Metamorphosis

Diary of a f******g idiot. Warning don't read if of a sensitive disposition.

Listening to your lovely music Sandra and so ashamed.

After a twelve hour day working with a sexually abused teenager who cuts herself with knives I had long drive home so feeling exhausted but safe as only £20 in my purse I stopped for coffee.

Monkey brain took over and put the £20 in a machine and won £500. I'll just use my original £20 on another machine. You know the rest. Used card to draw out £30 limit and after that had gone as well bought the biggest greasiest burger (I just lost one and a half stone with healthy eating) then so peed off I accidently drove into a pot hole bigger than my car on the way home.

Car insurance and tax due - £500

Swimming for my grandchildren for a year - £500

The stupid thing is I don't gamble for the money so why am I annoyed that I lost it all. I am more annoyed that I gave in to the voices in my head, you deserve it, one twenty cant hurt just for fun - as Joan says blah blah blahety blah.

Her scars on the outside mine are on the inside where no one can see them

DF

it is the diary of a compulsive gambler,

the mantra the same

I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP

the emotional damage the same as many of us have suffered, almost wanting to feel the pain of others, through loss.

I cannot and will not try to understand how difficult your job is, but unconditionally I get the escapism.

Don't be too hard on yourself, dont chase those losses, the £500 was not losses, you lost a bullseye, enough punishment, but those limits are having an effect.

As our dear friend Rach would say

Progress not perfection.

You will yourself know when it is time to shut the door for good,i will be by your side

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Dragonfly,

Echoing Duncs here,

Emotional pain can be as deep as scars girl. I'm struggling to find words my dear fighter, but I really wanted to write to you. Simply feel the pain u describe...inside out.

Look after urself.

Put it all down, that's what diaries are for darling. Never hold back.

Progress not perfection indeed. Stay safe

((((( DF ))))) xx

Dear Dragonfly,

You are not an idiot. As Duncs says, we are compulsive gamblers. You sat with that poor soul. Took in so much of her pain and had nowhere to go with it. P is a social worker/clinician and comes home with similar stories and I can see the toll it takes on her sometimes. Sometimes what we see and hear in these "human services" jobs resonates in a painful way. Maybe in a triggering way. Get it all out Dragonfly. I forget the title of the movie this came from but, there was a woman who built herself a wailing wall in her own back yard.. I have considered that myself. You didn't commit a crime putting that twenty in. That's not the point. You know the facts so I won't go on any further. I will just close by saying blah blah blah fu ket y blah ((((((big fat hug)))))) blah..-joanxxxx

Hi DF

I can only mirror what the others have posted above. Being CGs doesn't make us bad or stupid people- just people who cant control that compulsion once we start.

Hey Ms you'll always be a star in my opinion.

Take care of you

Irene

x

(DF, I don't get on here much nowadays, but would be happy to send my mobile number via admin here if that'd help when you need to empty your head of the work stuff)

Thank you so much for the support Duncs, Joan, Sandra and Irene and I will get back to you but have had a couple of real weepy days which I think has probably done me good but not the best time to write to others.

My default setting has always been to keep going regardless and has seen me through many a disaster in the past and is exactly what I have done recently during, floods, storms, health and family problems. The outcome is that at some stage the reality kicks in and I collapse in a heap for a few days to recharge batteries.

My idiocy a couple of days ago was the beginning as knew I had four days off work to try and start repairing the damage to my home, health and peace of mind before returning to work and facing up to my problems again.

The tears, triggered by reading my diary on here, the responses and the text from Duncs, helped hugely and I could feel my anxiety lifting. Since then I have straight in my head how to fix all the damage to my property, have thrown out the contents of my freezer and garden and other practical stuff and read a fantasy novel, a far better escape than watching spinning reels like an automaton.

I would love to write fiction, it is such a skill to transport people into a different world.

I returned back here last weekend, however the water rose yet gain and I had to wade to my car each day but at last it has drained level with the land, Kenneth and ms Kenneth have returned to tap on my bedroom window at all hours of the night and day for food, the amazingly coloured mandarin ducks are spending their days, oblivious to the mud, in my garden, the blue t**s and robin have remained faithful so now I just await the flock of green parakeets to arrive and sit squabbling over their place on the feeder.

None of this related to gambling?

My sanity is returning and along with it the understanding and energy to challenge this addiction and push it back where it belongs as an insignificant, obsolete, useless, damaging irritation that needs to remain in my past.

Amongst the desolation that was my garden there is one beautiful tiny little purple crocus which survived under ten feet of water. Life goes on.

Hi Dragonfly... Collapsing in a heap and recharging the batteries sounds like just the tonic. The stresses of life catches up with all of us eventually. You have been looking after yourself. Sounds like you enjoyed your novel.

As always I love reading about your local wildlife. Ive been working at a special school and I was out with one of the kids and he became fascinated with a tiny lady bird. He spent a while caring for it. It wasn't flying for some reason.

Life goes on. Take care.. S.A

Thanks SA and I know what you mean about the yp you have been working with as one I knew we used to go and cow watch for hours. Trouble is often unpredictable and two seconds later ladybird could be squished underfoot.

Trying desperately to dig myself out of this melancholy and must be an absolute pain for friends and family as in such a negative rut. Last month this is exactly what my son became angry about when I was having a moan about the floods when he told me my worries are insignificant as others are dying in Syria etc and I do appreciate that but continue to struggle so will make use here to offload.

Work is a nightmare as well as just cannot manage twelve hour days and have about a months toil with no space to take it back. Completely reorganising the system within Surrey which entails reconfiguring teams so everyone very anxious and lots of staff have left in the process. In fact not sure how much longer I can or want to work there but cannot manage on just a pension as my situation changed so dramatically in life that I did not plan for or expect to be in this predicament at my age.

My neighbour spoke to estate agent last week who laughed and said property virtually worthless now so after my ex P***** away half a million on a business venture I have done the same with the other half.

Last Sunday neighbour who lives away from here has rented his property and the new tenant cut down huge willow that is in my river picture so now everyone can see directly in my houseboat and he is putting a barge on the mooring which will also look directly in. Gutted and no more ironing in my knickers.

Still no working toilet or shower or boiler as my son in law has been ill. Am trying to be patient as I understand they need to pay off debt to me this way but fed up with it now.

Garden completely gone, all topsoil etc washed away with plants and garden furniture and lots of old pots that were old friends broken and smashed so will have to start from scratch. Will have to wait for studio as well till ground dries out.

In the scheme of things none of this is in the slightest way important, in my little world I am coping badly and sound like a whiney old woman, which I am.

Could go on and on about health, family, car etc etc but enough is enough.

The sun is shining, a neighbour called in to see if I am ok, met a friend for coffee yesterday who gave me a Christmas present saying I was a lovely friend. I will try very hard to put a positive spin on my life as know only too clearly the consequences when I am low and vulnerable and there are many others with much much worse problems, just imagine if I was *** and lived in Russia or Gambia.

http://youtu.be/P2K_1qvIsFo

This is the reality.

Hi Dragonfly... and I hope your finding time this weekend just to do as little as possible and just "BE". From the outside looking in you do seem to be under tremendous pressure and strain. Your job sounds like a bit of a nightmare just now and for me I don't think your son's comments are particularly helpful.

Do what you have to do to make things a little easier on yourself. Money isn't everything in my opinion. Since ive left my job my mental health has (on balance) improved. I only worked 2 days last week and did lots of running instead... am less stressed and consequently have no desire to zone out at the machines.

I think your coping remarkably well what with everything you have going on in your life... well done.. warm regards... S.A 🙂

Hi Dragonfly, thank you for your kind words on my diary, it's always nice to hear from you. I don't know about being a wordsmith, I suppose it's come from years of trying to express how I feel if you know what I mean.

Really sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch at the moment, the floods sounded Biblical in their devastation and it must have been a nightmare for you. Human misery isn't, I feel, relative to other's suffering. It's easy to compare our problems with others in the world and although you feel it should ease our own problems, reflectively, the cold truth is it doesn't and it shouldn't. Where does it end? Do we tell the people of Syria to be positive because there's more suffering in Darfur? Or throw up the past like Rwanda, Armenia, Cambodia etc where does it stop? If you feel bad, miserable, worn down, tired of putting on a brave face then feel free to express that, without guilt or condemnation because its your right and indeed it'll make you feel better. Better out than in as the saying goes.

On top of all the floods, repair issues and work at least you never buckled and gave in to gambling, be proud of that, no big blow out, no bury your head in the sand. You've faced everything life has thrown at you lately. In time things will fall back into place, things will become resolved, the wheel will turn towards happier more serene times, it's just a matter of hanging in there, relaxing physically and mentally into those problems whilst showing your strength.

Keep strong Dragonfly, shame about that Willow, beautiful trees, sadly I cannot comment about ironing in knickers, since the court case I'm forbidden from wearing knickers, a mac and a Groucho Marx mask.

Yours absurdly

Steg

Hey dragonfly,

Thank you so much for your kind words on my diary. Life and it's struggles eh, something we can't avoid sometimes. Mother nature can b unforgiving for humans, but not much we can do...Let it pass, maybe with destroying force and consequences it leaves behind, but we survive and have to move on. Really sorry to see you having such a tough time at the minute, but glad you are getting it all out dear fighter. Keep posting and dumping, I know it's hard to change materialistic problems recent storm created, but, darling you have your soul, belief and strength. Not much I can add to it, but you have the most important and priceless things in ur life..inside you, inside ur heart. I hope time will bring more peace to you and slowly you will get that lovely corner you feel yourself in, you will get it all back my friend, and I will b here at that time to share the joy and smiles with you. Never give up giving up, life is too short to let the black cloud darken your days. Get it all out: good bad and the ugly, we are all right here behind you.

Stay safe dragonfly

Take care

S x

Hi DF

Off work this week so got some time to spend on GC! Hoping things are looking up for you. Its hard to focus on the positives when shiteloa seems to be all around. I've learned that I accept and appreciate the little things more than I ever did-

Hope you're looking after you,

Take care

Irene

x

Thank you SA, Lazarus, Sandra and Irene for kind words of wisdom.

Don't know what weird werewolf entered my head last week but just felt like growling the whole time but my moanathon on here managed to dilute the feelings enough to enable me to struggle through the week into a more pleasant state of mind.

Met with friends, I couldn't manage without their patience and understanding and coped with work as always. Daffodowndillies appeared in my garden to keep my crocus company and my thoughts are now with planning the future rather than regretting the past. Post flooding support from government a laugh as precisely zilch help so far but then didn't expect any different.

Today a mega me day as read, planted colour my friend gave me in the garden and contemplated the river which is ruffled to white river horses in the wind. I had not realised how much I had missed my safe haven where I can live closely with nature if I choose or be included in the community if I choose. A bit like this site where I can dip in and out as the need arises or my mood changes.

Realising how important my mood is in relation to my gambling and the need to intercept at the stages when I am most vulnerable, which at the moment is driving home from work especially at night when the demons could convince me pink was green if I let them into my headspace.

Have made practical moves with my card by reducing cash limit but it is that dreaded feeling of personal failure that haunts after even the smallest fall headlong into the pit of gloom.

Also wondering why my creator has such a sick sense of humour, as I gain wisdom and insight in my dotage I become physically less able to make use of those skills by the day.

So sad to see so many young people on here, please let them be strong enough to overcome this nightmare before it defines their lives, but equally good to see others returning after many years of living life to the full with encouraging words that it can be done.

In a good place and looking forward to the weekend which I hope is enjoyed by all.

There's no fool like an old fool.

DF

I counter that with

You are never too old to learn.

Never give up giving up my dear friend

duncs stepping forward never back