Metamorphosis

I hear you girl.....((((((((DF))))))))

Sorry t hear about your sadness today....life is not fair....but it's life...

Every minute is precious indeed....my warmest wishes to you, stay strong and try to keep a calm mind..its not easy,, but just look after yourself and stay peaceful....thank you for sharing. S x

(((((((((((Dragonfly))))))))))) -joanxxx

Hi DF, sorry to hear about your recent losses and the way you're feeling at the moment. Always tragic when people you know die, especially the young.

I wish I'd said 'Picnic at Hanging Rock,' instead of 'The Railway Children,' in my late night rambling then I would have convinced myself that I was psychic, or special. Yet by my small landfill of past, wasted betting slips I should realize now that those feelings of grandeur are misplaced to say the least. I'm just as ignorant as the next man, which doesn't say much. Yet, despite this I did enjoy the truth about your childhood, especially the part about Australia. I'm not sure if being uprooted quite a bit is a good or bad thing for a child, a bit of a double edged sword I suppose. A lot to see and do but a lot of goodbyes too. We had similar Fathers in their vocation, both went around collecting things other people often walked past. Yours was a geologist whereas my dad was a binman. He was a miserable sod, not a very good father to be honest, saw everything as a threat. Yet who am I to judge, I never walked in his shoes, I couldn't anyway, I'm size 11 and he was a size 5.

Anyway, I liked the fact you went on marches as a younger woman, that you believed in things passionately, believed you could carve out change. Unfortunately, I have to be honest and I'm not proud of myself over this, but I've always been too cynical. I'm an anti capitalist and believe that society is geared towards serving the elite and big corporations, it's based upon monetary greed and at the expense of the general population. My cynicism stems from the belief that political, proletariat change is impossible because the stranglehold is too tight whilst the oppressed are too lethargic, too manipulated. My delusion goes further when I imagine if society did 'reboot' with a level playing field of fairness then it would only be a matter of time before the 'old' system was back in place but with different companies and different faces. My miserable outlook stems from the flickering belief that this society reflects upon the nature what it is to be human. This is what stops me campaigning for change, I'm worse than lethargic, I'm cynical. Besides, what would replace capitalism? Religion, communism? No thanks.

My one grain of hope is Bhutan where their annual GDP is measured on, not money but personal happiness. It's a way of thinking that I hope one day covers the Earth.

Some may ask what these ramblings have to do with gambling and your thread. Well please indulge me and I apologise if what I've written is both tiresome and annoying but you're, I believe an intelligent woman who I assume (very dangerous ground here) will listen to the mumblings of an old fool (44 1/2). If society is fundamentally broken and geared towards capitalism at the expense of the populous then, and this is my main point, people will become unhappier, uncertain, confused, isolated, vulnerable and therefore more susceptible to various addictions for a way of escaping, blocking or looking for happiness. Why would we gamble if we had everything we needed? I'm not talking materialistically here.

One day, when Maisie is happily settled in adulthood I shall probably live in a commune, or a cave, or in the bins at the back of the library and see out my days contently.

I hope your view from your houseboat is cleared soon and the waterfowl are doing well. now go to paint for many hours and find peace.

Take care DF

A ragged Philanthropist

Hi Dragonfly,

I'm just milling around the diaries today and was thinking about you. Spring is finally showing signs of actually coming 'round here. I hope you are feeling a little bit better today. -joanxxx

Hi dragonfly,

As well as our lovely Joan here, I'm thinking of you too. Stay safe and sound ((((DF))))

S x

Thank you Joan, Lazarus and Sandra for sticking round waiting for me to crawl out from under my stone.

Have functioned this last week but little else other than the times with my grandchildren despite being amongst people every day. I managed to provide brunch for out community clean up day but hid from the evening bonfire party which went on to 2.00am, my loss not theirs.

Emotionally drained by recent events and disappointed at my response as reverted back to my old ways after all the hard work and attempts at insight into the why's and wherefore's.

Feel as though I am trapped in a tetris game constantly fitting the shapes into my life as game over draws nearer and nearer.

Have turned into the classic grumpy old lady complaining about everything and anything and upsetting everyone in the process. I thought I needed to do this and speak my mind but I don't like this person at all and has made me feel so much worse rather than better.

Coin flipped over and I can see positive outcomes at work with several young people with their whole lives ahead of them, I should be celebrating not weeping.

Insomnia welcomed as nightmares so real and scary that I should make them into horror films, where does my mind find the pictures to create these fantasies?

Insomnia welcomed as the huge moon in the sky is reflected on the river which is as still as a millpond tonight. Windows open as a warm night, rats scampering under the tree searching for food dropped by the birds from the feeders hanging above. Bread maker chuntering in the background, the smell wafting from the kitchen, only sadness is I don't share it with someone any more but then at other times I crave my solitary lifestyle so I need to be realistic and know it wouldn't work in the conventional way.

Why do I risk losing all this when monkey brain kicks in and f**k you head takes over.

I need to write more often of the little things in life that are good or funny to remind me of how lucky I am and that life is precious.

Everyone has to deal with morons and s**t in their lives and I can change my default setting so that it is no longer gambling but living life again.

DF

My dear friend great to see you are gifting yourself some therapy through you writing here.

Yes it does take effort,great effort, f**k if I stop for a day my body cries out, there are bits that don't function properly any more lol.

But with the feeling of rewards for my effort rather than the self pitying fool Gambling made me and financially devastated too boot.

There is always the monkey it won't ever leave us,but believe in the fact that you can leash it,tie it down,beat on it like it beat on you and as I wrote recently that for one day is more than enough to be proud of,inspired by.

You did win because you did stop.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hello my dear fellow soldier 🙂

Insomnia....hmmm something I am so used to since taking on these work hours..A year of couple of hours sleep each night, d**n it can catch up with your mindest, wellbeing and thinking. Not gonna moan, I do hav my "coma" nights now and again lol..besides, I love to see sunrise in the mornings, birds singing and light breaking through, it gives me a wake up call, world is still turning, life is all around, everyone is getting up to face their own challenges/battles of the day...it is real and new opportunities lies ahead with each morning..

Good to see you posting DF, as Duncs says, gifting yourself some therapy. I hope it lightens your heart, heavy stone rolls off your chest and you can catch deep fresh breath.

I must be rambling here,, I'm sorry, I just want to let u know that you are not alone even if you feel so sometimes. Hope sunny spring mornings gifting you that lovely calm feeling and the wiev of the river and nature around is giving you more strength and belief of better peaceful days ahead. You are worth it, that's for sure,, take it all in and enjoy DF. There is always a light and warm sun after the dark destroying storm.

Have a lovely Easter my friend, peace to you and your loved ones.

Take care

Sandra x

Thank you Duncs and Sandra, lovely to hear from you.

Amazing thunderstorm directly overhead this morning which I love with the sound of the rain on the river and my roof.

Spent the afternoon making upside down cake with my five hear old grand daughter and then after much colouring and laughter as to what an upside down cake is called if it is upside down we watched the cartoon the Croods on video as too wet for outside.

'This is not living, this is just not dying' - out of the mouth of a cartoon character and could so easily sum up my life if I don't stop myself sliding back into the deep.

I saw the amazing blue flash of a kingfisher today and my garden is slowly coming back to life albeit weeds rather than flowers that have survived the floods.

I am exhausted, smudged with flour and I ache in every part of me. Bliss. Has not even flitted into my mind once to head out tonight to waste my money. I understand in reality every day cannot be filled this way but from now on I shall start living not just not dying.!!!

Good on you DF for the affirmation of your last post. By the way I really enjoyed reading your last post on my diary, the mumblings of an insomniac to you maybe but to me they were rich with memories I found marvellous. You may feel up and down at the moment, and you may feel at times that you've wasted time and money relatively recently. Yet overall you've witnessed so much, felt so much and lived a life you should be proud of. Of course I realise that past experiences are no antidote for present circumstances and the way we feel today or tomorrow but nonetheless you've lived a stimulating life.

I can only imagine how good and optimistic the sixties were (I was born in the sixties but only for 40 days so my memories consisted solely of warm milk and large, round, smiling faces). Yet from what I've consequently learned is that the music was better, politics fairer, society closer and generally everything seemed more hopeful. Of course this could be a post war thing or maybe it really was just 'the age of Aquarious,' who knows. Russell Grant perhaps, the mischievous welsh fraudster.

Vietnam was terrible, all wars are of course. Kennedy, Johnson, Tricky Dicky, Kissinger all guilty in my eyes. The sensible went to Canada to avoid the draught. Many with an Ill placed sense of duty went to their deaths, many more had their lives turned upside down from what they saw or had to do. The poor Vietnamese caught up in all this mess paid an unbearable price for the decisions of a few old men in Washington. Just one reason why I'm a pacafist and distrust politicians.

I really don't think I could be a hippy though. I mean, to function in a commune, be part of their community but I could very easily live on their outskirts up a tree or in a cave or something, free from any rules and able to live my life as I choose. I think I have a long way to go yet before my personality calms down a little and I'm more peaceful within. I know there is part of me which is impatient, seeks chaos, self destructive and restless. It's smaller and quieter now thank goodness but it's still there, I feel it. I can feel calm by myself amongst nature but put me in the company of others, no matter how sweet and gentle they are, sooner or later someone's going to peeve me off, no amount of lentils or chanting is going to alter this. Hopefully one day things will change, then again.....

Anyway, I like science and I'm glad your Dad saw the value in Uranium (boo humbug from the hippies on the previous paragraph), properly mined, properly used and properly disposed of then it's a great way of aquiring cheap, clean (ish) energy in an energy dependant world. We've been using fision successfully for over 50 years but when fusion is utilised things will be even better. Saying that though I wouldn't be overly pleased if they built a reactor next door to where I live or indeed the tree/cave I intend to settle in. In my eyes, science is the way forward, another reason why I couldn't spend my days chanting and dancing in circles (forgive the stereotypical patronisation) for I'd rather be in a tree trying to construct a continual motion machine, out of twigs and leaves.

I'm really glad to hear about your involvement within the discrimitory area of our society. We're quite lucky in this country compared to others but nonetheless it's good to have a buffer between common sense/good and ignorance/hate/misery. Good on you.

Could've done with you when I was growing up, I was given a child psychologist in school to try and sort me out. Nothing much was resolved in that time and I still went off the rails but I'm happy to be finally reaching a point of contentment now after all these years and a sort of acceptance and understanding of who I am and which part of my personality is pulling at me in a given time, maybe now I'm beginning to find peace. Ironically, I too ended up helping children with emotional difficulties. Nothing in life is wasted, even personal emotional experiences can give you a greater understanding and be put to good use.

So DF, thanks for your post, it was food for thought and it gave me a mumbling, insomniac inspired chance to respond without the mere mention of gambling. This is living I suppose in the real world and as you implied earlier in a post 'not dying.' For whenever we fill our days with what once seemed mundane as a gambler we are indeed living and long may it continue.

Hope the swans are well and you are in good spirits.

Lazarus

Hi DF,

Good to see you around the forum 🙂

I thought it was only me (not too selfish lol) that really struggles to find a balance on a forum these days. God it's so hard to express myself sometimes..I believe you understand where I'm coming from.

Enjoy the sun dear fellow soldier, life, beautiful nature and peace.

Take care

S x

We will get there (((((DF)))))

Thank you for being on this forum..even if you only read, good to have you by my side in soul.

So how goes it? Guess it been awhile since I showed my face around here. Can't say that time away was gamble free either. LOL yeah no better no worse just stuck in that repetitive cycle of going no where quick. Guess i need a better out look on it all. Seems when your down so long ya get accustomed to it all and seems normal in a weird way. LOL hell then wouldn't know normal if it slapped me in the face either.

Hope all is good with ya.

Never thought I would see the day when this site was used to congratulate someone on winning a bet they had placed.

No doubt it was intended to get a response but for me I shall just leave the site as it is sad that there is no monitoring to stop this kind of thing.

Hey DF,

Thanx for coming by with lovely words yesterday. Have to admit I nearly blew my lid seeing ur post...did start some not very appropriate posts on some other treads lol, but good job I never send cause as you say yourself, it is just some attention seeking and fire fueling thoughts. I am a bit disappointed with admin alowing that sort of posts, but hey, it is what it is..after some thought i asked politely on separate tread 🙂 saying that I'm surprised I'm not banned wiv my swearings and all that lol.

Anyway back to more important people and their recoveries. How is it going my friend? It's a shame our wheather is not settling down recently, but I'm sure the wiev of the river is getting well colourful and full of nature 🙂 hope you are keeping safe and allowing yourself some peace and calmness. Do selfishly miss your posts and descriptions about your days by the river, always gives me wow effect and peace to my heart.

Did meet up with a good friend yesterday. It's amazing how many lovely souls I have found on here and it turned into strong friendships. I appreciate each and every one of you and would lay my head to help out on tough days.

Sea was great, not the weather lol lol...but as always the main effect of peace is there. I live near the seaside myself, well it's about 40min drive, which I often use for the full potential. I think you might be pretty similar on this one, I take out so much on nature it gives me a well needed lift on many days. I don't see it as a loner thing or so, I think it's perfect time and place to look into ourselves, maybe even sort some dilemmas out at the time, maybe look at your past or plan your future ahead..mainly to have that time with ourselves for the moment in time, and it's great to feel fresh air and hear waves never stopping to run to the shore.The power and peace it brings is priceless.

Sorry, I seem to waffle on here ...on your tread. I hope you can see what I'm saying here, I know you do,..there is a lot of things to appreciate in life, sometimes little tiny ones makes a huge difference in our lives.

Good to see you around, please stick close by, not for my selfish read of the stories you so well write, but for yourself, to come any time, to vent out or share your day, to get the medicine, as Duncs well says...and to leave with stronger mindest intact.

Stay safe DF, always close by in my soul.

S x