Julie's Journey

Hi Julie and thanks for your post .

Don't think I wouldn't like to be able to gamble again , if I could I think I would but the last couple of years on the machines in the bookies have changed it for me completely . Up until that point I did feel as though I could control things and didn't consider that I had a problem but I came to a tipping point where I went over thge edge and there is really no way back to normall enjoyable gambling when youv'e gone over like that .

The reason I think I'm not hankering after it again is more about total acceptance that I just can't gamble responsibly anymore , I don't therefore feel any need or point in beating myself up over it anymore , it's gone , it was something that I used to do and in the end it tried to kill me , so why miss something like that , I enjoyed it at one stage of my life but it turned on me and against me so I'll give no credit or time to it anymore !.

You said on your last diary post " what's getting to me" ? , do you not think it could simply because your carrying all this burden around with you , it's difficult enough giving up anything but you your'e also carrying around the battle with cancer and not getting support with either issue from anyone and whilst I understand why you do that, it's a massive issue to deal with on your own .

I'm not preaching to you Julie but the old saying " A problem shared is a problem halved " comes to mind , I also like the one " A friend in need's a pest " ( sorry made that one up LOL ) but maybe thats what you feel you'll be ,if you share with people ?. There's no stigma attached you know , as far as the gamblings concerned were all human all work in progress until the day we leave and all allowed to make mistakes , as I said previously I admire your courage , I understand your reasons but I'd still love you to have a bit more support .

On to your finances , we've all been there with that one and are still dealing with it now , it's not easy but we have to face the damage we've done to ourselves financially head on , just as your'e going to do tomorrow .

The dissapointment we feel is all perfectly natural , it's just about coming to terms with what we've done , my emotions for the first few weeks were all over the place , happy as larry one minute and in floods of tears the next , it's early day's for you at the mo but give it a few weeks and the fog lifts , you begin to see more clearly and it will get easier .

I'm sure you'll be fine Julie , get tomorrow out the way then you'll know what the situation is !

Just take things slowly and be kind to yourself , one day at a time !.

Best wishes for now !

Respect !

Alan

Thank you Volcano, you made me smile. I like the idea of battling C&G; makes it sound like I'm fighting some sort of corporate takeover!

As for the money, Loxxie you are absolutely right. It is gone and there is nothing I can do to bring it back. The best case scenario is that I don't throw any more after it. My biggest financial worry is that the bank pulls our loan or does anything that would mean my other half finds out. Today's meeting went well but I am not yet out of the woods. I hate the sneaking around but it will be worth it if I can get life back to some sort of normality.

Alan, you give me hope. I have come to Gamcare utterly convinced that I cannot control my gambling. I hope that like you that realisation and the fear and hurt that went with it helps me abstain. I haven't had any particular urges so far but I know it is early days so I'll borrow a cliche and say time will tell. One day at a time and all that.

I agree about support. I certainly need some help but thanks to this diary I have three times as much support as I had this time last week. Every post helps more than I can say and I thank you. For the first time I don't feel I am battling everything on my own.

Hey Julie...you sound more posative tonight love...glad the bank went ok at this stage....I'm sure if you keep the loan up to date they won't do anything....I know how hard it is to deal with it alone....but we have our reasons for that.....and we have here....which I think is more important because we are understood....sweet dreams xx

Hi J......

Being a little lazy this evening......

Reasons To be cheerful........Part 3. Now its time to make a part 4

https://youtu.be/qcjh1a9Yoao

Hi Julie , Glad things went ok for you today , Using that hurt and fear as a weapon to fight back against our addictiion is great, just call on the memories of how that last bet made you feel when the urge's come and it'll do the trick !, as for the support It's always here for you whenever you need but to be honest give it a month with us lot and you'll be begging us to leave you alone , LOL !

Have a good day tommorow Julie and take care of you ! :))

Natural response Alan, I'll see your month and raise you... but we don't do that any more! Still bet I'm right.

Okay, I warn you there has been some celebratory alcohol today so there is no telling what I will post.

Start with yellow socks? Maybe not. I've had a good couple of days. It will be five working days before I know the outcome of yesterday's meeting with the bank but I feel just having the meeting was a step in the right direction. This was the first day in a long time that I didn't have to go to hospital; my treatment is over. Again, it will be a few weeks before I know the outcome but it feels like a huge milestone. Speaking of milestones, I have passed the week gamble free mark which is also kinda cool.

I find myself pondering the secrets in my life. You, dear diary, don't know the half of them and of some I'm not sure you'll approve. I wonder if part of my gambling addiction is linked to my keeping secrets; if gambling is part of a secret life. I wonder if talking about those secrets in my diary will be therapeutic or if there are some things about your life you shouldn't post on the internet. Might have to think about that one later when I have fewer units of booze in my system.

Lady J, Your post to me gave me a giggle and instant smile, i'm happy to talk rock 'n' roll but go shy on the other.

You've completely lost me on yellow socks? But reminded me of red socks!

I'm chuffed for you J, its good to rack up a few good days and indeed you've hit some major milestones. Good on you...

Secrets is a odd one hai! We all have them and if it can potentially hurt/ concern others then its best kept that way i guess with the 3d world. Yet, i would say if your secrets dont sit happy with you, then Yes, it could be linked to addictions. I use my diary as an internal dialogue between my self, some doesnt need to make sence, some does. There's been plenty of posts i though shoot, should i of posted that. Then i think, its cyber world so it doesnt matter and the secrets from my 3d world, im ok to sit with them.

Enjoy them extra units J and have a good evening..

Strength and Honor....Paul

Hey Julie , Sorry only just got back in from work !.

What a difference a day makes !! , alright I know it's been a week already and well done for that but there wasn't a song title that would fit a week !!.

Seriously though It's great that your already sounding more positive , great that youv'e been and faced the bank and even better news that youre treatment's come to an end , obviously it's a waiting game now where both are concerned but I've got my fingers and everything else crossed for you !

Saw the bit about secrets and I have to say " addiction thrives on secrecy " and if you share that secret , it not only gives it nowhere to hide but also makes you more accountable and not just to yourself ! but hey!!, I'm not gonna preach to you girl , you do it your way and anyway that suits you , it's all good as long as it works and time will tell , then if it doesn't try something else , it's your recovery and personal to you !.

And yeah ! , It may be better to deal with that one when the bars shut ? I'm asuming the bars closed now and I've missed last orders ? Story of my life really ( you can hear those violins can't you ! ) .

Time gentlemen plese !!! I'll still raise my glass to you Julie and say cheer's !!.

Take care and big respect >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Alan

Oh Alan, don't cross everything. At best you will look like you need the loo and at worst you will fall over. I don't want that on my conscience as well.

Paul, shy or coy; time will tell. Feel free to play; anything that helps.

As for secrets, what do I really think of secrets? I had secrets before I became a compulsive gambler. It is not that they don't sit well with me as such but I think they made it easier to hide my gambling. That fact doesn't sit so well. Thing is, my secrets have always made me happy. I couldn't have the life I do without them. Unfortunately, I applied the same compartmentalisation to my gambling and was able to convince myself that it was justified and okay. I have come to realise that every time I am up against something difficult or complicated my natural response is to bury it far away from everyone else and deal with it myself. Writing openly on here about two of those secrets has been an interesting experience. Time will tell how this diary unfolds; perhaps I should think of it as therapy and just see what I blurt out.

I still haven't had the urge to gamble. Seeing all those transactions on the bank statement is still too raw. As much as I hate the feeling it gives me in the pit of my stomach, if I can hold on to that image, I think I will continue to abstain this time around.

Hell 3 days ! That was some session , was it a lock in ? LOL ! Definitely use this place as therapy , if nothing else it gives s good Q&A session ! And why not carry a copy of that bank statement around with you and check it out when you get the urge to splurge ?

Alan, was just trying to give you a chance to catch up. You never did buy a round... x

Hai Julie, i think its good to compartmentalize but if your anything like me, i tend to forget which compartment it went into...

Experiences should be interesting, life can be very mundane alot of the time so new experiences equals new........? Still trying to figure than one out..... I dont think abstaining will be a problem with you, your going through a ' positive ' educating exprience with your other secret and your learning the leson well. Respect and have a good weekend...

Ooh, a missing words game. New experiences equals new incentives. I'm a great believer in adventures and giving new experience a whirl. The incentive may be to never do something that dreadful ever again or you may find a new passion or even a reason for being. I like that life has the ability to surprise us. If it didn't we might end up swamped by the mundane which I see as a necessary evil that should be kept to a minimum.

It is slightly absurd that given this outlook on life I got sucked into something as mundane as online slots. For years I have fooled myself into thinking those silly spinning reels were the height of entertainment. At first it is fun, the promise of it all but I soon sink into the inevitability of whatever win not being enough and then chasing after every loss. A shot that was intended to fill an hour waiting for my other half to come home would almost always turn into him in bed and me still sitting there a two in the morning. Bonkers, just bonkers.

Having a nice chilled out day at home with the other half. Has occurred to me a couple of times that I could just have a wee shot of slots but I have not had too much trouble in coming up with something else to do. I think that is going to be key for me. I am not very good at chilling out and doing nothing. Maybe some new games or a course or something will keep me out of trouble. I'm open to suggestions if anyone has found distractions that work for them.

Anyway. That's a couple of weeks gamble free and I'm feeling good about it.

Chilling and doing nothing is one of my forte's J and i've practiced it well this weekend.

So my only suggestion is hows about a walk to the local or a book..