lost the plot..

This pay day thing can be really stressful at times can't it! I was really sad to see a huge amount of people in bookies as I walked past them a few times this weekend.

And all of the FOBTs seemed to be full. Knowing how greedy bookies are, I bet that they reduce the odds towards the end of the month so that they are covered for the next month before the next pay day.

What a sad situation we are in as a country.

But what is really important is that there is a group of people so determined not to line the pockets of those greedy people.

And this includes you!

Have a gamble-free day.

Getting there

Hai LB, Sure is good in reading your new gutso approach to beating this....Not a sad life att ALL, unwinding from work with a bottle sure beats the beating our selves hangover from yet another gambling binge...... Think we really need to go through the emotion of really hating gambling to travel the cycle and become the people we know we are, start liking ourselves again.... Bills are a bixch but a real part of life but remember work to live and reward yourself!!!!

Thanks for the posting on my diary and heres part of it for you to remember.........

'Anythings got to be better than throwing everything we work b***** hard for away..

No more of this, you keep up the good work my friend, you get your life back as i too am now more determined than ever before to get mine back as well.'

Stay strong pal and we're going to crxck tjis together..........onwards

Hi LB you are doing great, keep up the good fight , things get easier after a while and busy is good to keep your mind off gambling

Teresa

Well done Lb.. keep working at it.. S.A 🙂

Hi Londonbloke.

Great last post mate. I hope you enjoy a stress free month with all your bills paid.

Stay strong mate.

Curly.

thank you every one..

it ain't gone as planned..

wages gone..

50 quid left..i'm off to brighton...

P***** aas a f**t sorry excusethe language.

lied to you all..

i was always still gambling online with my card..

sorry ..don't know whay i couldn't just be honest but i lied to you all..rent ain't been paid was lready 11 weeks behind withouttis month.

spkoe to =sandra at netline ..i need some serious help..i think..cos i'm thinking crazy things..

off to brightron in 40 odd mins ..why i don't know but i've got the fare plus 20 for a bottle..lets just see how things go

ranmg a friend up ..she thinks i ain't got the bottle..

lets test her...we can do whatever we want when we put our minds to it..

3.14am i'm defeated...

tried and bloody failed ...loser

last post from me...

Yo LB, you've got plenty bottle bud, you just need to recognise it......... hang around, we'll defeat this.....

Enjoy Brighton, get your spring back, get back up and lets go AGAIN bud...........onwards

LB yes you need SERIOUS help mate....theres a couple of high profile diaries on here been offered rehab treatment courtesy of gamcare...if its good enough for them mate its good enough for you...please dont do anything harmful...your not alone im ponderin whether to afford a haircut this month..its carp at times mate,really is but we gotta fight.,we ONLY got ourselves into this mess and only WE can get ourselves out of it....now get in touch wi gamcare !!!

Thoughts are with you Lb.

Get yourself into rehab.. its a fresh start.

Don't do anything daft.. your Ok

Look after yourself

S.A

Yo LB,

Ok here goes to 1 of my usual riddles, pretty shixty quality control between brain and getting words out, but hai ho can only try............

Your diary was 1 of the 1st i read and followed from early July, silently willing you on, relating the similar traits to me and an admiration in your falls and battling back up!!!

Parachuted into you're diary after reading about you're last Brighton trip, had and still have that you're on the threshold of cracking this shxte and you were finally joining the dots!!!!! The dots were making sense untill i read your last but 1 posting after ur payday, sensed then a similar cycle to myself.........

This is pretty much my cycle............

1. Work every day, hour i can get my hands on...

2. Continue with the work front, but hit the bottle...

3. Still continue on the work, realise hitting the bottle to much, hence smoke the wacky bac.........

4. Still working, wacky now affecting work, so now hitting both! and now on the gambling devastation....

5. Now completely fooooked, pixsed of and back to stage 1..........

6. Now hit for 6, low as poss and wondering whats the point in fooooooking working! as only going to start same typhoon cycle again....

Really gone round the houses in trying to explain this, but realised couple years back when i had my 'brighton' trip, that i can only go on work crusade for so long. Need to live, ie feel the urge and get away from environment. Feel i've got 3 month clock, then get the f****k out, even if only for a few days......... recharge, refresh. Cant be done with to much work and to much drinking P***, need to clear the head and pull cotton wool out of ear holes!

Truely understand that we need to pay our debts, but debts will never go on a empty tank.....

Now's time LB, dust you're self down, head down a**e up. Work, work but use 'brighton' [anywhere] as a reward. Theres no quick fix bud, balance debts with Living..... Do the online counselling......... look after YOU, sleep, eat well...... you can and will crxak this bud, believe.............

Only best intentions here and hope some modum of sense...........

Onwards we MARCH together....Stick round........

Londonbloke,

I'm sure you're still reading this forum but not posting...

Fair play to you for your most recent post. Not an easy one and a little alcohol induced perhaps. No need to be apologetic on this forum. We are all the same. There is not a single person on this forum that can throw a stone or make any accusations. We've all done terrible things to ourselves and others. So, in the light of that, you only seem to be harming yourself and I suppose have somewhat of a moral ground here. 🙂

Pauls wrote a very good mail there. Come back to the fold.... open up to yourself. There are people on this forum who understand exactly where you are mentally right now, and can help you. Some people also mentioned rehab and I'm guessing some face to face work on the gambling/alcohol might not be too bad a thing either. The anonomyity of the internet is often not ideal.

Good luck,

Brian

Hi mate,

Please come back and post. We are missing you. We are all in the same position as you and can fully understand your latest worries. You will have our support once you come back even if you ramble away with recent events.

Hope all is well and looking forward to hearing from you.

GT

Walked back through the door a few hours or so ago, completely soaked right through to the bone, my jeans, shirt, socks, clothes drenched just clinging to my body..

Eastbourne was where i ended up the train i was on divided at Haywards Heath and i was in the wrong part, i didn't go till Thursday night left here at about 10pm and got there around midnight i think.

So where did i go..to the seafront and just walked and walked all the time in a complete daze. Got stopped by the police and asked if i was ok.. Told them i was just clearing my head, i was drinking from my bag think thats why i got pulled..But after a few checks they let me off on my way.

Well guess where i ended up..Yep beachy head..am covered in scratches especially my hands and a few on my face from wading through bushes and all sorts, jesus they have some *** there, its up and down up and down why i didn't just follow the paths god knows, but it was very dark, the drink played a part too i guess.

Well i found the edge and just followed it till i got to this famous lighthouse and i stood there for like i don't know how long.. never seen anything like it the moon out the sea crashing in way down below. Beautiful..

1 step thats all that was needed and no more worries..right on the very edge i was drink still in my hand, very strong wind thou sobering me up no end..

After a while there i turned and walked away..not the way i had come, another route found a road and just followed it until i found a carpark with a phone there. I tried to make a call, cheaper than using my mobile,i don't use mine a lot but it said emergency numbers only so i called bt and had a right go at them about it..(poor person onthe other end of the line..) Anyway used my mobile and i called The samaritans number, cos it was all over the phone box

I talked for a while then said about the payphone not working and then gave them the number of it..Then talked some more,it was nice to just talk.( Fantastic people)..

Then i said good bye was going home, this was madness, thanked them for their time..I then sat on the bench just outside the phonebox and opened another can and rolled a smoke..and the phonebox rang so i picked it up and it went dead. This is all the early hours of Friday morning.

About 5 mins later a police car came straight to where i was sitting. (2nd pull in a few hours) i see the car lights coming from a long way away, pitch black no lights at all except for the 1 in the phonebox..

Was a different man, really nice guy..We had a chat and i told him i was off to get a train i had sorted my head out, and he said he can't leave me there so he dropped me off back into Eastbourne by the station. It ain't that far at all..

Anyway no trains till after 5ish they said and i had 50 odd mins to kill so i walked back to the front, found a shelter near the pier and had another can then fell asleep. Probably that walk i done ealier..

Woke up today (Friday) 11am chucking it down it was, really pouring and i was soaked through..

Why did it take me all this time to get home?

Didn't have enough money for the fare back did i, had less than 6 quid in my pocket, needed 13.90, nothing at all in the bank and only got a single ticket down there...so i got 6 cans instead (didn't know what else to do) and just walked around in the rain just killing time all the while thinking after the evening rush hour there will be no-one on the barriers at the station so i can get through and onto something. Must of been back to that bloody station 7 or 8 times i know Eastbourne now like the back of my hand...Wish i hadn't of fallen asleep i might of got on the 1st 1 or 2 trains if no station staff were about..

Anyway finally got home, drenched as i said, to a letter from the council about my rent arrears , 7 calls from work on the answerphone cos i missed 2 days without even contacting them..

So i could well lose my job now, although i did call someone from work (not the bosses) but a union guy who is gonna make some calls tomorrow and then get back to me...Would of rung them myself tonight but it was too late when i got in..They had long gone home..

Of course i'm now really c****** it cos if i lose that i've really had it..

Bloody f******* Idiot i am and im a nervous wreak with worry..

But signed in here and read some replies to my last post and got a huge lift so THANKYOU TO ALL for taking the time..

So what now...who knows, will have a better picture of it all tomorrow..

Need some sleep cos i'm shattered, gonna wake up feeling very bad tomorrow me thinks, my body feels like its been through a boxing match with Tyson (both physically and mentally)..i really ache, be worst tomorrow..Anyway Lets just hope i get some good news .

Sorry to go on and on..

Takecare all and keep your guards up at all times...cos i let mine slip...Again!!!

But as Arnie would say "i'll be back"

Think i'm with him on that one too..it begins again..

nite..

Hey LB

Have always followed your diary from the beginning and if I’m honest I always read your diary because we have gambling, drink, work and self destruction in common. You were my inspiration in starting a diary. Just wanted to drop you a quick note to say good luck with work and I hope it all works out, what’s the company like that you work for? Can they offer any help? You might be supprised. I also think you should visit your GP to see what’s on offer. There is a future for you LB and only YOU can shape it BUT you can get help doing this, start being proactive.

CHANGE IS GOOD

Hope the work situation turns out ok.

Morning londonbloke.

I found your last post heatbreaking. My thoughts are with you at this difficult time. Thank God you walked away from the edge. Do not let gambling ruin your precious life.

I don't know anything about GAMCARE funding rehab but i know the staff are very supportive of us all and i believe that if rehab is available then you should be offered it.

Get in touch with the staff and ask the question.

It's never too late to turn things around mate. What is gone is gone but tomorrow is another day.

Take care pal.

Curly.