Killing the Zombie

Thanks Louis

​I think barriers have there place. I probably would have relapsed without them. But they are not meant to be a permanent solution. GA tells me my program is designed to restore me to a normal healthier way of thinking and living. Barriers will hopefully allow people the time to begin that process. They with also give the people around us some security rather than accepting the words of someone who has constantly lied and deceived them. However people then lean to heavily on them and become lazy and complacent around the bigger picture. The picture of not needing to gamble rather than not being able to

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Hi Louis, just wanted to stop by and thank you for your support. Your remark that we can't think our way to recovery touched a nerve. I've been doing a lot of thinking and self analysis but without action, it's all wasted. Goal setting has never been a strong point of mine, but it's one that I'm willing to try. Who knows, maybe the answer lies within that somewhere?

Good to see you doing so well. Your's was one of the first diaries I read and I was struck by how much effort you put into finding out what fuelled the addiction, rather than just fighting the flames.It sure paid dividends.

Thanks again,

Lifebegins x

Thanks again Louis. I'm touched that you've taken the time to share your thoughts about identifying values and goal setting. You don't sound at all preachy and I value the input.

Something that's dawned on me over the last few days, and I guess that ties in with my wooly ideas about "being happy", is that I tend to go for big, all-encompassing goals.Breaking them down into small, achievable, day to day goals would be more productive, and would give me a small daily boost of pleasure and satisfaction rather than going all out for one big goal that defeats me before I get there.

Thanks again.

LifeBegins x

So the debate might go like this:

"Buying scratch cards, lottery, poker with friends etc, isn't a big deal as that was never my vice.

"Well if it's not such a big deal why don't you stop?

"Because that's not the problem, I can take it or leave it.

--

I could then say again, well if you're downplaying it so much, then, in the context of you having a seriously self-defeating gambling addiction, why can't you have the commitment to accept gambling isn't for you? And give up this little insignificant thing.

That's what I struggle to understand. It seems to be clinging on to gambling. No wait there, it is clinging on to gambling

Spot On Louis !! and well expressed my friend.

Lol Louis, hello sanity.

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Hi Louis , thank you for your well wishes earlier , Iv'e been very humbled by all the messages of goodwill from around the forum.

You always present a very thought out post and Ilook forward to reading more in the future !.

Take care for now my friend ......................................Alan

Don't think about the person I want to be, just be that person

This was a line from a recent Fargo episode, said by a this slightly crazy woman, into some kind of new age spiritualism. Nonetheless rings true for me. For me this means above all else, being open and connecting with people.

Hi Louis , Your'e so right , I think the more open we are about this the better as it gives it no where to hide !

Although I might draw the line at standing up in front of all the guest's at my daughters wedding next year and use the opening line " Thank you for coming everyone , my names Alan and I'm a compulsive gambler !" , proberbly then being that open may not be the best idea ! , what da ya think ?. Ha ! Ha ! .

Over 95% of what we do, we do on autopilate - from getting dressed, to making breakfast, getting to work etc. We do this without thinking. Autopilate is essential. We wouldn't get anything done if we had to consciously think through every step.

However, when we struggle with difficult emotions and thoughts, our autopilate becomes very dangerous and sends us out to sea, on a dangerous path, one which is not where we want to be going in life. In my case, I was disconnected from life and people. I also have a relatively non-severe degree of social anxiety, something which I completely failed to acknowledge and deal with. This was rooted in a deep seated belief of 'not being good enough'. This failure to deal with difficult emotions and thoughts meant that my 'rudder' was set set in the wrong direction. My rudder was set to 'avoid difficult emotions and thoughts' - my behaviour followed accordingly. I would gamble most days (almost without thought going to gambling arcades and later online slots), I would have a drink or smoke weed before meeting people, I would meet family as little as possible, avoid meeting friends unless in a drinking environment. I would numb out to the internet. I would do jobs which were unchallenging and risked no failure.

Numbing difficult thoughts and feelings, and outright avoidance, are terribly self-defeating behaviours. You get stuck in this self-pepetuating reinforcement. Say you avoid a difficult social situation because you feel you can't handle it. You appear to get a short term benefit in that you avoided any short term difficult feelings. This behaviour is therefore positively reinforced - your mind tells you that avoiding these situations is an effective means of stopping a difficult feeling. However, your mind is also reinforced that this was a valid fear to have. And so the spriral goes on - meanwhile I've stopped doing things that matter and I'm inhabiting a world in which I'm paralysed by fear! This is a shortcoming of our unevolved minds. Avoiding perceived physical danger worked well a long time ago - when we faced real threats of physical harm. The problem is that our mind tries to deal with modern day threats in the same way - by avoiding. Modern day threats aren't threats to life but threats to feelings, ego and self worth. Whilst valid they are essentially paper tigers and we should be careful about listening to our mind.

This is why, for people like gamblers - people who are 'avoiders' (that's what gamblers are) we need to first notice our behaviours and how we are handling our emotions. This is tricky as we have to be honest with ourselves - of course honesty is something which we have become unfamiliar with. We then need to adjust our autopilate and set ourselves in the direction of what we value in life. Identify what our values are and then set goals accordingly. By doing this we start moving in the right direction. After time autopilate kicks in again but this time autopilate works as we're on the right path.

So to get on the right path, we must know what our values are. And our values are whatever we hold dear to us. NOT what we 'should' do. When we set our goals, we should commit ourselves wholly to them. They can be small or big/short or long term, but the point is committing wholly to them. It's not even about achieving the goal itself. By working to goals, we are living according to our values and steer ourselves in the right direction.

I've just come back from a wonderful 2 week holiday, all of which has been spent with either my partner's family, my own family or with friends. In a few weeks time it will be 3 years since I gambled and I am really getting my life on track. I'm doing what I want to do and being who I want to be.

Best wishes for 2016

Louis

Nice to hear from you Louis. Keep it up.

Tri

Hi Louis

Thank you for writing on my post albeit, me having to return here but I am strong enough and clever enough to know what I need to do again to get right back on track.

Almost 3 years is fantastic and I take my hat off to you, after gambling for 17 years! I only gambled for coming up to 3 years but I created more than enough damage!! It doesn't take long, as we both know.

Continue to stay strong and enjoy your life - you deserve it.

Take care.

Feb.

Thanks Louis, I appreciate your thoughts. You're spot on...she doesn't want to stop because stopping ( or should I say staying stopped) will force her to look at her underlying unhappiness and its that underlying unhappiness that she's avoiding in alcohol. I think she's frightened of what she might find by opening the box, but I don't think she'll ever truely be at peace until she does. I have to accept that we have very different personalities. She has never been one for self examination and I long to fully understand what makes me tick. By knowing the thoughts and feelings that trigger my reactions I can take steps to change them which leads to a happier life....and that's really all I want for her too.

Thanks .

LifeBegins x

How many times, after blowing a wedge of cash leaving me skint, did I promise it'd be different from now on. I'd even make vagurly detailed plans for a better me. But a few days later. ..repeat for 15 years.....

How do we break out of cycles? Commitment. That's key. Take a small step but commit wholly to it. Learn to commit. Apparently in some eastern cultures, people would do something differently just because they can. To 'do' commitment.

I recently decided to go into a different shop every day for a week and ask for a product I knew they wouldn't have. Smelling salts at Tesco, shaving foam at a deli. Listen to 15 mins music each night from different centuries, starting with gregorian chant.

Bit weird but there's something rewarding about setting yourself unusual tasks and sticking to em. Get out that comfort zone.

3 year anniversary today, woo hoo!!

Think things are looking good. I don't have urges to gamble and the last 8 months in particular have been a brilliant journey into my soul, into who I am. In hindsight, I can't believe I lacked such self-awareness about what my fears and insecurities were.

Now I know, I can move forwards without the confusion of who I am and whether I am doing right. Even today I was feeling a bit down, a bit stuck, inexplicably so. So I try to do something that matters - take small steps towards my values. Taking small steps when I can towards:

- Connecting with others

- Helping others

- Vitality

- Creativity

- Focusing on my work

- Being loving towards those I hold dear

It's not all roses. But I'm learning to experience good and bad emotions - to feel them more fully. I'm learning that it's when we struggle with emotions that we suffer so unnecessarily.

This year promises to be a big one. I finish 5 years of training to qualify into my profession and my partner is expecting, for the first time, in June. Exciting times.

Best wishes everyone

Louis