Life With Sports Bets Only

Interesting point, Captain, but I disagree with you regarding the effect weather has on us.

You mention the fact that people in hot climates are not deliriously happy, but at the risk of outrageous generalisation I would say that on the whole they are happier - it's just that they have to put up with a lot of carp politicians, fundamentalist nutters (of whatever religion), violent weather, earthquakes and so on. Similarly in Europe, I would say southern Europeans have sunnier natures than say, Scandinavians - because of the weather. (Sorry Herr Wallander!) In Britain we can have four seasons in one day, hence our tolerance!!

So yes, weather does affect us - personally I love thunderstorms, but the sunshine does lift my spirits and gives me the opportunity to do more outside which for me is a good antidote to the gambling bug.

"Just direct your feet to the sunny side of the street....."

Joanna

Happy Easter, Captain! I didn't realize just how much the weather affects me until this year, really. The days are getting longer in my part of the world and it does make me feel better. Winter is very long and dark here and on our shortest day, we just barely get 7 hours of light. It never seemed to affect me before but this year it really got to me.

Thanks SA, Joanna and Carla.

Well guess I am in the minority on here and in life in general. In a general sense, not gambling related, I have just never understood how the weather affects peoples happiness and moods.

For me, if it's light it's light, if it's dark it's dark, if it's cold put warmer clothes on, if it's hot wear less clothes etc etc but none of this impacts my moods or happiness levels, never has. Many other elements of life may have an impact in me but not the weather.

The fallout from my abstinence from random gambling is now being noted by the few friends and family I am in touch with.

When I was random gambling, I had highs and lows based on wins, losses and general involvement. They liked the person I was when I was on a high, didnt like the person I was when I was low, although they didnt always associate this with gambling and some didnt even realise my gambling problems.

For a period of time I was happy at having abstained from random gambling and they saw some highs which were not gambling induced.

For the last couple of months it has become a case of being just average, with no highs - the feeling of being pleased to continue abstaining has gone, its more a case of, 'ok, I dont random gamble any more so this is is life'. People have noticed they dont see any highs any more, they want to help, but they cant.

Never really thought abstinence would have a negative effect on other people. I've told them it may be just a phase but in reality it may be I'm like this for a long time, or forever. Just average, not wanting the lows again but not having anything to give me a high either. Guess if you are reliant on something giving you a high for over 20 years and it goes, there has to be a gap. Just didnt anticipate and dont want the negative effect on others.

You've written some ridiculous stuff on here over the years - but this is certainly right up there! Blaming the 'negative effect you are having on other people' on abstinence is quite a twisted way of looking at it, even when you frame it as you do.

Anyway, hope all is well Cap. Pleased to hear you are steering clear of the random stuff.

My personal theory is that you will reach your positive place - but it may take many more months and years of patience. I also think the chances would be astronomically increased if you took on the incredible, painful, uncomfortable, and seemingly insurmountable task of abstaining from gambling completely (and doing so for an extended period).

You will throw your hands up now and say I don't know you - I don't know your life; how dull it is, and how isolated you are, what mistakes you've made and so on and so forth. You'll even tell me gambling has brought you some of the happiest experiences of your life. But remember I have read your diary religiously for the best part of two years (where some others might have fallen by the wayside). I am not preaching or pontificating.. I am not telling you there will be a glorious epiphany tomorrow where everything will suddenly be OK.

But I will say there is still plenty of time to do the bravest, hardest and most courageous thing you have ever done. At the age of 48(?) there is a hell of a lot you can still do with your life.

All the best

D123

D123 - re the 'ridiculous stuff' that I write - I tell it as it is and all my views and feelings are just honest! At the moment the few people in my life want to see a spark in me again and the reason that spark has gone is abstinence.

Thanks for continuing to tune in to my diary - you are right, I think many others have given up reading, thats their perogative, I have stopped reading a number of diaries which were of no benefit to me or were just idle chat and not recovery related.

Im not going to say you dont know me, I think you have a fair idea from reading the diary as to what my life is like and of me as a person. But the one thing you dont get is that I have no intention of giving up gambling completely. The football bets I place are the highlight of my life. But outwith those 3 or 4 hours a week selecting games and tracking scores gambling plays no part in my life.

I dont know how else to explain this, I can only repeat I have analysed and considered doing all sorts of things for 6 years now - there is nothing that interests me in the current world. I would love to still be able to gamble but I cant and my finances have improved by this but thats the only benefit. It is however a necessary benefit and I'm not going back to gambling

I read from JamesP on an 'overcoming problem gambling' thread -

Since stopping, I have discovered those things that do give me happiness and fulfilment - I do charity work, I exercise, write, sing, go hiking and travelling; these things often put me on cloud nine that lasts for days.

Good luck to him but I have no ambition or inclination to do any of these things, they dont appeal. I have spent many hours reading diaries on here where people tell of their fantastic lives without gambling. I would like to be able to play football and run a lot more but I cant, but other than that the stuff I read is just boring humdrum stuff, nothing exciting or appealing. Not meaning to be critical of others here, if they are happy with their lives good luck to them.

Many people in their lives experience (non-gambling or addiction related) highs at a young age and then when they cannot recapture or repeat them, they spend the rest of their lives either living in the memories or trying to re-create them falsely. Thats where I am. I used gambling to escape from a boring mundane life, having known real highs. Gambling gave me some highs equal to the ones I experienced in sport many years ago but also many lows much lower than anything else in my life. I still wish I could use gambling as my escape but I cant.

Giving up a harmless hobby of placing a couple of football bets a week wouldnt be a brave or courageous, it would be stupid. It would take away the small chink of light in my life. Its not that I couldnt do it, its that I dont want to. Giving up the random was very hard and took years, giving up the football I could do if I wanted but I dont.

I hope you are right D123 re things feeling better at some point but if they do it wont be aided by not placing a couple of football bets a week.

have you ever considered cbt counselling captain you never know might be worth a try if you spend 200 pound a week on football bets maybe a bit of this could go towards your counselling you never know you might even get the cbt counselling free if you hunt about.

I think cbt could help you as at the moment you sound like your a bit of a victor meldrew character I mean that in a nice way you never know after the cbt counselling you could be more like delboy happy go lucky and positive stranger things have happened.

all just a suggestion captain but i know cbt helped me.

Really think this Forum would benefit if when people go back to gambling after a period of abstinence if posts werent made of the nature of 'back to Day 1 for you but you still have my support'. This message that the person has to 'start again' isnt supportive and is so negative.

It is also a symptom of the view taken that every gambler is the same, recovery should be the same for all, feelings and benefits experienced in recovery should be the same for all. Absolute nonsense.

Everyone on here has one thing in common. Only one thing. They have a gambling problem. Their lives, characters, personalities, other life issues and recovery methods and routes and aims are all varied. Those providing support should support regardless, not only support on a basis that the other person should be a clone of themselves.

Hiya captain

Fully agree with day one my day one will always be the day I admitted my problem but I guess it's each to their own

Thanks for the post of support , gave in to the thinking I could control it once again the good thing is I quickly realised and got back on track , what I would like to point out as a reader of your diary that no way did reading it and seeing how you deal with your recovery have any affect on my relapse , I make my own choices and I made some bad ones recently I don't think for one minute you would have thought that but maybe others could

Just really pleased it works for you and that's all that matters

Continued best wishes to you

Castle2

10 months done, 2 to go.

28th June is a Saturday - may have a blowout day that day to celebrate 1 year random free !

My lack of self-esteem and confidence continue to frustrate me.

A recent social event I had to attend was an example. I just freeze and cant talk to people, just count the hours and minutes till I can get out of there and back home.

At work I dont take part in much conversation that isnt work related.

When gambling all of the above was true after I had a gambling day where I lost my all my money but when winning (albeit of course temporarily) it gave me the confidence to have some more general conversation and I was better at social occasions so my moods and confidence were up and down.

Abstinence helps me financially but not socially and not confidence wise. I am 10 months random free but my confidence on the whole is lower.

When your life is messed up, its messed up, whether you use an escape mechanism and drug like gambling or not.

Captain,

I've been a reader of your diary for a number of months now, but your story started well before that. Can I ask; have you received any sort of counselling/been to see a psychologist?

I vaguely remember you mentioning something like this before, although I may be getting confused with another user. Your addiction runs a lot deeper than most or at the very least, you're a lot more aware of your underlying issues than others.

To me, it feels like your slowly but surely trying to find a way in which to justify returning to "random" gambling again. I've had that feeling for a long time now and your last post has that feeling about it to me.

Thanks Martin

Yes I have had counselling in the past and you are spot on that my addiction and general issues run deeper than most. (as confirmed by the counsellors).

I have had a number of conversations with people on here where I have tried to re-iterate that point. Unfortunately those other users just accuse me of being 'not willing to completely abstain (I have never wanted to) or 'not trying hard enough' - God I have gone through hell in my 6 year recovery trying to stop various gambling problem areas and eventually got there.

Too many people on here just see everyone in the same light - that you quit all gambling and life gets better - total nonsense. For some that is the case, but only where gambling is their main or only problem. Not for those like me where gambling isnt the root problem but a means of coping and an escape from a life created by other things, in my case bad life decisions and some unfortunate occurences, so some my own doing and some just bad luck.

Part of me is maybe trying to justify a return to random gambling but I know it isnt the answer - certainly not financially although as per my last post it does have some positive impact in other ways.

Ideally I find some other way to achieve 'buzz' in my life and increase my self-esteem and confidence. But I have been looking and trying to find other things for the whole 6 year recovery period and before. Again a point of dispute with other users - they somehow cannot accept and dont believe how much I have been trying and dont accept that I am a guy with very limited interests in anything.

The statement I keep making on here is 100% honest ( as are all my entries) - the only things I read about in the so-called wonderful lives of those who are in long term abstinence which I would like to do are more running and playing football - neither will ever be possible though. I am not criticising any other lives when I say this, if others are happy with the things they describe, great for them.

The football season as far as the accumulators I place is over. This leaves me in a position where I don't know when I will again place a bet of any sort.

This leaves a huge gap in my life, not in terms of spending time, but an emotional void. I am determined to get to 1 year random free on 28th June but the time between now and then is going to drag and I'm going to feel empty and low a lot I think.

Captain

I can see how much that year means to you and are determined to get there , look back to June 28 last year no football till August then and you successfully got through that

As always keep doing what you ate doing its still working

Castle2