I'm coming out of my cage.......

Thanks for your positive comments Joan - really really appreciated.

Phil - just enjoyed watching a convincing Reds win - couldn't afford to go down to the game today, but will manage down to the Bolton game next Saturday, so looking forward to that!

So........todays diary........a bit earlier than usual, but I've got a job to do tonight with the 2014 Challenge thread that I'm looking forward to.

Exactly 4 weeks ago today I placed my last bet, staked my last stake in a FOBT and walked out of a bookmakers for the last time..........over £700 lighter than when I walked in. My life changed the following day...........finally admitting not only to myself but to those closest to me that I was addicted to gambling. I was the only one who didn't know. The last 4 weeks haven't been the easiest, mentally or emotionally, but day by day I have celebrated small victories and am beginning to see a future free of this horrible illness. Financially I see a huge difference, but still a long battle ahead to repay the losses to various institutions, but there's a way. Emotionally my journey continues this week with more counseling and physically a new journey begin as I attempt to reduce my smoking while getting the trainers dusted down and start to run again - a sub 50 minute 10k is the target by the end of the year.

I did my pre and post assessment of my finances this morning - I can't help but feel a bit flat about it.........in just 4 weeks prior to stopping I could have paid for a fortnight to Disneyworld for my daughter. I need to try and focus on the fact that if I stay clean I'll be able to afford that at some point in the future.

The gory pre and post details are as follows:-

Since stopping 28 days ago, my discretional spend has seen my "bank manager" (mum) withdraw £600 from my account, of which I have around £180 left - total spend (not including normal debits like mortgages and debt repayment) of £420, which does include petrol and everything else.

Using exactly the same principles, my spend in the 4 weeks before stopping was £4420 switched online to the 2 major bookmakers, of with I withdrew winnings of £1250. I also withdrew a total of £3270 in cash. Total net spend (losses essentially) of £6440.....or over £200 a day as an average. Heartbreaking, absolutely heartbreaking. I can't believe I was in that place.

To reach the month will be a big milestone and actually to get to 1st February will be significant for me to be able to say I have gone a full calendar month without gambling. But it will always be one day at a time.

Thank you so much to every one of you who have supported in some way, shape or form for getting me this far. I will not let any of you down - I will not let myself down.

I have come out of my cage.......and I am not going back to that prison again.

Dear Diary

Short post tonight after a fairly uneventful day. Work back into full swing, not really thought about gambling a lot today.......think I have all my urges and wants at the weekend.......no footy on tonight that I know about so heading to bed without a wonder as to what scores were and the what ifs. The only thing I've thought about is the number 29 - my days clean tally - and the next wee milestone that comes with another gamble free day tomorrow.

Keep strong everyone..........the cage is lying wide open ready for the time that I can't stop myself walking back into it........but I don't want to, I am out of my cage and I've been doing just fine........'cos I'm Mr Brightside.

Hi Mr B

Just a quick note to say I am very proud of you. You have done so well and not only for what you have done for yourself (which is awesome) but also what you have done for the 20 or so comrades on clean for 14 that stay strong with the help of your kind words and motivational posts. Anyway I jut wanna say thank you and I also relate to that feeling of freedom that i never had before and not feeling that dread anymore xxx linda xxx

Thanks Linda - always great to get that bit of encouragement - especially from someone who knows have difficult it is. It's incredible how you can make connections in the face of adversity.

Dear Diary,

Day 30 beaten and heading into a new month of being gamble free. A tough day today, not gambling wise which went well, but getting other things sorted to make my new life the best possible.

Feeling a bit blue about not getting much time on the forum - it really is uplifting supporting and being supported - so the writers of the diaries I read regularly and post on often, I'm not ignoring,still looking in, but just not had the time. I'm still with you!

For tonight though......it's over and out.......of my cage........'cause I'm Mr Brightside

Well done on the 30 days. Back to day one for me but feeling positive again. Writing I'm my diary helps and thanks for your support.

Hey mr B,

Great achievement so far and you should b proud. You giving many encouraging words on this site and helping so many people. I like ur positivity...thanx for sharing.

Take care and keep up the good fight!!!

Sandra x

Thanks Sandra - you're a real inspiration to others on this site - thanks for checking in.

New-start - good luck on your journey - will keep an eye out for you and hope you make it.......

Dear Diary,

Another short post but another victory today - 32 days clean. Life just seems busy at the moment - but with good stuff. It's never easy, maybe one day it will be, but it's going to be worth it.

Another trip to see the might Reds this weekend, some time with the daughter planned...... can't wait!

I am the positive Mr Brightside

Ps Amanda, Linda, Julie, Lou, Phil, M.......all of you, will try to catch up on threads and diaries at the weekend - you're all doing great. Mr B x

Thanks Julie!! You find yourself getting so involved with everyone that you begin to feel like you're letting people down if you're not posting!! Always here though!!

Dear Diary

So the hardest day of the week comes round once again - day 34 and a Saturday.......however, today is going to be a great day. I woke up refreshed, my daughter snuggled in next to me - what a way to begin your day!!

2 hours later and with the wee one playing happily with her granny and grandpa, I'm sitting in the car in a motorway service station, waiting for a mate to arrive to head to the football. I'm a bit nervous.....he will want to gamble today so I'll need to tell him the script, but I'm going to use the famous Duncs mantra of "I cannot win 'cos I cannot stop" - that's all he needs to know. So, 211 miles to Bolton, 422 round trip, footy to look forward to.......you Reds!!! C'mon the mighty Forest!!

Today is going to be a great day!!

Stay strong everyone and don't forget your challenge check ins!!

Mr Brightside

Stay strong mate, I love going to the match, but the lads I go with are always hitting a bookies beforehand. Next time I am off on a Saturday and go I will need to be really strong and wait outside while they go in. Its not easy, but its worth it for this amazing life that we can have without gambling. Hope Forest win and hope you've not parked in the official carpark at the Reebok. The two occasions I made that mistake I was stuck there for two hours after the game.

Mr brightside

Fella I do hope today you enjoy the match, the efforts you gift the forum are something to be very proud of my friend, don't be too hard on yourself regarding the amount of diaries you manage to get around, the reflection you have had as a whole speaks volumes.

For it well done.

Regards telling your friend the truth about why you choose not to have a punt is equally good for your own resolve.

Gambling is not to blame here, gambling is just not something we can partake in.

It had us licked.

With abstinence we really do win.

Keep making that choice

duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks Duncs - always appreciate your words of wisdom. It was a lot easier to explain and he understand using those simple but all important words!

Thanks also to you Phil - have been reading up on your posts - great to see you moving forward on many fronts - for your 10k there's a great app - just called 'run a 10k' - I'm on week 2 of it now and finding it a great break in to get back to running........and supporting being healthy inside. You need to let me know where your neck of the woods is to get those beers - lol!!

Dear Diary

Just had the best weekend in goodness knows how long. I posted a while ago that I'm missing the football coupon and watching the scores coming in.......but realised as I lay my head on my pillow last night that there is so much more to life.......and actually the thought that I should be missing it is stronger than missing it itself.........if that makes sense?

Day 36 has come and almost gone........the bizarre conversations in work today.........such and such let me down for a treble and Gillingham not scoring did me for both teams to score........and firstly not being able to tell anyone the scores, except the Premiership and Championship, but also remembering the same old Monday conversations.........always one team, one goal, one penalty or one draw away from mega money. Yet, I am richer many more times than them........financially obviously, but also richer from the torment of the what ifs. Richer spiritually and mentally..........feeling good about achieving a different victory and knowing that for 36 days now I've been securing my own we'll being and that of my family. I used to be that person full of stories of the 'oh, so close' but had done my haw m**s in the process. Goodbye that life, I miss you no more.

I'm enjoying doing the challenge 2014 thread - it's restoring my faith in recovery, in teamwork and in "purpose". So the definition of purpose is the reason that something exists. The purpose of the forum is to support CG's and their friends and family recover from the horrors and beat the affliction. My purpose on being here is two fold.......to take the purpose of the site for what it is, but also to give it back via the challenge. It gives me a sense of 'doing something that adds value' for others.........which is part of the recovery of trying to feel better about myself. Thanks to everyone who is taking part and for the incredible effort that's being made - it makes it so worthwhile........even though as my mum pointed out today, my arithmetic is rubbish!!

So, onwards and upwards, clean for 14 and I'm going to continue using the familiar mantra of I can't win, cos I can't stop.

We've got soul, but we're not soldiers...........I am Mr Brightside

My local team is tranmere rovers so no chance of playing us anytime soon. But if you are going to any games within an hour of me let me know. I often enjoy going to random matches as I am a big football fan. Wigan would be a good one if you've not played at their place yet. As I said for your hard work and inspiration on here I would get the beers in.

Morning everyone - or afternoon - or evening.....,not really sure what day it is or what time it is either......nursing a bit of a hangover today!!

So it's day 2 of 4 in Tenerife.....and it's raining!! Had a great night last night. Lovely dinner, lots to drink and a very happy wife celebrating her 40th.

Watched the Forest game yesterday afternoon - great win for the mighty Reds!! My mate had lots of coupons on - was really weird and very cathartic - afternoon the games had finished I stood outside the pub waiting for him to come out.......he did with a face like fizz and started on the what if stories......just needed a goal for Dundee Utd and Tranmere (sorry Phil).....that was me, but no more!!

Day 42 today - 6 weeks of being free........hangover or no hangover, still feels brilliant.

I'm coming out of my apartment and I'm feeling quite rough........but I'm still Mr Brightside!!

Hey Mr B

Well done on 6 weeks! xx Glad you are enjoying your holiday! x Speak soon Linda x

Well done on six weeks Mr B. Glad to hear you are in Tenerife, I hope the weathers better today! Gambling has always deprived me of holidays, I hope to be booking one for this summer. Keep up the good work, this recovery is so much better than our old lives!