lost the plot..

Hello anyone reading this.

Firstly just want to say a big thank-you to...

S.A, (mydiary) Brian, Getting there, Defeated, Curly10, (ex gambler) jeff, Mickey D, NHS, wp, and Smokey....thanks so much everyone for your support over this past couple of weeks..

Now here goes...

The Good...

Well i'm back at work just done 4 days, now got the next 3 off and am back in again on Tuesday...so at least i kept my job and i'm back earning again.

Also managed to get a £400 loan from work which they will take back over the next 2 months straight out of my payslip..( Was only granted that because i spilled my guts out when i had to go in and explain why i had missed work when i went on my little trip), just told them i have a serious gambling problem and i could well end up being evicted as i'm so far behind with the rent..(Tried to get a loan off them many times before this, but was always turned down)...Anyway i got it this time and the money cleared my bank account yesterday..

Now the bad...

I took £300 quid of it out the bank at 11pm last night with the intention of taking out the other £100 after midnight so having the £400 in my pocket ready for tomorrow and straight down the post office to at least pay something off what i owe them...(i'm into them for a lot more than 400, but at least its something ain't it)...

Anyway i'm not gonna go on and on...

IN A NUTSHELL ...I'VE BLOODY GAMBLED IT, lost the whole 400 in 1 and a half hours on the bloody £500 slots..

Had the whole lot in my pocket when i came in from work..Had a wash, stuck some washing in then sat down and had a smoke, then thought why not go and get yourself 6 cans...Go on treat yourself..You deserve it, after all you are now sorting things out...(Ain't had a drink since Fri 1st Oct as well)

So off i went and yep straight after coming out the off licence i went straight into this b***** arcade ..WHY?..

I'm seriously not right in the head. f****** HELL....why have i done this AGAIN?..

I had it all worked out, mapped out in my head.. this would buy me some time, now i've gone and blown it ...

WHY???... Why do i keep doing this to myself??? i work bloody hard for my money, i put myself through all this cr** and for what?

NOTHING....

I've had a very stressful 4 days back at work, but on each day i've put a brave face on all the problems ahead and have just kept thinking all the time to myself " you are slowly getting your life back together, one day at a time" ...WHO AM I KIDDING...

So now what??..

I really don't know, i mean how many last chances does someone get?

When i go back to work on Tuesday i'm surely going to be asked have i sorted out the rent and got them off my back for a while (if i bump into the manager)....So got to tell even more lies now..

I just can't stop myself, Got no-one really close anymore that i can hand my money over too (because of my gambling i might add)..

Its out of control, i'm out of control..

I guess at least i can't gamble anymore because i'm potless apart from about 3 quid in small change from some tips i made....I've got nothing to sell because i sold it all a long time ago..I'm surprised my internet ain't been cut off because i'm into them for god knows how much..

I'm letting myself down here big time...and i'm letting down all you people that have been kind enough to offer your time supporting me..

All this is eating away at me..

Today (Sat) i won't gamble, because i have nothing left to gamble..Today i won't be doing much at all except going over and over things in my head making everything a whole lot worse as you do when you think more and more about the position you have now put yourself in.... Its all stress and i just don't need it.. I really don't..

Day 1 again...

why why why why why...

Off to U tube, need a song to try and just forget.. Tomorrows another day and the one after that is another day too..

Life goes on..

I WILL BEAT THIS... I WILLLLL

Nowthen London Bloke,

You will always have support here don’t worry about letting us down, DO SOMETHING about letting yourself down, as you have said “how many last chances does someone get?”

First of all your back, you understand you have a problem and you are honest about it, it’s a start. I also appreciate your situation, with little support around you; it must be very hard.............BUT NOT IMPOSSIBLE.

YOU HAVE TO DO THIS FOR YOURSELF

You need blocks in place, self exclude from the arcade you gambled in (any reason you were not excluded?).

Reduce your access to money, you haven’t got anyone who can take control of your finances so it could be an idea to reduce your daily withdrawal to say £50? Why not try GA again; it’s got to be worth a shot, do you think you will benefit from face to face contact with people who share a gambling problem?

Have you thought about going to a doctor, no offence intended but your going through such alot of problems it might be worth sharing these with your doctor there won’t be a miracle cure but there might be something? Have you looked into the counselling that Gamcare offers?

Whatever you decide to do please look after yourself.

YOU WILL BEAT THIS

Keep The Faith.

Hi Londonbloke,

Like Defeated said, you will have our full support and understanding on here as we have all been through what you are going through at the moment in one form or other.

First of all, I'd like to say well done for being very honest about what has happened and that you have been able to share this with us. This evil disease really does get to you doesn't it? You are obviously very angry with yourself for going back to those dreaded slots this week and wasting more money. But this also means that you are incredibly desperate to stop.

And stop, you can. But what you really need to do is to do something to help you stop. It was a mistake to have that much money on you - I never have a lot of money on me as I really cannot trust myself with this, even many months since my last bet.

Choices are there for you to make and you really need to make more right ones. You have made some good choices in the last couple of weeks such as going back to work and coming home from Brighton. But you really need to make some more life changing decisions like never ever to carry money around you - only enough to buy what you need. You really cannot trust yourself at the moment, can't you?

Self exclusion must be done now too. Within the last few weeks, I self excluded myself from all of the other bookies where I live as I know that those evil gambling thoughts will return when I have money to spend. You really need to this for every gambling haunt that you have near you. How about today?

Just my thoughts, hope they help. Look after yourself and start making some decisions today.

Getting There

Morning

Thanks for your replies.

I know that i need to do more to help myself stop this madness. I guess i'm at the stage now where i can't handle my money any more.

I had self excluded myself before from that arcade a long time ago, different staff in there from the days i used to gamble in that place, so no-one stopped me, but my own fault, i know that. Just had another urge to want to gamble and so off i went

Anyway had a few hours sleep and whats done is now done. In a strange kind of way i'm glad i'm skint really. 16 days till i next get paid and i'll have to get the bank to set up direct debits or something so this ends.

To be honest its not about the money any longer because while i was feeding this machine note after note last night, it just did not seem to bother me, i think deep down i knew i was going to lose the lot and maybe just couldn't wait until i had..

Its only when you walk away with nothing the reality of it begins to sink in..

Anyway not sure what i'm going to do now about the rent.. But something will turn up.

Am going to write an e-mail to my housing officer tell them the truth after all my work now know so whats the point in hiding it from the council.. I might as well give it a try got nothing to lose have i..

Right onwards and upwards, a few other things i need to do today so gonna keep myself busy and take my mind off it all.

Have a great weekend

It did not bother you about feeding that machine note after note because you were being hypnotised by it.

Gambling hypnotises all and turns us from people with lovely personalities into something we really don't want to be.

Sleep really does make you re-think things doesn't it? Hope you have a really positive day today and keep in touch mate.

Getting There

Good luck with the weekend you can do this we all can. GT is so right fruit machines do hypnotise and we do forget who we are but by coming here and admitting you have this problem it can be fixed and you will get stronger (I have)

Jules

Hi Londonbloke,

Im with you all the way on spending money until you lose it. In the end it made me happy so I couldnt waste any of my sorry gambling life on gambling.

In terms of your story, you do the hard bit in admitting you have a problem but do not put any safety nets in place to help you.

You have told your employers and tbh i think u should approach them with help re your finances. Get them to transfer the wages you need to cover bills and rent, then get a senior person to give you cash weekly for living expenses using the remainder of your salary, it would be a great start and you have to do something.

Maybe ask them to do salary sacrafice for the remainder, it will save them National Insurance and it would be in their interest to help you.

You have to cut your supply line LB, that will improve your choices 100% as it limits the damage u can do.

You must stop the bleeding from the source and money is your wound.

You can do this my friend I know you can but at the moment you just need us all to hold your hand and get you through it as its soooooo difficult sometimes.

Come Londonbloke you can do it.

COME ON!

Smokes

Hi

Well the weekends over, i'm off today as well but if i'm honest can't wait till Tuesday to get back to work, wish there was some overtime going but sadly there ain't..

Sorted out a few things yesterday, also sent an e-mail to my housing officer about my rent arrears, basically just asked for a bit more time to try and get my payments back up to date. Think i'll pop in sometime tomorrow in person see if i can speak to her directly..

Well i've also had plenty of time to fill these past couple of days and i've been thinking back to where i was just over a week or so ago..

Got on a train in a depressed and drunken state after again blowing another months wages in a few hours. Just wanted to get away, escape from it all, forget, ended up on the southcoast standing on a cliff edge with a can of lager in my hand just 1 step away from ending all of this..

B***** Hell, what the hell was i thinking?..

I guess lots of us have had similar thoughts at some time or another..I've read many, many stories both on this site and others of other people in a worse position..Yet there i was..

This addiction chews you up, destroys everything and then spits you out, leaves you with nothing.

That night i really "lost the plot"..

That person is just not me at all..Gambling and a good few drinks turned me into that person that night..

Its only now without both of them that i can clearly see the person that i have become..And i don't like what i see at all..

Its time to forget all this b******* and move on for good ..Once and for all..

Yep i've said things like this before, then a few days or weeks later when its all worn off and is just another distant memory i've come back and blown everything once again.

Half my problem is i haven't been able to let go of my losses, i've always believed i would get something back and have chased and chased until i have blown everything again..Its just been one vicious circle..

WELL NO LONGER.. THIS HAS TO END..

And it did 2 days ago..

Over this next few days i'm going to put other solid blocks in place to help with my recovery. I will admit i don't think i've been fully commited to beating this. Its about time i gave it 100% and stopped tiptoeing in between. There are many things i should of done a long time ago, some of which i have already said on this diary that i had done when i hadn't.

I know what i need to do, and its about bloody time i started doing it...

I have had £2.96 in small change left in the world..

Today i went into a supermarket just before they closed and got 2 loafs of bread and a bag of spuds for 86p (all marked down of course)..

I felt on top of the world walking home with them..On top of the world..

Bloody madness..really is.

Well it ends now ..you just watch this space

ODAAT...If i can live like that when i have no money, then i can live like that with money and begin to pay off my debts..

Thanks GT, jules28 and smokey33 for your advice and support

Takecare everyone, keep strong, keep fighting..

Hi mate,

Sorry to read you've been having an awfully tough time recently. once the hooks are in its very difficult to get them out again. Work is certainly going to be a boon for me, it looks like it'll be the same for you.

Getting the blocks in place is definitely the way to go, ut making sure they stay in place was my downfall. I don't have a debit card any more so I can't use it to gamble online, ut a few months ago I got a replacement credit card through as the old one expired, and I just put it in my desk, rather than cutting it up straight away which I should have done.

Once you've got the right habits in place, it's not too difficult to keep going in the same way, it was just the holiday from work came around and got me.

Game face on, and we can beat this thing.

Ryan

Hi Lb,

Thats the spirit onwards and upwards. A few random thoughts just to add to the mix. Your doctor can sign you off work if needs be. Am off to see mine tomorrow. It cant do any harm. Also I know this is maybe not the pc thing to suggest but if you have loads of debt especially high sttreet bank debt then you could simply stop paying them, cancel all the dd's and with the money saved that would pay for your bankruptcy.. its just a thought!?? National debtline suggested that to me years ago

Also free residential treatment for gambling addiction is always an option. The phone number is 01384 241292 I see that you can also download the forms direct from gamblingtherapy.org Cant do any harm to apply. Beachy head is simply NOT an option.

Thanks for your support.. unsettling times for me at the moment.. whoever said life was easy. Keep safe.. S.A

Hiya mate,

Enjoyed reading your last post as you sounded a bit more positive compared to where you were a month ago. You now seem far, far more determined to change your life for the better.

And you WILL!

You still have a very long way to go but you seem to be getting things moving along including some that you should have done a long time ago. What really matters is that you are now back on the right track and you are doing all of the necessary things now.

It is not sad that you have to buy cheap food nearly out of date. I still do it and have just bought a £2.09 sandwich reduced to 29p for my lunch tomorrow. Far better than having that sandwich thrown away after closing time. You will, like all of us here, start to respect the value of money and life in general very highly having been through some very low times.

Keep the faith, mate, you are doing really well now. One day at a time and hope things go well when you go back to work tomorrow. Don't overwork yourself though!

Getting There

Hi Londonbloke,

Many thanks for posting on my diary mate. I appreciate you taking the time to post your kind words and encouragement.

I like the determination in your posts mate. Do not be afraid of this demon. It is very evil and conniving but read some of the posts on here and you will find that we can beat this. The secret is "One day at a time". Stick to this mate and you will be chalking up the days before you know it.

Also mate - there are so many amazing people on here all rooting for you and wishing you all the best in your recovery.

Take care mate, keep posting on here and together we will beat this!

Micky D

Hi

Well another day over with, back to work tomorrow.

Thanks everyone for your support, and thanks S.A for them details.

I'm gonna stick with how i'm dealing with things at the moment, but its nice to know there are other options available if i start to really struggle..so thanks mate.

Saw my housing officer yesterday and after explaining my situation to her in person, i'm pleased to say that i have a little breathing space, have agreed to pay 2 weeks off my arrears each month plus of course the 4 weeks rent for that month. Its gonna be tight what with all the other things i have to pay out, but i'm pleased with the outcome.. The sooner i clear it up the better, then i can move on to the many others waiting in the wings..

Glad to be going back to work tomorrow if only just to get me out and about and to give me something else to think about. But as each day passes i heal a little..

Right i'm feeling tired ,am off to get some sleep.

Keep Strong Everyone

Takecare

London bloke...as smokey says you have to cut off the supply and get safety nets in place....have you self excluded AGAIN ??? You say your ok for now and just seem to have brushed aside s.a excellent suggestions....as others have noticed its great you have some positivity in your postings but ive read it all before mate....your ok now cause like me you havent got pot to pi ss in....you simply like me cant handle money,what you gonnae do next payday ??? get out there and talk to your bank make it as diffcult as possible mate....this may seem harsh mate but we re ALL willing you on and worried about you...YOU CAN DO IT MATE 🙂

Morning

Thanks wp for your comments, i take on board all that you say, as i do "anyone "who offers any advice in my fight against this.

Yes there are other barriers that i need to put up including speaking to my bank, so direct debits come straight out as soon as my wages go in, hope to get a limit put on my cashcard too on how much i can withdraw each day, self excluding needs to be done (again) from places very close to me..And i'm going to have a chat with the Union rep at work about trying to get them to help with managing the money that is given to me on a weekly basis for basic living costs, so i can't get my hands on any more than i really need...(Maybe even handing over my card to them if they would agree to doing that, have to see what they say).. Yep theres still plenty more for me to do and i'm looking into putting these added blocks into place. Will have a chat with my Union Rep at work today..

I know my last 6 months on here have been a right roller coaster ride, good for a while then come payday i've screwed it all up big time again. But i'm more determined than ever this time, I REALLY AM..I just cannot DO this any more, i've been to the brink and now i have another chance..

S.A and Smokey33 gave me some other options and for that i am very grateful..At this moment i just need to knuckle down, work ,work, work and build up some consistency, yes i know, all just words at present but its a start and something for me to build on.

Now its up to me to turn these words into actions..

Thanks for the kick up the a**** sometimes thats just what is needed..

Takecare mate

Onwards and upwards..