Killing the Zombie

Hey card hue,

Your definitely reaping the benefits of living a gamble free life, I've noticed a lot of changes to the positive in myself also. Great of you to be so honest with your GF about everything, I admire you for that. Stay strong and well done!

Chicagoguy

Very kind of you CG

Logged into my bank today to check balance. Still miles into my overdraft so monitoring on 'available funds' rather than a positive balance -which can be confusing. Thought I'd spent rather a lot since pay day last Thurs - around £350 not including any bills, rent etc. Couldn't really account for it but thought, 'oh well you always spend more than you think', maybe spending more than thought after few drinks etc, c'est la vie' etc.... Then remembered I'd reduced my overdraft by £200 when I got paid. (First time I'd reduced it in god knows how long ...used to just go up and up...and then-convert to loan and build the debt again from zero.)

Now I can account for all of the money I spent since pay day. It was like the old days when I checked my balance earlier- you'd check the balance and just expect there to be big chunks of 'unaccounted' missing - like, think of what you've spent in the last week on stuff (non gambling), and then just subtract some significant figutre 200/300/500 etc. This became normalised and I think this was why I initially shrugged off having £200 'missing' when I checked today. Always pleasantly surprised now when I check my balance

Apols for the pretty banal 'story' - The 'it's my diary' card well and truly played.

Hope everyone's persevering.

68 days gamble free. Off work now for 4 days and off up north to visit some friends. All is good

Hey card hue,

Congrats on your 68 days gamble free! Hope you enjoy your mini vacation. Stay strong, we are beating this addiction.

Chicagoguy

By my reckoning I've passed the 10 week mark/ 72 days.

Stopping smoking again today. Really bad mood. Come down from weekend, nicotine supply stopped, argument with GF this morning. a**e

On my second day of not smoking. Still in a foul mood. Combination of factors are combining with nicotine withdrawal to really get me down.

I have final exams at the end of May. Our tenancy was due to finish the same week as my exams. My flat mate (and actual mate) also has exams for then so we'd all agreed to extend our tenancy by a month. However, he's just decided he's had enough of the flat and wants to move at the end of the current tenancy, which means I'll be having to move during the week of my exams. Completely selfish of this guy but about par for the course. Lived with him for a year and he's never tidied house once/always chasing him for rent/goes mental when I ask him to wash his own dishes (actually just to put them in the dish washer!). Pretty self absorbed guy who I should never of thought to live with. Seems like someone's offered him to crash at theirs for free so he's decided he's sorted and can save a bit of rent too. Now I have the stress of looking for a place to rent in London whilst trying to juggle full time work and make or break exams.

Coupled with that got this ongoing problem with GF. One of those things which might be nothing but could be a big thing. Hopefully that's not such a big thing.

Need to try and stay relaxed. Spending far too much time thinking about what a tw&t my flat mate is. Does anyone else have that problem - obsessing about how much of a kno8 someone is? Really just need to adopt a cooler attitude but I do struggle. Been thinking of doing meditation for some time. Maybe that will help.

Hey cardhue!!

On a more positive note - Do you realise that you have reached your THREE QUARTERS OF A CENTURY in number of gamble free days!! - 75 days to be precise!! Well done! - same as me.

Hope your next project becomes easier for you over time - I am a hater of cigarettes and smoke - yuk yuk!!

Take care and good look with both.

Feb.

Hi Card,

Thanks for your comments on my diary I really appreciated it. Looking forward to Breaking Bad but going to watch the Bay tonight so I can get it back in the post to Love Film. For me it's all about keeping myself busy in the evenings. I don't like to do much but a good box set does the trick. I've heard Breaking bad is excellent, will get the second and third series I'm sure if I like it.

Well done on going two days gamble free. I have too gone two days without f**s but cracked today, I just needed one, like you I felt in a bad mood so got a packet. Keep strong and don't copy me!

Sorry to hear you think your flat mate is a nobby, I too have lived with morons, pleased also to see you keeping up your diary and staying gamble free.

Thanks my friend.

11 weeks have passed since my last bet. I guess this is an achievement but I don't genuinely feel like I've done something that great. I feel more like I've woken from a slumber and have managed to stop the rot. Eventually. I suppose I'm finding abstention easy so I see no reason to self congratulate.

Smoking however - that for me is a real battle I can identify this battle more closely to many CG's battles - more so than my own gambling addiction.

I'm on my 5th day of not smoking. First three are always hardest - I believe this is the physical addiction range. Rather than get urges I just descend into this deep doom and gloom. Thankfully the mist is clearing now and I'm starting to feel the physical benefits now. Like being able to breath through my nose and not have to spit all the time. Nice

looking for advice on following if anyone can help - further to flat mate causing me constant grief, last night brought back friends around 2am. I'd texted him to say I had uni at 8 today so to move to different room - this was ignored and the noise went on until 3.30 shen I finally snapped and chucked them out : ) Felt good though was shaking after with addrenalin which in turn meant I couldn't get to sleep! I wish that I could go and give someone a bollocking and then just go to sleep instantly.

Anyway, I've got a tendancy to overly obsess about what a tw&t someone is. By that I mean constant internal dialogue and getting wound up. I get it particularly strong in cases of tw&t mates. This isn't really good and I shouldn't let this guys selfish actions cause greater damage then the actions themselves, if that makes sense. I'm talking about mental control here.

I went to meditation for first time and enjoyed it. I think it's going to be really good for controlling 'flitting' thoughts. Maybe this can be applied to what I'm describing now...

All is well. Listening to Chilly Gonzales so it has to be really.

Discharged my all anger at flat mate. Have an exciting opening to move somewhere else short term. Bank balance continues to head in the right direction.

Nearly 80 days

Hi everyone

Sorted out my future accommodation which is a big relief. Will be somewhere half as much as paying at present too and a chance to get away from the 'Skysports culture' of my flat. Drives me nuts the overly dramatic Skysports music.

Only a 10 days away from three pay day to pay day gamble frees. Which is a certainly a good achievement. 1 pay to pay day was my record before. In 16 years! Crikey can't believe how stupid I've been.

Stay strong

Well done cardhue. It's great isn't it! I will be getting my third gamble free salary next Friday and we are both storming ahead now, both on day 83!!

Take care.

Feb.

Thanks Feb!

I just went through 12 months of bank statements prior to my giving up date. You know, just for a laugh.

Wow! Just a constant stream of £20/30/50/100s. Out of the 12 months only one month was I 'up', by all of £40. Great! Two bad months on the other hand I lost over £1100 on each. So I know that I lost £6430 over the year through online gambling (mostly slots) - which is £535 per month on average. However, even this doesn't reveal the truth. I know for a fact I caned a lot on fruit machines and casinos - for which I have no paper trail. But I reckon I would conservatively have spent £8,000 in total, which appropriately is £666 per month.

But, yeah, I probably should get out more ; )

I've noticed a lot of people don't like to quantify what they've lost - I guess people want to forget the past and turn over a new leaf. I'm totally the opposite. Knowing my losses gives me real hope for the future. I know now I've stopped I can divert that money to paying off debt. I know I can't just knock off £8000 in a year - cos when you gamble you don't actually buy anything of worth. Now I've stopped, I buy the odd thing. Still not a lot TBH - got out the habit. Probably should get some new clothes - starting to look like a right scruff!

Wanted to visit your diary to thank you for posting on mine. Things you said made me think about my situation about gambling more clearly than I had done in a while. Which is great thing because I realized how much gambling still affects other parts of my life even after long abstinence. And realizing that makes it easier not to be so hard on myself.

Happy to see that seeing amounts you lost actually makes you more hopeful. You seem like very smart guy and seems like you are dealing great with not gambling. And congrats for 80+ days free, keep it up! And wish you strength to fight that smoking too.

88 days gamble free, day 2 of not smoking, again.

Decided to cheat today by buying patches-always gone cold turkey before. Just get in such a s**t mood I thought, why have the hassle. Was in a really good mood before I stopped and was determined to keep it going but it just wasn't happening. Dopamine levels plummet that's the problem. Darkness descends...

These patches are a right racket though. The cheapest was £16 for 14 days, and then £12 for 7 days for stages 2 and 3! They reckon your meant to stay on stage 1 for 6 weeks but that sounds excessive- such obvious self interest in keeping you on these things. Will try stage 1 for a couple of weeks then drop down. Felt buzzing off the patch when it went on- nicotine high! Suddenly the world seems OK again....