Jer's recovery diary, 2nd attempt

Well hey and so good to hear from ya. Awesome your 10 months free of the deed and don't look back. Sh-it nasty a_ss thing to kick once ya cave. Stay strong and keep them urges in learning, bigger and better pot of gold there that won't let ya down like the gambling.

Salsa priceless. All the good antitoxants, tomatoes, garlic, onions, hot a-ss peppers.. can't go wrong with it anytime. Lol

Stay strong and smart and yeah just keep doing what your doing. Good to hear life be treating ya good. Ya deserve it and more.

I just hate myself right now...had relapse last night and lost hundreds. Would have been 1 year gamble free next month but here I am again with Day 1 and feeling like s**t.

Then again, it was coming sooner or later... Like I said I had some strong urges lately and last night was perfect time for the gambling demon to hit. No school today and I was drinking heavily, was let down by someone I trust and came home drunk as hell, angry and disappointed. I didn't have any old gambling accounts but not any gambling filters either so I signed on some crappy site and started playing poker and after 2-3 hours had lost 400-500. This morning self-excluded from that site too and right back to the no-gambling wagon if it's worth anything... Guess I just once again needed that reminder and hopefully that was the absolute last time. That money I lost is a lot...far too much... but I can still manage and at least I have saved more than that this year by not gambling. Just wish I had saved that money too but nothing I can do about it anymore.

Anyways sorry for the ramble, having pretty bad hangover which makes this sh*tty feeling even shittier. But determination to stay gamble-free is back even stronger and I think I'm safe for now. I was 10 months gamble-free before this so I know I can do it. And to learn something from this relapse too, I will install K9 filter to my computer.

Awe so sorry to hear it and yeah drinking makes Er all the worst the next day. Sh-it that one has gotta hurt after being gamble free so long. Hell just a glitch in a the road and glad ya took the steps to make sure it ain't happening again. Life ain't over and just a starting back to better days. Heads up and driving forward. Your invincible and don't forget it.

Thanks for your post again brokensoul! Yeah it hurts but it was coming and yesterday was so s**t day. It's not excuse but some d**n strong triggers there and I think my mind was looking excuse to gamble lately and I took my recovery too lightly agaun and thought I was safer than I was. Being 10 months gamble-free doesn't automatically mean there is no risk and I should have known that.

I can't be too hard on myself now IF and WHEN I learn from that one too and go right back to gamble-free land. And I decided I will put away some money now for the next 3-6 months to save that freaking 450 I lost.

I'm more sad about the other things really than that relapse and money...just seems every time I think my life is pretty good some s**t is waiting around the corner and at the moment I feel like I just want to be alone and I don't know if I can (or even want to) trust my friends at the moment. Just P***** off and tired now and should start to study for those exams. And add to that my phone seems to be broken piece of s**t too so guess more money going away soon...

Oh them fricken phones. Lol lol lol sh-it had me the Samsung note 2 like a $700-$800 phone that was a flimsy piece of c***P. Yeah broke looking at the thing in otterbox. Lol yeah don't pay to get the newest things out there cause yeah a lot of kinks in the things that need working out at their expense, not yours Lol

You'll jump right back on that gamble free band wagon and ain't got much doubt in that.

Smile and have a great weekend.

Well hey glad your phone is still doing what It's suppose to do and don't have to look at getting a new one. Mine freezes up a lot too and usually if I pull the battery on it for a second or 2 it seems to solve the problem.

Mouse #3 bit the big one and hoping that's it. Lol

Wishing ya a safe and gamble free weekend.

Hope the coming week is nothing but good to you.

Thanks brokensoul! Had stressfull week with exams but those are over for now. Day off tomorrow and again back to studies on Tuesday... Now I'm just really tired and feels like I could use holiday soon but just have to keep going until Christmas break I guess. Trying not to take too much pressure about those studies and have to solve some other things too... but things could be worse and I try to stay as positive as I can!

And no gambling after that stupid slip, so all good with that.

Well hope your enjoying that day off and never seems to be enough of them. Good to hear your gamble free. All them studies will more than pay off so keep hitting them books. Ya got good things in your future coming at ya and yeah It's worth the effort.

Back here and square one once again...

After that relapse 3 months ago I didn't gamble for 2,5 months but didn't came here to post anything either. Don't even know why. I didn't think much about gambling but didn't pay any attention to my recovery either. And now couple of days ago started playing poker and blackjack, and surprise, lost a lot. Why I gambled? Boredom and disappointment for how uneventul my life has been lately. Guess I needed to do something stupid and dive deep to remember how good that uneventul life is...

Financially I can still manage but lost hundreds and can't afford to lose anymore and I'm sick and tired of being in this position again and again and again... also got more student loan than I wish I had but oh well...

I'm sick of the amounts I lost but I know I can get over it. Been here before and got over big losses before.

Worse thing is that the fear is back..I mean the question can I ever stay out of gambling for good? I was almost a year without gambling before that previous relapse on October and been long times gamble free in the past too...but still here I am again... just seems after enough time has passed it's too easy to go back

Then again I know it's up to me to get back to the no-gambling road and stay there so that I will do. I'm the only one who can take responsibility for my own actions and even when this is strong addiction it's not any excuse. I relaped and lost again because of my own stupidity and nothing else.

But happy to be back here and guess it's good old one day at a time now!

EDIT: Don't know why this added empty post here, previous post is the right one!

hi jer- i just wanted to say 2 things having read you diary firstly- well done on stopping gambling I would love to make it as far as you!

Secondly- You talk like you know you will gamble again so its like you still havent fully committed to yourself that you will never gamble again. This outlook of failure will always catch up with you in the end so just believe in yourself and you will do it. None of this "it was coming sooner or later" as this just gives you the negative thoughts that you dont need. I am only a few weeks gamble free and I will at some point make it to few months and then a few years but have to make sure I believe it is possible first as you do. I wish you all the best x Linda

Hi Jer

Good to see you back posting. I read but don't post so often, but was just getting myself together to do so when I saw your entry.

I can relate to you looking to gamble to give a bit of excitement to your life. It's mainly why I did it 15 years or so.

Whilst the money hit is hard, at least you can take comfort at the bigger picture and your overall progress. You've gone from regular gambler to having sustained periods of abstinence with an occasional blip - you say that you only gambled a few days ago and have already pulled yourself out of the mist. That's big progress as your distancing yourself from the habitual nature of it. It sounds like you're getting there.

You sound like you can be hard on yourself at times - you seem like a sound guy, hope you realise that and go easy on yourself

Best for the new year

Thanks Linda and cardhue! Really appreciate your posts.

Off to sleep soon so too tired to write more now, will be back tomorrow.

Back after semi-good sleep last night.

Linda you are right that I should believe myself more but it's not just that. I want nothing more than be gamble free forever from now. I have been long times gamble free so I know I don't miss anything and my life is so much better without gambling in it. It just seems after enough time has passed I slowly "forget" to remind myself that I'm compulsive gambler and I really have to and want to stay out of that hell.

But yeah, I have to let that sink in that I truly believe it and have to convince myself I really can do it.

And cardhue thanks for those words. I know I can be way too hard on myself sometimes and never really give myself enough credit for the things I have succeeded doing. But when I make mistake I beat myself up for it and blame myself too much. I guess I have to change that and concentrate on the positive things of my life, and there are plenty of those.

I'll call this day 1 since this is the first full day without gambling after relapsing. Today I won't gamble.