Making it work

Hi CML

Thank you for your post on my diary and well done on staying GF for more than a month! Your experiences, struggles and thoughts in this diary and your posts so strongly echo mine that I am really amazed. In a way it just helps me understand my situation better too as I am currently finding it difficult to articulate my situation as clearly as you are able to. You are very right my friend and I feel that you have an exceptional powers of cognition and self awareness to pen your thoughts this way.

My method so far is to treat every any gambling thought of urge as utter rubbish and immediately cast it away from my mind. I realize that even a thought of gambling is poison for me. I get weakest when dwelling on my losses usually when things get tough financially and feelings of guilt, anger and regret try to creep in. But really what is the practical worth of these feelings? How will allowing myself to feel worse help me? In the past, entertaining these very thoughts led me to costly relapses. So why entertain them again? Yes I do accept that what I did was wrong. And as you say the key thing is I have the power to decide. So I think for me I have decided to just show anything related to gambling (urges, feelings, temptations, regret, anger, etc) the door and eject these out. I have realised how deceptive my mind can become. Time and again it has tricked me in the past. Helped by keeping blocks in placed I have decided to take charge by not allowing even an iota of space to its trickery anymore. Reading this forum helps me to strengthen the background and make my gambling mind weaker. I know it will take time to heal my mind but blow by blow, day by day, staying gf in mind thought and action, I will need to get my perspectives straightened out. The strength I have experienced is incredible in doing this. There are troughs though, moments when I become really weak, when urges clamour my mind, but by not yielding to them, by timing them out and later reflecting on how wrong these were, with blocks in place, those tough moments can be handled. Best to believe that things can get better only if we stay gf and no matter what we do we cannot win back our losses. Also vital is changing our mindset from not allowing ouselves to wallow in self pity or allow any kind of blaming thoughts in our head. Whats gone is gone. The current struggle can make us better and it is not that bad as our gambling mind tries to make us believe!

All the best buddy.

Thanks Shattered79 for your detailed analogy. This is very helpful in terms of becoming more in control and dealing with the tricks of the mind. Also I have to accept that gambling urges will come and go, and each time we resist and overcome, we become stronger. By the way you have done really well for yourself in recovery, although things are never straight forward.

The urges I experienced yesterday coincided with me forgeting to take my happy pills for 2 days, which makes me realise perhaps how important they are. Today, back on the meds I feel more positive and able to cope with the daily demands of life.

I must not allow myself to think too much about gambling, as the vibes that come to me act as a dangerous trigger. I can still feel the anticipation and tension - even though I'm not betting.

My wife still feels detached from the whole addiction thing. She continues to support me as she can see through my actions that I really want to change - self exclusion, therapy and accountability of expenditure. I asked her to read a few posts on the forum and it helped her to understand the plight of other cg's and of their partners perspective.

I have decided that I must actively persue my hobbies and interests in order to become more content. Therefore, today I will start reading a new novel, commence a jigsaw puzzle and go for a bike ride. Here's to a better GF life.

Had an ok weekend. Cooked a nice roast dinner for all the family - It's good to have a bit of family time at the weekend as it is just too hectic during the week.

Attended my 4th councelling session and was pleased to be able to state that I remain GF. My councellor is encouraging me to continue with the positive self-talk and to aim for a varied balance in my life with quality time spent with my wife and family.

I know that thoughts of gambling will probably always be with me, but I will use the pain of defeat as an overriding deterant to stop myself from placing that first bet, which could lead to another roller coaster of shreaded hopes and lost causes.

This forum for me is a whole new world. An opportunity to release my emotions and describe my thoughts. But what it really does is keep my mind on beating this gambling addiction by learning, accessing and contemplating.

It's easy to listen to the best advise in the world and dismiss, but because the stories and the people on here are real, it hits home with greater meaning.

As M.J. once sang with 'Man in the mirror'. We've got to make that change. It just makes you think. And it's not just a decision to stop gambling - it's a decision to change ourselves. In other words we should think about changing our whole selves; our outlook, social interaction, morals and values. Because unfortunately, whether or not we accept it, gambling has more than likely made us self-centred, selfish, introvert and moody. So in order to break out of the gambling addiction we should consider the personality changes which hopefully will improve ourselves to become a better person, partner, parent, friend etc.

Completed a survey for the gambling exclusion scheme and gave some honest feedback. Yes this exclusion has helped me to stop gambling, more so than if I was just relying on willpower alone. In fact I'm sure that I would have had a little dabble if this had not been in place, and I know where that could have taken me.

I seem to constantly thinking about the complexities of addiction and the fundamental causes and effects. I know that some people would probably give advise to stop thinking about gambling in any shape or form and focus on other things, but its just not that easy. Its the things we don't fully understand that frustrate us, and personally I want to have a greater understanding of the 'illness' so that I can fight it with more confidence.

The Alexis Conran documentary and the site: www.nhs.uk/Livewell/addiction have provided important and revealing information. For instance; I had not really understood that a big part of the gambling addiction is not only the winning and losing, but all the near misses! - When I think about it now it seems more obvious. Every time I nearly won a bet - it didn't really feel like a loss - it simply re-inforced my conviction that I would eventually win. I was just waiting for my change of luck so that I could win big and win conclusively. I'd kept dozens of betting slips to highlight just how close I had come to a significant win, as proof that I was not just a gambling fool, but that I had the evidence to show that winning was almost possible. Perhaps, disallusional - but as a CG I would not have been convinced otherwise.

I know also that my addiction had me blaming others for my actions or inaction. I failed to place a £4.8K winning acca bet because I had to pick my daughter up from the bus station. I couldn't get the bet on in time and unbelievably it would have won. I hated myself for not being selfish enough and was angry at my daughter who was obviously not to blame and was totally unaware of my gambling exploits.

Anyway, I will continue to put the pain behind me and be happy and contented with my gambling-free life.

Change

Keep talking.....the more you talk about a subject, the less important it becomes.

You are doing a great job, stay strong buddy

Just checking in with 50 days GF. It seems to be less of a struggle this time as I have a real network of support in place and a new outlook on life.

For the first time in a while I feel financial secure - even though I've got lots of debts to pay off. My hard work and overtime during the past month has enabled me to make extra payments on loans and leave some money in the bank. If I have been gambling there would likely be a defecit and money worries. When I think of all the wasted money that I gambled over the years, whenever I actually had money in my possession - these 'gambling tokens' would be eventually depleted. Clearly, that's why I rarely had any money, either in savings or otherwise. If I had lost on average £200 a month, (say £7 a day) - over the past 30 years I may have lost in total over 70K!! ...Of course I would have denied the fact that my compulsive addiction was actually the real reason for my financial hardship, because most of the time I viewed it as a bit of harmless fun with a chance of winning.

I guess it's all about learning the value of money. I've always had this really casual approach to money - 'easy come'.. 'easy go' - except unfortunately it wasn't really 'easy come' at all. Maybe that's a common trait with the CG. But I would often be careful spending money; I would resent paying £2.85 for a coffee - even though I wouldn't have thought twice of betting £20. At times when I had lost big (say £500), I would sometimes reflect on what I could have brought with that money - expensive clothes, a classy piece of jewellry, a holiday or furniture for the home. But the money that I gambled with never seemed real, and win or lose I would never be satisfied. I am so glad that I've finally left all this in the past.

Hi CML :)) . Ity's a bit of an eye opener when we start working out how much weve lost over years of gambling , I even tried it with one eye closed and it still didn't seem any easier to swallow :((.

I'll find myself looking for a new car shortly and I know the thoughts of " If only I hadn't blown all those thousand's " will be whispering in my ear ! But hey as they say on here "It's ok to look back , just don't stare " :)).

Your Bang on about the value of money and resentment over a small purchase though , I'd walk into town to buy something simple and as soon as I'd left home my gambling mind would be justifying me to have a bet in order to win what the purchase would cost , even before I'd reached the shop,and as I'd have to pass at least 3 bookie's along the way there was no way I wasn't going to at least try now was there ! .

It's such a crazy thought pattern with us CG's it's no real wonder it takes us so long to " Wake up and smell the Coffee " sorry no pun intended ! :)).

Congratulations on your 50 day's and well done on sticking with the plan :))

Best wishes

Alan

Thanks Al. Yes exactly - wake up and smell the coffee. Is that like a light bulb moment? - In other words when do we finally admit defeat to this gambling demon. Hopefully we have already done so... But for many it's a battle of the mind - gamblers who have a conscious determined effort to try to beat the odds and win a fortune. How many people do we hear that have done that? Not many. And besides, gamblers who tell details of their amazing wins often forget that their losses may be more substantial.

Well its that time of year again. Similar senario every Christmas time. Overspending on presents, food and drink causing unnecessary financial pressures. I guess its mainly due to my insecurities, but I find myself dreading xmas for this reason alone. That's why my closest and dearest call me 'Bah Humbug'!

Perhaps most people are guilty for excess and extravagance, reasoning that its justified to spend money we havn't got. But my wife is a bit of a Christmas addict - she gets totally drawn into it. Spend, spend, spend. With all the goodness of her heart and generousity for others she doesn't seem to accept that her overspending is putting me under pressure with the risk of a trigger to gambling. I know I've got to stop blaming other people or events for the way I feel and act.

Also there are the thoughts relating to Boxing day football fixtures which have habitually prompted gambling activity throughout the years, and this week the urges to have a bet have been quite intense - even to the point of visiting a bookmaker outside of my self-exclusion zone. As I stood outside the shop and hesitated I realised that after 50+ days GF it would still have been easy for me to get back in the groove. Had I walked into the gambling zone I know it would have been almost impossible for me not to have a bet.

I know that this addiction will be with me for life, lurking in the background. The fact is: I have always enjoyed the gambling experience. The intensity, expectation and excitement. Unfortunately, there's not many things in life that provide the same level of stimulation - reading books and doing jigsaw puzzles doesn't quite hit the mark. I guess I am a thrill seeker - I need strong lager, spicy food, adrenaline sports, loud rock music and wild se.x (I wish).

Anyway, here's to a gambling free Christmas and New Year. I will abstain. If I don't change - nothing changes.

'I have the power to decide'.

A lovely Christmas. Family time. Community spirit. A little over-indulgance, festive fun and gambling free.

I appreciate my family so much more since my new found resolution. Its not just the giving up gambling - its the positivity and improved outlook that helps me to become a better person. I realise that when I was gambling I was short tempered and had very little time for anyone else.

I'm beginning to accept that financial stability and control really is a matter of 'looking after the pennies and letting the pounds take care of themselves'. Something that my Dad had tried to reinforce upon me many years ago. But for many years I believed that I could get rich quickly. I dreamed of a life without a need for employment, without entrapment. I dreamed of financial freedom with the scope for guilt-free spending. Maybe I was believing in a pipe dream but I truely did believe that one day I would become rich through gambling. Whether this was just an admission to my lack of confidence that I could not make it any other way; I never believed that I could become successful working for a company as I was not ambitious, focused or self-assured.

I became involved in 'pyramid selling' and 'network marketing' which seemed like perfect tools to achieve my dreams of a vast and residual income, but found that - as in life - only the top 5% get rich. Then followed the lure of gambling with an eternal promise of profit and escape.

It makes you wonder though - we are all victims in a way. Gambling has been around for hundreds of years in many forms and plays on a persons greed for money, vulnerbility and nievity. I think that's part of the reason that CG's feel that they are not fully responsible for their actions because the evil ruthless temptations that were put in our way.

Morning, CmL

Thanks for your post and well done on the increasing gf count.

You might suggest to Mrs CmL to make use of GamAnon and/or counselling. We f&f usually start out by thinking that we're not the ones with the problem, but living with someone else's addiction is hugely damaging and we have or we end up with different problems.

re forgiveness, it has to be earnt. It wouldn't be particularly helpful to immediately and wholeheartedly forgive every time, it conveys a message that there's minimal damage. That sort of forgiveness is as meaningless as multiple sincere apologies following multiple relapses. Actually, the damage is extensive, and it isn't just about money. The money and debt are galling but it's the lies, the emotional remoteness, the projected blame that hurt. I think that the best way of managing all round is via the Steps. And making amends is Step 9 for a reason, by the time you get there, there's a solid foundation underneath. It isn't the case that amends can be made on Day 1. Forgiveness is equally long term. But long term has to start somewhere and you've started.

re Xmas spending and triggers, you may get an urge to gamble but any triggers are for you to deal with. Help's available via the forum or GA or GA contacts. This particular one is a false message from the addiction, suggesting that if you were to give in, well, it would be understandable because she tempted you. Not so. To bet or not to bet is down to you alone. The real question, best answered via counselling and GA, is what does the act of placing a bet give you, what need does it fulfil and why do you have that need.

Wishing you success in the New Year (and before it) and KOKO.

CW

CW. Thanks for your comments and I can see where you're coming from. Of course forgiveness should be earned. As you say a gambler will always have a choice whether or not to have a bet and the sympathy from others becomes less prominent as the offender continues to relapse again and again.

But the temptation to gamble for the CG is often misunderstood or underestimated. On the face of it, especially in hindsight, gambling activity is completely selfish with a disregard for the consequences, but the fact is that many CG's will go through a range of emotions of reasoning, mind torture and desparation before finally giving in to a gambling urge.

GA may well be a way forward and like you say, we could both benefit. As stated previously Mrs CmL feels detached from the whole addiction thing. She cannot understand it or come to terms with it, but she has clearly realised that in order to keep our family together and a roof over our heads its essencial that we stay together and work it out. Mrs CmL views things as 'black and white'; - she would declare that if a murderer is found guilty - they should be given life, regardless of whether it was retaliation or for a specific personal motive. Whereas I would consider causes, triggers, circumstances and influences.

Similarly, if an addict is trying to recover from gambling, drugs, smoking or alcohol - the force of the addiction can literally take over the mind in an all-consuming pattern. I don't believe that any addict deliberately sets out to hurt themselves or others.

Perhaps GA could provide a new angle for defence and understanding.