Life With Sports Bets Only

Thanks Duncs and Chris, much appreciated. 

Duncs - thanks in particular for honesty re not being sure you can help me move forward but that you can walk beside me.

Chris - I have worked through steps 1 to 8 and actioned and accepted and contacted a couple of people one of whom I hadn’t spoken to for 6 years. 

I am happy to surrender and admit my mistakes and resolve to live differently moving forward and be a better person. The part I cannot accept and deal with right now is the inability to live the life I could and should have and knowing that opportunity has gone forever, I can’t turn back time, I can’t do the things I should have done in my 30s and 40s and never will be able to.

Not returning to gambling ways is one thing but I can’t see a future ahead right now given my head wasn’t in the right place in past years to both enjoy life and build foundations such that now I would be reaping rewards. 

Can only see a sombre existence for my remaining years. 

Any advice or support from anyone on my position appreciated - how to live life at 54 with the sudden realisation that you have screwed up your life and missed out on so much ( forget the financial side, just how do you make a life for yourself starting again with none of the foundations and background that most 'normal' non-addict 54 year old guys have? )

P.s. not feeling sorry for myself one bit here, nobody to blame but myself and appreciate a lot of people worse off than me but really only another compulsive gambler in a similar situation / similar age can provide any assistance here I think - no relationship, no kids, few friends, few family, my head stuck in a place thinking 'wish I was 20 years younger', really no idea how to make a life at all, have to do something but no idea what, just going through the motions on autopilot

Hi captain46,

My belief is that to move forward to have a life with fulfilment I've had to remove my focus from what I can't change and work on achieving what I can change - having more relationships/friends and hobbies that were in my *** when gambling was taken out of my life. 

I've had to do lots of work with the relationship with myself because the boredom and restlessness that were driving my addictive mind was rooted in my self perception and developmental issues. 

I found for a long time that I wanted many things in my life such as emotional rooted relationships but struggled to form them until I built a loving caring relationship with myself. 

Have a great day! 

Hi Captain, I’ve been in your situation and i really did struggle for quite some time, i dropped from high and fell slowly to the basement, unable to work through ill health, money gone, friends very few and not local ( just as well) , fell out with what family is left (I’m 65), no place to call home,( ended up in a hostel), so from owning my own property, family and friends, plenty of work and fighting fit, i lost the lot!! How did i get back on the level? Good question? I new I’d hit my bottom line, but i also saw others that were worse off than me, sometimes i was bed ridden unable to walk for days, i crawled to the toilet and the water tap, , i had various occasions when i was admitted to hospital. And amongst all this i could see myself, i wasn’t going to lay down, i knew that I had to get up and move forward, i had time to think about my situation and prioritise how was my way to get up, a new start and as i addressed each of my problems like my health and my best way to get by with my problems, my money problems, i went to CAB and got that sorted, i went to the council and i got a homeworker to help me find a home, as i was doing these things i felt that i was achieving, and people who saw me trying , became more helpful to me, i was looking after myself and people were looking at me in a good way, i found my home and carried on looking after myself and when i was able to do that i was able to help others, it’s not easy and it doesn’t take much to knock me back, but i can deal with it and i get back up, i show appreciation to those that help me and i feel at ease with my self. Sometimes i do get a bit “woe is me” and feel a bit sorry for myself but i shake myself out of that because I know that dwelling on the past will eat you alive, if you stand still and keep looking back , then you ain’t going forward! What’s done is done, the past is the past, it happened and nothing will change that,, so it’s the present and the future that is important and that’s a fact, . I’m not worried about so called friends, there’s only a couple of mates and sometimes that can be too many (smile), family rifts that i wanted to heal have been sorted, those that i didn’t want to heal i really don’t bother with, i don’t do dramas and I try to make things as easy as possible for myself, i don’t look for much and i don’t expect anything other than smile, respect and general day to day stuff, I’ve taken up fishing and although I’d like to go more often than i do, it gives me something to look forward to, i do stuff on my own and enjoy a pint and always have a passing conversation with someone, there’s a couple of people i now go out with, not often but now and again, i like my own space and i have also become more patient with others, we are all different. I know that this seems all about me but i hope you can take a few ideas from it, i wish you good luck. Regards bobbyj/Rainman 

@captain46 As someone who does understand what it is like to restart over 50, I feel for you. You say you have worked through steps 1-8, but step 9, the making amends, should start with you. By making amends to yourself you can let the past go. If you've done step 5, you should have rid yourself of your past to another person. 

I don't know how long it has been since you put gambling down, but you talk about others with a non gambling past, in fact I quote "how to live life at 54 with the sudden realisation that you have screwed up your life and missed out on so much ( forget the financial side, just how do you make a life for yourself starting again with none of the foundations and background that most 'normal' non-addict 54 year old guys have? )"

If you have only just put gambling down, it will take a while before you might feel mentally ready to actually live your life. For me it was all about small steps. I had nothing, no-one, no friends, kids lived abroad, no job, no money, a criminal record with no real chance of doing what I wanted and I didn't know how to do anything else. Stopped gambling again. Got that camaraderie through GA. Talked to people again. Got up and washed every day. Gave myself a purpose. Once I had purpose I had hope. I don't want to bore you here but what I didn't do was give up on any part of getting better. I went to the Gym and helped my mental health. I started working for myself, not for the money but for the purpose of having something to get up for, and so on. Life throws other things in the way and previously I would have used gambling as my escape from dealing with life. But now I don't, and every day I feel a little more like doing something else, like meeting someone or joining a club, whatever it might be that gives me normality.

Everything is really based around one day at a time, not trying to fix my whole life's problems at once.

Chris.

Thanks for responses Wallis and Rainman, really much appreciated guys and some food for thought there, will spend time analysing what you have typed and see what I can look to apply.

People always said it was about a day at a time not gambling but for me its about a day at a time trying to unravel my head in general and try to work things out and decide how to take any sort of step which may be regarded as even half positive in a quest to determine 'Who am I now?' What can I realistically aim for? Cant magically conjure up what I dont have but if I can just feel that something is achievable and set some sort of targets so 'this time next year' I'll be......

Trying to take things out of lyrics of songs which feel appropriate at the moment, think God is pointing me to certain lyrics each day

Back on terms with a friend I hadn't seen for years but not sure it is sustainable as he has a lot I don't and I feel  he is feeling sorry for me and looking down on me so we are not 'equal' like we once were

Captain,

Welcome back to the forums.

I remember you from old and used to follow your diary. I recall you mentioning you had an old sports injury that prevented you from being active in sport or physical activity. I hope that is not the case today.

Anyway, you are a young man at 54 with decades ahead of you. I hope you can find change and a new way of living. There is something interesting for all of us. Something to really get into which opens new opportunities to meet new people. There must be.

I hope to hear from you some more and hope to follow an exciting new chapter in your life.

P.S. I think the post from Chris above was absolutely first class. I always read what he says with great interest. If anyone knows about embracing change and finding a better life it is him. He’d probably say if he can do it so can anybody with similar desires to succeed.

Take care.

RR

Thanks Chris and Roulette for recent posts, appreciated.

Chris I have a job which I enjoy and I undertake physical activity each day - those are part of my ‘autopilot’ mode but I do understand I am better than many others with regards those 2 aspects. Yes both have been somewhat affected during really bad times of gambling.

But my general physical health is ok and I do a good job at work. Just need to find a life beyond just that which is more than watching TV and reading and appreciate it’s one day at a time and it won’t happen overnight.

Roulette - I don’t recall your name from past years, you may have had a different username? 

Touched you read my diary and remember the sports injury - unfortunately that was permanent and stopped me doing competitive sport but I am able to still exercise and stay fit so that’s good. The injury did have a big impact on the gambling- no competitive sport meant more focus on competitiveness gained (lost!) from gambling. 

I like your quote about there must be something to get into which involves meeting new people - that’s it in a sentence - something new and meeting new people - probably easier said than done finding what the activity would be but more than willing to think and try. 

What I can’t conjure up is a family with kids, close friends who I have had for the past 30 years- those are examples of the things I should have and don’t which I’m struggling to come to terms with but I know I can only move forward. But every time I see a couple with kids just now I think ‘that should be me’ 

Captain 

fella I would like to say that I relate in my own experience  to what you write in regards to others. I have or had spent a significant proportion of my life looking at others with emotional envy, jealousy and the feelings of emptiness at what I perceive they had  that I didn’t.

Today I believe through a commitment to nobody but myself I find a better outlook, one of purpose, one were living to be the best version of myself is selfish yet selfless in the outcome it brings to life.

to live life on life’s terms was something I didn’t accept, I still wanted to cherry pick the nice bits and discard the less tasteful things.

 I accept that life doesn’t work that way 

as a result I build on what are my strengths and weaknesses in equal measure.

fella keep digging, keep peeling off the layers 

Just for today 

Duncs 

Trying to take one day at a time 

So having a go at writing in rhyme

I'm restless, fidgety not sleeping the best

Need to try and be calm and get more rest

On moderation takes time for posts to show on here

My own fault for stupid comments in a previous year

Regrets and bad decisions I have a few

Trying now to start anew

Taking advice from those who post

Make amends to those who matter most

Show I can be the real me

The man 30 years ago I used to be

He gambled small stakes and had some fun

He played football and he could run

Promotions meant more money came in

Might as well just have thrown it in the bin

Stakes increased to silly amounts

Lost so much money its impossible to count

The money's gone the gambler has too

He has to find something new

Not a patient man but can't expect change overnight

Surely something will come along which just feels right

Autopilot is an exhausting way of life

Far better if I had kids and a wife

But my health and work are both generally fine

I'm in a lot of debt but not on the breadline

I need to meet new people and stop being alone

Face to face not online or on the phone

Form relationships before its too late

Dress myself up to go on a date

Given so much time to having a bet

Cant just give up, must be more in this life for me yet

Could stop washing hands, stop wearing a mask

Stop doing what the government ask

Catch covid and lay down and die

But that would be cowardly so I must try

To find happiness and calmness and a way ahead

Create some happy memories before I am dead

That's a great poem x hope you find more happiness and peace soon

Thanks Loulou 

time for another poem:

The day passes slowly keep checking the time

If I was normal then I would be fine

But something within me had to keep taking a chance 

Needed escape and the buzz not just money to enhance 

Debts grew and funds became low

Off to the bank or a loan shark I’d go

A viscious circle and a rubbish life

Moving always backwards and finding strife 

I’m on a better path now but the shadow remains 

Of significant losses and very few gains

Boredom is a factor can’t fill all my spare time 

I’m on a journey but it’s a steep climb

Going to bed is best part of the day

Switch off and sleep some hours away 

Maybe this time next year my head will be in a better place 

Need to take small steps it’s not a race 

But Father Time tells me I don’t have unlimited years on the clock 

Need to find peace and happiness before my ship comes to dock 

I didn’t ask for my life to be this way 

Praying to God what can I say 

Forgive my sins of gambling and living my life in a trance 

Let me reach out and give me another chance 

Your poems are so good!what a talent

Hope your well and recovery is going okay x

Skipper old shipmate I give you your due

And without reservation agree with Lou Lou 

For your rhyming words tell of a longing for peace

And the wish that your nightmares will finally cease

Eyes firmly focussed with ship homeward bound

Captain has the wheel so let the whistle sound

Best wishes

Aum

Thanks for support Loulou and thanks for the poem Aum, made me smile ( which is quite rare at the moment! )