Metamorphosis

Hi Dragonfly... and well done for not gambling. I undertsand totally the experince you went through. I was also sad and feeling moody when I DIDN'T gambling...as if i had missed out on something special. It wasn't until much later that a little wry smile appeared knowing that i'd WON that little battle with the gambling devil within.

and so, as you say, the search for peace and contentment continues...

warm regards... S.A

P.s talking of herpes, I have a couple of cold sores. Nice... not! 😉

Hi girl,

Hope all is well with you and you can finally enjoy the wonderful life around you on that beautiful river 🙂
Why not to get that clean sheet out and start painting it with wonderful colours to brighten your day.

proud of you girl, keep being kind to you and stay safe

Sandra x

Thanks Sandra but life is an absolute b***h at the moment and I am scared shitless as in the space of two hours had a call from my ex who I was with for 25 years to say he is stopping his cancer treatment this week and a call from my best friend of forty years to say her chemo has not worked and her cancer has spread. Selfishly i don't know how I will survive without these two people in my life. I will support them every way I can and I will not hide in my usual form of anaethesia as I need my cash, energy and emotions to be in place.

Fu*ck gambling,fu*ck cancer, Fu*ck everything

Hi girl,

Just wanted to add to my words last night -" follow your path you have chosen today".

Life is s*** and unfair at the times..still, world keeps turning.
I am here 24/7 my friend, unconditionally.
The offer will always stand so you don't have to go through all of this on your own.

Strength to you hun
Keep fighting

S xx

Spending time on my own today, a rarety these days, catching up on me things and enjoying the luxury, this site being one of them.

How strange that sounds that spending time on here I now deem a luxury when not so long ago it was my lifeline. Clean since new years eve but a daily battle nonetheless, temptation lurking round every corner waiting for the day I lose the internal battle with the gibbering monkeys in my brain whenever my mood is low, my body and mind tired or I feel the need to celebrate. They tell me that each can be treated with a trip inside the casino. I have walked to the door on so many occasions, retreated, returned more than once as the bitter arguments continue inside my head, a stranger watching would surely think me insane. Last time I bought a huge plant from the market so I had to head back to the safety of my car, driving home at speed to prevent the inevitable u turn.

My friend is writing her goodbye letters to her children, if ever I had an excuse to hide in the brain numbing anaethesia of gambling it is now, but I strangely feel that it would be a disgusting thing to do as I cannot take away the pain and the emptiness that her loss will bring, I need to find ways to cope and to use all my energy making my own life balanced and easier to live.

I have new medication, have lost nearly two stone in as many months and although there are many difficulties in my life, includng work where I went into meltdown earlier this week, they are all just part of living this life as my friend Joan so cleverly writes. It is what it is and I am me.

Hi

Sending you very strong and determined thoughts at this difficult time for you.

(((((((Dragonfly))))))) cuddle too because you are worth it,

Suzanne xxx

Hey DF,

Same as Joan, i want this wonderful diary on the front page so everyone can have a glimpse of how inspiring person you are.

Holding that rope and not letting it go darling.

Stay safe, at peace and look after yourself

S x

"...The dragonflies were flying round the lilypads in the river today, an omen that it is time. I will be back!!!".....besides i heard one very wise person saying that "In Japan dragonflies are symbols of courage, strength, and happiness." 😉
.... you will be waited on your come back with open cyber arms as always!...for now, enjoy your holiday...just keep making peace with your soul and never forget how memories matter in this life!..make many many happy ones..you're sooo worth all the best in your life. Never stop believing

(((((((DF)))))))

S x

Hi sweetie,

Thanks for dropping by and good to hear you're safe and sound. It must be so hard for you these days, your ex miles away in other country battling the most horrible disease of them all. Of course you miss him..that's human emotion...but just maybe he has found peace over there and wants to see that sun rising each morning and warmth on his skin makes him feel in harmony.
You need to put yourself first Hun..tackle each day as you so well do and looking ahead. I am sure that river brings much peace to you..that's a good start for putting foundations down to complete acceptance of yourself and creating peace around you.
holiday blues are the bummer so as i said, keep extra guard on cause all sort of emotions will come by uninvited..esp when you do such an responsible job my friend.
keep looking after yourself and never forget that we are all here..by the sidelines, holding the rope whatever the weather

Hugs Hun

Sandra x

Wow Sandra you managed to dredge up my diary from the depths so I will make an effort and write today.

Three months during which time I once again succumbed to the anaesthesia and lost my way along with my savings. Three months during which time I struggled with my own life while I watched my two closest friends in the world edge closer to death each day.

Three months during which time I became more and more disgusted with myself as I watched them make to most of every minute they have left whilst I frittered my life away in a dank, P**s smelling casino hiding from reality and the thought of living without them.

Three weeks of living in the wilds of Spain camped on the beach caring for someone special, 25 years is a long time, an opportunity to speak of the past and make memories to take into the future.

One week of listening to those that care for me and planning changes to my life.

One week of listening to the monkeys chitter chatter endlessly, will those voices cease in time, get softer, leave me in peace?

One day of feeling emotionally flattened, unable to even contemplate the list of tasks in my head, allowing myself to wallow in the feelings knowing my metamorphosis moves on to another stage never to go back.

Today I rest, my wings drying in the sun, tomorrow I fly.

Dragonfly

My dear friend we have walked this road together, a journey that has seen how truly brutal and fragile life can be.

Loss brings perspective to that.

I stand by your side, as always you know where to find me 24/7.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Just to say ((((Thank you))))

Ps..ya never know when i might move closer to London ( ya watch, ODAAT will b bricking it now :-D) and we can attend that ice show 😉

Keep being you lovely lady and embrace recovery one day at a time!

Stay safe..be kind to yourself

S x

Hey there lovely lady,

Thank you so much for your kind help the other day. I know i have my rights but not really in a position to fight for them lol..whatever happens - happens, let destiny decide (and a little extra work from me)

How are those dragonflies on the river? How those sunsets warming your heart...sunrises even better question! Here beside you all the way...unconditionally

S x

"Where Do I Belong

Life doesn't promise a bed of roses
Or white knights
Fields of emotions I'm trapped in darkness
Why me
Save me
To win this twisted war inside me
Won't justify the pain
Life doesn't promise a bed of roses

[Chorus:]
Lightening strikes the pages keep on turning
Help me to be strong
I'm floating in a sea of strange believers
Where do I belong?

Ohhh.. Ohh..

They paint a picture of perfect nowhere blue skies
Within every lie there's a web of comfort
For them
Not me
To win this twisted war inside me
Won't justify the pain
They paint you a picture of perfect nowhere

[Chorus:]
I said now
Lightening strikes the pages keep on turning
Help me to be strong
I'm floating in a sea of strange believers
Where do I belong?

Where do we go from here?
I wish I would disappear
I'm a lonely soul
So far from home

Yeah, yeah, yeah..

Lightening strikes the pages keep on turning
Help me, help me
I'm floating in a sea of strange believers
Where do I.. I said
Lightening strikes, I said lightening strikes
Floating in a sea of strange believers
Where do I belong?

These Anastasia song lyrics are where I'm at right now - drifting aimlessly through life. Wish my houseboat had an engine. If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

More like squashed fly than dragonfly at the moment. Just cant do this and don't know why when I have before.

Isolating as signed off sick with scary health stuff again, spent all week alone, can't communicate, can't sleep so how am I able after the hospital today to lose two months wages in a few hours. So easy these days to be a recluse, food delivered, computer and phone just written contact so no one knows how I really feel. Family engrossed in their own lives. Always look on the bright side of life - f**k off - living in the land of the undead. bla bla bla bla bla