I'm new to these forums and this is the first time I've thought about writing things down.
I have been bet free for 52days... this is my second attempt and I really hope this time I recover as I don't think I could handle another relapse so here goes.
Sorry this is long
I am a compulsive gambler and this is some of my story,
My form is online slots and has been since circa 2008
initially it was fun I never played more than I could afford to lose and I was in control. I enjoyed it. I even won small amounts a fair few times it felt good.
In 2012 I was diagnosed as having ptsd after bring involved in and witnessing several traumatic events some personal and some against people I never knew.
This is were my spiral in living hell began.
(Pre diagnosis and treatment)
I wasn't able to sleep due to nightmares, so I stayed awake playing online, then I went into a depression of sorts and could not be asked with anything but sitting on my a**e playing slots. (Now I know I used gambling as an escape)
I stopped taking full care of myself and let the basics slip. This was all put down to my ptsd.
Diagnosed and treated, starting to feel beta, full of debt.....i take out a loan to cover the things paid for.
But hey I'm cured of the symptoms of ptsd I no longer need to play slots yay.
A loan clears my debts.
Still I believe nothing is wrong, I still play more than I can afford to lose. (I like the feeling of winning but, but it's never enough, I keep playing with bigger bets to win more, until I lose it all, then deposit and start all over again)
A few more loans later and I owe money left right and centre. But still I keep playing I believed that that big win would come, the next spin, the next deposit, the next day
It never came.
about to be taken to court gonna lose my house.
All the Lies lies lies I've told to everyone.
So now I have to inform my partner... after several years of hiding post, not showing bank statements etc.. being a completely amazing liar
I told her, she got angry and threatened to leave, helped me pay some of the debt off and even borrowed money from her mum to pay off mortgage arrears to keep the house.
Our relationship began to improve, I was happy again.
Then 6 months or so bet free... I pick up my phone and log on thinking I got this, just a quick go. It won't matter. Several hundred pounds later with nothing to show for it feeling like a complete P***k. So now I have to win it back (of course I do, it will happen this time.)
Only it doesn't a few more months pass I've undone all my hard work paying the majority of my debts off,
And I miss another 2/3months of mortgage payments.
I'm at work and my partner is at home a letter arrives from the bank and my partner instantly knows what it is,
s**t hits the fan. I'm now a complete failure set to lose absolutely everything...
Why had I not learnt my lesson. I was lucky the last time, this time I'm f****d.
Massive rows later. No bank card no phone, no gadgets no power over anything. Having to grovel yet again for payment plans I felt really s**t.
This is the first time I finally admit I have a problem. I am a compulsive gambler, no more masking it behind ptsd symptoms.
Just saying that to my partner felt like weight lifted off my shoulders.
So I start counselling, about 25days in (still no phone, and no money) I go to my first GA meeting without being forced to.
I was welcomed. I felt included, i understood what my problem was.
Hearing other people's stories and how they cope inspired me,
I've since been to 4 GA meetings and continue my counselling.
I feel positive and am taking big steps.
I filled out the form on gamstop
I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE
And so I start my road to recovery.
Today 52days later I have my phone, i have urges but I replace gambling with another activity,
I still have no control over finances, my partner offered my bank card back but I said no and asked her to keep the control for now.
For now I'm taking one day at a time.
Hi Vixstar, a massive welcome to the forum my friend & congratulations on your 1st 52 days 🙂
Great to see you throwing yourself into recovery & I look forward to walking your journey with you.
JFT - ODAAT
I'm now dealing with both issues separately, currently the ptsd is under control (having received emdr therapy), and the counselling I'm receiving is from GC and has been extremely helpful as its focused on the gambling, I recommend it to anyone at the beginning of their recovery. Sadly I only have 1 session left, but looking forward and continuing as positively as i can.
I know there will good days and bad days,
I will be using this site and GA to reach out when im feeling low and read others stories, successes and experiences.
I am searching deep inside myself and being honest with me and my loved 1s.
And I hope that even in a small way my experiences maybe able to help others.
JFT ODAAT
Hi Kelly, thanks for introducing me to this, I got the counselling thru this site but the forums etc were offline last time I tried.
Hope u r well
I'm glad to say I'm still going strong, I'm feeling happier than I have in years that I'm actually singing in my office.
I'm sure this feeling won't last, but for now I'm embracing it.
I attended a GA meeting last night, it was emotional and so many of the shares were relative to me.
One person shared a break out and I felt the absolute pain in their voice and saw the hurt/sorrow in their eyes.
This is the first time I've heard personally about some1 breaking out and I really felt strongly and wanted to reach out, but being so new I didn't know how, wud the person want me to, (I'm sure I will learn this in time)
it's made me feel stronger I never want to feel that pain, that sadness, the disalusion, the disgust ever again, I'm under no illusions and know that I need to work on me. Where I can I will help others. I'm slowly becoming less selfish and relearning how to connect with people to listen to people to be interested in others again. It's surreal to think I need to relearn these simple things but I do so I'm trying my best.
For now
I wish everyone well in there recovery
Take care Vix.
Good morning everyone, I'm having a great start to my weekend, looking after my little niece, although she kept me up until midnite watching paw patrol Lol, kept waking me by kicking me in the face and back etc, and woken rather early this morning with the biggest smile on her face.
Spent the last few hours on the floor playing with her toys etc, she's so happy and so am I, 6 weeks ago I cud not of done this as I was all over the place.
Sadly I have work this afternoon but I shall she her tomorrow morning for more of the same.
So I've not been on this site for a few days as have been rather busy.
I am now 58 days bet free...
I've currently been awake for 25hours -through choice this time because I worked my final night shift with my team as I am being moved to another area, so we decided on a rather early drinking session (not for me as I'm tea total) and breakfast in spittlefields market....sadly that is no more so we ended up in weather spoons.
I worried about going to a pub because of the machines at them. (Not that I played them but because I didn't want to try and get a gambling fix from another way I hadn't previously,
Rather weiry eyed I sat with my friends and reminisced about the good times etc. No matter where i sat i was in view of at least 3 machines at a time.
the time I was there I watched 1 fella go from fruit machine to fruit machine.
They didn't get any interest from me, not even an urge, but he did get my interest And as I watched him I saw him put in note after note and ignore the pals he entered with, every so often they took him a beer. He barely said thanks (Its now only 10am) this guy has put hundreds in, he barely acknowledges his friends or seems to notice others around him, the odd loud noise that causes everyone else to turn around didn't seem to register with him. He didn't look happy he didn't look sad, just blank faced and seperate from everything and everyone around him.
I sat there and I thought that's how I used to be with my online ones. Completwly despondent from life, not acknowledging my.friends messages etc (as that interrupted my play)
And When 1 site didn't payout I went onto another, won some and then spent it again.
The never ending cycle.
I wondered about him, about what he was going thru, was he a compulsive gambler like me, was he fully in control, did he think he had a problem, the thoughts went on. (Not thru judgement, but because I was curious)
I'm so grateful that I've found my way and discovered and admitted that I am a compulsive gambler, attended GA meetings, used this and other forums to read others shares. To remind me of my journey Into recovery.
JFT I will not gamble ODAAT.
To everyone else on their own journey I wish u all the best in your recovery.
71 days gamble free and doing ok.
I had a hard week for various reasons but not gambling, last week i was unable to get to a meeting but I kept my books on me and held my own meeting reading thru various paragraphs and saying my own therapy to myself.
Last week I found out that I would have to have an operation on my spine, which will involve them removing some ribs and deflating my lung in order to get to the problem. SCARY STUFF.
I will have to recover in a high dependant unit for a long period of time to ensure my lungs work properly etc.
So now I have to give up smoking in order to prep for said operation...
So I will be a gamble free non smoking tea totaller.
Some1 up there is surely testing me.
I don't have an issue with alcohol btw I just choose not to drink as I don't like it.
I'm currently in a physio rehab unit 4 two weeks in an attempt to prevent the op but it doesn't look promising from what the physio have said.
So I'm mentally preparing myself for the time the op arrives. (I've no idea when that will be)
So bizaarly I've not thought about gambling at all, I've kept busy and have so much other stuff on my mind right now. And I hope it stays that way.
Keep strong and remember ODAAT.
Vix
85 days gamble free...
It's not been an easy road, but boy do I feel all the better for having travelled it.
I'm still travelling it and I guess I will be for life.
It gets easier with time, my thoughts to gamble are less frequent.
The hundreds of adverts that are everywhere don't bother me so much. However When they come on I find myself singing their theme tunes.
I've not been able to go to a meeting for 3 weeks. Due to being away for intensive physiotherapy on my back. Amazing place in the middle of nowhere. Also worked wonders for my state of mind.
Anyway I'm working towards 90days for now taking one day at a time.
Never thought I would be at this stage thought.
Feels like yesterday I came clean to my loved ones.
Almost debt free too now finally starting to feel good. I am what I am, and what I am needs no excuses. Just honesty.
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