Life With Sports Bets Only

Hi Captain,

I read, reread and reread again Dave’s post, but I don’t understand why it was sent to me. If you’re reading this (Dave), feel free to enlighten me on my diary. 

I’ve been gambling online again. I hate sounding like a broken record. Even my OH is now telling me I have too much time on my hands! I am bored, but I’m lazy. I know I need something more to occupy my time and thoughts. Before I play, before I go into “planning” how I am going to get ammunition into an online account to enable my buzz…. it’s just a lightbulb moment. No craving. Just a thought that enters my head, “I could get ***** to deposit into an account. So I make the account in their name. Speak to the person, literally beg the person, finally they agree. Boom - another £300 gone. But, another avenue that’s come to an end. This is the second one of late. Neither avenues know the other has been doing this for me. If they did, both would be very angry, understandably. 

Not sure if I mentioned, but not going away now. Don’t want to go into too much detail, but covid is to blame. Maybe that had something to do with it. I am pretty disappointed. I think I’m still a child. A child that constantly needs something to keep them amused. But it’s also habit. Gamban is back on the iPad with the flick of a button…. Pointless as we both know, unless I’m willing to work with it. 

I didn’t watch Walk the Line, so I can’t comment on whether or not it was good. Sorry. I guess the viewers don’t share your opinion otherwise it’d be back for a second series. 

I couldn’t think of anything that started with America, so, I was kind of hoping you’d allow me America(n) Pie Don McLean. ? 

I hope your days improve to a reasonable 6, and I can take control this week and stop any further recurrence. We’ve got my Grandson tomorrow, so that’ll keep me busy.

Night night,

Tizzy xxx 

Posted by: @captain46

2 days without gambling for me, never tried to stop completely before, only to limit myself to advance sports bets but have taken advice to try and stop completely as I cant just stick to sports bets, end up doing other random bets at bookmakers and lose all my money.

Yesterday I went through the pain of watching sports and correctly predicting some results with no money on them. Today I forced myself not to go into bookies and get a football coupon. Lunchtime I just wandered aimlessly and after work forced myself to come straight home and not via bookies.

Hope it gets easier each day.

Hi Tizzy

For me the money was just the fuel for my addiction.

By putting stops on my access to money bank accounts gambling sites only restricted in some ways.

To hand over control was very difficult for me. But I did it.

Money to me was also a control issue and also a ear issue, when handing over funds I felt like I was being treated like a little child. Some of insecurities for sure.

The motive for doing so and taking healthy choices to save myself from more pain and suffering.

Why would I put more effort in to my recovery, was it for anther person or what people think of me.

Eventually I would understand that the gambling was an adrenaline rush for me that the highs of adrenaline rush was happiness.

I use to rush around in my car it was adrenaline rush of fears.

So why would I take my recovery seriously, because I wanted and needed to stop causing myself more and more pains.

Did I value myself enough tp put more and more effort in to changing unhealthy habits in to healthy habits. 

To give up escaping in other ways, to not allow my escaping in to television or programmes which caused me to even think about gambling or easy money.

I have lost count of the times I went back to gambling but in time I would understand my emotional triggers.

I did not want to go back to meetings because I felt such a failure in myself, I was so eay on giving up faith or hope in myself.

But by investing more time and energy in to meetings I was finding healthier choices and also  healthier people to share with.

I like many people are non religious and would question if at any time I would become healthier.

People in the meetings say you have to, I translated that in to as being a need to do thing or a want to do thing. 

Before my recovery my wording was I Have to, then by understanding my motivation in healthy ways I would fully appreciate my motives not being reluctant or obsessive, but healthy motives. 

The truth was that meetings would raise more questions than answers.

The recovery program is like we are mountain climbers and by licked to each other we have safety nets to stop us from slipping away time and time again.

A healthy sponsor will be tolerant, they will be nurturing and encouraging, they will be not say you have to, they will be demonstrate spiritual values, they will never take credit for any of your success, they will also have a two way street intimacy with you. 

In time their healing will become your healing process.

In time they will demonstrate respect honesty and sincerity to you.

In time they will demonstrate the empathy they have for them self and empathy they have for you.

Showing appreciation and gratitude is an essential part of our recovery it demonstrates our healthy values to our self and other people.

It is very important to fully understand that serenity prayer.

The only person that can help me is myself, I am not able to change other people that is their choice. 

The addictions and obsessions were a form of escape and indicated how much unhealthy fear and fears I lived in.

By talking about the events that led up to your last bet helps you understand each one of you emotional triggers.

So next time you make healthier decisions and choices.

Being bored is not healthy, it takes time to get more things done in a day, yet by being focused on your needs wants and gaols will make any person recovery much easier.

People need money which is ammunition or fuel for our escaping in our fears.

In recovery once we lay down on spreads sheets money owing and money for bills you get to focus on other things, worrying about money does not change a thing. Worrying about money is fear based.

In my recovery I would identify that my physical age did not match up to my emotional age.

Due to many pains and trauma my hurt inner child did not grow up.

In time I moved away from being focused on money and being or was in action, 

Living in the pains of my past was not helpful for me.

I was able to learn from my past and not live in it every day.

Nothing healthy or helpful about beating our self up time and time again.

Covid is an inconvenience, some people live in fear of it, living in fear of covid does not help me, so I do every thig to protect myself 

Recovery is all about healing our pains and facing our fears and reducing them.

I am still a child. Yet a healing child that is coming out to play more and more and enjoy intimacy.

Television and computer can become obsessive so balance was important in my life.

Enjoy your time with your Grandson, time with them helps our own healing and reduces our fears.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK

Hi Captain,

Dave, thank you for your words of encouragement, it’s appreciated. But if you want to continue, it would probably be better to post it on my diary, not Captain’s. I had a look for yours but couldn’t find one. 

So today wasn’t a great day. I persuaded OH to go shopping. I spent so much money. I’ve just made bad matters worse. I do think after time it stops hurting as much. You become more immune to any hurt or upset. I feel fed up with myself. Disappointed. The money I’ve spent over the last two weeks (ish) would have paid for a holiday for two to the Maldives. Not that I want to go to the Maldives. I don’t want to fly anymore. I’ve watched too many air crash investigations programmes! 

I know how you relate Captain. I appreciate you being there, trying to help me to get back on the straight (ish) and narrow. I smiled at your comment about Gamban, that it was supposed to be a padlock ? and of course, you’re spot on my friend. 

You know I’m not at rock bottom. But I know it’s not healthy. Who in their right mind could consider “wasting” this sort of money healthy. It’s shameful. I don’t know where I go from here. I certainly won’t be gambling online. I have no more enablers, not that I want any! Both know I have a problem. But every time I tell them it’s the last time. And when I say it, I REALLY mean it, until I’ve lost…they’ve both made it clear - NO MORE. Which obviously is a good thing. But it’s the same old story, shopping isn’t good either is it? ?

OH is currently watching The Bay as I sit here on my iPad pouring my soul out to you. It’s ok, just for a change ???The Teacher starts next Monday, hopefully that will be better. We can but hope. 

Thanks for the poem’s Captain. Wish I could return the favour, maybe one day I will. 

You asked the other day about my Dad. His wound is continuing to heal. But he’s still heard nothing from the hospital re checking for the bone infection. God willing it won’t be making a return ???He’s improving slowly, even doing a little cooking, which is good. 

Now to our game. I’ll go with Heart of Glass by Blondie. 

Thanks as always for your support.

Tizzy xxx

The word stimulation is uppermost in my thoughts today so wanted to write about it.

When I think back the number of times I used gambling as a stimulant was extraordinary. In the fullness of time with huge financial losses and negative impacts on life, relationships and other people, it’s hard to see gambling in a positive light.

But there have just been so many days over the years when I really don’t know how I would have gotten through them without having a bet, as a stimulant, such that it gave me confidence to do something - a work meeting, a difficult conversation, be able to go through the drudgery of just another ordinary night of nothingness, go on a family visit, attend a night out. So many events, circumstances and situations where gambling enabled me to survive, participate, get through things. 

Ive never had any other vices so I truly don’t know what other things I could have done. Most times I was looking to stimulate to provide extra confidence, which a win would provide, but even on occasions of loss, I would sometimes still be able to proceed. Why was this? Well back to ‘why was I doing gambling for stimulation?’ - effectively to stir emotions  within myself which were not coming along naturally - ups and downs, happiness, delight, sadness, frustration, regret, remorse, sorrow, self loving, self loathing. The stimulation experienced when gambling as a ‘necessity’ before some event which I felt I couldn’t cope well with was to make me feel more alive, more confident, more part of the world. 

When I had natural emotional feelings through everyday life and through participation in things I looked forward to and enjoyed, I didn’t need the stimulant of gambling. As my life changed and these natural feelings reduced more and more, gambling was the emotional crutch and stimulant which I used in replacement. 

Hi Captain,

I hope you’re feeling ok. 

We went to see my parents today. Sadly Dads wound has been looking a little inflamed. But worse than that, he’s been experiencing some pain in his ribs. So he contacted the hospital and has to go and see someone from the surgical team in the morning. It’s good they’re now “on it”….I am just keeping everything crossed it’s not the bone infection, because if it is, he may need more surgery. He needs a break, and some luck. 

We watched episode 1 of The Responder. I didn’t enjoy it at all. Although my parables insist episode 2 is better. We’ve not decided if we’ll get that far!

We may go away for a couple of nights next week. Not too far. OH has to go and look at some work, so I think we’ll stay in that vicinity. It’ll just be something to look forward to. Something out of the norm! 

I’ve not really given much thought to gambling today. Which is always good. Tomorrow is always another day though. 

You win again Captain. I cannot think of any song beginning with Champagne ?…. I’m really not very good at this! 

Tizzy xxx

Hi Captain,

Ive not felt great for a few days either, so you and me both kid! 

I think my Dad’s situation is having a big effect on my mood. When he went to the hospital on Friday they checked his bloods and basically told my Dad the opposite of what he was told whilst he was in hospital! They told him his MRI scan showed there was no infection on the bone. Whereas they’d told him there was when he was in hospital. Don’t get me wrong I’d love to believe there wasn’t, but someone’s got it wrong! As you can imagine after all he’s been through we sadly don’t have a lot of faith! But, I keep telling myself whatever happens THEY WILL sort him out. I have to do that Captain for my own sanity. 

So feeling the way I’ve felt, well I just want to be out all the time. I don’t  want to be in overthinking things! OH doesn’t want to be out, he doesn’t mind the odd night out at bingo, but unlike me he doesn’t want to often. 

We had our Grandson today, I struggled a little. OH helps, but I still found it hard work. I think it’s my frame of mind.  

As soon as our Grandson left, I was thinking about gambling. It is so hard to explain to a non gambler how it affects one’s mind. And I’m totally with you about “having something to look forward to”.

We decided not to go away, gonna give it a few weeks. That hasn’t helped. I just feel like curling up and going to bed ?

re The Tourist, I found the first two episodes good, it sadly went downhill. Interested to hear your opinion. 

I hope you’re feeling somewhat better BFF.

Tizzy xxx

Hello Captain,

Sorry it’s been a little while. I’ve still not been great. Although I felt a bit better yesterday and I’ve woken up feeling ok today - no anxious feelings about Dad or gambling. 

Not sure where we are with Dad. His general doc sent him some antibiotics. Not sure whether they’ll help or just mask over the real problem. He says he’s ok, so just have to wait and see. But I’m a little more optimistic. 

I hope you’re feeling a bit better. It’s hard. I believe we all need an escapism. A hobby. Have you ever considered drawing? I have an old school friend who has recently taken up drawing and he absolutely loves it. He’s pretty good at it too. I appreciate how much harder it is for you, being on your own and being a loner. Maybe you should think about joining some sort of club. Or even possibly look for female friendship. I know you’ll poo poo that idea. But you really never know! 

I had another relapse on Thursday. It’s amazing how we’ll always find a way isn’t it? As I say, I get a thought into my head, that then becomes a plan - then I action it. I never think about the after effects. I just think “I’ll have a bit of fun”. Same old story, more than doubled my deposit. But I couldn’t stop playing until every penny had gone! Needless to say, I had a terrible nights sleep. Tossing and turning, so many different thoughts going through my head. But, I know I must remember this when I ever contemplate doing it again.

I smiled when you spoke about The Tourist. I agree, it became silly, which is a shame because I think it could have been really good. Talking of really good, we have been watching The Teacher. I think there’s only four and we have already watched 3. Just the last one to go and I really really like it. Interested to hear your opinion ?

Ive got a new game for us. We’ll go through the alphabet, starting with A. Name a song/group/person relevant to you, or to a time in your life. 
Ok - so I’ll start with “A whole lotta Rosie” a song I used to love when I used to go and watch local bands in my hey day ??? As this game is new, I’ll let you decide if you also use “a”, or, you can just move on to “b” ?

I truly wish you a good Saturday BFF,

Tizzy xxx

Hi Captain,

What a pair we are atm. What with my Dad and your Mother. I just feel like, give us a break. The nurses came today to change Dads dressing. They are still not happy and will (again) contact the doctor. But, as I say, it is something that they can sort out, that’s what I keep telling myself, just so I don’t go down the rabbit hole! 

We finished The Teacher. It was just above average. BUT, we started Trigger Point tonight and really enjoyed it. I wasn’t expecting much from it tbh as my mum had already watched it and didn’t rate it. I can’t wait for episode 2 tomorrow! 

My mind is in a better place atm with regard to online gambling. Fortunately my latest hiccup didn’t cause me too much distress. But I know I must learn from it. 

How’s work Captain? I know being in the office some days isn’t good for you ☹️ Are you busy? 

I’ve not done much baking of late. I’m thinking I will make a lemon drizzle cake tomorrow. We are not having our Grandson - Grandparents day off ?

For our game I’ll choose Bananarama, they just remind me of my younger days ?

Sweet dreams Captain 

Tizzy xxx

Hi Captain,

Hope you’re feeling ok. 

The doctor contacted my Dad today. He’s got to go to the same place he went two weeks ago, but apparently someone more “senior” will see my Dad. It would be good to get some good news, but we’ll see…

Im tired out after having the Grandson today. I didn’t even get around to baking. Think an early night is on the cards. 

We’ve watched 3 episodes of Trigger Point, I think it’s pretty good, hopefully you will too ? We have to find something to watch tonight! 

Obviously our gambling stories are different. In that you had (what I’d call a talent) a way you could have made money if you wasn’t a CG. I understand you’d be no millionaire, but you’d be in the position where you’d be doing something you really enjoyed, something you’d always done and you wouldn’t be out of pocket - on the whole. But we both know the CG inside you wouldn’t allow that. But because of that, there are many different scenarios with regard to your feelings/emotions/ based on the particular outcome that day. 
If I won, or was even, so “still in the game” I would sleep ok - but gambling would be on my mind and I’d always want to get up early to get “back on it” If I’d lost, totally restless. Annoyed with myself for not cashing out. But (and I know you know this feeling all too well) after the pain of losing had subsided, I’d then be thinking and thinking of ways to “get back in the action”. And the cycle continued…

There is a lady who I know from the bingo. She has problems at home. But she has developed a big gambling problem. She is aware, but gambles to get away from reality. It’s so sad. She’s lovely, beautiful and a great laugh, but I feel it will end in tears. I have told her snippets about me, but you and I know, until you are ready to address being a CG, no one can help,you. But that won’t stop me trying. 

Everything in life is ok in moderation….

Ill go with C and Chain Reaction, a great song. 

Have a good evening Captain,

Tizzy xxx

@tizzy1970 

Hi Tizzy

Our gambling experiences differ in some ways yet the out come is self abuse self neglect and lots of pain we bury and suppress.

I use to think that money would resolve all my emotional issues that was not true for me.

The addictions were a waste of my time and my energy and were not going to get me any where healthy.

So the decision do I want to continue causing myself and others more pain.

The recovery program was a slow healing process.

Yet healing could not happen if I was still causing myself pains in other ways.

Being angry at our self for being unhealthy does not help us in any way.

In time we learn to be kinder and more nurturing towards our self.

All the time I was obsessed and focused on my addiction or addictions I was not focused on resolve or healing of myself.

When we see or meet with some one who is not aware of the recovery program we can offer to go to their first meeting with them.

It is not healthy for us to try and pull some one out when they are in action and self destructive.

Often in other people we will see our self in those people.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

Hi BFF,

Sorry I’ve not been around for a few days. We’ve had a few family things going on, and by the time I’ve come to bed I can barely keep my eyes open. 

How are you feeling now? How has your weekend been? I hope tomorrow is a better day at work for you. Hopefully the weekend has helped, even if slightly. 

I’ve not gambled online. It helps when I’m busy as I’m sure you’ll agree - less time to think about it! 

How did you get on with The Teacher? We’ve watched the second episode of No Return, same main actress as in The Teacher. It’s not bad, 2 episodes to go. 

I think I’d better get to sleep. But before I go, I’m going to go with Duran Duran for the game. They were the first group that I really “lurrrrved”…. think I was about 13! Girls on Film and suchlike. 

Tizzy xxx

Helllo Captain,

Well, well, well, looks like I’m getting me some competition ?…. I have got to say, it made me smile. I think it’s a good idea. Cards on the table, knowing some of the “alerts” you’ll be fine. No doubt there will be others out there in a similar position to you (for whatever reason) and it will give you something else to think about. From the sound of things, you could do with it, with his work is affecting you of late. Don’t be making me jealous though will you!!!!?

No real news this end. Well actually that’s not true. But sadly it’s not news I can share on here. I’ve realised that anyone could read this, and possibly connect to me, so, like you, I’m trying to be careful. I’d hate for someone I know to recognise me through my diary and my messages to you.

Ive not gambled online at all. Been good. No urges either, which is definitely a bonus. 

We’re going to watch a film tonight for a change. That’s the plan anyway. ?

I don’t know about you, but for me, there are plenty of groups and songs that when I was “young” I didn’t appreciate. I was never into The Police. But, as I’ve got older I really like the song Every Breath You Take, so there’s  my choice for E.

Have a good evening BFF,

Tizzy xxx

Hi Captain,

Yes, the weekend is here! But I totally understand from your perspective you’re glad to have time away from the stress of work, but by the same token it gives you a lot of time on your hands. We both know the key is finding things to keep you amused. Whatever that may be. We both enjoy a “good” drama on the tv, but one can only watch so much tv! 

I do think having a chat and (hopefully) a laugh with your online dating site will fill a little gap. And of course, give you something else to think about. Nothing wrong with a little flirt here and there ?

It’s certainly been windy today. Lots of trees down in the roads around here. The schools and nursery’s were closed today, so Nana to the rescue. Although my little Grandson was pretty good for Nana. And we did get McDonald’s for lunch ??? which was rather naughty as we’re actually going out for dinner tonight with my sibling and their partner (notice I’m not giving anything away) We’re going to a Thai restaurant, it’s my favourite ? 

If ok with you ?I’m going to stick with E and say the one and only Elvis. I loved him. Watched many of his films. I used to have pics of him on my walls when I was a teenager. Very, very sad that he died at the very young age of 42. But as we know, he didn’t look after himself ☹️ 

Keep me updated on the dating site ?

Tizzy xxx

I really need to get my act together. Life is just the same old Monday to Friday and the same old but different on a weekend. 

Been a long time since any new memories created. Can’t keep living on injecting myself with recollections of great times from over 30 years ago.

Most of the last 30 years are just a blur of mistakes and losing all my money with a scattering of good times in between, which were few and far between. 

The viscous circle continues. It ain’t going away. It just won’t quit.

@captain46 

Hi Captain,

Hope your well. I can see how hard it is living in the past and not moving forwards. How about starting by getting a diary and trying to fill it with activities that appeal too you. I know sometimes money can get in the way but I'm sure if you look there is quite a lot of things you can plan that's not high costly. How about signing up for some charity runs, I know you like your running 

Take care Kate x