would not be making their money without compulsive gamblers as the ones that can walk away surely don't spend as much. Ok rant over, back too my own recovery 🙂

Morning day 3 🙂

This time of the morning would be a gambling time normally, wake up before everyone else sneak down stairs and play, not today! Firstly I can't (good start) but I do not have the urge too either. I'm thinking about it a lot, really a lot, but no desperate feelings or thoughts of how too get round it so that's good I think! Today might be a test of those feelings as my partner will go off too work and it's just me my and the little ones, which again was prime time. Terrible that even thou I was here with my children I spent hardly anytime with them. I obviously love them with every bone in my body, but I was back too doing the bare minimum too meet their needs and having no fun 🙁 I hate that I can put spinning slots above them, such an awful illness. Where the hell has the last 2 years gone? It's a blur, every single day stuck in the same shameful circle. I used too have a second hand buying and selling buissness that was pretty good, but I gave it up, I worked from home but it got in the way, I spent every penny off profit and pretended I wasn't making money anymore and walked away from it, that's how I covered my losses too my partner for a bit, I have no money because buissness is rubbish. I actually lost my job! But this week I have been thinking about it, I don't think it was the right job for me, I used too buy huge mixed sets of a second hand toy bundles, clean it up and sell it all individually, I knew my items, I new what was of value, I learnt my little field really well, and I made good money, no issue there eh? Well here's where I think it was an issue! I used too spend say 100 on a bundle, split it into 80 or so individual auctions and set them finishing 60 seconds apart over two nights, then I would sit and watch them all finish one after the other waiting for the last seconds bidding frenzy! Then adding up how much I had 'won or lost'. 90% of the time I was a winner and made great profit but there were bad nights too. So what does that sound like to you? It sounds like gambling to me! My entire job was gambling, the thrill of winning and losing. So I have decided it's not something I would be comftable going back too, it would be unhealthy! Luckily for me I have found a little part time admin job that I have been doing for a few months that understand my sons extra needs and are super flexible, it's pretty perfect, and I have been risking it! Sitting at my desk gambling for hours instead of working! w*f! So next week will be a new me at work, focused and productive! My boys are now awake, I'm off too be mum! I'm pretty sure I will be back later as stuff pops into my head, writing might help for a while I think.

Where is everyone? It used to be a constant hub of activity and it all seems too have dulled down this time round? I have gone and 'stalked' the people that I used too see around the most but it's nice too see some have moved on too pastures new, moving on with their lives which is beautiful too see, but that accounts for only a few! Their are lots of dead diarys with no goodbyes just like mine was, I hope they found the strength too move on gamble free but I also know the addiction possibly took them back which is super sad, but there used to be a flurry of people constantly posting and supporting, I'm trying too get round some diaries and new posts too try and find everyone! But not many people about 🙁 I'm glad I'm going too ga tomorrow as I'm looking forward too some interaction, the sites just seems a little odd now! Maybe I'm just not looking in the right place, but people used too come and find you too and so far (thanks Sharron) only one message of support. Maybe it's because I'm a serial relapser. I am at the start again and in the wanting too type all thoughts and feelings down again. I will have a look for some others later that hopefully I can offer some sort of support too, I have tried with a few but know im not in the best place too give advice as I have failed miserably on several occasions! But looking for a bit of team spirit and not finding it yet. Also my email inbox is annoying me! I used too get loads of spam because I had given my email address out too so many sites! But since self excluding from countless sites (and I remember this from last time) it's like they sell your details too every marketing company in the world! Every few mins I get another spam casino/dating/healthcare/green energy email! Irratating :-/

Hi Alice, the site is in a dip @ the minute...Not sure if the captcha is putting people off but it's been dogged with spam & it's rather off putting to say the least.

Good to see you doing things differently this time & accepting that you need to change your entire thought process. The hardest thing about GA is convincing our addict minds that we need it, the one that assures us we did enjoy visiting hell even though we know better. If you look hard enough, you will be able to find a plethora of reasons not to go, most of them based on other addicts scathing assessment of a program that they have never tried. Push through every excuse that comes to mind & go on Sunday with an open mind, the room will take it from there!

Don't feel disheartened by the lack of posts, it doesn't make this a les safe place to come & lots of lurkers will be reading & hopefully getting strength from your words.

Enjoy your salad (I didn't go back after my hypnotherapist told me he couldn't cure me but still have the legacy of a happy place) & keep working on that new life - ODAAT

Hey Odaat, I read your diary yesterday and so pleased too read you were in a good place , not on here as much but for the right reasons! You and Alan were my go to people here, and your journey is good for me too read, and learn from, you said you were happy and that is such a nice thing too read. I am going to the meeting, honestly I belong there, I have read lots say it's not for them but I have failed massively twice now, and if there is any chance it can help me I'm taking it. Failing has I guess given me the insight into what I'm capable of and what went wrong before! Just going to learn from it and move onwards. Instead of self excluding for 6 weeks, 6months or 12 months (for anyone reading!) you know yourself that you will count down days until it's up, in January so many sights open their doors too me again saying welcome back, my emails were flooded with offers of s**ty deposit £20 play with a million type of thing (you know those ones that you have too play through 65 million times to be able too withdraw) they cannot wait too lure you back. So instead of the easy option of logging on and selecting a cool off etc, actually email them! TELL THEM you have a gambling addiction and ask for them too permantley exclude you from all of their sites, seriously, little breaks don't work and you cannot close the door on gambling if you think you might have a way back in at some point, it eats away at you. Mother's Day tomorrow....I'm hosting the dinner so I will have a house full, then I shall be promptly ushering everyone out so I can get too the meeting for 8 🙂 fingers crossed my local one has a nice, understanding bunch who are willing too accept me, it's silly but I worry they willl think I'm a silly little girl, and that they are like hard core ex addicts, but my addiction is very real too me so hopefully it's not like im thinking! Odaat my hypnotist said she has high hopes for me...lol at £65 a pop I'm sure she will keep hoping too) and too be perfectly honest she is a bit of the wall...she was chasing her cat around the room while it was trying too cough up a fur ball, and she likened her over indulgence of attending too many dance classes a month too my addiction, she honestly didn't understand it, and I was a bit worried.. but so far I'm settled so I'm going too keep going with it! Even if it's a placebo...I'm taking everything I can 🙂

Morning day 4, feeling sad, not because I want too gamble thou, it's Mother's Day and my 2 boys were so excited, they had made me wooden hearts with their pictures on, flowers and chocolates, it made me cry because the love they showed me was beautiful and it was a stark reminder of what I am and how I have let them down. They have had a mother that for over 2 years that is different, snappier and selfish. They are 6 and 7 now, can they even remember who I used too be? You would think this thought alone would be enough for me too never gamble again, but that's what makes me even sadder because I know if someone handed me my cards and a screen I would do it, I can put that life ahead of theirs, it's the sickest feeling but at least I can recognise it and can admit exactly what I am and try and fix it now, then maybe they will be too young now too remember me being like this? Maybe it's not too late. I think now is a good time too write down one thing I am totally ashamed of, I may have even written it before but it's something that even other gamblers I think would think is discusting. My son is disabled and he receives dla, HE receives it too make his life better but they pay it too me, have I used it too make it better? No. I try and justify it by saying I pay bills and he has swimming lessons. But the truth is if you look at my bank statement 95% of the time his money pays gambling debts or I gamble with it. Now this too me is rock bottom, I am still trying too justify it in my head that he does have that value spent on him every month but the bottom line is he should have more! Both of my boys should. Come on sort yourself out!! I have spent everyone's money on addiction, theirs, my partners my brother and my sisters, I can lie without batting an eyelid. Im so sick and twisted it's untrue! Today is a full on pity party in my house, I feel awful. So I should as well. Tonight is Ga meeting night, were I belong, i have this terrible stereotyped vision of it I really do and I am so sorry to everyone that goes there that I even have this vision! But even if I walk in there and it was was I thought I'm still going. I need too be in a room and say I am a mess, I need help and support from people that understand, that can share their stories and stear me towards being gamblefree. My partner is amazing but does not truely understand and of course that's not his fault, but i still feel frustrated by it, what's that about? I have no right too feel that way, but still wish he could sit there and talk too me more. We have talked but it's awkward, he does not want me too feel bad so we tend too skip over details, so I need like minded people who really really know. I'm not going too test it but even thou I have said the words 'do not trust a word I say' 'question everything' I think I could still get round him, I think his heart is so lovely that he would want too believe in me, and this will sound rude! But for gods sake Mr! Wake up!!!!! I am horrific! There are no levels that I would not stoop too when I am on one, no boundaries I would not cross!! I told my sister this and she said he needs too toughen up too. This is why I know ultimately this journey is down too me alone. It's my will power that has too do this, no amount of blocks can control my mind. So day 4 you big sad bag of poo, I'm going too get dressed, tidy this house, get too Asda so we have something for roast today, cook for 9 people and try and enjoy this day just a little bit. Then go and find hopefully a room full of people ready too guide me. Maybe this can be a good day.

Hello

What a nice Mday pressie! Shows how much they love you.

Your reaction shows how problematic the mind can be. Sounds like you're really caught up in a deep fog of negative self - judgements which is stopping you from appreciating what's in front of you .

Wake up and smell the roses, as they say. Seriously you don't get prizes for living in the past and beating yourself up- although obviously I understand why you feel guilty. Must be v hard looking after a child with disabilities. Give yourself a break. You can't change the past but you can change the future. You might find mindfulness helps you to be present. Your kids want a mum who's present and engaged not ruminating.

Maybe you need to persevere with talking with your husband? Maybe you need to be really honest with no half measures. Sometimes a half - told accounts and feelings don't connect. Maybe you need to get a better understanding of his POV? Hard if he won't open up but you can try new approaches.

You're doing great keep it up.

Louis

Hiya AER, stop beating yourself up, we all get things wrong as parents. OK, so you used the DLA, it's gone, that is the past, what matters is today. Kids see the best in their mums. They are still little, you have plenty of time to make great memories. Mine are all grown, but I chose the casino over spending an evening with them when they came home. Addictively playing slots is not good, it doesn't make sense, it robs the people that we love of our time, our care, our attention, it is good to recognise that, but then you have to let it go, and concentrate on making today the best day it can be for you and the people you love. I go to GA, I find it a safe place to be, a place where I can give and receive. Hope you have a good evening. Best wishes.

Just got back from my first ga meeting, it was emotional, but I will be going back, I felt welcome. Feeling a bit drained right now, and cannot think very straight but definitely feeling more positive about the future. My partner actually didn't seem that keen on me going, I think he was worried, maybe feeling like I should be getting support from him not a room full of strangers, but when I have a little more emotional strength which is not tonight, I will explain that I need this, and I need people who actually undertand me, he loves me and wants too support me but there is a big difference. I need him, but I need others too...when I got in he asked if it went ok, but he sounds a bit grumpy, I kinda needed a hug and a well done but didn't get it. I guess I do need too understand his point of view more, I didn't expect a big fan fare but I did expect a little more...am I wrong too want more? He must be emotionally drained too and I get that, actually I think I'm being a bit selfish expecting more. He's doing more than enough already. This is my journey not his. I made this mess so expecting a pat on the back was proberly a bit much! Today was actually a lovely day, had a lovely dinner with family and enjoyed being with everyone so much, we laughed a lot and there has been zero urge too gamble today, just a lot of reflection at the start and end! Next Mother's Day I will be a different person, hopefully the old me, 4 days down, and on my way too being gamble free.

Hmmm, I had a similar response when I 1st said I was heading off to Gloucester to see day@atime for a meeting...He doesn't know why but I imagine their thoughts on the subject are probably similar to ours. Why would they want their loved ones marching off to a roomful of broke old men.

Early on in my recovery I was all gung ho, doing it my way & celebrating every day because I hadn't gambled & if I was in denial before then he'd well & truly taken ownership of that particular tshirt. He'd never financially suffered @ the hands of my madness & to all intent purposes, I was keeping it together so he had no real reason to believe I did have. Seems I've worn him down over the months because for me, the transparency was keeping it real. Admittedly, he's had some crazy to deal with in that time & now he's way more encouraging (& not just because he wants me out of the house, I promise). Did you tell hubby you needed a hug ? Or go get it anyway? He's on your side so be as honest as you can. Tell him you need to be watched like a hawk, remind him if you have to to keep an eye on the money & tell him it's because he can trust you with his life but not with his money.

It IS a big step walking through those doors & from one gambler to another, I'm sending you that pat on the back...WELL DONE 🙂 I'm also very pleased that you were made to feel welcome & you're going back 🙂

Support @ home is vital but he won't 'get it' (not sure that's the right phrase because do we either but you know what I mean) like we do. Remember, if he needs it, GamCare is here for him too & there is GamAnon for loved ones as well as Open meetings down the line @ GA if he wants to see how it's run.

Sleep well & sweet dreams - Kelly

I sat on the sofa Kelly opposite ends in silence! He was watching tv and I was on my phone on here...I was sad and feeling a little cross! Kelly once I read your reply I thought 'get that hug' why it hadn't occurred too me too get it myself and expect him too come too me I'm not quite sure, but i put my phone down and made some small talk about the tv, and then moved along and held his hand. I got my hug :-). This must be so awkward for him, and I have a lot of work too do, we didn't talk about anything but baby steps. I'm now faced with my next dilema, it was said at the meeting that I should get too as many as possible each week, and I agree and really want too go to another meeting, there is one tonight that is pretty close and they said too try and come along, but now I feel bad asking too go out again! But I think especially right now it will help. I have so much I want too say and a lot of it pretty dark and after just one meeting I know I can trust these people, and I feel proud of myself for going last night, my pat on the back from you actually means a lot! Thank you. So day 5, right now I would normally be gambling, partner is in bed and boys are playing, I know there is some money in my bank, I got a payment every Monday, but i can't gamble and I'm not confident too say if I could I wouldn't, I have a feeling I would do it. That is why my blocks are so important, I can't so I won't. Very different to 'I just won't'. Only day 5 and I have some really raw emotion, and mr gamble is still very strong in me, surppressed mainly by guilt and sadness and I know those two emotions are not enough too beat him, so it's the blocks job until such time and I'm stronger, which ever year that may be :-). Now I have too decide on tonight!

Good on you for reaching out to him & yup, baby steps is all it needs. Progress, not perfection! It's not going to come easy, you've been hiding behind gambling for so long & I'm pretty sure you would have needed your distance to do that? You will need to figure out how to bridge that gap & that may mean actually asking for support from your husband be that physical or verbal.

I've been very selfish in my recovery because carrying on gambling would have destroyed me & everything around me. I was able to articulate that pretty easily & I understand that not everyone goes @ things like a bull in a china shop. Problem is, unless he's on board @ home, holding you tight as you sob, allowing you to talk & actually engaging when you do, going to the meetings is your recovery. Now is important to you as it's like laying the foundations to a house...The more solid they are the better chance for longevity of whatever goes on top. Try not to focus on what you might do, what you are doing is what counts & if it's the blocks stopping you then well done you for having the strength to put them in.

Recovery doesn't happen by chance.

I went too the meeting last night, I didn't feel quite as comftable as I did in my local one but still a great group of people, things are strained I think with my partner, he's said he understands what I'm going through and wants me too talk too him when I need too as opposed too the meeting I guess. So I tried too explain with one of my emails...it went down like a lead ballon!! He says he understands because a few years ago while signed off sick he P****d loads of money up the wall and knows the urge, I politely tried too explain it's absolutely not the same!!!!!! He can still gamble now and walk away! Having a bad few months is totally different, it's frustrating too be honest, I know some on here would love too have a partner too stand by them, but mines the other way! I actually think he could hinder recovery, I need these ga meetings, I need him too be strong. I have asked him too google the illness, he said he doesn't need to he already knows, aaaarrrgggg!!! You don't!!! He doesn't need too talk too others either, the family and friends section isn't of interest because yep he already knows. God I would have sold him if it meant I could gamble some days. So I thought ok, just leave it, went too the meeting, came home and tried too talk and got nowhere, he was tired, he grunted at me and I went too bed. I know this is hard, and I need more patience, but it's making me not want too talk too him. I also know I could get my cards back in a blink of an eye, so I need new blocks. I haven't gambled, and have no intention too, ga, here, hypnotherapy, willpower, and some half arsed blocks are going too get me through. Why do I feel so annoyed?? I'm just going too crack on as I am, it's a shame because his actual support, love and hugs would be helpful but I have too do what feels like the right way for me and that's ga meetings. His male pride will have too be bruised because I'm going. I want too beat this.