I wish there was a pill you could take to stop this terrible illness/addiction

Anon100 wrote:

I'm new on here and have been gambling since 2010, started off just playing small amounts on the online bingo sites but one day explored the slots. That is we're it all started to go wrong for me at an alarming fast pace. I want to feel normal and happy again instead of stressed out, moody and waiting for payday because it's all gone on the online slots. I've chased loss after loss. When I've won I've lost because I've put it all back in. Feel so stupid, hate myself and another night I cannot sleep because I find it difficult to understand why and how this has happened to me. I never started until my lates 40s. I have found comfort by reading some of the posts on here and the success stories and I really want to get over this awful illness.

Hello. Stay strong. Take it one day at a time. Don't get complacent. give yourself a pat on the back EVERY DAY you do not gamble.

Hi anon.
I'm OK ish I think we've had the same idea re new diarys.
I've capped my old one as I feel the bouncy I can do this stage has left and now I'm left with the work to do stage if that makes sense?

My excerise programme has gone on hold as I'm injured again. So yes shaved my leg again lol

How's the month treating you?
X

Another day almost over, sat having an Irish coffee before bed. It was my day off work today so I chilled first thing for a few hours, then went shopping, sorted some things for the charity shop, walked my dog through the local park, did the usual house work washing and cleaning. Back to work tomorrow for two days then a couple more off. Made plans to see friends and catch up etc which I'm looking forward to. x

127 days, I have the next two days off work, so first thing in the morning getting up and taking my dog for a brisk walk. Then picking my daughter up for breakfast in town and shopping (going to treat her, she's almost at the end of her degree). I'm so proud of my children, sometimes cannot believe how old they are and how old I am lol. Had a few blips with the lads when they were growing up such as smoking weed but glad to say they got over it! I think I still have some work to do on looking deeper into why I suddenly started gambling at a late stage in my life. From the outside people would probably think I had everything, I have a good career, classed as a specialist in my area, they tell me I'm well thought of and respected so why oh why did I start on a road to self destruction. I know when it was and that I had a lot of time on my hands through an illness and being off work for weeks. I thought it was harmless bingo which it was at the time until I opened the slots app, fluffy favs, oh how I loved the bonus round to come in. in a kind of daze and like auto pilot just kept spinning, it didn't feel like real money until you had a transaction declined pop up. How we would all do things differently if we could turn back time, but we carnt but we can learn from it and move forward. I'm alive, I'm healthy and lucky in so many ways. My looking deeper is work in progress, my gambling life whilst it is over, I think once you have been bitten by this addiction you will always have to remain on guard of it rearing its ugly head. X

looking deeper is ruddy painful... take it slow on that one

So easy to get addicted, I do believe that we have an inner vulnerability , drawn in by the bonus rounds, sounds, lights etc.

The trance you describe I totally relate to, I found it my escape

Hope you have a lovely day with your daughter x

Hi anon thanks for the post It hit the spot.

How did your day shopping go?

I've often thought about the why I gambled. I've gambled as long as I can remember there's no other reason I could give than I just enjoyed it.
Hopefully one day you will find your answer.
All I can say is don't get hung up on finding it.

Have a great weekend x

On a softer note this job where you're highly thought of that has been stressful this month. And you have to keep it a secret.

I'm guessing prime minister?
X

Great to see you still going strong.

Have a great weekend

Sbb

Anon100 wrote:

127 days, I have the next two days off work, so first thing in the morning getting up and taking my dog for a brisk walk. Then picking my daughter up for breakfast in town and shopping (going to treat her, she's almost at the end of her degree). I'm so proud of my children, sometimes cannot believe how old they are and how old I am lol. Had a few blips with the lads when they were growing up such as smoking weed but glad to say they got over it! I think I still have some work to do on looking deeper into why I suddenly started gambling at a late stage in my life. From the outside people would probably think I had everything, I have a good career, classed as a specialist in my area, they tell me I'm well thought of and respected so why oh why did I start on a road to self destruction. I know when it was and that I had a lot of time on my hands through an illness and being off work for weeks. I thought it was harmless bingo which it was at the time until I opened the slots app, fluffy favs, oh how I loved the bonus round to come in. in a kind of daze and like auto pilot just kept spinning, it didn't feel like real money until you had a transaction declined pop up. How we would all do things differently if we could turn back time, but we carnt but we can learn from it and move forward. I'm alive, I'm healthy and lucky in so many ways. My looking deeper is work in progress, my gambling life whilst it is over, I think once you have been bitten by this addiction you will always have to remain on guard of it rearing its ugly head. X

Such a lovely post Anon... You are indeed embracing life....I definitely know that I'll have to be on guard for the rest of my days, there is no magic cure for me but that's a good thing, I've tried to 'control' the gambling over the years but failed miserably everytime, it has to be total abstinence for now ...For always.

Keep on doing what you're doing 🙂

Mari x

Hello dear diary not been around for a few days, beareavement in the family but more determined then ever to stay gf. Best wishes to all fighting this. X

Sorry to read of your loss
But happy to read you're still as determined as ever
Speak soon x

Sorry for your loss....Wishing you strength through difficult times.

M x

Nice to see your still fighting hard!! Sorry for your loss x

Day 139, 11 days to my next target. Thank you Deano, m and lady h, I will get back to posting and proper updates but I'm so full of different emotions at the moment, anger, tearful, sadness, feel so low. The stress peaks of grief and trying to be normal. X

Hey you, not good with condolences so didn't post sooner but just wanted to drop by & say, I miss your footsteps around the site & to tell you to keep strong! Your emotions have been masked for so long that feeling them again can be overwhelming & grief is particularly powerful. Let yourself feel, let yourself grieve, you will find a way through these tough times. Don't stress about giving us updates, just know that your diary is here (we are here supporting you) if you need it.

Keep fighting - ODAAT

Morning diary, still feeling flat but scrapping myself up and pulling myself back in to some kind of normality. work life is pretty much the same busy busy busy and will continue to be so but I love it, changing life's sometimes not always for the best. Father had a total melt down on Monday to which I had to deal with, a few hours later all under control with the help of diazepam, the bereavement has started an episode of anxiety. Over the last couple of days I've felt overcome with sadness and guilt at times thinking about all the times I was robbed of time that I could have spent with people and friends but instead I spent it with the evil mr g. How your mindset changes from thinking about the money lost and trying to win it back to feeling guilty about the time lost.

on a personal note, whilst not been to the gym as much as I would have liked I've lost weight, muscles toned up more so clothes looking and feeling better. One mishap the other morning getting ready for work sprayed perfume in my eye, faces smelt lovely but had red eye most of the day. Almost at 150 days and next month it will be two years since I had a cigarette, urges are still there some days, seem to sneak up on you when you least expect it. Anyway I'm off shopping, yes 1 week to payday, still have money in my purse and bank instead of thinking and worrying how to get through it. Still have the debts but coming down and will all be paid off by this time next year providing I do not gamble. Best wishes to all x