Killing the Zombie

Hi Louis

Just wanted to say thought of you today as I did my first open mic session. I remember the post you made a couple of months ago about you attending your own first session and it always stuck with me, helped me push through the fear.

Becoming a father is enough to bring anxiety to anyone, I think you are doing great all considering. Hey at least you get a couple of weeks off work when the new born finally arrives. Not sure how much sleep you will get or if the coritsol levels will drop. I shall have a tiny (or maybe large) dram of whiskey to wet the babys head.

All the best

Rob

cardhue wrote:

Three weeks to go..been quite stressed at work in my new role. Have really felt the coritsol pumping round my body. Yuck - count those hours getting knocked off my life.

Combination of actual hard work, reality, and fear of future, perception. Everything just seems like a headlong rush as I'm basically working right up until it's time.

I had a moment of clarity a few weeks ago - I was wilfully escaping from my future fatherhood. I've stopped doing that and am engaged with what's going on. But there's still anxiety in me - I'd like to think I'm this easy-come easy-go, highly adaptable person. But change fundamentally scares the she'ite out of me even when the change brings the promise of untold rewards. The anxiety can be sneaky - I can't tell it creeping on me. For all the mindfulness, sometimes there's not distinct thought or feeling to notice - I need to take a step back and be logical when I know 'something's not right', but I can't put my finger on it. If I can acknowledge something then I can accept it.

Taken a break from this place as my involvement in this forum had itself become compulsive. I was reading the forum whenever I had a spare minute - not really getting any satisfaction, just a compulsion. A relatively harmless form of escapism. First few days it actually took a bit of restraint not to go onto auto-pilate and log on. Logging on today there's some pretty wild-west posting going on so haven't felt like I've missed much.

Louis

Congratulations louis. Sounds like many things are going well. You have been missed rest assured. WB 🙂

Just done open mic night playing and singing 'the big one', do I wanna know, Arctic monkeys

Started up the riff, crowd gets excited. Follows a pretty objectively dodgy performance. Not quite the really mocked ones on xfactor, but not too far off. There's a video out there somewhere. One day I might watch it.

Got it off my chest before being daddy. Mixed emotions - ropey as fxxx but interested in this feeling of failure. Doesn't actually feel that bad having put sen our there.

As someone who's got a heightened sense of social judgement it's actually not that bad to tank

Totally get the xfactor-esque overcoming stage fright as a metaphor for life.

Having tasted failure I'd be well up for going back for more till I'm good. Robert the bruce spiders web stuff. But got more important stuff coming up so will both treasure and squirm at my short lived career

Hai Louis,

Was reading that Stevie Ray Vaughan use to have similar thoughts about his live sessions and the word on the London music scene is that your possibly his reincarnation. Good on you for doing it.

Spot on, you do have some pretty major stuff coming up and will look forward to wetting the babies head once you've settled into daddyhood.

All the best

Hi there ☺

I reread your post to me with high interest..i like the " two spiked fork analogy"... it gave me more belief and i shall take it on board for sure ☺...it's hard to stand bk up but that's the only option if you're not ready to give up the fight...& I'm not ready yet...i know it can be done...so thank you.

...great to hear about your gig experience! Must be so so scary to be the person on spot...but look at you for getting past your anxieties and getting the best out of you! ☺(..hmmm..it wasnt the best out of you as you day huh..lol..but practise makes it perfect!)....you're making great progress and it's so rewarding to see..keep it up!

Hope lil bundle is ready to face the world really soon & most importantly to lay those beautiful little eyes on ever so proud Dad who is gonna do everything to secure and protect his family and give the love he has to share with them unconditionally.

You will feel what you never felt before... they say that babies brings enormous feeling nobody can explain ☺..take it & enjoy your new chapter in life.

S x

Found out last Friday that the baby is a bit on large side. GF had tests and has to have another one on Tuesday to test for gestational diabetes.

Came out the blue as all previous checkups were fine.

Was ok over weekend as was with GF. Feel quite sad again now, at work. Need to speak to people at work to release my anxiety. Not up for repressing it so need to get over my natural barriers about discussing deeply emotional things

cardhue wrote: Found out last Friday that the baby is a bit on large side. GF had tests and has to have another one on Tuesday to test for gestational diabetes. Came out the blue as all previous checkups were fine. Was ok over weekend as was with GF. Feel quite sad again now, at work. Need to speak to people at work to release my anxiety. Not up for repressing it so need to get over my natural barriers about discussing deeply emotional things

Definately don't repress. Get sharing with those you can trust but if your in a pinch gamcare number is available

I had bother at the end with three out of four, one pre-eclampsia, one transverse lie (sideways instead of up and down), one general refusal to budge at the designated time. All real problems as yours is but all manageable and duly managed with the appropriate care, all well grown now.

It's fair enough to worry, though, better than avoiding worry via gambling. Or not even bothering to worry because of gambling.

BW,

CW

Thanks your post Louis, truley appreciated, i hope everything goes ok with the baby! its a stressful enough time enough!

Yeah parenthood is a scary time, i over worry about everything in life, What if that happens, what if this happens? Black and white thinking , not rational. All the best.

Totally agree re getting to the bottom of whats causing us to gamble and in my case drink as well, its a bit like the dry drunk who gives up the booze but is miserable as doesnt resolve what caused him to drink in the first place, "shame" , i get it now

Thanks as always, Louis. The last few days have given me a lot of practice at sitting with difficult emotions that's for sure! Starting the climb back up, but with more clarity and a better understanding of my behaviour. And honesty...which you mentioned here a while ago and which actually really made me start to question my own honesty. Took a while for me to get there, but I thank you for sharing your thoughts as they have impacted on mine.

I hope all's well with you, your partner and little one. Any more news on the gestational diabetes? I wanted to tell you when you posted that my son weighed 10lbs, but I thought that might push you over the edge!!

LB x

Thanks very much for your supportive posts - I'm grateful to each of you.

I suppose I should've updated sooner. The tests came back and everything is fine. Which is a big relief of course. I think I have a tendancy to post on my diary when I am experiencing difficult emotions rather than good ones. Which is cool as for me that's the point of my diary.

One week to go. Things going really well. Made a commitment not to drink for a week. Had some interesting attempts at 'reason giving' for why I should have a drink - visions of a nice beer in a park on the many hot days. But as ever, when I make a commitment and stick to it the rewards follow. This for me is the key to addiction/avoidance - can we stick with something in spite of the difficult internal experiencing? Or do we reach for the short term fix?

Just come off a forntightly Skype session with 2 friends, where we open up about our insecurities. Old friends, and a radical departure from what used to be our norm - of getting P****d, having a laugh and possibly talking about our emotions when half cut. Me the secret gamber, my friend the 38 year old who's just come out as ***, the other guy who's got an eff'd up family and is working through anger issues. The three fecked up, repressed, muskateers, working through their she'ite. A part of me can never be R-sed with the chat as even after doing it a few times, it's still outside my comfort zone. But the end results are always a sense of real connection, nourishment and humanity.

I'm satisfied becauase I've been acting in according with my values. I'm living by my key motto - Take actions in accordance with my values and don't wait to 'feel good' before taking action. Act first, and the good feelings will usually come later, but even if they don't I've acted in accordance with my values, which is what life's about.

Louis

Hi Louis , I fully agree with Deano above and truly wish you and your's well , Deano did however ommit one thing you'll also experience " Sleep Deprevation " but after 3 yrs or so you'll get used to it and it's soooooooooooo worth it :))

Enjoy my friend !

Alan

Thanks Dean, Alan and Julia!

So today is the due day but nowt doing.

Is it a coincidence that I've had some mental realisation on this very day?!

So, spent first 30 years of my life pretending there was nothing wrong with me, which included pretending I wasn't a gambling addict.

When I admitted my addiction I had to acknowledge that all wasn't rosy in the garden.

My initial focus was why I gambled, mainly so that I could not gamble again. The curiosity changed from 'never again' into a genuine curiosity - w*f happened?!

I realised I had an issue around connecting with others. I realised this was THE underlying issue. It almost certainly lay behind my gambling.

This broadened out into a journey into what was holding me back more generally. I realised that I was a serial avoider of difficult feelings. A big gap had developed, where I want to be versus reality - the gap had been there a long time. I'd hidden from it but it became more exposed once I stopped hiding.

I realised that my avoidance was related to my interaction with others - it was some kind of social anxiety.

Then meanderings around issues of social anxiety, social confidence took me towards a realisation that what it was is a near constant need to be accepted by others, or the flip side - a fear of rejection.

This finally seemed to make sense where other things had not quite fitted. It was my obsessive need for being accepted by others which was stifling me - it meant that I was not expressing myself as I was hyper sensitive to how I thought I was being perceived. I'd void. I'd be obnoxious as I needed to make a point. I'd avoid. I developed clever avoidance strategies which maybe fooled me - I remember realising I was arranging tennis games in the middle of Saturday so I didn't have to be social - blow out the day until evening and the safety of alcohol. I would be quiet as this was safe - I could manage this for a while but I'd then get p1ssed off at being quiet as it's not who I am.

I realised this need to be accepted had become so deeply imbedded - I wasn't having thoughts which I could 'notice' or be mindful towards. It wasn't even subconscious, it had become hardwired into me. All I would notice is a 'state' I would get into when I felt this anxiety - cortysol going around my body, a state of fight or flight badly adapted to the 21st century. I wasn't present, I needed constant reassurance I was 'in'.

Getting to this stage felt good. I wasn't on autopilate in the same way. I was well into ACT and had made the conscious link that a good life is a life lived according to my values. But still something missing..

I finally had a profound dawning around on my way into work this morning- that I don't need to be accepted by everyone! Obvious huh? Clearly not to me.

The next thing is to change behaviour - but I need to be careful. As soon as I had the realisation I came up with thoughts of banishing this anxiety, of snapping out of it when it comes up, 'knowing what I know now'. But this falls back into the trap of trying to control emotions, the struggle, getting annoyed when we're not controlling as we wish....and then back to avoidance.

Still sounds controversial when I say it to myself 'I don't have to be accepted by everyone'.

Finally I can accept - I can acknowledge but I don't have to be led.

Louis

Ha ha brilliant Louis. I dont have to be accepted by everyone! Sounds so simple doesnt it. I spent a lifetime rejecting the people who liked me & pursuing the people who i thought didnt to change their mind. There in lies the real question. Why? Why do I need everyone to love me? Answers obvious. Send me a postcard if you get a chance with your impending bundle of joy.

Yo Louis,

Another well thought out post, getting my grey matter swirling. Would add to the thoughts, but will just aim my best your way to you and your Mrs...Strength and enjoy Louis..