I relapsed...hard

Sorry to let you down 4D but I have slipped up.

Have to be honest about these things! Ironically, I am currently waiting for a withdrawal that will equate to what I deposited. So the losses have been cancelled out o suppose but the fact remains that this is so hard. So so hard.

I literally hate myself for this addiction, this reckless addiction which is going to ruin my life.

It's not about the money, I suppose might have been to begin with but not now, it's about quality of life and I have little of that at the moment mostly because of what gambling has done to my life.

Iv reset my clock...I'm back here spilling my guts. And I am just hoping upon hoping that I can beat this addiction in the long run.

Sorry to let you down 4D 🙁

May I ask what your poison was? Sports, roulette, slots?

What are you doing differently this time Xendra?

I was going to post to you before when you justified your gamble because your little girl wanted to stay with her dad but I didn't want to kick you when you were down. I can't not say anything this time because it's not just your life you are going to ruin 🙁 If I had had another family to go to when I was little I would have run away...As it is, I went to live with my Aunt when I was 14 because that was how old mum said I needed to be to go.

How were you able to gamble? If you can't get blocking software or have your broadband restricted then you should have no internet in the home. If it's a work computer, then play the tape through to the end...What will happen if they find out?

If you can't trust yourself with online money, downgrade your bank account or re-order new cards & scratch off the CVV.

This isn't going to go away of it's own accord & blocks only really buy you time. You need counselling and or GA to start thinking healthily again.

At the moment, you are stuck in a willpower, relapse cycle & it needs breaking because it's destroying you 🙁

Hi Xenedra, good for you being here & being honest.

First of all, you haven't let me down. We are all here for our own recovery first and foremost, yes help others when you are able to, but you need to be selfish in a way and focus on yourself, if you are relapsing... Ask for the help you need and accept it, maybe this is difficult for you if you are used to being the one giving help in your job?

I've had a read through your posts and your story has really clicked with me, I've had so many similar experiences and feelings. My addiction is online slots also. I'm still trying to get my head round it but the urges have died down for now, I've got blocks in place and no money free which is helping.
I'm coming on here every day at the mo reading as much as I can. I've stopped playing the demo plays (yes I am that sad that I even played these when I had no money) because I think I've got to wean my brain off the action...we have, without intending it, allowed ourselves to take part in a pavlovian experiment...it could be called "Your money AND your life"

I also agree with you re.money and addiction - it's not really about the money, money just becomes numbers. I'd forever be writing little notes on a pad, adding up and subtracting, adjusting figures...kidding myself this was sorting the bills haha. Sorting my stake money more like. Finally it was like, "What's the _least_ I can get by with? What can I borrow? How soon can I put it back?" ...it never ends. How many times have I had a win or a withdrawal and decided that was it, for this month! I wouldn't even last a day!

At the moment I'm not thinking about the money or the debt its hard to do but I have to think about recovery 1st and foremost right now.

There are so many people here who will give good advice and help like ODAAT above. And from what you say you also work in the field so you will know as well. I will only add that for online slots, once you have effective blocks in place it gives you the breathing space to get the gambling fog lifted and decide for yourself if you want to go back to that life. Blocks won't cure you but (speaking from my experience last time) they were the only thing stopping me so many times at first. Its so hard to let go. But I believe you can do it and you will be stronger for it x

4D

Hi thank you for the replies.

I need the harsh talk.

I have to have internet in my home for my daughter and for work.

Last night, I dug out an old iPad spent about 2 hours getting it set back up so that I can play. When I think of myself last night, the rummaging around for chargers etc it's terrible a really low addiction. It actually got to 10pm and I was tired and the thought crossed my mind, 'stop! Go to bed this will pass' but no I carried on.

I have lived without any 'spare money' for a long time. I'm in a lot of debt also but I fear having money. Today I was going to withdraw my cash so I could t use it online (indoor casinos are not my thing) but it's too late.

I have self excluded everywhere but there are always more.

I gamble when I'm lonely, when I'm happy to celebrate, when I'm bored. I don't have a bad life or future. I have a great job etc. I just can't stop.

Iv put the blocking software on the iPad and Iv had very little sleep.

I really want to quit this!

Have you spoken to your ISP? Loxxie will be able to tell you what to ask for to get the gambling sites barred if they aren't forthcoming when you speak to them.

I did the same Xendra, happy or sad, rich or poor, I gambled...It becomes a way of life & unravelling it is hard but with all the ups & downs I've had since recovery (& there have been some painful lows), they're still more manageable knowing the bills are being paid.

I didn't have a bad life when I was gambling, I got used to living on the financial edge coz it's the devil I knew but with eyes slowly opening, I had rose tinted glasses on. I may still need therapy if I start struggling because I'm not going back & if that means kissing a few frogs (not all counselling suits everyone) & paying through the nose for the privilege then so be it.

10 o'clock @ night is bedtime for working mummy's...Maybe having a daily plan will help? You need to figure out healthier ways to distract yourself such as reading or cleaning or adult colouring books, anything when you get into gambling headspace, the more urges you ride out, the easier they become to tackle.

if you really want this, you can get it - ODAAT

Stopping anything is hard, but compulsive gambling is a very strong drug, there is no it way wants you to just stop, it wont allow you, you have top fight it daily, as of course it will you tell you " Just spend a tenner if we lose, thats it. promise" and the next line is " We lost that tenner, lets do another one just to get our tenner back, and we will stop at twenty" and the story goes on. The times Ive started like that, so stupid, so much wasted time, rooting for you Xenedra.

I'm finding it really difficult to motivate myself.

I'm am seriously wondering if I am ready?

I know all the reasons I want to and need to quit but I just can't concentrate on them.

If we could do it alone, we wouldn't have ended up here...Don't let addiction talk you out of doing what you need to do!

Yes, ODAAT is absolutely right. When the voice of that insidious gambling devil is whispering in your ear, pick it up with your fingertips, open your back door and boot it up the backside into kingdom come.

Gambling makes you miserable and will lead to utter misery and despair. This is a fact.

You want a happier life, a peaceful life for you and your loved ones.

This is why you are doing this. Picture their faces at the thought; they are happy for you, and happy because they'll be happy, because you are happy!

(I think I've exhausted the word happy here, but it's true!)

Keep strong Xenedra - this is worth it.

Thank you all as always.

I know what's right, just the gambling gremlins can be so convincing. I think I would feel better with more GF days under my belt but they don't come easy.

Cutting my money supply off helps (obviously) so am making a conscious effort next pay day to do this BEFORE a relapse 🙁

Even writing this I'm tempted (only have £3 in the bank so no hope)

My copy if Allen Carr easy way to stop gambling cam today so will make a start tomorrow night on that...anythings got to help surely?

It's odd also as I only ever gambled late evening (9/10pm onwards) so my cravings start around then (maybe 8pm)...never any other time, others like that?

I'm lucky I suppose in a way but it's like all the withdrawal throughout the day saves itself yo and is then 10x harder to manage!

Xenedra wrote: I'm am seriously wondering if I am ready?

Thats a Gambling Mind talking to you. Never stops, you have to learn to beat it. It will tell you why are you on these forums with all these losers, this is not us, we are good team we know how to win, remember when we nearly got this and that jackpot, look how close we were, were in control. I use to have that mindset and once I thought that the Gambling Mind came for me hard, and just like all the other bad mindsets, like ignorance,greed, deciet and so on Gamblings good friends it came for me with a vengance. And so far over30 days, and I dont think I would be shaking it off if it wasnt for places like this. Dont stop fighting it Xenedra, because you can beat it.

Hi Xenedra,

I feel your pain, I have tried to stop gambling many times and I would be soo positive and really want to stop just to do it again and make the situation alot worse. It is so hard. The one thing I have realised is I am a gambling addict and I didn't/ don't have any control over my addiction.

The only way I have been able to become gamble free currently for the last 44 days is by handing over financial control, I understand this is something that may not work for you. Perhaps something that may work is ordering new cards on all your cards/ credit cards etc (simply reporting as lost) then when they arrive leave them unopened, as you have the support of your daughters father the next time you see him give them to him and get him to scratch off/ marker pen all the 3 digit codes off the back then give you them back. You would still be able to use your cards; just simply not gamble online. (This is my life currently- I've handed over financial control to my mum and me and my partner have one cash card and cash- no online gambling, no online shopping either, but suprisingly it's been suprisingly easy in terms of not being able to do it, the hardest part is the not being able to do, the regular urges, the guilt about the money gone on nothing, getting to the- whys? Why me? Why did I do it? Why do I need an escape? Sometimes it doesn't even feel real this has happened.. Honestly though not being able to do it is the best thing I have ever done, if I hadn't I would probably have relapsed- I wasn't strong enough to do it on my own, I thought I was and I wanted to be; however until I understand myself better and the feelings surrounding this addiction I will never have a normal bank card, probably not for many many years..

All the very best on your journey, I hope this helps.

It all helps.

I am very grateful to be surrounded on here by people that completely understand the problems associated with this addiction.

Family and friends can be great but they don't know the depths of our minds.

I'm hopeful. but also scared.

Gambling was a huge part of my life. I'm worried about how I will fill the time. I have other interests but I never want to do them just gambling really?

It's still the addiction talking. It's your mind trying to let you justify a return to gambling.

Seriously the other options that exist in life, even a stroll through the local woods is so much more enjoyable and enriching than gambling

My 20 year struggle was fueled a lot by my reluctance to let the losses go, the constant recalculations of what could and might be, as it was I had an opportunity to reset the balance of money spent v money won after a big win - yet it still wasn't enough, it all just went back, and more.

it's a horrific place to be, the mindset of a gambler is so deep rooted and deviant, i lost track track a long time ago of who I actually am. I don't know what music i like, what things I like doing, I've functioned for years but everything has just been noise.

I'm starting to now enjoy things again, im starting to learn and experience life again

the battle in my head remains but I know I never want to return

Xenedra, just look at the mess you got into with payday loans etc and think about the people out there enjoying a very comfortable life, full of opportunity and choices because they are using your money.

Stop giving it away, stop thinking you enjoy gambling, you don't. You don't need it either.

Hi Xenendra just checking in to see how you're doing. Did you start the Allen Carr book yet? I am thinking of downloading it x