I relapsed...hard

Hi Xenendra,

You say:

'I'm hopeful. but also scared. Gambling was a huge part of my life. I'm worried about how I will fill the time. I have other interests but I never want to do them just gambling really?'.

Honestly it is great that you are hopeful. Never give up hope.

Being scared is normal because when we are gambling addicts it totally consumes our minds and almost becomes a routine, something ingrained into our normal routines, it takes over our lives.

What are you scared of? This is the hardest part, when you decide to commit to a gamble free life it is scary and extremely hard i would say the first 40ish days are the hardest- it is about breaking the cycle. The first few weeks for me felt horrible, extreme emotional highs and lows.. However now I am really start to see the light, I feel I have really started to begin the real journey, of finding myself.

Filling in the time- think of things you want to do, going for walks, to the park, movie nights with you little girl, pamper sessions, painting your nails, bubble baths, having a nap, reading a book, baking etc..

You say you have other interests; I too had other interests, I have recently started to persue and do some of these. Once you start to break the cycle you will find you have more energy, sleep better, begin to feel more relaxed etc and most importantly you mind will become clearer, you will start to want to and enjoy new things. You will begin a journey of self discovery.

I wish you all the very best on your journey x

Hi,

The book came but haven't started it yet as Iv been away from home this weekend and I left it behind!!

Am starting it tonight, I had a flick through when it came, hopefully it will help at least.

Will update when Iv read a chunk.

I really want this. But I can't stop thinking about the what if's...what if I play just £40 and win the jackpot, what if I end up wasting that opportunity.

I have been so long living on nothing! I am a well rehearsed in living the whole month with no money, I suppose (stupidly) I'm scared to have extra money! Does any feel like that? It's an odd thing to describe?!

Once all my money is gone I can kind of relax...even though I spend the whole month stressing and anxious?

Please someone tell me they get this?

Hi Xenendra,

I get what you are saying, I think we are quite similar in our addictions!

I have a messed up attitude to money and I'm still figuring out if it's the gambling which has caused this or something I had before which was a factor in becoming a compulsive gambler. I hated running out of money and having to scrape by for the month but there were also feelings of relief in a way... not sure why yet? Maybe someone else can comment who is further in recovery on this?

I know that every payday for the last year I've been practically falling over myself to deposit as much as I can, as fast as I can - like I had to get rid of it! Makes no sense after working so bleddy hard all month.

As for the what if's... these are a big part of the urges so I reckon it's not something my mind can think about clearly at this distance (still only 11 days so still full of gambling fog/gremlins). I would respectfully suggest you are in the same boat. The problem is surely, if you or I could just play £40 or whatever we decided in advance was a sum we could afford to lose, and then stop...we wouldnt have a gambling problem! If we could cash out and stop in a sensible way we wouldn't be on here 🙁

I get that it's hard not to think about the possibility of winning a jackpot when money is tight and it's tempting to dream about such things. I have actually won a jp before, it didn't cure everything, i think this addiction goes way deeper than money. I know I have astonished myself with how easily and quickly I have managed to lose winnings, many times and there are a lot of similar stories about it on these forums. I don't know about you but I reckon there's something about gambling 'winnings' that I don't respect, because I haven't earned it?? Like they say - easy come, easy go... ask yourself, even if you did manage to win, what would be different about this time? As you say above, you are scared to have extra money, so wouldnt this apply to ANY winnings and could you trust yourself - or would you end up losing it, chasing it, and feeling worse (I know this is what I would do..!)

All the best and keep posting!

4D

I agree, I suppose i like to think that one good win would undo all the rubbish Iv caused, would put faith back into my relationship that I could contribute again to our future instead I'm stuck paying large amounts each month to my DMP with no savings or credit rating at all.

I used to be good with money, in fact I was really tight lol! Wouldn't spend anything unless I had to and we always had enough and good things.

For me gambling fills a void, it is comfort when I'm feeling lonely.

And Iv managed to trick my brain in to thinking that this life is the only thing I know.

Still GF but it's taking its toll!!

If addicted I don't think there is such a thing as winning. Eventually whatever you "win" will just go back where it came from with a hell of a lot of interest.

"Winning" is the most dangerous thing for addicts. The odds are stacked against, there is only ever one winner and it's the one that posts millions of pounds profit year on year.

Stay strong 😉

Hi Xenedra :)).

I spent so many years of " Being Scared " but I guess that's what our gambling mind want's to hear really as it means you can just keep on justifying not ever giving up ? .

I've now come to realise that those fears are totally unfounded , sure were all scared of letting go of something that's been there to run to when thing's aren't great in our world and supports us in our moment of need but most of the time all gambling does is make our bad day's much much worse ! . I liken it to letting go of the swimming pool edge when first learning to swim , at first you think your going to go under and yeah at first you might flounder a little and go down a bit but then you stop waving your arms franticly and begint to push forward maybe a little clumsily at first but then you realise you can move forward in an orderly fashion and that actually you didn't need to be scared of letting go in the first place .

You came here because of what gambling had done to you , what makes you think anything's changed and it's going to be any kinder if you go back ? .

Stick to the plan and keep pushing through it , because take it from me it's so worth it :))

Just checking in, hope your staying GF. 😐