Killing the Zombie

cardhue wrote:

Thanks ODAAT and CW

My last post, the realisation of the 'not good enough, especially in the eyes of my father'- I know it's very silly and I'm certainly not saying its a valid belief.

But I'm happy to have had that realisation, moved it from the depths and autopilate, fear based living - to a place where I can see it for what it is....This was a powerful moment for me.

I now feel in a position to say, that's a load of b0ll0 x. I've done the time, I know I'm a very capable person, a loving father, a hard working person who cares about other people. If I tried to tell myself that before I wouldn't have believed it.

Feel able now to work on stuff that is in a sense 'cosmetic' but in fact runs central to having greater self belief. Body languageand posture - eye contact, good posture, voice tone and speed. Aside from thinking these things were a load of shei'te, I used to think that these things would come about with greater confidence. They would fall into place once the confidence came.

But no, actually it's a two way thing. All of that good body language stuff affects how we feel about ourselves. Good posture increases testosterone and decreases cortisol (the stress hormone). It's not just about being a Silver Back and beating the chest. High testosterone and low cortisol improves our sense of personal power. With personal power comes better concentration, empathy, less judgemental, less anxiety.

Louis

It can be interesting if it makes you think on the experience. Clearly this did Louis. Happy for you. Tri x

Hello Louis,

Again, related to your past two posts. A good product continues with you as a able conduit between your pop's and son. Long will it continue....

A lot on just lately but will get round in evening the rounds up.

Take care

Back from a full on week up with folks.

What would've been a simple relaxing time with my fam and folks, celebrating folks' golden wedding, was made more complicated by the fact I had 2/3 big goals to achieve. Deliver a speech at quite a big fancy do, sing/play a song, and tell my foks about my gambling. Biggies for me.

So the end of the meal approaches, and I'm she1ting it, thinking, how am I gona suddenly deliver this random speech I've concocted, to all these people. Still, I go ahead and do it. It seems to go down well (although see below). I then do the song, this was with my partner and sister so not such a biggie. Then, yesterday, last day of my trip, I'm still having to tell my folks about the gambling thing.

I've stopped for over 3.5 years so it's not like I need to tell them for support. I need to tell them to be honest and connect with them. Id told everyone else but not them. I finally pluck up the courage and start telling. My dads first response 'why are you telling me this?'. A bit disconcerting but I soldier on. My mum's amazing, my dad's alright but struggles a bit with the emotional side of it.

But anway, the gambling disclosure goes pretty well overall. I go off and do something else. I'm thinking, yes! Done it, achieved three biggies. Pretty happy with myself.

Later, my dad wants to 'have a word'. More chat about the gambling, I think to myself. But no, turns out he's really p1$$ed off about my speech! Thinks it took the mick too much and that it painted him in a bad light.

Woah, blind sided. I thought it was all about having the baws to get up there. This isn't in my coming of age script. I've fecked up the big event. Except I haven't. My dad's showing an over sensitive side I didn't think existed. My very clever, outgoing father shows his overly sensitive side. Could this be where I get it from but he just hides it a hell of a lot better?

Anyway, universal opinion is my dad's imagining things. A good speech very much in his vein of humour. Interesting times, especially for someone with embedded 'inferiority issues', particulary in relation to my father.

Aside from that - more chat to more friends about my gambling. Always an amazing response. I'd barely been able to tell an old friend about my gambling secret life, before he opens up all about his relationship counselling for ages. I mean, it's mental how openness triggers openness in response. Almost too much, I'm thinking 'well I got in about 10 minutes and we're still talking about your thing now for 30 mins'. But it's all good really, way more connection than normal.

Certainly a lot better than hiding away, tippy tappy on my laptop doing slots in secrecy, judging the f**k out of everything whilst actually doing f**k all.

Louis

3.5 years on and V vivid gambling dream last night. I was going pub to pub on the FMS. Just like the old days but stronger than ever

Could really feel the addiction coursing through my whole body. Acting like a rabid animal. Lusting after the machines. Insatiable

Thinking I'd let myself down as I was doing it. Considering at the time if this was a dream, 'realising' it wasn't and that I'd been secretly gambling all along. My abstention was a big lie

Useful reminder of the the beast that lies within

As the 'I am addiction' poem says " I am very patient and I will laugh in your face if I can lure you into my evil world of hell on earth again"

Very much a useful reminder. Well done Louis

Thanks for the post Louis
Holding me back is what angers me the most out of all this.
It dictates where I go who I see.
What I do. I can't go shopping like a normal person because that's where all my local haunts hide.
6 years and I still haven't conkered shopping on my own
Even when I go for my wife's presents I have to have her in the same town or I would litteraly walk straight in the slots house.
As I proved last week.
I've got tons of other stuff to do yet none of that matters when gambaling is involved.
I need to find a way to let it go then maybe I can be at peace
Thanks again for the post

I realise that the idea of living according to your values seems..hmmm.... maybe cliched, or perhaps being holier than though. I don't know, I would've been as cynical as the next person a while ago. But the exercise of identifying my values was a real eye opener. I realise this might not be for people who already are 'hard wired'.

The idea is to pick around 6 and then try and lead your life by them. This is what healthier people do more naturally. Living by your values leads to a fulfilling, well lived life.

I think people get put off the idea of living by values as people confuse the idea of living according to your own freely decided values, with living by someone else's. Eg, another poster elsewhere talked about not wanting to give up gambling because he did not want to live by the Mondeo and 2.4 children dream. Or people maybe think it means having to volunteer at a charity. However, there's no right or wrong value. It's about how deep down you want to behave - how you would like your ideal you to be.

Obviously you are not going to be live up to this value all the time. But I found this to be really helpful. Persistence, acceptance, kindness, intimacy, connection, and self-development are mine. What are yours? Obviously they can be whatever you want them to be, but here's a helpful list...

1. Acceptance: to be open to and accepting of myself, others, life etc
2.Adventure: to be adventurous; to actively seek, create, or explore novel or stimulating experiences
3. Assertiveness: to respectfully stand up for my rights and request what I want
4.Authenticity: to be authentic, genuine, real; to be true to myself
5.Beauty: to appreciate, create, nurture or cultivate beauty in myself, others, theenvironment etc
6.Caring: to be caring towards myself, others, the environment etc
7.Challenge: to keep challenging myself to grow, learn, improve
8.Compassion: to act with kindnesstowards those who are suffering
9. Connection: to engage fully in whatever Iam doing, and be fullypresent with others
10.Contribution: to contribute, help, assist,or make a positive difference to myself or others
11.Conformity: to be respectful and obedient of rules and obligations
12.Cooperation: to be cooperative and collaborative with others
13.Courage: to be courageous or brave; to persist in the face of fear, threat, or difficulty
14.Creativity: to be creative or innovative
15.Curiosity: to be curious, open-minded and interested; to explore and discover
16.Encouragement: to encourage and reward behaviour that I value in myself or others
17.Equality: to treat others as equal to myself, and vice-versa
18.Excitement: to seek, create and engage inactivities that are exciting, stimulating orthrilling
19.Fairness: to be fairto myself or others
20.Fitness: to maintain or improve my fitness; to look after my physical and mental health and wellbeing
21.Flexibility: to adjust and adapt readily to changing circumstances
22.Freedom: to live freely; to choose how I live and behave, or help others do likewise
23. Friendliness: to be friendly, companionable, or agreeable towards others
24.Forgiveness: to be forgiving towards myself or others
25.Fun: to be fun-loving; to seek, create, and engage in fun-filled activities
26.Generosity: to be generous, sharing and giving, to myself or others
27.Gratitude: to be grateful for and appreciative of the positive aspects of myself, others and life
28. Honesty: to be honest, truthful, and sincere with myself and others
29.Humour: to see and appreciate the humorous side of life
30.Humility: to be humble or modest; to let my achievements speak for themselves
31.Industry: to be industrious, hard-working, dedicated
32.Independence: to be self-supportive, and choose my own way of doing things
33.Intimacy: to open up, reveal, and share myself -- emotionally or physically – in my close personal relationships
34.Justice: to uphold justice and fairness
35.Kindness: to be kind, compassionate, considerate, nurturing or caring towards myself or others
36.Love: to act lovingly or affectionately towards myself or others
37.Mindfulness: to be conscious of, open to, and curious about my here-and-now experience
38.Order: to be orderly and organized
39.Open-mindedness: to think things through, seethings from other’s points of view, and weigh evidence fairly.
40.Patience: to wait calmly for what I want
41.Persistence: to continue resolutely, despite problems or difficulties.
42.Pleasure: to create and give pleasure to myself or others
43.Power: to strongly influence or wield authority over others, e.g. taking charge,leading, organizing
44.Reciprocity: to build relationships in which there is a fair balance of giving and taking
45.Respect: to be respectful towards myself or others; to be polite, considerate and showpositive regard
46.Responsibility: to be responsible and accountable for my actions
47. Romance: to be romantic; to displayand express love or strong affection
48.Safety: to secure, protect, or ensure safety of myself or others
49.Self-awareness: to be aware of my own thoughts, feelings and actions
50.Self-care: to look after my health and wellbeing, and get my needs met
51. Self-development: to keep growing, advancing or improving in knowledge, skills,character, or life experience.
52. Self-control: to act in accordance with my own ideals
53.Sensuality: to create, explore and enjoy experiences that stimulate the five senses
54.Sexuality: to explore or express my sexuality
55.Spirituality: to connect with things bigger than myself
56. Skilfulness: to continually practice and improve my skills, and apply myself fully when using them
57. Supportiveness: to be supportive, helpful,encouraging, and available to myself or
others
58. Trust: to be trustworthy; to be loya l, faithful, sincere, and reliable

Thanks for the above post Louis. I'm going to use this for an excessive the next time I chair at GA.

A good post Louis.

I think the importance of the exercise is to face it with honesty. Most people cant get honest with themselves & so will pick values they wish others to see in them rather than ones which they believe in.

If you pick ones that are not authentic to what you truely believe, you are going to struggle to live by them. That isnt to say, we should not at least strive for some of the more noble characteristics of humanity.

Living by values or principles isnt the same as living a saintly existence.

So if your values are money, power, prestige, so be it. Unhappiness comes from that inner conflict of trying to be or live upto something you are not.

Ps Martin. A similiar exercise is on page 24 of the orange book. Daily moral inventory.

Stopping for cuppa on route to work, absolutely stunning morning, and a rare chance to reflect.

Tried this week to cut out distraction and focus on the job, both work and wider.

Giving baby full attention, doing more for my GF, no booze, no detours back home, less Internet.

Made it but it felt hard at times. Especially in the recent horrible heat. Although the the gambling's ok, I've still developed far too many mini distractions. These distractions permeate my every day.

Feels good now I'm getting to the end of my week. It's getting used to sticking to a plan which has longer term good, and not buying into transient thoughts and complusions which pop up along the way.

I really do have to set hard goals though otherwise stuff just doesn't happen.

Cutting out midweek booze at home is a definite. Minimal enjoyment and I was slipping into 1 or 2 every night. Not a biggie but it's the psychology of it. Getting away from the beer as the symbol of relaxation and contentment and moving towards what's around me for this.

Louis

Inspiring post Louis. Thanks for sharing it. -joan

Off here for a while. Nice to have a break as I'd become compulsively reading the forum. Getting very little from it, contributing little and just zombie-ing really.

Been working on getting in touch with my emotions. I've said before that repressed emotions run to the heart of my addiction. Addiction is like using a sledgehammer to try and regulate them.

People talk about stress leading to addiciton. I often wouldn't know what was going on inside of me - something was up but not really sure what. Obvious to most maybe, but I hadn't really considered that emotions have physcial sensations. And these can be noticed from a core self.

I read that people often confuse anger with other emotions - often sadness. Was having what was threatening to be a fairly savage argument with my partner. I realised, maybe for the first time, that I was actually ashamed of how I'd been behaving. I wasn't angry - I was trying to tell myself I was angry as that allowed deflection from something more threatening to myself - shame at how I'd been speaking to her.

I was able to stop in my tracks and admit that. Defused the whole thing, had an open talk. Went from car crash to openness. Nice. That whole Brene Brown thing about shame makes a lot of sense and actually seems to work.

Had a few hours to myself and wrote a song today - on the theme of social anxiety and difference between what goes on internally and what's presented outside. Think it's pretty good and might open mic it. Feels good to be getting my feelings down creatively.

Loving the Feelings Louis xx

ps. Saw the Russel Brand doc on addiction/abstinence. Think it's a repeat but new to Netflucks. Very interesting watch - our drug laws and rehabilitation approach are absolutely bonkers. Thank god my addiction never brought about my criminalisation.

Hi Louis, what brings me to Gamcare for the umpteenth time to read and post like mad, I guess I am looking for a lot of things I need (needed before when i came here), understanding of my gambling behaviour, understanding of all my emotions right now, depression, sadness, and so on ................ because I am truly knackered financially going forward to retirement, yes my posts on my diary are very sad and desperate and angry, I guess that's because I am. My life was never meant to take this wrong road (and being honest gambling is not a very worthwhile way to spend your time), being on here, I am looking desperatley looking for the answers. I am also here, because at the moment I am very frightened for my financial future. Sorry if this is wallowing in self-pity, but that's what gambling has done to a once confident happy out-going person, destroyed him.

How was I able to practice self-deception for so long, refusing to acknowledge I was an addict, never mind the full extent of my addiction? The answers the same for how do you beat a lie detector test - you beat it by really believing the lie.

It's easy to look at the gambling addiction in isolation, but what other big lies am I leading? How would I detect my own current, self-serving lies?

Would welcome answers on this - but my thoughts..

Being open-minded, inquisitive and open to criticisism can help - easier on paper but this requires a big commitment to change learned habits. But how much would that have helped my insular, secret world of gambling, which was 99% a mental world, and 1% outwardly observable (pushing a button).

Was thinking - if there are things you do, habits maybe, which you would rather people didnt know about. This could be tell-tale sign of self-deception. But then it could also not be self-deception but a fear of how others react -something I've been far too concerned about down the years and which became stifling and leads to reduced confidence in various aspects of life. So, either way, whether it's to expose my own shame, or to expose an excessive fear of judgement by others - honesty in what I do seems key.

Been thinking this for a while withuot really getting too much clarity in my mind, but here goes.

It seems that a significant number of addicts are people who are really into football and like to zone out to football, particularly on a Saturday - and let the whole results thing take over their Saturday. I had certainly had strong tendancies towards this - the idea of a Saturday afternoon vegging out, possibly having a beer (or a joint once upon a time), seemed greatly appealing. Obviously the reality of it is fairly dull - it's pretty base entertainment being stimulated by scores rolling in, by overweight retired middle aged footballers getting overly excited. Whereas once this used to be a Saturday 3pm thing and all over by 5pm, it now drags on into Saturday evening and all of Sunday. In fact, with footie now on a Monday it's pretty much non-stop.

I'm thinking that being excessively into football, especially the arm chair variety, is pressing the similar buttons (or lack of), as gambling. Zoning out and being absorbed by men running around, by the gossip, the formations...very much another form of zombie-ism. No doubt this will upset some people but I think it's pretty clear.

I suspect it's no coincidence that gambling's meteoric rise coincided with the Premiership and saturation of football through Sky etc which followed. It's ok to sit on your R-se and be spoon fed football hysteria (keep watching those ads!).

I often notice that when people stop gambling, they express a strong desire to watch a lot of sport, usually football, though without the need to be stimulated by having a bet on. So the holy grail is simply to watch a lot of sport. Each to their own, but aspiring to zone out through watching a lot of sport seems like a less destructive form of gambling. I guess that's better than gambling - but given that people become addicted because they are unsatisfied with their lives, zoning out with endless football hysteria probably isn't going to solve much. Most people are struggling with who they want to be, with relationships with other people - issues which aren't solved by watching more footie.

Does footie offer a way of channelling emotions which otherwise are not finding an outlet? Be interested in thoughts....

Louis