Metamorphosis

Thanks again Sandra and Rach, no such thing as wrong feedback as always gives me something to think about which lifts me from the doldrums.

Melancholy is a good description of my feelings today as thoughts link one to another.

Thank heavens no one can sell parrots any more in the way we did all those years ago but my ex gave away our own parrot ( he was good at that) and I had to rehome my blue and gold macaw a few years back when I had to work full time again as he needed more company. Miss him a lot as he was a noisy B*****r and would have loved living here. What with my leg we could have taken off Long John Silver no problem.

The more I look back on my life I realise why my children struggle to understand and accept the alternative lifestyles I have chosen at times but have always taught them to be open minded so why can they not apply that to me. I don't want to lose them but not sure if I can change enough at this stage in my life. Will not let these thoughts chase me to hide in gambling.

I am a gambling addict - get me out of here.

Hey DF..

Just me...again..(just let me know if i'm in ur face)

You don't have to change for anybody..you been yourself for so long, and made decisions you feel are right. Your kids surely understands and appreciates it..you shouldn't feel need to "change" yourself for somebody..

It's in your loved ones hearts darling...i might get it wrong, but that's the only way i see it

You want a parrot? just let me know where to send it:-) It would be special..talking one 🙂

Keep posting dragonfly...we are here..

S x

OOO ARRR me heartie ..xx

You did make me smile there in your post DF..

Certain fractions of my dwindling family have also lived quite differently to the mainstream and when I was younger i used to see it as an embarrassment I'm ashamed to say and even once went through a phase of pretending I wasn't related to them which being adopted was kind of genetically true.. ( no wonder they call me Hyacinth! )

I say that with great shame now but looking back I think my life was so chaotic that I just wanted what looked normal on the surface..i.e. 2.5 semi detached life with a Labrador dog. My family really were split and no wonder how I found shows like The Good Life and "Keeping Up Appearances" so funny as it was in my own family..lol

As I've got older I now often will talk anecdotally about things that they did and what I realise is that what looked a bit crazy at the time is now part of our history. When it comes to regaling memories it's never ordinary ones like "remember the time we got a new car" ..it's always the mad crazy ,stuff that has made us what we are...

Don't change DF..you are a one off and that is something to be proud of..There are not enough people like you in the world in my opinion, we need more..life's bland enough .

On the surface I look conventional but inside I'm not and people like yourself give me inspiration as you are being yourself and that gets my respect every time xxxx

Thanks for understanding Sandra and Rach.

I have tried so often to provide the trappings of 'normal' and for years managed a pretty good facia when the children were at school so as not to embarrass them too much but underneath I would be screaming to be different. We lived just outside a country town as well Rach so for a time lived that life complete with green wellies and berber. (my automatic spellcheck just changed wellies to willies - good job I noticed.

Feel now I am totally morphing into the real me and this is what my family cannot cope with. They love the idea of my life on the river but resent the ageing and illness which makes them feel obliged to offer me help which then causes problems, as when they are helping they feel as though they are in charge and can make decisions for me.

Enough of this, it is all part of a complex situation and the stress can trigger my demons but will not allow it as I have much better things to spend my money on - a fairy costume for my grand daughters birthday this week and a party for 30 children to which I am invited (just wish I could dress up too).

Those little people visited today (grandchildren not elves) and we coloured and played and ate ice cream and fed the Kenneths till they were fit to burst and sanity was restored.

How could I risk losing that again.

A beautiful frosty night on the river, so many fears and frustrations but very simply what a wonderful life.

Hey dragonfly in your little calm place on the river 🙂

Thank you for your kind words on my tread, and sorry it wasn't the one to put smile on your face...i am glad i can be some help sometimes, as i say..even one word can work magic.

I think you are doing fantastic dear fighter, you are being yourself and that's very important.

Having fun with little 'elves' is something magical..kids always makes you feel so much alive and kicking. On a go, pain goes away,high spirit, laugh and joy,..careless world. It is beautiful world out the DF...we do forget how good to live can be.

I really would like to see that calm river, especially in a mornings..little frost on the edges..calm and peaceful.

Take care darling and keep yourself warm ( be careful with candles if planning to light any this evening) 😀

God bless

Sandra x

Spent today with a fifteen year old boy from Syria who recently witnessed his entire family being massacred.

Doesn't take away my problems or make them easier to manage but sure puts my family squabbles into perspective.

It does my lovely but always remember our problems are relative and sometimes not comparable.

I understand what you are saying but don't forget you matter xxx

R and D xx

Hi there really sorry to hear of your slip and i hope you can bounce back sharpish, i do wish i had time to read up more about what happend and offer the support and advice you deserve but I'm just so busy at the mo just about got time to check out the thread and dash off but i do wish you all the best and are you going to be continuing with the thread, your certainly more than welcome to do so. If you feel its right for you and will help then drop me a post with the date that im restarting you with and off we go again. Whatevers best for you. Take care and stay strong, this bloody gambling game is a real life ruiner and i hate what its done to me and to all others on here. Stop that pain by never going back!!

Just poping by and hoping all is good with ya.

Hey DF

Just popping in for a catch up.

I love reading about your escapades with the grandchildren- you sound like such a fun gran 🙂

Remember to take care of you!

Irene

x

Hi Dragonfly,

Just catching up on your thread there. I can relate completely to that feeling of not fitting in and as far as alternate life styles go. Lol... I could go on for a life time. One of the things that I like soooo very much about you is that you are not a dull little round peg happily sitting snug in your little round hole. Hope that does not wind up sounding naughty in some way.... you know what I mean. Your purple hair, your river, the kens, the way you see those you try to support at your job. You are an amazing soul miss dragonfly. And, gambling is what we do sometimes not who we are all the time. We know we shouldn't do it. And, we are trying our best to stop it. As you I feel better about myself when I don't gamble and feel cr ap when I do but, we fall down and get right back up again. Sorry for the ramble dear. I am in a mood today.. 😀 Take Care Dragonfly. Hugs -joanxxxx

Hi Dragonfly... just been catching up with your thoughts. Much to reflect on. Life is precious. Its a wonderful life. Take care... S.A 🙂

Thank you and back tomorrow with replies but for now:

Realise that living amongst razor edged critics had worn all the edges off me and I had become that designated round person, but even then the round hole was the wrong size so am now sticking some knobbles back on and fitting myself into a beautiful knobbly shaped hole on the river. This may cause others to stare at the bizarre spectacle of a knobbly purple haired geriatric and no doubt years ago I would have been dunked as a witch by Joan's puritanical popcorn brained bigoted f***s, however as we supposedly live in more tolerant times I shall continue my quest.

Interesting to me the difference between 'the simple life' and the 'non life'. To me the simple life is anything but that, as to live happily takes creativity, understanding, tolerance and a great deal of hard work within relationships, whereas the non life is to say 'life's a b****, poor me, end of'.

Having said that I completely understand the effects of depression and lethargy as have been there myself many times and again it takes time, effort and support to dig out of that hole.

Have made the decision not to rejoin the Christmas thread. I wish everyone well but for me it highlights the weeks racing by and life is too short, at the same time also has an element of competition and whilst I accept that this is positive motivation for some, to me it means some will wear the label of loser.

Thinking a lot about how the compulsion to gamble is a physical as well as emotional feeling before, during and after the event. I have always been an impulsive / compulsive person in many different aspects, which has affected my life in many positive and equally negative ways when major decisions have been made in seconds.

There are so many characteristics combine to make each of us individual, maybe I am now fighting a pre ordained imprint in my personality such as sexual orientation. Discoveries are made daily in respect of genetics and I do know many others who abhor the lack of control and planning they see in me and cannot understand as addiction is not present in their make up.

It is difference that makes us all unique and in no other aspect than addiction be it alcohol, drugs, s*x etc would we be expected to change our basic make up. Having said that, with the current trend for plastic barbie doll features maybe acceptance of individuality is a thing of the past. I work with many traumatised young people who have been led to believe it is not acceptable to be different in this world and who are looking for that cure all via crime, drugs, s*x that will allow them to fit in. Maybe I am doing just that by attempting to annihilate my compulsive streak. While I obviously understand why this needs to be done, the damage limitation must not be at the expense of losing my identity and if addiction is an intrinsic part of my make up this will be a battle for life.

Df

Glad to see you are making the choice for you my dear friend.

regards your views on 'competition' I do understand what you write, I myself felt the pain of being removed from a thread recently, plunged into the abbiss so to speak. But from it I take two things firstly I do believe those threads serve a purpose, to create a unified front, as this forum has surely a greater sense of being when it's not fighting with itself, that I know first hand.

Second and most importantly for me the competition we have only has one opponent, the same one for all of us. 'destructive gambling' it is where we all need to place our best efforts, for you like me you have to find a way that befits your own recovery, and reading and away from the forum I see a strong minded,indepedant, caring person who wants to do what's not only right for them but those around them too. And all for very little in return.

You are by no means a loser, addiction loves to make us feel this way.

Well my friend each days abstinence for us is the JACKPOT!!!

Enjoy it, and keep those edges, your own piece of the great big puzzle.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hey DF

I can't speak in a pro or con way about abstinence threads as I have no idea if I'd see It as motivating or demotivating.

I think I'd probably see it as competing with others and as I'm a one on one combat fighter and not a team player I think I'd find it demotivating as I'm only interested in raising my own game...maybe chess is more of a sport to me..lol

I think I see what you mean ....but forgive me if I'm wrong,

I thought that my snuffing out my romance J****E side I would be left bereft with no passion and no sexual desire.

This has not been the case as I see that that part of my self I was limiting to the confines of a relationship...I'm not a s**t around town or anything but that passion does come out in other ways that require less energy 😉

Whatever the spark is that drives you ..( in your case naughtiness and Spontinaety missy ) I think you can harness that in different ways in fact more expansive ways.

R and D xxx

simple life I think requires much creativity and improvisation ..my feeling rightly or wrongly is that I think you would love that and feel complete if you could share it with someone xx