lost the plot..

Hi

Thanks Curly, S.A and wp for your support.

Today is exactly a year since i started my recovery diary. Its not been a good year on the gambling front for me, i've had plenty of slip ups and relapses along the way and i'm not at the place i was hoping to be due to me not putting "solid" blocks in place to help me control and overcome my problem...

To put it bluntly i "failed" over this past year..

I've learnt a lot from reading other peoples daily battles against this and have received some great advice and tips which i have now finally put into practice..(should of done them straight away)..But hey we live and learn don't we, even if it takes a bit longer for some people than others..

So i move on to the start of another year on these forums and i'm pleased to say i'm at a much better place now than i have been for a long, long time..

Thanks to "EVERYONE" who has posted on my diary over this past year..

Takecare, keep strong, and above all..Never give up...

ODAAT

Yes, never, ever give up. We will and CAN beat this terrible addiction!

And this will lead us all to a far better and far more comfortable life!

Have a great gambling-free week,

Getting There

Hope things are going ok for you Londonbloke. As you'll see from my diary I've had a slip this pst week, but I take inspiration from you in that if you can claw yourself back from the difficulties you've faced, I've no excuse not to win my battle.

Simon

Hi Diary

Well here we go again, another moment of madness and another relapse..

I had a gamble Thursday on a fruit machine in a pub. All i've been doing lately is work, work and more bloody work and i'm sick of it all to be honest..So when a mate i ain't seen or heard of for ages rang we agreed to meet in a pub...Well after a decent chat and a good catch up he started playing one of the fruit machines, hes always been a gambler in fact i met him gambling, thats how we became mates..Well i couldn't resist watching him and before i knew it we were both chucking in pound coins left right and centre, trying to get this bonus feature..

Sure enough we never got it, and we both left skint..

i'm relieved now that i had spent all of my last months wages paying my bills and didn't have access to any more money, cos i'm quite sure it would of been a cashpoint visit moment if i had..

What i lost was about 60 quid from the tips i made at work which have been keeping me afloat till payday comes round again..

I'm gutted now, i really am, not about the 60 quid, couldn't give a monkeys about that, i'm now so used to having nothing and i've got some food and bits and pieces in.

Its the 27 days of recovery that i have blown, thats whats really annoyed me.

Bloody idiot..

But i needed to get out, works stressfull as hell and i needed to let off steam cos these past 4 weeks all i've done is work/eat/sleep and little else..I told my mate about me quitting the gambling earlier and he was very supportive, but me watching that machine well i was in "that" other place all over again and rather than me lending him my money when his ran out i myself wanted to play it..After all i could get a few extra quid here..

YEAH...YEAH..same old story..

So yesterday was day 1 again..Whats done is done, all i can do is reset my mind and start all over..

Back at work later today, am working a 7 day shift but am going to look into booking a few days off after this 7 day week, just to give me a break from it all. I have 12 days annual leave still to use up so i'll see if its possible to take a "time out"..

Not blaming work for what i have done, but think a week away from work will do me the world of good..

Right thats it all off my chest..

My fight began again yesterday..

I will beat this..one day i'll look back at this diary and say.." I DID BEAT IT"

Takecare all and have a great weekend

let off steam cause 4 weeks of work eat sleep ???? tame excuse "blokey" ive been same for nearly 11 months now on bones of a r se but i can see financial lights albeit vaguely at end of dark tunnel and never thought id be able to say that....come on mate wheres your fight ?? wheres your barriers ?? tell your mate your problem next time maybes..tell him about your trips to the beach that touched so many of us.... its no shame ?? i among many others are genuinly concerned for you mate..never give up giving up though so get yourself dusted doon again and odaat you will get there of that im sure....your too nice a guy not too...YOU CAN DO THIS MATE !!!

Thanks for posting on my diary LB, I know you can beat this. Its good news that you paid your bills before your slip. Hold on to this positive thought.

Have a good weekend

Simon

Now then LB,

Just wanted to give you a bit of encouragement after your slip.

YOU have to make sure that this doesn’t happen again, you have made progress over 27 days, your posts were becoming more positive, the light may have been dim at the end of the tunnel but it still was there. As you stated if money was in your bank you would have been there withdrawing it, how would you feel now if you would have lost £600 or it caused you to go on a bender that cost £6000.

The decisions that you make now may mean the difference between a future or no future, i am looking at my life now as a last chance saloon and the decisions i make are treated with the same importance and respect.

I too have been working 6/7 days a week for virtually the best part of a year cramming as many overtime hours in as possible, and like yourself i get very depressed when my money runs out in week 2 of the month, but i am using this as further motivation not to gamble.

WE DONT WANT TO DO THIS FOREVER.

Use this slip as motivation, we can do this man.

Keep The Faith.

Hi Lb... must admit it doesnt surprise me that you have had a gamble. When I was in a fairly similar situation to you when i lived in London I rarely went more than 2 weeks without gambling.. so 27 days is a good acheivement and something to build upon.

You know yourself it is more than just "will power" and "staying strong". Its about lifestyle change. In a way you set yourself up for a fall in going for a drink with a gambling accquaintence.. is he really a mate??.. gambling right in front of you.

But I do appreciate why you went. If life is all work work work and debt repayment especially when there are not children involved or a partner to really help focus ones mind day to day... then the gambling monster within is gonna keep calling and calling strongly. Come and take some time out and have fun it will say

Find yourself another outlet, something more than going to the pub. You like to cycle.. why not join a cycling club?? Sorry i don't mean to sound like patronizing git as am sure you instintively know all this. But I strongly believe that as recovering gamblers we need to find several outlets in life .. we need more than work, sleep, eat.

For me I have a different problem at the moment.. I run, sleep, eat but don't work and thats why things are fairly tough for me at the moment. Ive got too much time to pass and thats why I am writing daily in my diary and taking all those sensible measures like only taking out what money i really need. Indeed if you onbly had enough money for your beer that night you wouldnt have been able to gamble.

27 days of not gambling was a good acheivement.. onwards and upwards.. keep posting! .. S.A 🙂

Londonbloke,

I like the spirit of your latest mail. The analytical view of what happened rather than the total despair and the escalation into an all out gambling binge.

SA is right about making changes. I guess it was a real test of your metal. You can't avoid pubs for the rest of your life and you will be presented by opportunities to gamble regularly in the future. In the short term, it might be an idea to avoid these situations until your defences are strengthened.

For me, its about being conscious about what having that gamble would mean. In the past I would just seem to go on autopilot and 'wake up' in the throws of a binge. Stopping myself and thinking about it is a really tough thing to do. I mean a proper think about it.... in the past my brief pauses would result in "to hell with the lot of it, i've a pain in the ar se with this recovery cr ap". I'm trying to follow it though a little more when the urges hit.

Keep up the work LB and you are doing very well.

Brian

Hi LB.

Sorry to hear about you being unable to resist that fruit machine.

We all know by now that we cannot win on those things mate so why bother? Next time your mate is putting a few pound in you shouldn't be afraid to tell him that he is simply wasting his money and you will not therefore be joining him. What would you have done if you had dropped the jackpot? What would that have led to?

We cannot win because we cannot stop.

On the plus side you had shown to yourself that you can do this. 27 days is excellent. Sometimes a small lapse does no harm if it serves as a timely reminder as to the dangers that await if returning to gambling.

Come on LB. You can do this!

Hi LB,

You managed for 27 days and you will manage for a lot more than 27 days this time!

There is a real difference in your last relapse to the ones that you had before. You seem to be really beginning to realise that gambling does NOT pay off in the long term.

Like Curly said, you really could help your mate by telling him that they are a total waste of money. Link that with your past experiences if you are brave enough and sure enough, your mate will be forever grateful to have avoided a life of misery. Failing that, please try and stick to mates who do not gamble. We are all in a fragile early start in the recovery journey and any possible attractions are best avoided.

Yes, you CAN do this and you WILL!

Getting There

Hello diary

Just got in from work, another 8 hours of madness am pleased to have got today out the way..(made 8 quid tips though which was a bonus)..

Thanks everyone for your replys and support after yet another relapse..

Looking back at things now, i should of been more in control of things on that visit to that pub..I think though once i started on that machine even if i had only £20 on me and i lost that i would of only returned home to get the rest and blew the lot as its only 5 mins from home..Had also had a good few to drink, not an excuse but that played a part too i reckon..

If i don't start...i can't chase, my lesson for today.

Anyway whats done is done, after each mistake made i do learn something from it so its not all doom and gloom..

Just want to also say that almost all my really close friends gamble in some way or another, some of them very heavy indeed, these are people i've known 10-20 years so its difficult ..think i've said before on my diary.."do i cut out my friends to help my recovery" ..I don't have too many close friends as it is, lost touch with many many people over these past couple of years as the gambling took hold, of course i regret it all now but at that time i was lost in the gambling, nothing else came before the gambling..nothing..

Am still getting the tube to and from work, bikes still off the road, hate it if i'm honest, just love the freedom of cycling, i lose myself and it relaxes me, should of looked into getting another wheel for it with that money i lost ..b******* idiot.

Made some enquiries today about taking a few holiday days off work after this 7 day shift as i have quite a few days to still use up. Its looking good but i won't find out for sure if its possible till monday when all the admin staff are back at work but fingers crossed..Am working all over christmas this year so a break just before it all would be nice...

So today (Sunday) i begin day 3 of another chapter in my recovery, am tired of gambling, so very tired of it all...hate it , and that can't be a bad thing ..

Today is going to be a good day...

Just for today i will not gamble..

ODAAT

Takecare everyone and keep strong

You really seem to be missing that bike so why not set yourself a real achievable target now. Save every penny that you can for that wheel. It can be done and you'll be off on your bike again.

Glad to see that you are reflecting on past events with plenty of maturity but try and not dwell on it too much. As we all keep on saying, the past is in the past - the future is what really matters.

Starting with that wheel!

Getting There

You seem to be doing well now LB, keep it up! Have a good rest on your days off but save your money for bills or your bike wheel. Even a few beers is better than throwing it away at the arcades.

Keep strong, you have a lot of support on here.

Simon

Hello Diary

Just got home from work, its freezing out tonight, well it is here anyway..Very cold wind blowing...

Well another gamblefree day has passed, they soon begin adding up again don't they.

Got a few quid in my pocket as well from tips made which is always a bonus.

Had some good news from admin at work, theres no problem with me taking some time off so only got to work till this Friday then i have the weekend and all next week off. I always seem to get to the end of the year with 2 or more weeks annual leave to use, am gonna carry through the other week to 2011, they let you carry 5 days over..

Anyway am looking forward to the break. Will catch up with various diaries on here cos i ain't been reading as much as i normally do. Will also try and visit a few 2nd hand bike shops see if i can pick up a very cheap back wheel for my bike, get back in the saddle so to speak..(if i make enough tip money that is)

Thanks GT and Simon for your replys, as always most appreciated..

So today (Tuesday) is day 5 again and today i will not gamble.

ODAAT

Keep strong everyone, we can beat this

Takecare