lost the plot..

Hey londonbloke...noticed you posted for the 1st time in ages today...can i ask you the reasons as to why you dont feel the need to post yet read every day ?? Whether we are struggling or not its still important to update our own diaries...i for one know there will always be support on these forums..hope your well mate,never give up giving up.....we can do this 😉

Hi Diary

Just got home from work, yet another very busy shift, feel totally worn out but had a good night tip wise so thats a bonus as i'm once again relying on them to see me through till payday.

Done my nut last week, blew the lot, same old, same old, skint 4 days after being paid on the 25th, just the same usual boring story.

But something else also happened at the end of last week..

On the day i was almost out of money (kept withdrawing 250 a day out of the cashpoint) and throwing it away in this arcade near me)

I had 80 odd quid left and i walked out went to the shop got god knows how many beers and a large bottle of Captain Morgan.

Came home sank a good few and at about 11pm i went to West Brompton station 2 mins from me and got on a Train and away i went first to clapham Jun then got onto another from there all the way to Brighton..

Dunno what time we arrived but it seemed to take ages stopped at every possible stop all the way down but eventually got there, just me and my large bag of booze (although that bag was getting lighter all the time as i hardly stopped drinking). The only time i wasn't drinking was when the guard came through and caught me without a ticket, which i then paid for..

Anyway out i got at Brighton didn't know where i was going, or what i was even doing there ain't left london for 20 odd years but i just walked and walked and walked.

Was pouring with rain and blowing a gale but i just did not care..

Dunno how long it took me to get to the seafront, cos thats where i wanted to go but i was pretty much out of it and probably went the wrong way (when i walked back to the station later it only took me half the time so i went wrong somewhere).

Well i reached the front, pitch black, sea crashing in i remember the grand hotel and the lit up pier and i found one of them bus shelter like things that sit all along the coast, so i sat down and just drank and drank all the time still getting soaked with the wind and the rain..

I sat there for ages don't know how long but it was a good while. Just staring out to the blackness of the sea, just listening, just drinking, just thinking..

You know what it was great, it really was..

Later i even walked right down to the beach, right up to the sea and i loved it, spent ages just standing there wind blowing right through me, soaked through to the skin. Then i was back to my little shelter and another drink..

Must of spent 2/3 hours there at least, god the air was good that i won't forget..Just thinking, going over so many things in my head, think i even dozed off for a short time too but the weather soon woke me up..

Anyway after a while it began getting lighter and i started to think what the hell am i doing here and after another smoke and throwing the rest of my drink in the bin i got up and walked back towards the town centre, spoke to a guy delivering newspapers to shops and he gave me directions back to the station.

Had to get a bus from Brighton station to somewhere further up the line, works on the line or something then change back onto the train.

Took ages and ages and i was sobering up and now just wanted to get home.

Finally walked through my front door at 6.54am i know that cos i had left the tv on and the time was displayed. Just collapsed on the bed and went to sleep.

Woke at just gone 1pm felt pretty bad and phoned work said i can't make it in, not feeling well etc and will be in the following day.

Been back to work ever since, have kept the train tickets (both ways) as a reminder of my "night out"...

So whats that all about..??

Was it the gambling?..Was it the drink.. I think it was probaby a bit of both.

Did i want to just end everything ?, no i don't think so..I was never going to do anything like that, i think i just had to escape, get away,forget everything, clear my head and by god did that sea air do that..I've always been 1 to just do things at the drop of a hat and i sure did that night..

I sure picked a strange time to go on my first trip in years but in a crazy and mad kind of way i'm glad i did.

I just went over and over so many things, i had nothing at all to do except just clear my head and thats what i think i did that night..

So what happens now ?...

I'm going to beat this, thats what..

Its never to late to start putting things back in order no matter how bad things have got.

Everything can be worked out and whats done is now done.

No more chasing my gambling losses, no more getting so drunk just to forget all the grief.(not saying i'm not gonna have the odd 1 or 2 now and again thou)

No more missing days at work because of gambling the night before.(missed 3 of them in the past 2 months)

I've had enough, i'm tired from the lot of it.

Yes its not going to be easy, if it was we would all of us be gamblefree tomorrow and the day after and the day after that.

My fight against this started AGAIN 3 days ago and the 5th (today) is day 4

Best wishes to all

Never give up, we will all beat this

Takecare

Ps.. i got to go to bed ,am knackered and working earlier tomorrow as well...

Sorry about the size of the post just something i wanted to get off my chest..

Thanks wp and Brian and others will reply tomorrow after work

Nite all

Londonbloke

I know you read my diary and keep in touch and i know you read my last post.It was great to read your last post ,because it explains what i meant to say in mine lol.

You were one of those people in my mind that i said i had great admiration for,who post after a while having had a slip,but never give in on this battle.Like i said your time will come.I honestly do believe this.I have been on these silly walks before m8.Ok not as far as you went lol.Yeah i believe you are right its just to get away and clear your head.It gives you time to think,and yeah ok the beer did also have a lot to do with it.But isnt it said that the truth comes out in beer .Doesnt beer also exagerrate anything.So maybe you needed to get away and have your thoughts to yourself in a different place with no distractions.Maybe the beer made you go further away than nescessary lol.But hey if nothing else it has given you the strength to start again.Maybe just maybe this is your time m8.Infact no Londonbloke you make this your time.You work too hard m8 to give your money away.I still do everything i done before kid now that im not gambling.I probably drink too much now because i have more time on my hands so i will have a drinking diary soon lol.Ill deal with that when i have to .One vice at a time hey lol.All the best kid.Jeff.

Hi Londonbloke,

What a thought-provoking post you wrote yesterday. And you certainly got everything off your chest. And you obviously really want to stop this.

And YOU CAN!

What it really needs is for you to make all of the right choices yourself. It's only you that can make the right choices and YOU CAN!

You have managed to make the right choices before, you just need to apply yourself again. Just picture yourself standing in the same position in Brighton as you were at you lowest 100 days from now and see how you feel having made it 100 days gamble free.

You definitely have two vices to deal with as it seems that your drinking is a problem. I certainly did see myself drinking more at the start of my recovery journey as like you say having more time to yourself can lead to this. Luckily I am now at a point where I can say that I enjoy a drink or two. You really need to try and curb yourself from buying huge crates of beer and taking advantages of supermarket offers. Limit yourself to having a few cans or a bottle of wine in your house.

Dealing with both vices all at once will be tricky and I am not one to offer advice here as I am really only dealing with one which is gambling. Fruits and FOBTs were my main vices so you could say that I had to deal with two really...!

Your plan of action sounds really good and I presume that you are going to still enjoy the drink or two and not the odd £1 bet or two. If you meant the odd £1 bet or two then I would seriously consider changing that one. Just read another quote on someone else's diary which really rings true:

"One bet away from disaster."

Well done on managing to start another (and hopefully your FINAL!) recovery journey. As you know from previous ones, it will be quite a journey but it WILL be one that you WILL succeed!

I look forward to reading all about you progress in your diary - stay very strong, stay very positive and get busy living!

October (48 days to go)

Hi Londonbloke,

Likewise a very thoughts provoking post.. especially as I was a London dweller myself and have been many times to all the stations and gambling hell holes that you have been to. I could picture the away day you describe very well.

Sometimes a trip to somewhere else and the sea air can help to clarify the way forward even if it was in a drunken haze.

Form what you say I think that you can recover quite quickly in the financial sense in a similar way to Octobers recovery perhaps.

Maybe after a period of time gambling free and when life starts to stabalise, maybe then is the time to get some counselling.. explore and come to terms with any deeper unhappiness you may have. Although ive had my own blips along the way it certainly helped my own recovery to have dealt with, atleast in part, my feelings and trauma from the past. Maybe that is the way forward for you to. I dont know i guess to an extent.

Onwards and upwards Londonbloke.. you can do this! keep safe.. S.A 🙂

A very interesting post LB...as jeff says hopefully this is your time...There are many of us willing you on mate...best wishes we can do this 😉

Hi

I'm shattered, just got in from work, very very busy day even got 3 hours overtime in too so thats a bonus.

Thanks Jeff, October, S.A and wp for your replies, as always its great to get some feedback and support and it just highlights the fact that even though we all sometimes feel very alone trying to deal with this, there are many many people out there who "are/have" been going through exactly the same thing and are also there with sound advice and great support so once again ...Thankyou to all.

Got a couple of days off after Monday so will catch up with a few diaries

Just want to reply to wp from an earlier post..I think i was just still reading the diaries and not posting because i was still actually gambling, almost on a daily basis and writing here every few days how much i've lost and what i'm chasing and how angry i was with myself just didn't seem right, i'd just be repeating myself over and over again so i would just log in and read a bit...That was the main reason ..

Right quick shower then bed for me before i fall asleep at the keyboard.

Day 5 today and its going to be a good day.

Takecare everyone, keep at it

Londonbloke,

5 days today. That is great going. How does 7 days (A FULL WEEK) without gambling sound? You can do it.

Instead of the bookies buying another plasma TV for themselves with your money, do not give them the opportunity... stay out of their shops, do not log on to their websites. Fu'k them !

Good luck,

Brian

Well done on 5 days, now just get through those 2 days when you are off from work.

Read and post on here like mad if you need to!

October (47 days to go)

Hi

Another post in the early hours, i've always been a night owl. 2 days off work now, these are the days when it really hits home, these are the times when i think most about what i've gone and done again.

I guess work takes my mind of it, can just throw meself into work and have other things to think about.

Anyway i know that as the days and weeks past things will get easier

So what am i going to do with myself...

I guess a good tidy up around the place, its well overdue and a bit of shopping, see if i can grab a bargin...exciting stuff.. no not really lol but much better than spending what little money i have left from my tips gambling.

ANYTHINGS BETTER THAN GAMBLING

Thanks Brian and October for your posts

Day 6 today

Takecare everyone

Day 7 today

Had a good few to drink and ain't gambled... and got a few quid in my pocket, so i guess thats some kind of progress.

Having trouble sleeping tonight so u tubing music vids from the past...wish sometimes i could wind back the clock..

but whats done is done..

7 days and counting

Takecare

Yes, what's done is done.

The past is in the past.

Just look FORWARD!

And the future is bright!

Keep up with the great work, one week - well done!

October (45 days to go)

Hi Mr Nightowl, always been a follower of your diary but never posted, non the less have been silently willing you on! The Brighton visit got me thinking and had a similar clear the head escapade a few years back, realised then and understood a little bit about the cycle and yet never put into practice. Like you, drank heaps, worked heaps, beat me self up then went into my real destructive mode with throwing gambling in to the mix! Think we can only go so far and then need that break to regroup!! Probably not making a great deal of sense but what im trying to get round to is next time any complacency starts kicking in, well jump on train bud and head to the sea!!!

Fly with the eagles buddy.........good luck

Hi Diary

Just got home from work, another very busy day but another 1 out the way.

Still feel like i'm working for nothing because of my mountain of debt.

But on the way home each day i feel just that little bit happier because that days pay has paid a little something back of what i owe.

Going to take a long long time but i get closer to my goal after each shift and that makes me feel good.

Work again tomorrow, doing a 7 day shift at the mo, Thurs/fri my next 2 days off might try grab some overtime as well if its going, that will fill my time and help even more will see how knackered i am after Wednesday. Probably be none going if i'm up for it, thats usually how it goes...when i'm too tired to do it theres plenty going, yet if i want to do some theres none... But hey thats life..

Thanks November and pauls for your support.

Yep pauls that trip i took that night sure opened my eyes. I don't know why, just hit something, can't really explain it, maybe as i sat there and looked back at where i was and what i had become it really hit home..Bloody crazy really, going down there at that time, sitting in the middle of the night with that wind and the rain. But i really am glad i went...

Would be something to go down again when i have everything cleared up wouldn't it....2 completely different scenarios..But who knows as you said if it helps at any certain point i now know where it is...lol

Right i'm rambling on now 11 days today (sun)

Think i'm gonna have an early night (blimey i'm becoming a normal person, albeit very slowly. lol )

God its good to just laugh, really is

Takecare all, keep fighting this...

An early night for you ?? Yes posting at 0121 in morning lol....well done on your 11 days...your last post was full of positives...im like you its gonnae take years but everyday bet free pays a little towards it...keep going mate onwards and upwards we can do this 😉