I relapsed...hard

Hi all,

Thank you again for all the comments. I wasn't online last night as I went out with my partner (we are live apart ATM) and told him everything about my addiction including my debt etc. He was literally speechless, and for a few minutes I don't think he actually believed me (not blowing any horn s or anything but I'm not the type of person this type of thing happens to...or so those that know me would think) 🙁

He isn't very happy (as can be imagined) but it has made me more keen than ever not to relapse again as I now know someone knows and will be more aware. Prior to last night no one knew about my addiction so it feels more real now.

When I was telling him I felt like I was outside my body explaining something that has happened to someone else. Did anyone Else feel like this? It's like once I started to talk it all came pouring out. I had anticipated giving an overview (not all the grimy details, payday loans, lies, late nights etc)

I feel more accountable now.

Had to pay my cash I'd withdraw back in to my bank today to cover some bills. That hurt as well. As I was crossing plans out of my diary as now I don't have the money! (As some of you know I had made a big list of plans that I had started to put in to practice this month) 🙁 that hurts as well as I will have to wait another whole month now to so some of those plans.

Can't hand over my finances but I'm doing everything I can to try and manage this.

Thank you all again! Hope you are all GF still x

Hi Xenedra , I'm pleased you had that conversation with your partner , It usually does come as a complete shock and renders them almost speechless initially , I remember having that conversation and it's as you said and I couldn't believe the stuff that was coming out of my mouth and speaking but listening to someone else's life as I was , the trouble was once I got started in full flow it just seemed to pour out and seemed to go on for ever and when I finally stopped to draw breath there was this strange sort of silence as my partner and my 2 grown up kid's didn't really know what to say , we get so clever at lying and hiding thing's it's no wonder they didn't have a clue , I think sometimes I should have been nominated for an Oscar ! Seriously youv'e done the right thing as you said it's no longer just you your accountable to , the truths out so there should be no stopping you now :))

Onwards and upwards Xenedra

Still gamble free today but still reeeling from my loses!

I'm so ashamed of myself again and feel really low 🙁

Hi Xenedra - I certainly empathise having been here before ... that enforced 'can't gamble anymore' period because you simply can't spend any more...

Maybe it's worth looking at what you can do about it from a different angle...?

You know willpower isn't enough. In fact, you've got tons of willpower - you found a sneaky way to gamble. So willpower's not helping!

Maybe it's a mindset thing. You know gambling's no good, but still do it. What's the disconnect?

Picture yourself in a prison cell. Not nice, but you try the handle and - it opens, and you walk out into the sunshine... wow.

This is what you can do right now. Walk into the sunshine. Do you really want to go back into the gambling prison? You know it's no good for you. I can look you in the eye here - recovering gambler to recovering gambler - and tell you, it's no good. Just stop!

Stop, and you're a non-gambler straightaway! Yep; no catch.

You need to stay there, of course, but forget willpower. I think we've found out that want help you, or me for that matter.

Just accept you're free and when you think of gambling, be happy - you don't need to do it any more! Really. From now. Thinking of gambling? Think of happy thoughts - the thought that you're free of it. If you decide to!

Of course, it isn't as easy as that (although it can be). Keep practical measures in place at all times. And if the gambling devil on your shoulder moans and winges ("I want to gamble!") then ignore it, starve it. It will wither and die - GOOD!

Choose life Xenedra. Infinitely better than misery. You can do this 🙂

Hi Xenedra, glad to hear you are still GF..... i feel your pain i to am still reeling from my latest relapse and share your feelings of shame and being low but we both know what has caused these feelings and its time to stand up and fight back .... yes it will be hard but can turn things around for the better... keep fighting.

Sorry to hear you have relapsed.

Sounds like you might be escaping other problems. Maybe try and work things out with your daughter? You are fortunate that you can identify the lows that send you towards gambling.

Dont Thanks again guys, this forum has been incredible for support.

I am reflecting on things and I can identify triggers but I still don't know where it all came from tbh in the first place. Iv really only had a gambling problem for about 18months which isn't long when Iv read other stories. It's literally come out of nowhere and knocked me side ways.

What is everyone's plans for their next milestone? I feel I need some more motivation!!

Hi all,

I feel so low. Since the last relapse just after payday I can't shake this feeling.i lost money needed for things and I can't get it back (obviously) and I'm going to really struggle for the next whole month.

I know it's my own fault but it's wrecking havoc with me emotions and making staying away so much harder.

Any advice for trying to stay positive in the wake of a relapse?

Thanks all

Hi Xenedra,

I'm really sorry to hear you're in the wars here. This was me 22 days ago. As you said on chat, you're still numbly reflecting on the money you've lost. The bitter irony is, as you pointed out - and I know this too from recent experience - is that it's easy to stop when you're skint. However, you're now building up some gambling-free days whilst you're considering how you take things from here, and those days are worthwhile; they will give you a meaningful psychological boost for when you get paid later in the month. Ok, you havent had any money during this time ... but you were free of this addiction. Why not remain free, your instincts will tell you...

On a practical level, are you able to create additional barriers to physically stop yourself when you do get paid. Can your loved one - with whom you've shared your situation - control your finances perhaps? Sounds a bit of a thing to do, but ... it could help you if the circumstances suit.

You've already applied exclusions, but consider what else you can do. The non-gambling side of your brain needs to be more cunning than the gambling side of your brain - there's a challenge!

I would continue to seek advice from Gamcare direct (phone/chat), they're the springboard to helping you further. They're the pros - and they know their stuff 🙂

Here's a good book, £3.60 on Kindle, it's a 'Stopping Gambling' book by Allen Carr. Worth a read; I've been impressed by the book personally (and I feel I have to say this, these days - other methods/approaches are available!!)

Good luck Xenedra as you prepare for your next payday. What a dream it will be for you to be resolved, in the right frame of mind, to deal with this important date. This dream can come true!

Thank you Mixer, it is always good to share with those that know the pain.

I have everything I can in place, I cant give my fiances to my partner/daughter's father as he doesnt live with us and I can go days without hearing from him etc so not the best person to have all my money as i need it for proper things lol!

Im going to buy that book tonight. I had the Allen Carr stop smoking one it was a good read (but didnt stop me smoking sadly) but at the very least it will give me something to do in the evenings.

You are right, I get paid in 23 days, so by then I will be 28/29 days GF!! a far better acheivement!!

just gutted that I could be putting some of my other goals in to action this month but ruined it.

Thanks as always

Hi Xenedra hope your staying GF.

Hi!

Yes 8 days GF! No cravings tonight but yesterday was really hard.

Self exclusion is good as it the blocking software.

How is everyone else doing?

Nice one Xenedra! One day at a time, it's not easy but just remember this, whether you have free money available or not: you are living life, peeling open the curtains that are normally shut tight when gambling. Real life, the life we want to lead, is peering through like sunlight. We're all with you here 🙂 !

Yes!!

I am living the harsh reality as I gambled a large portion of my salary with my last relapse. I am learning the hard way. I am not able to take out any more credit. I have a notice of correction on my credit file which means not even a payday loan!! So I am suffering this month but not having an easy ride (borrowing more) will really make me think about relapsing again!!

I have also made a list of things I could have bought/done with the money I gambled and I keep it by my bed and in my work diary as a constant reminder (harsh but is working). Had to speak to one of my friends/colleagues today to explain that I cant come to her hen party in London as I dont have the funds, a confused look as this has been planned for ages but she accepted this. Again I could have gone easily if it wasnt for the relapse but I am adamant that I do not get any easy ways out of it this time!! No 'tide me overs' , from my daughters dad, no payday loans, no cancelling direct debits and not paying bills, just suffering the consquences!!!!!!

Hopefully this and being 28 days GF by my next payday will be the motivation I need to keep going!!! )and being on here of course!

I feel for you Xenedra I really do . It's not easy going without thing's but for what my opinion's worth I think your doing the right thing . As active Gamblers we lose respect for money and what it can buy us , we just look on it as more " Gambling tokens'" there just to serve our need to gamble .

28 day's is an amazing acheivement and you know the longer you go the better thing's will become .

Focus on a good life that lay's ahead for you, tommorow will be another gamble free day :)).

Take care and best wishes :))