Since this is the satrt of the year I will start a new fresh diary. I have others on the forum but I woud like to make this a relevant one this time out.
A quick backround info on myself. I am 36 now and have been gambling on and off for the last 13 years.I had won and lost and lost more hundreds and thou
Since this is the start of the year I will start a new fresh diary. I have others on the forum but I would like to make this a relevant one this time out.
A quick background info on myself. I am 36 now and have been gambling on and off for the last 13 year’s. I had won and lost and lost more hundreds and thousands and every time I said to myself that enough is enough it clearly wasn't. I went for about 3-4 years clean when I was with was my ex. It all started to go wrong when we split about 6-7 years ago now. Due to financial difficulties (non gambling) I was forced to move back with my folks, which I thought would be a temporary solution. However this provided me with free time and slowly but surely I was back in the gambling game (online sport betting). I am a very compulsive gambler and my episode do not last months on end mine could be over a weekend or over a week at most. However in that time I would rack up big gambling debts.
Move the clock fast 6 years and I am still in the same situation as before. I have no properties to my name or my own family to worry, by my last count currently have 6.3k in gambling debts (over the year 2015, which I have to say was the worst year for a long time). The good news that I do have my savings (I do not have access to them) but I will not use them cover my gambling debt. I will chip away at it slowly while I carry on saving.
In all of this have become selfish, deceitful, depressed and trying to avoid human contact as much as possible. What I am trying to say is that I am probably at my lowest and my most depressed point right now and I really don’t want to feel that way anymore and want to. I just want to be able to till be on this site this time next year and have something positive to share.
As it stands I am in day 0 of my recovery after my latest episode. I do have a financial payment plan that I will implement in the next week or so an I am planning on handing over my finances over to my brother (though I am not sure if I should worry him as he started gambling about the same time as me and was in recovery and is currently in recovery) as I feel he is the only person that will try and understand my situation. I am planning on sharing my problem with some of the people I know just so they are aware why I behave the way I do as I did not share my addiction and my latest episode with anyone for over a year now.
I am always trying to look forward but knowing how long I have to go just makes me more depressed. One day at the time will have to do to keep plugging away at it slowly. I feel that 2016 could be the year when the changes were made to get my life back on some track.
Well this is it for now..none of the above most probably makes any sense but it is just good to put some of the crazy thoughts in your head in writing.
Until tomorrow…
sands and everytime I said to myself that enough is enough it cleary wasn't. I went a about 3-4 years clean
Hello Donas
Its good that you've started to put support in place for yourself. You could add to that by getting some counselling off Gamcare? give them a ring?
and have you consider other help? group work? Gamblers anonymous?
Right Day one is nearing the end and it was my first day back at work and the last thing I wanted to hear was how great everyone's festive period was knowing how bad mine was but nobody has a clue. At the same time I am happy when people are but probably less today. However I have nobody else to blame but myself for the position that I find myself. Other than that work always keepa my mind busy..I am now finalising my payment plan that will take shape this week. I have moved my credit card debt to 3 different interest free credit cards...the good thing is is that I cut those cards up as soon as I set up online payment for them..so I can't use them for any purchases...I am just waiting for a few payment to come out of my current card before I can call my bank and can finally close this damm account for good...I will also be canceling my overdraft with my bank...once that is all set up I will finally be breaking up my triangle and have no access to any of the electronic money for online transactions...I can then ask my brother for help and having some plan in place will hopefully help...Maybe just maybe then I can start having some closure on this evil addiction that totally ruined 2015..this is me on my day one still depressesed but have no choice but to take little day by day steps....
Right Day 2 is over no real dramas had for more than few weeks now half a decent night sleep and working takes mind off things plus I had my first basketball session this year...which after not playing for few weeks felt like torture..day 2 is done. ..bring on day 3...
Nice one Donas. Enjoy the basketball again.
This is a very sad day indeed well two days...why can't I stop...why don't I want to stop...to really really stop...do I hate myself this much that I keep pile more and more misery...when is this going to enough...how many tears and sleepless nights I will have before I get myself into the light again. ...this is an absolute madness
..I left the gap open that i should have closed weeks ago and punished myself for it...added more debt meaning it will take me longer to pay off. ..of course money is just relative and fixing my life is more important..I did contact my brother to confess everything..not looking for support but just someone that will listen and hopefully understand...I never thought this addiction can get this bad...I think I am now at the rock bottom both emotionally and financially..I just hope the train is still time to fix things....I feel such a fraud trying to give advice but do not follow on it myself...I will be back...and be back stronger from this...
Note to myself..Well it has been just over 6 months or 174 days to be precise since I very much my last bet. I know I didn’t contribute much to my own diary not to anyone else's posts but I did visit from time to time. This addiction affects so many people some we know about and so many that do not come forward or admit to having a problem until much later.
These last 6 months were a challenge and very much will be a challenge until ...I will probably have to take it to the grave with me. Saying that it can be managed, tamed and controlled with the correct methods that are different for every single individual. Over the last 14 years I tried most of the methods until I think and I really hope reached the rock bottom and had absolutely nowhere to go financially and emotionally. I literally had to start and rebuild my life from scratch again.
Financially a couple of things have happen I amounted a debt that will take me a good few years to clear, although I was offered to clear my debt but I totally refused that as that would be very much the easy way out. Secondly because of my debt I had not move back in with my folks, which could be a step back but it was the right decision as has given that opportunity to start emotional cleansing.
Every day gambling free is a small victory to me and doing your day to day activities with a clear mind it is just that much more positive. Yes the financial debt will be a constant reminder but money is only temporary life is much precious then that. I really do hope that that second half to this year will be as "quiet" as the first half.
Keep on fighting
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