Killing the Zombie

Acceptance...love...may I add approval? I think that as humans these are hardwired into us. A baby needs to engender love in it's caregivers to get it's needs met. To be fed, cared for, kept warm but also to be interacted with...talked to, played with. If we're not accepted/loved by the people who look after us this leads to negelct, both physically and emotionally. As we grow older this need to be accepted widens out. We go to school and there is an expectation that we will fit into the social norms. Fitting in and being "good" is expected. Standing out, being different, isn't really encouraged. This continues in secondary school where the majority of teenagers spend their angst filled days trying to by liked by their peers and fitting into a particular group. Schools up and down the country will have seperate groups that kids belong to...the sporty group, the cool group, the b*****s, the geeks. Off we go to uni or work and it continues there. Society expects us to fit in, get along with people. If we go around speaking our minds all the time, or being truthful when others don't really want to hear it, it leads to trouble. Few work places want people rubbed up the wrong way. We are surrounded by images of how we're expected to be and behave. You have to be slim to wear a bikini, wrinkle free to be in a film, a white male to be in politics, smart, sassy, beautiful with perfect teeth to have any sort of life! As a general rule society isn't keen on people that march to the beat of their own drum. So to step outside of that, to go against what is expected, takes balls. And I also think it comes easier with age and maturity. Realising and acknowledging, as you have, that you want acceptance but are not dependent on it is so important. Realising it about myself was a very important turning point for me. I can't say that I'm totally comfortable with it yet...I know that I still seek approval at times and that being accepted is important to me, but I can see it now for what it is (and for me, where it came from). Knowing it, means that I can now decide when to go with it and when to let it go.It's helped me to understand who it's really important for me to have acceptance, love and approval from and more importantly whose opinion of me really doesn't matter. It also means that I have found a way to accept that need as a part of who I am.

Thanks for getting me thinking again. LB x

Perspective taking.

I used to be alarmed at how I could be Jekyl and Hyde in character.

My repressed side struggled with this out of reach illusion of a 'stable person'

These sides of my character are just different perspectives. There's - bold and brash, judgey, unfiltered anything goes, self -conscious and shy, the encourager, the intellectual. Many conflict with each other.

All these are different perspectives I can take. When gambling, which ever perspective i was in was me completely...until an hour later when was totally different and freaked out.

Being aware of this is helpful, particularly when one perspective is unhelpful at any particular time. All have their disadvantages and advantages, albeit some less obvious.

Been interesting getting to know myself and accept and even appreciate these different parts of me.

Louis

Been practicising self-compassion - a concept clearly quiet alien to me.

I'd heard that self-compassion is widely considered to be a very good thing. Once i got past my initial this is psych BS, I thought of SC as a good thing, yeah why not, can't do any harm. It made sense intellectually.

But it was only when I practiced it as a mental exercise that I really 'got it'. Once I got it, it really moved me, it relieved me, which itself showed me how self-compassion is quite alien to me.

I'm guessing I'm not alone in being capable of being quite compassionate to others, my job is partly based around that, yet having a different attitude towards myself. I think that the repressive nature of gambling and escapism necessarily leads to being highly self-critical - whatever we hide from on the outside is magnified back on to us.

'...bring to mind a current struggle, really buy into whatever difficult thoughts and feelings you are having and how this has been greatly troubling you...

Once very much in that mindset of struggle, now bring to your mind a picture of yourself as a child - possibly based on an a well known photo or video of you, try and really evoke that childhood memory of what it was to be that age.

Once in that zone - imagine that child having your struggles you have now. How do you feel about the younger you experiencing what you feel now? How would you respond to the younger you if you were having the same problems. What would you say?'

I don't know if I've narrated that well enough, or if anyone ever bothers doing it. I found it very helpful in terms of 'getting' self-compassion rather than understanding it conceptually.

Louis

Hi Louis

I certainly get the escapism part. I think I realised this a while ago. Around 2 years ago I got to the point where I felt stranded. I felt I couldnt go back to using gambling as my escape but was unable to make the changes and actions I need to push forward with my life.

Problem was I did go back even though I knew it wouldnt of helped. Knowledge only got me so far, I needed some kind of purpose and action then and I feel thats what I need now. Making those small steps and committing to them.

Well done on the open Mic a couple of weeks ago. Thats not an easy song to play and sing. I find it hard to keep on beat when singing along with the riff, so kudos. I am hoping to do another open mic a week today. FIrst time around was very unplanned and feel this helped in a way. This time around I have been practicing a couple of songs but feel the nerves already. I think song selection is really important. You want something you are technically capable of doing but something you can connect with. Emotion always trumps pitch perfect. Managed to convince a couple of friends, one of which I know through GA to come along. Gulp.

Thanks for your post, Louis.

I caused chaos in our home on Tues, I burnt my finger and ended up having to ask my husband to go out to buy a bag of ice - during the football. He was less than impressed, but he went without waiting for half time, amid stern lectures about the future use of oven gloves. In my world, that's real progress, I'm not sure that I would have even bothered to ask this time last year. I'd have been a martyr and he would probably have expected one of the kids to go.

More practical than profound but the little things count. If going out during the football can be classed as a little thing.

Hope all's good with you.

BW,

CW

Nice post Louis. Inner child is one of the things i use when trying to explain Higher Power to folk. It is the exact same concept ( as almost all modern addiction psych thinking is taken & spun from 12 step teachings). What would my happiest healthiest self want for me.

Well diary, a long overdue post after quite an incredible, roller coaster week.

Me and partner went into hospital last Sunday. 24 hours later a baby boy was born. Us 3 have been in the hospital all week as little baby [insert male name] had difficulties breathing and had an infection. I'm now back home preparing the house for the return of the bairn and mum after they are discharged tomorrow.

The whole labour and birth giving was by far the most mental thing I've ever experienced, and that's just for me as a, slightly petrified, observer. Partner had to be induced, baby's heart flat-lined for a bit and suddenly 8 specialist doctors literally burst through the door at once, attending to the baby and my partner. This properly freaked us out but apparently that's what they do when there's a problem on the monitors - they all dash through at once on the basis that it's best to pool expertise.

Anyway, that was fine, heart rate returned to normal, but we kept getting told that it was looking likely she would have to have a c-section due to it being now over 36 hours since waters broke and the risk of infection. There was minimal dilation in spite of heavy contractions. Partner by this point is meant to be epiduraled up but the epidural partially stop working - I have never seen someone look in such absolute agony!

Things weren't looking good but then the doctor came to check up and, out of the blue, announced full dilation. Suddenly it was all go - legs in stirrups and... push!! The baby's head came through and I remember pretending not to have heard the doctor when she said I should go and have a look. 10 minutes later a little thing slopped out.

He was put on oxygene and that night in particular was pretty horrific. He had been taken away and put in the special care unit - we went to see him and he was in an incubator and started screaming himself pink when he saw us. We had to go back to our ward and listen to the chorus of groans from women in early stages of labour and the beeps and alarms of the monitors.

Anyway, things have settled down, everyone's now healthy. And I've got this beautiful little baby boy.

He's definitely got my face from nose down. I have spent much of the past 6 days staring at his face. I've always been a bit mirror shy but have been consciously looking at myself in the mirror whilst trying not at all to change my expression, not to pout or whatever. This means that I often get quite a gormless face looking back at me. So I double took when I saw the same odd, vacuous 'baby face' staring back at me when I looked in the mirror earlier?!

Last thoughts - massive respect to all nurses, doctors, midwives out there. Can't believe how caring everyone is in spite of doing these 12 hour shifts, with the highest of stakes, with highly emotional patients. As someone who thankfully hasn't used the NHS much, I felt incredibly grateful. Thank god it hasn't yet been dismantled. IMO working for the NHS is the most important job ever - massive respect to anyone doing this kind of thing.

I've kept half an eye on the news and clearly the whole of British politics has gone to s**t over the past few weeks. I get there's a lot of p1ssed of people in Britain but I really think their focus of anger is wrong and there's a lot of mass manipulation going on. Why TF don't people question why the top 5% have most of the nation's wealth? Because truly would rock the 'establishment'. These people aren't rich just by working hard - it's the system stupid. But hey, if we can get people to blame foreign workers (80% of staff at my hospital were I'm guessing not born in the UK), then it can distract people from the real issues. This is what happens when you have politicians and the media stoking anti-immigration sentiment over decades.

I'm sure there's an analogy with the scapegoating of minorities, on a public level, and the escapimsm of gambling in the personal sphere.

Anwyay, thankfully all this stuff is only a side show for now. I've got my little boy which overpowers this and overwhelms me with feelings of love and wonder.

Louis

Congratulations Louis!!!

Huge congratulations!

That was a very detailed account of the birth Louis.

I like a happy ending.

I've posted it before and I'll post it again: I think that precious baby boy will be in good hands with you Louis.

Wishing you all many, many happy, healthy and rewarding years as a family.

Blessings

Glint

Congratulations ☺

Brill news Louis. I have always thought Dan a fine name for a child 😉

I'm over the moon for you Louis. Wow...that was some birthing experience eh? Seems like they rarely go to plan! I'm so glad that your partner and son are safe and healthy and will be home with you tomorrow. Happy days! I've no doubt you'll be great parents. Congratulations!! xx

Not happy that you had those dramas (would have much preferred a calmer less scary version for you) but wonderful news that they're coming home 🙂 Well done Missus Cardhue 🙂

I'm proud to be British but that's because we're a multicultural nation with a heart big enough for everyone...I have always hated politics because it makes no sense to me, today, I am even more mistrusting of the politicians that purport to 'support' us! & as for people that think violence is the answer, I hate them too! I've seen some horrible stuff in my time but my Nan & her friend (in her 90's) got caught up in something on Saturday...How the hell does that happen in the name of 'good'?

I too take my hat off to the NHS & all it's workers, I care not from where they hail! Well done them for keeping your family safe & well done you for keeping it together! Enjoy these feelings Louis, they're yours to enjoy - ODAAT

Congratulations Louis and Mrs, wonderful news, enjoy him, especially during the nights!

CW

massive congratulations too louis! really lovely news to hear buddy!