Metamorphosis

......just a bump to remind u that I'm thinking of you and always here ready to listen.

Hope u enjoy the weather and the wiev on the riverbank.

((((DF))))

Take care of yourself

S x

Hi Dragonfly,

I don't post as often as I used to but, I do manage to get around the diaries a few times a week. Selfishly I miss some of the banter we all seemed to enjoy last summer. Hope all is well with you, and the Kens on the river Thames. -joanxxx

Just a quick call into my diary after a dreadful two weeks when I was at my physical and emotional rock bottom.

I spent that time trying to make a silk purse out of this sows ear in preparation for my son's big wedding and after a great deal of effort and much expense managed to look presentable.

An event that had twisted my insides with anxiety at meeting with ghosts from my past turned out to be a wonderful day and as my 7 year old grandson said as he pogo'd to a rock band at 10pm last night - this is just the best day ever.

Most guests stayed the night and met for breakfast and spent the day in the spa or walking the grounds and the day ended with my whole family celebrating my birthday which is today with afternoon tea in the sunshine.

Just home on my beautiful boat, exhausted, exhilarated, happy, sad and most of all determined to beat the demons once and for all.

This weekend I faced my past, my present and regained hope for my future.

Wishes to everyone and will repost when not so tired.x

Well hey girl and happy b-day. Sounds like a awesome weekend for you. Yeah sometimes just thinking about what may happen in a certain situation is way worse than going through it. LOL glad it turned out all for the better and some good memories to be had.

Hey DF

Happy birthday girl, I can't believe I missed it on a day..oh well, better later than never I suppose 🙂

Thank you for your kind words and soooo happy to see you in fighting spirit. Yep girl, grab ur life with both hands, good always outweighs bad and you deserve all the good in your life.

We are here and always be here...for good bad and the ugly - by ur side forever 😉

Have a good day and peace to you

((((DF)))) xx

You are so right Brokensoul as the anxiety leading up to the wedding was such a waste of energy and took me straight back to my old ways of coping.

Fortunately I was able to stop in time before any major damage done other than to my self respect but made me realise that my default setting is still in place and I need to be aware at all times of this.

Reflecting on the weekend as it made me understand that there are many things in my past that I have put to one side without really exploring my feelings which has maybe made it hard to move on effectively with my life. Seeing my ex husband who I was with for over twenty years has helped me realise I need to close that chapter of my life.

Many of my son's friends were ones he made at school and who regularly stayed as we had an open house and it was wonderful to be embraced by all these folks and spoken of as an integral part of their lives. Sometimes I feel insignificant and forgotten and realised my perspective is skewed.

All family have returned home and I have the week off so today I am relaxing on the river.

The swallows have arrived (I have to keep the upstairs windows shut as they swoop inside) the amazingly coloured mandarin duck and his plain brown ladyfriend are sitting preening on the bank, the robin (my irish fairy) is sitting on my windowsill, the dragonflies have hatched and a tumultuous cloud of them are catching the sun on their bright blue bodies and the Kenneth family with their four baby kenneths are tapping on the window for food.

I am surrounded by birdsong, I have wedding cake to eat and a book to read and the wonderful memories we made at the weekend. All 'normal' everyday things that I would not have if I had continued to waste my life and destroy my relationships.

Enjoy life everyone.

xxx

Hi Dragonfly,

What a lovely description of life on your river today! I can almost see the baby Kenneths and that cloud of dragonflies. You, relax and enjoy. Me, I am sending hugs and of course waving from my windy beach. I love hunting for sand dollars.... and, they are getting harder and harder to find. Good friends are like that. Take Care, good friend Dragon Fly. 🙂 -joanxxx

Well sounds like beautiful day by you and fantastic surroundings to boot. Guess i never really left the site and just not participating. LOL yeah i can get pi-ssy like that sometimes. Guess i was teetering around on the playing field again. Damage money wise bearable, but guess It's more the stress thing and mind games the addiction plays out on ya that ain't. LOL sure ya know where I'm coming from any way.

Hope ya have plenty more days like the one your described. Peaceful and tranquil, that's what It's all about.

hi broken soul i today and yesterday also had a slip and you have described exactly how i felt , it wasnt the money so much but more the mind games the addiction seems to play on me, ecspecially after i lost , any way keep our guards up, thanks simon

regarding last message meant dragon fly not broken soul sorry its late lol

Hey DF

Thanks for stopping by my diary (sorry its taken so long to get back!).

I am so pleased that the wedding went without mishap, although sorry to read about your pre wedding angst. I agree that often the fear of the unknown or new experiences (and the stress that ensues) can be worse than the actual event.

My "little darling" son apparently has no interest in wedding bells just yet, although I'm living in hope- I cant wait to be a harridan mother in law!!

You pop into my head often when I'm out with Paddy along the canalside- my local McKenneth family often triggers thoughts of this forum thanks to your descriptions of your escapades with yours!

I hope you're winning the gambling battle- does the struggle ever end I wonder??

Take care DF

Irene

x

Hi Dragonfly, I was watching a baby dragonfly in my garden yesterday and thought of you. I hope we have a kazillion of them this year as they feast on those nasty mosquitoes. Happy Belated Birthday, too! I'm glad you enjoyed the wedding and that it all went smoothly for you. I've been successful fighting the demons lately, though, easy to say without money.... though I suppose I should give myself a wee bit of credit as I could have accessed the measly 100 I have in savings bonds, but I didn't. Keep enjoying that boat and fighting the good fight!

Yesterday I thought I would tackle the flood damage in my garden but the third box full of muddy water contained all my precious papers I had kept, my children's birth certificates, their first drawings, my father's last letter all completely destroyed. How they came to be stored under a tarpaulin I have no idea. Carrying the smelly remains I tripped over a shoe scraper hidden in the undergrowth straight full weight onto my metal knee.

Lay there for ages in the rain and had a good cry, no one would know (Everley Brothers - Crying in the rain came to mind) as the boats drifted by - did they think I was rainbathing.

A day later and several hot baths to get rid of the mud and smell of floodwater from my hair and I am spending it in bed. I may not have all these reminders but I have he precious memories held in my head for ever (dementia aside) and a determination that this will not send me once again running to the devil for his aide and comfort.

Life is often filled with unexplainable sadness ( a colleague's son the same age as mine died last week as mine was celebrating his wedding) but it is finding a way of accepting the sad alongside happier thoughts and a balanced view that is surely the key to surviving this life, something I can't manage when the devil has my soul.

So I am sitting in my boat as the rain patters on the roof having fed the Kenneth family (we are down to three babies now) the parakeets are squawking their green arrival in the garden and the wet weather sailors huddled under their rainhats, too wet even to wave as they pass by.

I think my personality errs on the side of melancholy but today I have the insight to see just where my luck lands and I just feel peace.

xxx

(((((((DF))))))) - feeling at peace is more than we can ask for. Good to see you touching the base.

Stay safe and look after yourself my friend

S x

Awe Sh-it girl sorry to hear about all the damage and memories lost. Has gotta suck. Do think as long as that grill is just a charcoal grill and not a gas grill it should be good to go. Their kinda made to sit out and get wet. Boy you sure do seem to have problem with the rain lately and hoping all that blows over soon and nothing but good stuff comes your way. Feel for ya girl and take care.