Day 4 has been a lot harder. A lot of different emotions today, anger, sadness and regret. Urges have been few and far, but when they have occurred they've been the strongest I've experienced. I can't do anything with the urges which is good and I wouldn't have anyway.
Thank god I've got a rock of a girlfriend because right now my mood is up and down all day, everyday! I don't know if I could deal with the things I'm putting her through on a daily basis.
Day 5 I'm hoping will be a lot easier, got a few projects to work on and keep me occupied throughout the day. Earning money, but it will be paid to the missus!
It's quite funny how much I don't need in my life without access to money! Must have saved loads just on energy drinks alone (one of my funnier addictions)!
Ahh today, what can I say about today...
Keeping myself busy, ideas for websites, graphics design with no urges! Probably down to cutting down on smoking and keeping my mind on that rather then anything else. I would of smoked 10-15 by now usually. Works hand in hand with my urges. The more I get the more I want to smoke. If that even makes sense... Rambling now so ill finish this post to my diary lol
Still going, just haven't posted in here 🙂
So I haven't been here since August, nor have I gambled!
The nightmares started again last night though, the stress must be causing it. Woke up to sweat and a real sense of guilt. I really thought I'd messed up my life again because the nightmare felt so real! Not had many real urges to gamble since I stopped but today I felt a real need to gamble when I woke up.
I'm glad that I'm a stronger person then I was in August otherwise I may just ***! It's Christmas Eve though, happily awaiting my step daughter awakening tomorrow and opening her presents. To me that represents how far I've come.
Congratulations itw on keeping clean for so long but I guess it shows that it's just one day at a time eh?
Your post interests me - the contrast of the guilt about the past yet the real hope for the future......albeit the future is tomorrow!! Keep looking forward - you can't influence the past, but you can make tomorrow an amazing day and when you look back on it on Thursday, Friday....next year, you will slowly be replacing the things you beat yourself up for with much more fulfilling and satisfying memories......ones that you can be proud of.
Keep strong - you're an inspiration.
Hope you have a brilliant day tomorrow and that your step daughter gets what she hopes for from Santa!!
Mr Brightside
Thank you Mr Brightside.
I don't think I realised how important it is to take it one day at a time until this morning. The dream felt so close to reality it's mind boggling.
I hope you enjoy your Christmas and wish you a very happy new year!
It just hits you doesn't it. The lies, hiding my phone and my bank statements like I've gambled except I haven't? Or have I?
Recently I got a relevant sum of money in compensation - I did well, handed my bank card over wanted to fund a holiday and driving for myself, fiancée (not so sure now) and family. And then boom... I somehow got hold of this bank card on a daily basis. The out-of-control spending came. TV and other new things.. We needed them I told myself.
And then I started buying things on a iPhone game..£2.99... Buy in app chests which had a chance of luck with it. Then it increased and increased and increased... I knew what I'd done too late. The massive load of guilt hit me like I was a gambler started again... I'd get a buzz if I won something decent on this game (hobbit role playing game, nothing like gambling). £200 on an iPhone game, what is wrong with me?
I'm not sure where this has come from but I think I have an idea. Started seeing an old friend who used to try and stop me gambling my money away, now he's hooked. 'Oh do you remember that buzz because I understand it now', 'I only put a tenner on here and there' and 'could you do it again without getting hooked'. I told him that I do remember the buzz but I wouldn't put my family through that I have too much to lose as compared to this time last year. The buzz was crippling at times I continued so try get yourself out of this mess. Except I think this enabled the hidden dark side in my brain that I tried to bury for the past year.
Right now I'm laid next to my fiancée in bed with the basis that I don't even know whether I have a relationship because of this stupid crippling bull#### that I thought I had recovered from. She's seen my phone, she's seen my statements... She's seen how much I've spent!
It might not be gambling to a lot of people but as of this moment it feels exactly the same way on a game of chance... Without the winning on money... Just losing it on items in a virtual world!
Never put your guard down. I did.
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