My recovery diary or road to a better life (depending on how i feel),
I wish i could have seen this addiction grabbing hold of me and how i was spiralling out of control but i didnt, and here i am. It started with slots at the bingo and progressed to online bingo, with access to many slots (my downfall) and has hit me like a sledge hammer. I start this diary 11 days in GF but i know im going need all the strength in the world to keep this going. I faced it head on after my last binge and counted up how much i had lost since it got out of control and how long i think i have actually gone for without any sort of gambling - the sad figures were 17k down and 21 days. Although i am not in debt and dont do it daily i am eating into my savings which i have worked so hard for and know if i dont stop now they will soon be gone and i will be going into debt! I was just waiting for that one big win, but really i had big wins but i couldnt win as i couldnt stop (a great line i have picked up from reading all these diaries).
I dont wont to get sucked back into that whirlpool of desperation - losing big, feeling like i am spinning around, gaining some control and then BOOM...an urge sneaks up and before i know it i am a zombie pressing a button for hours on end, spending money as if it were a bag of chocolate coins. I have tried things before and failed but this is it...I need to do it.
These diaries have been a godsend but as i sit on day 11 I know i need to post this diary and start posting on others - it gives me so much strength to know im not alone and that i can like so many others before i am left with nothing.
So I have taken up the mantra of the triangle and removed my access to a computer (was never a phone gambler) and when i do have access to it i ensure it is for work purposes under supervision and then give it to my OH who hides it as if it were the crown jewels. I have phoned gamcare to get counselling, bought a mindfulness book to give me some perspective, created my ODAAT jar and added a £1 everyday I dont gamble but most of all i have become an avid reader of these diaries and have now posted! I guess the hardest thing i feel is the fact i wont be able to stop - what happens then?! But i keep reminding myself of why i want to - I hate it, the feeling of being worthless, failure and just plain crapness. No one can force me to desposit, so if i dont do it i dont fail - I succeed!
I wont be able to post everyday diary (until i work out if i can do it via my phone) but I will post when i get access to my laptop (under supervision) as this community provides so much strength and courage that it makes me feel like i can beat this and start to live my life. I write everyday though in a journal and write down so may good mantra's & pieces of advice i pick up from this forum to add to my arsenal for when these urges come a knocking!
I will win today by not gambling and will remove temptation by keeping busy and giving up this laptop!
See you soon diary x
Hi Rose, interesting read. You sound like you have made some very positive steps and taking help and advice from the forum has helped you to get to 11 days gf already.....well done. You have said "what if I can't give up"......you can if you really want to and have blocks in place. I felt like that and after 20+ years of gambling (mainly online slots) I have managed to make a good start at a gf life and it is a much better place to be. Just focus on one day at a time....small steps.
I really wish you all the very best in your recovery. Take care x
Hi Rose80, welcome to recovery 🙂 & yes, you absolutely must start your recovery now before you are stripped of any more worth & I don't just mean financial!
Great start & I don't know if it's an option but blocking software on the laptop may be an added incentive? K9 is free but there are other paid options like Gamblock, NetNanny & BetFilter that GamCare can advise you on.
As you say, only you can make you gamble so stands to reason that if you fight hard enough using all & any of your gathered weapons as you require, there's no reason why you need to be scared! We cannot win because we cannot stop but by stopping, we win every single day - ODAAT
Hello Rose80
Welcome to the forum.
Well done for going 11 days without gambling.
That is a strong and determined first post.
I also find the forum a great help. By chance, I have a day off work when there's a lot of good horse racing going on. I'm here instead, keeping away from it.
Staying busy is important. This is a great place to spend your time learning about how different people deal with gambling addiction.
Some familiar feelings that you describe. Letting go of those losses is a lot easier said than done, but will be vital.
This is a progressive addiction. Things can always get worse than before.
I do everything here on my smartphone.
Look forward to following your ongoing progress.
Great start.
Glint
Dear diary - day 12 gf, well done you!
Thanks tilly, ODAAT and Glint for posting, I get so much strength from this site and reading comments/posts from people that are also fighting hard.
I wanted to add that I have read a lot of diaries on here and it always scared me that i would fall of the wagon, but having thought about this long and hard I already have, many times. I first tried to quit through will power alone - epic fail. Then in frustration it was snapping the card and thinking not knowing the numbers off by heart would be the cure - nope. I then tried writing myself notes on my phone, ranging from positive & kind to downright nasty to try and stop - still no luck. Towards the end of last year I felt in total despair and went to see a therapist (not specialising in gambling) to try and get help - it did give me a good insight into my triggers however i was expecting a magic pill or potion that would take away the urges and free me from from this addiction - again, epic fail. It was only after my last binge that i finally realised how much i wanted to stop, how many tools i had been given to do this but ultimately it was up to me to do it. I knew i needed more and i think with the addition of this site & diary I feel ready to really give this my all and break free once and for all.
I wanted to get this down in my diary to remind myself of how many times I have tried and to really make sure I do it this time, i dont want to go back to that life.
Today i will not gamble, I just dont want to!
Afternoon Rose, well done on getting to 12 days your doing some great things.
As well as the blocking software mentioned above you could get your OH to put parental controls on your broadband so you can't get on gambling sites. Just make sure the OH sets the password.
I've not done counselling I went down the GA route hopefully with the Gamcare counselling it will be more tailored to your gambling issues.
I to have stopped many times over my 20 odd year gambling career but I was only giving it lip service if I'm honest. This time has be nice different I have committed admitted and accepted I cant gamble. So far so good.
I get the part about worrying about the slips, relapses, screw ups what ever want to call it, I have seen people on here say you need to mess up to get it That's not my belief and I hope I can continue for another 6 months then another and so on but it does worry me I just keep me block high and try not to become complacent
I don't have a laptop just my phone and all I really use it for now is to read and post on here.
KTF
Day 13 - gf!
Thanks KTF - like you I have paid lip service to it before but i know i must abstain from all gambling if i am to beat this. I will certainly look into blocks for broadband, this will provide another barrier so thanks for this suggestion.
Em - what a great post, thankyou! I will aim to be the second person that reads your diary and gets to 400 days - you should feel amazing that you are helping so many people, and yourself on this journey,
Today i have had no urges but i know they start up at the end of the month around pay day. Must remember the triangle and take away all access to get online onto the sites. For today though i add another pound into my jar and feel happy that I did not gamble in any way, shape or form.
Today I will not gamble - because it makes me feel like c**P!
Hello Rose
Many thanks for posting in my diary thread. You are right we cannot win because we cannot stop. I have experienced the same things that you have and have found this forum and posts here very helpful. I started reading these more than a year back and was on and off gambling quite a lot. The longest being for 53 days before relapsing last year. The main lesson I learnt is never to be complacent about this issue and be always humble with acceptance of myself as mixture of flaws and good bits. This is a lifelong recovery program that will serve to make me a better human being everyday. The contents of posts on this forum contain so much wisdom, truthfulness and good sense from people who have gone through what you and me have. Wish you all the strength and courage in your recovery too and working alongside you. We can beat this addiction together!
Day 14 - gf!
Thanks WillDo for your post - looking forward to beating this addiction together!
Urges have started to rear there heads a bit - this is the time I usually start working myself up for a gamble. Also feeling a bit drained as I have had my guard up so intensely that I have worn myself out! Going to really focus on the triangle and after reading some posts decided that on payday i will take the money i need out for the month and give the card to the OH. So not only will i take away location (as laptop will be hidden away), I will also take away the money aspect.
My short term goal is to get to the end of April - might not seem short term but the fact i am trying to kick this into touch for the rest of my life it is pretty short. That will mean getting through a whole month without spending any of my hard earned money on gambling. Seems a mountain to climb, but one day at a time, I win by not gambling!
I will not gamble today because i will not lose another penny to this awful industry!
Stay close to the forum if you're struggling Rose80. We know what it's like.
Good to set short-term goals. Helps focus the mind. I've been trying to go a month without gambling since I joined the forum. Every month thus far someone has given me a lottery ticket and gambled after my goal has been ruined.
We have the same goal to make April a month without gambling.
Keep the triangle broken.
Look forward to congratulating you on May 1st.
Day 15 - gf!
Thanks Half-life this is a good idea and have spoken to the OH about it. As soon as I get paid i will take money out then hand over the card.
A gamble free April Glint - that would be something amazing for both of us so lets do this!
Havent had urges today but feel like I am daring myself to do it - the mind works in a funny way. Had a good read of some diaries last night though and it got me back on track for today. Also read my written journal which had my first post after my last binge and could feel the desperation in it - all the awful things gambling makes me feel its a crazy notion that i still have urges! It also listed my triggers which i need to also focus on - break these triggers and it will hopefully reduce the urges. Got some time away from work until after Easter so will lock the laptop away and break the triangle for a few days - feels a relief that this barrier will be up and can maybe relax a bit knowing that I dont have access to gamble.
Today I will not gamble because I have a goal to achieve!
Working on triggers should really help.
A common one for people is boredom. With time off work - keep busy and have barriers firmly in place.
I consider willpower the cornerstone of my battle against gambling addiction - you have to want to stop and build from there.
Barriers will be crucial at this stage, especially when the time element of your triangle is back in place.
I do like a plucky sign off - that last one was brilliant!
Day 16- gf!
Your so right in what you say glint, boredom was a big factor. I gave up a hobby of mine that had been a big part of my life and didn't fill the gap..apart from gambling! Have taken up a new hobby which has taken a while to get into but has provided me with the opportunity to meet some people and enjoy myself without gambling! Also joined a gym so that gives me another outlet to keep busy...healthy body, healthy mind they say! Willpower is also a key which is in all the diaries...this is the first time that I can say hand on heart I really want to quit and am committed to it!
Did some thinking last night and broke this addiction down to 'I am addicted to locking myself away, in a room, and clicking a button for hours on end until I lose most of my wage for the month'. When I say it like this it really makes no sense that I would do it, i work hard for that money and I'm not going to give it away anymore!
Today I will not gamble because its my money and it won't be spent on this addiction anymore!
Day 17 - gf!
Feeling positive today and no urges, having the barriers in place have really helped and feel more relaxed although not letting my guard down!
Saw an advert last nite for a new site and usually I would check this out but stopped myself realising this is one of my triggers that builds up my need to gamble!
It feels so good to have not gambled and been sucked into that whirlpool of desperation and regret, need to hang onto this feeling on this journey!
Today I will not gamble because I am moving forward, not back!
Day 18 - gf
Feeling low today, spent yesterday thinking about all the money I have wasted and what I could have spent it on. Didn't make me want to gamble which is good but felt sick to my stomach...could never justify spending hundreds on buying something but could always justify spending thousands on slots, madness! Don't think this feeling will go for a while but maybe that's a good thing as it will hopefully be another barrier when I do get an urge.
Today I will not gamble because I've lost enough money already!
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