Metamorphosis

Thanks and certainly had a happy morning with all my neighbours, I helped provide brunch while we completed our Autumn clean up of all the communal areas. Allowed me to switch off from all my building worries which escalate by the day as more and more problems present themselves and acknowledge that people are more important than which way round my bath is installed.

Trying to use brief solution focused therapy on myself as we use it a lot at work. Making small realistic goals in the short term as who knows what challenges the long term future holds. Accepting my physical illness has brought limitations and lowering my own expectations of what I can actually achieve has been hard work but some interesting conversations this morning with others who have overcome adversity and are at peace with themselves without resorting to zoning out as I have in the past.

Fireworks and bbq tonight but the wind is picking up so methinks may be postponed so off to once again baton down the hatches.

Wishes to those struggling with difficult emotions this week and strength to one and all.

Funny how my moods can change on a sixpence as after fireworks last night woke this morning feeling sad for many different reasons.

Houseboat groaning in protest at the high winds but no damage so far though no sign of the Kenneths, I guess they are sheltering somewhere.

Going to try to soothe my mind today with a book and a hot bath as I know my danger zones so much better now.

Trade you the high winds for the big dump of snow we're getting here! Not sure this body can handle shovelling after the major cleaning workout I got yesterday. Funny, you mention feeling sad after an enjoyable evening. I experience that pretty much every time I've had a good time. For me, I think it's just the loneliness I face again afterwards which seems harder to take. Keep on keeping on. Am rootin' for you.

Hey DF,

Thanx so much for your post. Mood swings...god..don't even go there with mine lol

I'm sure a good read and hot bath will do wonders darling.

You doing great and be proud!

Relax....it's Sunday 🙂

S x

Hey Dragon Fly,

I heard an old familiar Christmas Carol on the radio yesterday while driving home from work and just burst into tears. Joni Mitchell once wrote " laughing and crying you know it's the same release". Anyway, I am hoping that the winds have died down some and that you are getting some peace. Thinking bout cha. -joanxxxx

Thank you Carla, Sandra and Joan, emotions have been all over the place this week from highest to lowest doldrums and every stage in between.

Another week has trundled on by, spent Monday taking my grandchildren to the cinema and for a meal which was bliss as have only seen them once since August due to family problems. Amazing how therapeutic two cuddles can be from the right person.

Politics at work reaching an all time high with staff leaving in droves and one lovely colleague on the brink of a breakdown, will contact the union next week as has to stop before serious damage occurs.

Health at a real low as well, cut down to three days in the summer but caseload the same as when I was full time so doing 14 hr days which is killing me. Had flu jab which didn't help as gave me splitting headache and joint pain worse than ever.

Still trying to sort building work but little progress so may not even get heating in before cold weather arrives, dreading another year of it.

Cost of taking children out really brought home the value of money and no idea how families manage these days, how can they justify a box of popcorn being £5.

Glad I am at last getting things back in perspective and not wasting months of savings and salary in a session. Having said that it is unbelievably hard work and have had to overcome that sick aching feeling several times this week when the cravings set in as passing a venue I would have previously used and raced back home to safety, almost as bad as a panic attack.

Have been using computer games on my laptop when really desperate for mind numbing as some of them are quite complex and I can become engrossed and I do know a complete waste of time but who cares when they are stopping me wasting money or going insane from the physical pain.

My troubles are the same as many in this life and I am just beginning at this great age to accept I cant fly away from them but can find ways to cope without compounding them as I have in the past.

Beautiful day on the river, narrowboats and canoes going past and all is peaceful and calm.

Stay safe and strong

Hi Dragonfly... I can empathise with what you describe in your latest post. We have this chap at work with quite a severe learning disability, he's a large man mid-twenties but mental age of a toddler. But he's got this great big smiling face and he loves cuddles. He cuddles me whether I want a cuddle or not lol. Mostly I do though, cos sometime I think a cuddle is worth more than a thousand words of advice.

Keep playing those games... cos if those games stop you emptying your bank account, then that's a good thing. I play scrabble and sometimes chess online and sometimes slightly more seedy things but and its a big BUT am not gambling away my money and that's the most important thing. Its good that we see the value of money and put what we do have to good use.

Thanks for your support. Regards... S.A 🙂

Hi DF...

And thank you so much for ur post...once again, you mention river at the end of your post and fantastic calm feeling went over me. I think you are very lucky to live where you are, the peace and quiet is all we need more than we have.

I know how dificult is to navigate the urges, but you are doing great job my friend.

Keep coming back..for good and bad..you are never on your own.

Take care and keep safe

Sandra x

Hey DF...

Thank you for being another gutsy lady for me to emulate ..by comparison ( and I know we should not compare lol) .my stuff seems no where near the level of pressure you have in your work.

It must be like walking a tightrope as if your system fails it not only ripples through many departments but you also have a pack of journalists baying for a story no doubt and looking for a scapegoat or someone to blame.

As I've got older the filtering mechanism between what I think and what I say seems to have broken down. I think it ,therefore it's out of the mouth within seconds .

I feel like Jim Carey some days in that film Liar Liar where his son wishes that for one day he would not lie and a spell is cast that makes that come true.

Well , life on the riverbank seems idyllic DF and I hope you have your heating all sorted out. Wondering if you have some of those lovely painted watering cans on your boat..I love those..

R and D xxx

LOL yeah popcorn is like gold to them movie theaters. Wanna say it cost over $5 a few years back here already. Hell has been a few years since I've seen a movie and does cost a small fortune for a family to go. Kinda wanna go see bad grandpa with Steve-o from jacka-ss though. Nothing to bring the grand kids to but a pretty good adult flick from what I hear.

Yeah I like playing the video games to to past time and urges. Guess i try to stay away from the gambling ones though. Download the free ones off of play store and most of them low grade games but still can be fun. Subway surfers ain't to bad and spend a lot of time playing it.

Hope your Monday is good to you as well as the rest of the week.

Thank you so much and I will be back at the weekend to reply.

Don't normally write during the week any more but something Rach wrote on Duncs thread really struck a chord and I needed to register it while I still feel the impact.

The last time I saw my Grandmother was shortly before she died at the age of 101.

I was very close to her as she lived with us for most of her life and she understood me.

The very last thing she ever said to me was 'I don't remember who you are, I just remember that I love you very much'.

People have always been the most important part of my life, be it friends, family colleagues, neighbours or the stranger on the train keen to tell me his life story.

My addiction was a response to a scary degenerative health condition I needed my mind to escape, but through it I hurt those I cared for and prevented myself from meeting others who might have cared for me.

I have been so lucky throughout my life and had many amazing experiences, I want to enjoy many more and to have memories of those I have loved and who loved me just as my grandmother did.

Finally realising how important this battle actually is to me and as with the health battle I fight on a day at a time.

So grateful for all the support on here and so many less side effects than the Fuckola tabs.

xxx

Hey DF

Thank you for the shout out btw....

The thing I mentioned on Duncs diary I remember reading in a book called "on death and dying " by Elisabeth Kubler Ross who was privileged enough to spend time with many many people from all walks of life and backgrounds in their final days.

The book was not morbid or scary at all but almost a documentary that really puts things into perspective, cuts though the cr** and shows at the end of the day what is important and what is not as just about every person said pretty much what your grandmother was saying or similar ..nothing else was important.

The sum total of a life was measured by the capacity to love and not about material possessions or money in the bank or even achievements..

Someone once said that if when we are born we all knew that in our 60th birthday we would drop dead at 12 o clock on the dot, would we live out lives differently ?

Interesting one..

It was actually a suggestion from a dying woman who was an old customer of mine who I saw in her final days in the nursing home who inspired me to trace my birth mother. She had given her son up for adoption and they found each other and had a few good years together before she passed away. She told me to go and find her before it's too late.

This lady who I only knew as a customer was not at all interested in money, possessions, what house I lived in, my job , holidays ,clothes or any of that ..only that I find my mum.

We come in with nothing and we take nothing with us Hun and we have time still on our side to keep doing the work and fighting to increase our capacity to love..Think I'm gonna be around a few millennia more as I have a lot to learn in that department...lol xxxx

((((DF))))) xxx...who has many many many more memories to make xx

Thanks Rach I do lots of reading so will look it up. It's an interesting topic which I have been thinking about a lot recently as have been so unwell. Had flu all week seemingly brought on by my flu jab but dragged into work as legal stuff to do.

A completely emotionally draining weekend with family staying and which progressively nose dived for many different reasons. Emotionally drained and physically exhausted but will not gamble.

I f*****g hate getting old, I f*****g hate being ill, I f*****g hate losing my independence and being treated like a moron. Defeated and deflated today but will not gamble.

Today I will indulge in a little self pity but I will not gamble.

(((Dragonfly)))... pity party allowed for sure! Sorry to hear things are lousy for you. I won't pretend that I know what you're feeling but I did watch my mom go through a lengthy illness and it wasn't fun. Vent away... and I hope the clouds lift real soon.

Hi DF

Sorry to read things are tough right now. Knowing your strength however, gives me confidence that you'll work through these emotions.

You're a strong, kind cookie.

Take care

Irene

x