After 20 years of playing slots and FOTB's I can finally admit that I am a addicted gambler.
I finally realised that I can not control my gambling and although I have never been bankrupt or in huge debt I am a compulsive addict.
Never wanted to be and thought for ages that sometimes I go a bit to far but the reality is that when I gamble I am not in control and my addiction has taken hold of me.
I was attracted to fruit machines at an early age and loved the thrill of slots.
But I now know that I was falling for an illusion and all I was doing was hurting myself and loosing money.
I am also a secretive gambler who hides away my gambling addiction and because I am so sneaky at it I have been able to hide my addiction for years.
So effectively I have been living with a lie or denial for twenty years.
That's both my teens and my twenties...
It is no wonder that I have not been really enjoying life because how could I?
If I am living a lie about a addiction and constantly trying to believe that I am fine and nothing is the matter. I feed my addiction by pretending that I should feel this way.
And I end up hating myself.
Not that I want to hate myself because I am a average guy with emotions and feelings like every one else.
But when I gamble I hate myself and I have nurtured my self loathing for years.
I did stop gambling for a while after I went to counselling.. I had not gambled for two years.
So when six months ago I found myself in a betting shot back on a FOTB, I was thinking.
Why am I doing this... I did the self exclusion thing and then I went on a gambling site online... I gambled £300 in about 2 hours.
I could not understand what happened? Why am I doing this again. I thought I was cured ? But it took a book to make me finally realise that I am a addicted gambler and the only way for me to not be is to stop.
I tell this because no one ever wanted to be a compulsive gambler and it is not something to admire. But if you are wondering if you are one then don't be afraid to say that you are because the truth will set you free and that's not a bad thing.
FOTBs are my down fall!! Once I start even if I double my cash I can't stop playing and so end up losing. Hopefully reading the diarys of others and seeing success will give others hope.
All the best
GR4Y
You are right, none of us want to be compulsive gamblers, but in the majority of cases that is what we are. Or at least what we were.
The self loathing and not understanding why you gamble is something that I too felt, and finally getting that there is no gambling in moderation is something that I had to come to terms with.
Hope you can continue with the positive steps that you have taken, and that each day from now is just another great step in the right direction.
Ryan
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