I literally cant believe that I am wrting this.
Tonight, I relapsed HARD. I am so ashamed.
All blocks in place on my stuff, money out of my account in cash (stupid bank holiday meant thay I had enough in my account for 2 of my larges bills that are comming out on Tuesday or would have been)...so I used my work laptop...which I really shouldnt have done (nor have I ever done) as they are frequently audited and checked ( for client confidentiality/ data breach etc).
I have lost money I really couldnt afford to but more than that I literally hate myself for giving in. As soon as i deposited I knew I should come away but once the reels were spinning again I was hooked. What's worse is that at one point I was up, very up but I csnt stop once im in the zone.
I know what happened, I was feeling low already, gambling urges were strong. Then my daughter had come back from being on holiday with her dad (obviously missed him and had been spoilt rotten bless her) but was saying she didnt want to stay/live with me and was upset. I am pretty sure this triggered something in me, I wanted to zone out and forget about it. But now it is 1:40am and Im tired, a lot of money down and totally ashamed of myself. I needed to come here to be accountable (even though the ugly gambling side of my brain told me not to tell and to carry on).
I could see this relapse coming but at the same time I cant believe that it actually did.
I want to apologise to everyone that has given me support on here. I feel like I let you all down as well.
It's technically monday now but as of the morning I am back on this GF thing. I am making a list of how I feel right now and the things I could have spent my hard earned cash on, hoping this will serve as a reminder the next time I have these thoughts.
Will try to rest now, talk tomorrow.
No. Im gutted for you but exactly know how you got there, learn from it, the gambling side of me hates that im resisting and wants me back. Dont beat yourself up about your daughter, your a good person, its just the gambling leech, always here, that was the last time. Dont let him get you again. He never cared you was up. Got your back 🙂
You have relapsed, I know how it feel's been there many times, you obviously have taken steps to prevent you from gambling prior to this so surely that's a good thing, it show's commitment to wanting to stop. I would take this event as a harsh lesson learnt and that we cannot be complacent with this fight. Reset the clock and start afresh today. You can do this.
I don't post a lot on here but read on a daily basis so will check in with your thread later to see how things are going.
Hi xenedra I'm so sorry to read this. Today's a new day. Don't punish yourself. Get some support if you can. Good luck!
I did same bout last week and I' regretted it u have to pick ur self up put more blocks in and carry on I lost abit last week was the fact I done it all again which annoyed me
Thank you all.
I have certainly learned the hard way last night. It is now fresh in my mind the misery of gambling. I can honestly say I didn't enjoy it one bit! It was awful as I knew I didn't want to be doing it, the time spent on the site was driven purely by addiction.
I'm going to have to try and rearrange my work day tomorrow to be able to pay some of my cash I had withdrawn back in for the bills that should have been able to come out. And actually holding the cash I need to replace is horrendous! I mean why does spending money online some how lower its value? (Online CG may have a different view on this to casino/bookie gamblers?)
It's not like the cash I had was 'spare' money it was for childcare, shopping, petrol and school uniform.
clock was reset last night and I'm ready for the fight more than ever!!
HI Xenedra , Sorry to here of your relapse had a big one myself yesterday...... can totally relate to what you are saying about spending money online and how it dosent feel real, i would never walk into a bookies and place a bet with £2000 cash yet thought nothing of placing the same bet online.... also like yourself money needed for living,school uniforms etc.My clock has also been reset and like you am up for the fight this time more than ever...... All the best......
Hello chartom3,
Thank you for posting and your honesty. How many days were you GF before yesterday?
It's an awful feeling, like you when money is in my hand I can't part with it (I have played in a seaside arcade on one or two occasions but only like £20) as it's too real!! And that was years ago! Online i have no restraints!
Good luck! Please keep me up to date with your progress
Hi xendra .
Look it's happened and the only thing you can do now is use the experience to make sure it doesnt happen again, youve got the gut's to come back on here and admit all and that takes some doing and I'm sure with that sort of determination and honesty you'll achieve your goal this time .
Don't beat yourself up too much as what's done is done and we hopefully learn from our mistakes.
Take care
Alan x
Xenedra wrote:
Hello chartom3,
Thank you for posting and your honesty. How many days were you GF before yesterday?
It's an awful feeling, like you when money is in my hand I can't part with it (I have played in a seaside arcade on one or two occasions but only like £20) as it's too real!! And that was years ago! Online i have no restraints!
Good luck! Please keep me up to date with your progress
Was only 8 days GF this time before my latest relapse but have gone over a year in the past without gambling...... it is so hard but we have to get back up and fight even harder this time.... lets just say for today we wont gamble and take it from there.
Hi Xenedra, don't beat yourself up...most people relapse in the early days...think it helps strengthen your resolve. You say your 'addiction' drove you to gamble..or was it pain, anger, frustration, feeling unappreciated? Putting the gambling down is a start...working out why you need it is the fun bit.
Your question about casinos being different. It wasn't for me, £20 notes were just gambling tokens...had no value. Best wishes.
Block yourself, self exclue. New Card, move money around accounts do whatever it takes to put the maximum amount of barricades up as possible.
Great comments here ... time to jump straight back "in the saddle" Xendera ... we're all with you!
Hi Xenedra,
Don't beat yourself up too much.. in the past I've often turned to gambling when I've received bad news or if I've wanted it to distract me from dealing with something else.
So far in the very early days of my recovery, nothing has come along to really upset me or knock my confidence but next time it does I'm going to do all I can to go for a run or speak to my partner. Anything just to break the usual cycle which ends up with me gambling.
As everyone is saying above it looks like you could do with putting more blockers in place but I appreciate it's not easy if you haven't got someone who's a) willing to do this and b) if it makes day to day stuff really hard to get done. Try and see if you can though!
Don't get down on yourself and stay positive.
P.S. You sound like me with money, the last couple of years I've been awful with just leaving a bank account which has funds in. I don't think I've ever had an account sitting there in credit for very long! If nobody can help with managing your money, why not transfer to someone else until the day bills are due? Good luck!
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