I cannot win because I cannot stop

Well done on 23 days Stu, getting near to one whole month, how good Is that.

Suzanne xxx

Well done, every day is a victory.

Hi Stu.. and thanks for your support.

I have read your diary. I of course relate to much of it. I have been going around the revolving door of gambling and abstaining for many years. As you suggest, it changes you, it has changed me as a person. I have become weary, moody and depressed. At times I have lost hope but somehow I have always managed to bring myself back from the brink. Life is hard enough even without bringing gambling into the mix.

Its time for me to stay stopped and the same goes for you my friend and from what you say, your working recovery well. Keep up the good work. Regards... S.A

Well done Stu. So hard to fight an urge but you're doing so well. You cannot change the past, if only, but you do sound positive about the future. Good luck and I look forward to hearing your progress.

Stu.

My friend it's good to see you are again building continued days of abstinence.

We have walked this road together before.

I hope you have learned many lessons through recovery, I today thank you for the one that you have gifted me.

To post here every day is wonderful therapy, it retains momentum, gifts our resolve and with each word typed a blow is struck right where it hurts addiction.

I sincerely hope that you stick around to continue enjoying the long term benefits of a commitment to abstinence.

Without doubt by doing so you will gift yourself the opportunity to make amends for those shortfalls and most importantly enjoy a future without the self created misery that is the placing of that next punt.

Enjoy it, embrace recovery my friend.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

DAY 24

thank you everyone for your supportive, encouraging and kind words.

It was 'mental health Sunday' yesterday, and the preacher at Mass talked very openly about depression and addiction amongst other things. There was one sentence I can't quite remember but it was about what a difficult place addiction was and how each day an addict stays free from their addiction is an achievement to be celebrated. It was good to hear.

I will not gamble today and will try to make amends for what I have done.

Stuxx

Well done Stu! So pleased for you to get to 24 days, but don't stop now!

DAY 25

I have been thinking about what it means to make amends:

• to try to put right any wrongs done
• in some way to atone for the wrong that has been done
• to change the destructive and addictive habits
• to commit to a different way of living
• where possible to admit our wrong doing to those we have hurt

I'm sure my list is not complete, its a tall order. But I will not gamble today and will try and make amends where I can for the wrong I have done.

Stux

Stu.

Fella I think you have omitted to adding the most important thing

LIVE LIFE TO IT'S MAXIMUM POTENTIAL AND ENJOY IT.

I believe that addiction and our feeding of it leads or leaves us to believe that we are not worthy of good things being bestowed upon us, that we need to punish ourselves in a fashion to atone for our misgivings.

For me fella we have suffered enough through our commitment to addiction, now through recovery it's time to start living.

By that I don't mean forget the past, to face life we have to honour our debt,financially and emotionally and by dealing with the carnage brought through our gambling we offer ourselves redemption.

But this in my mind has to be married with today's living, embrace life, gift it the effort you have gifted the futile act of gamblin, the result is chalk and cheese.

Without commitment to living addiction will lay dormant until such a time when it can stand and profess to the pointless life your maintaining and sing that old load of co#ck and bull about the answer it offers.

Without those gambling goggles that distort the picture what is on offer for the active compulsive gambler is unadulterated misery.

Stu you arrested the self created misery, time to start enjoying the rewards.

Recovery is by no means a sentence of punishment surely it's a new dawning of whatever you want it to behold.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

DAY 26

yeah I understand what you are saying Dunc. There is so much to make right though.

But you are right, living in the present moment is the greatest gift.. One of my favourite writers said: "each day is an adventure daring us to be more fully alive". I like that. I will try and live life to its maximum potential and enjoy it by living in the present moment. Its all I have.

Yesterday was so hard. The addiction was raging inside my head. I was grumpy and agitated- couldn't focus on my work. But I didn't gamble. I wont gamble today either.

take care people

Stuxx

Thanks for popping by Stu, and well done you for getting through a hard day, You did it.be very proud of yourself,

Keep on going and keep winning.

Suzanne xxx

DAY 27

thanks Suzanne

Its a happy day for our family, one of our children's birthdays. Lots of celebrating and a thankful heart for these wonderful people that I share my life with.

I will not gamble today and will try to make amends for the wrong I have done.

Stux

Enjoy the birthday celebrations Stu, and have a great family gambling free day.

Suzanne xxx

DAY 29

Had a massive shock on Thursday when the garage said it would cost £1000 for MOT, service and repairs to my old car. Got very emotional and panicky was tempted to go and gamble what little I had so that it might become £1000, but then realised that would not happen and was not the answer to my problem. Instead took a deep breath, negotiated with the garage man and we worked out a plan to do what was absolutely needed to be done to pass the MOT and then a list of priorities to do the rest when I could afford it. Felt good that I didn't gamble. Nearly 30 days. Desperately want to put the past behind me and move forward, trying to live life to the full today. I know old sins cast long shadows so will have to deal with things/consequences of gambling as and when they come.

I will not gamble today and will try where I can to make amends for the wrong I have done

Stux

DAY 30

yey! 30 days. Feels like a good achievement. Mass today and then another birthday meal for our family (we've all got birthdays in May!!- well it feels like that anyway). 30 seems like a good foundation to build on, a good start.

one day at a time. I will not gamble today.

Stux