Mild green hairy lip squid

Thank you Amom and Maybenow, i am doing ok at the moment getting my community service done and heading back to court soon for what i hope is the final chapter with them. Pretty decent reflective outlook you have there too Volcano and all is ok as far as i am concerned. Let's keep slaying the gambling dragon everyone that is what we are here for.

Many hands make light work Allainepo in slaying the dragon and I'm glad everything's ok... Progress not perfection the cliche that springs to mind.

I'm also somewhat pleased to hear that your getting the community service done as read previous posts and the understandable stress not knowing the outcome, I'll raise a glass for you once you get the finality of court and start the next chapter of your life.

I wish you well

So many angles to look at gambling and addictions, Peter Hithcens has stated in the past he does not believe in addiction, to him it is all pure self indulgence. That is his opinion not a fact. Huge losses while gambling have left me feeling awful and wanting to be dead. Gambling has been a problem in my life and i could never seem to stop. It wasn't having a terrible life that drove me to gambling, i was anxious, i was bored a lot of the time, i was maybe aloof, i wanted perfection in certain areas, i wanted to be constantly laughing. Pretty much i was living, i had a life and it was mundane in places, exciting in less places and probably pretty much like everyone's life. It became an all consuming problem for someone who shouldn't really have a problem. The family of a deceased Grenfell tower victim have an all consuming problem - how to cope with the death of a loved one. A starving family has an all consuming problem - they need to eat but have zero money for food. Bradley Lowery has an all consuming problem - he has incurable cancer at such a young age. Peace loving Syrians have an all consuming problem - they are being bombed and shot at by about 4 or 5 different groups of nutters. How could i look any of these people in the eye and say i had such a big problem i couldn't stop spending huge amounts of money failing to win smaller amounts of money? Even when i won back pretty much what i thought i had lost my whole life it still wasn't enough to make me stop. Surely that is pretty much the definition of greed? I was greedy i am pretty sure of it, anxiety can't have been the sole contributing factor. I wonder if i will ever fully come to terms with all the reasons for my gambling or if i can ever fully forgive myself for it as it was such a waste. I can't really expect anyone to define it for me if i can't define it myself, it's a bit like asking someone what love is. Thoughts, thoughts and more thoughts.

Dealing with past issues - Bullying

No bullying is nice of course but for bullies who were my own age or any i gave back i can live with those, we were all kids at the time. But being bullied from someone 20 or 30 years older than oneself is out of order IMO. I have never or would never dish out that kind of treatment but i have been on the receiving end of it from a few people at work and home. I don't have to be afraid of the things i was afraid of in the past and i am not to a large extent. I am however increasingly angry about it and fully capable of turning the tables on those bullies who are now no match for me physically just as i wasn't for them in my earlier days. I would never treat people how i was treated and rising above the treatment can sometimes feel like the right thing to do. Fight or flight? Physical fight or mental fight? I don't want to talk about violence on this Gamcare forum but i think in some cases it is justifiable. Maybe it is just a phase i am going through as i deal with my past issues and my feelings will change on the subject. After all i am not the same person i was at 30 or 20 or 10 so it stands to reason i won't be the same person as i am now when i reach 50. Time will tell, it always does.

Keep your fists by your side alainepo...Keep working hard & you will figure this out. If it helps, my anger is subsiding...I'm not gonna lie & say I'm prancing around singing Hari Krishna but I'm starting to accept that getting myself all het up about stuff isn't one of my top priorities anymore. You have an awful lot to process but doing so will make you stronger & even less afraid/uncomfortable/confused (whatever the negative stuff is) than you are now! Our madness wasn't greed, although I still struggle to accept that wasn't part of it but I have to say now that without that 'illustrious' career I wouldn't be the person I am today. I'll take progress over perfection these days...Strive for 5 - ODAAT

Hai Allainepo. I get you, I'm not as articulated as Odaat, so will take a lazy echo of her words.

Maybe relevant maybe not, but heard this the other day ' we mature with damage not with years ', so true. Your going through the process, your recognising and picking wisdom enroute.

Hi allainpo

maybe not relevant to you, but i think that often the underlying emotion behind anger is in fact sadness. And that anger is almost a way of avoiding intense feelings of sadness.

It feels easier sometimes to be angry rather than sad - maybe how we are programmed or how society tells us to react? But actually anger can be really hard to process. I've found that anyway - when I realise it's actually sadness, it's easier. Doesn't mean what someone else did is in any way acceptable.

Might not be relevant and certainly not questioning the validity of how you're feeling and or the wrongness of what happened.

Louis

ODAAT - i like your comment that we wouldn't be the people we are today if we hadn't gone through what we have put ourselves through, i think that often too and i am pretty happy with what i am today some of the time so i will keep going with that for now. I still have to fight my greed and i still claim my right to avenge past bullying with some kind of violence and i will deal with the consequences.

Volcano - Yes we carry our life scars with us and my pain sometimes gives me focus so not always such a bad thing you are right.

Cardhue - You are right, it is not relevant to me. I am not sure or interested in how posting on an advocate of hard gambling persons diary is relevant to you either.

Meanwhile, back in the legal proceedings, i have another court appearance on Monday where i already know it will be immediately suspended as i know my defence are still looking into my records and are not ready yet. I still have to go though only to walk straight back out. In many ways it is good for my current situation that the police and legal system are inept, i hope i never have to rely on that system though as i know how pathetic they all are. Maybe i could turn into an informant and get paid 10 grand like a recent child rapist got in Newcastle. Still back on the gambling front i am nearing 400 days without a problem gamble involving money. Can't be complacent though as i have been predicted to fail sometime by a fellow poster on here so gotta keep my eyes open for that. I won't be bullied on here also. Gamcare is pretty much like going into a bookies in some way, you can find what you want to find in both situations while meeting some nice people and some r soles also.

The football season is back which has been a path back to gambling many a time in the past for me, i enjoyed it a bit more last season without money on the results so lets keep that up for this season.

I won't be the bullied or isolated anymore and i have no problem these days dealing with cruel and nasty people who mistake their opinion for fact and go out of their way to make life hard for other people. These people should be treated with the contempt they deserve, what an awful miserable bunch.

Just a few thoughts for today.

A holiday is often a holiday away from myself, a chance to step out of my pathetic form and into something else. Of course at the end i have to come home to myself and back into the life i hate of working and aching everyday. Then there are the moments of clear thinking where i think i can get a different less physical job and get my aches seen to by the doctor. These don't last very long as a trip to the doctor usually ends with either a few painkillers or another unsuccessful resolution to lose a bit of weight or that it's just old age so they can't do much about it now. Then a visit to the job section with no qualifications and a look at physical minimum wage jobs or a visit with the adult careers service which washes out into well meaning nothingness. That sounds like a lot of complaining which it is but it is also weirdly contrasted to the fact that i am lucky to have been born here in the UK, we are still sexist and racist and homophobic and many other rubbish things but at least i can't be shot or thrown off a building for it. Plenty people change their jobs but unfortunately probably many more get stuck with the c**P ones they have now. I have done nothing much about it, i still eat too much, ok i have started a degree with the open university but that will take 6 years to complete, i should have started it 25 years ago. And then there is me, useless me in the mirror when i can bring myself to look in one, yet despite all this i am well off where i am so why do i still feel like this. I think i need to go back and see my GP asap and start talking about it again as it seemed to help last time but its very hard to change a feeling isn't it. I wonder what part of that space gambling used to fill and the fact i am not feeling a lot better is confirmation that this was there before the gambling, i can remember feeling like this as a kid, i still feel like a frightened kid.

I think were all frightened little kid's inside alainepo very unsure and vunerable at times so is /was gambling our shield of armour to hide behind our fantasy world to which we held the key that nobody else could gain access to ? .

As much as I enjoy my job ( most of the time ) I alway's long for change but change it's not something that comes easily to me . I am however now setting a plan for the next 2 yrs which will see me putting my business which has been in my family for 80yrs up for sale so as I can join my partner in full time fostering . I'm happy about this now after much deliberation on my part but even reading that last line back makes me slightly apprehensive but that's the whole fear of the unknown ting surfacing again .

Like yourself and at 56 I can't do the hours standing on my feet all day , I have one hip done and the others due soon and today have been sent for an xray to see if I have OA in my foot which is quite painfull , It's becoming about the mind being willing but the body's not so I can identify with the whole aches and pains thing :(( .

I guess were never too old for change and however small as long as it makes an improvement it must be good ?.

From one frightened kid to another , keep making those changes and pushing forward my friend :))

Thank you Alan that was a nice post to read. I wish you all the best on your venture also. A guy i know has been off work with anxiety and i bumped into him a few days ago, he was with somebody else who made fun of his anxiety diagnosis is i guess what he seemed a light hearted way. I wondered how my friend felt about the other lad teasing his anxiety, i guess with some reactions possibly rubbing people up the wrong way it's no wonder a lot of people keep a lot of things to themselves. I will make sure i speak to my friend soon and let him know he is not alone. I suppose anybody has the right to comment any way they want as long as they realise that the other person has a right to smack him in the mouth also. I wonder how many people i have upset with any stupid comments i have made in the past, another question i will never know the answer to, at least i can try better to avoid doing so in the future.

I can't explain it but while working in the job i lost for theft and then went to court for to receive a suspended sentence i was never myself. It was a big place with lots of characters there, mostly people who would put you down and want bad things for you so they could look better beside you. I hated the place, i mean really hated it. There were lots of bad degrading things said to me and it just got me down over the years, i didn't realise how down until i got my current job and could be myself and become more confident in my work. I wisj i had the courage to leave my old job on my terms instead of what happened but the main thing is it is now in the past and i can see that place for what it is, an awful oppresive place with plenty of failures working there trying to make themselves feel better by making others feel worse. It is hard leaving a job, very hard but i hope i bump into a few of those characters at some point to let them know a few things. Any of you struggling at work with the same issues have my sympathy and i admire your courage for continuing to turn up for work, you are far braver than the bullies who laugh on the outside but are soulless on the inside. I hope you can be even braver and find a new job and walk away with your head held high, if not i hope you can find the strength to stand up to one or two of those a-holes at work.

I went into a bookies yesterday, curiosity got the better of me with that new 2 quid maximum bet on my old nemesis, the roulette. Sure enough there it was the machine stopped taking money at 2 quid. Pretty obvious really, but it was nice to have it confirmed, i didn't even spin just cancelled it off and collected my deposit back. Spoke to the cashier when collecting my deposit and he confirmed the lack of action and we spoke about the closing of shops. I was not ashamed to tell him i thought it was great news as i had allowed those awful machines to destroy a large part of my life and had read more horror stories on here. Sure people will lose jobs but i hope they go on to find more rewarding careers. Industry and jobs die off and morph all the time due to legislation or environmental laws and i am certainly not sad to see these places shutting down. I don't feel bad for the loss of jobs, i feel bad that i was stupid/addicted enough to fund those jobs in the first place.

Anyway i am off the anxiety medication for now but still up and down with certain aspects of my life, i did pass my certificate of higher education this summer and have signed up for the diploma of higher education next year so that is progressing nicely. Further education was probably the best decision i made sat in a detention cell 3 years ago. Still plenty sad stories being posted on here of huge losses and people talking about drastic measures to get out of the problems they are in. There is still the problem of online gambling and awful depositing methods which can destroy people, very sad to read.

Dear alainepo,

I just wanted to send a quick response to acknowledge all the fantastic progress you have made; thank you for updating us on the Forum.

Wishing you all the very best,

Forum Admin