Monte Carlo or bust?

Accept not judge. Change the things you do and say. Look for the positive. Stop putting someone down, don't criticise. Stop arguing, talk. Listen. There are relationships torn apart by gambling. A gambler not willing to stop. We are powerless waiting for rock bottom. So when they don't gamble today that's a massive achievement, fighting the habit, changing daily routines. That's what everybody wants. I applaud that. I don't believe in berating someone everyday after. There are many who wish their partner had stayed, many who wish they had left. Either way support is what they are after.

Watching the sun come up, in the car, dj says. 'on his way back from the casino'! Someone calls into a radio stn on the way back, will I guess he's proud of it! Tried to watch tennis on Thursday had to turn it off, too many ads for gambling. So a constant reminder. Saw my sister last night, she wanted to talk, I told her last week back to GA and gamanon. I lost my cardigan and someone handed it in. So there is some good out there! Off to MIL this evening, wonder if she'll want to talk?

No she didn't. Neither did I . I'm the one not brave enough to broach the subject or spoil her day. I have been 'shutdown' many times in the past for talking about things she doesn't want to. Went out to eat, sat at opposite ends of the table. Back to hers, tv on immediately. Sat there showing my cg how many sports channels she has and how much it costs. I won't mention the tv company I think they are corrupt and just as bad as anyone else at taking advantage of gamblers, making money from advertising. Anyway she then spent the rest of the evening texting someone, her phone jangling every 10 minutes. Dysfunctional evening. My daughter kept looking at me, we have eye conversations, raised eyebrows!! What must she think?

Anyway my grandma's birthday today, thinking of her. The smell of Welsh cakes, sausage rolls always in her house when we arrived. Teaching me to knit dishcloths on wooden needles! She lived to 94. I have her handwritten recipe book, recipes my cg loves. I found out my grandfather was a gambler. He fell out with my uncle, at the time it was because of a silly argument! I didn't really get it, I loved both my uncle and my grandfather, it was sad. My grandfather died and they never made up, my uncle got to the hospital just before he went, but he wasn't conscious. My uncle regretted that for a long time. This was 30 odd years ago. My mum asked him what they fell out over, apparently my grandfather was a cg. My uncle wouldn't give him anymore money and they never spoke again. My grandma adored my grandfather, I have no idea if she knew. There is a family book bound in black leather the first page is a roulette wheel and all the slots are faces of my grandfathers family, his father, uncle, step mother etc. One of them broke the bank of Monte Carlo. I have no idea whether they died rich or poor. But how strange. My uncle has the book, I think there were a few copies. He has many tales of when they visited their grandparents. Women who live with cgs, my grandma and me.

Talked with my mum about my grandparents. Apparently my grandma did know he was a gambler, sounds like it ran through the whole family.

I can't believe what I'm reading. Yet another gambler thinks it's ok to lie to his wife and ask his parents to pay his debt, not hundreds but thousands. Not one of the longer serving members replies, admin is nowhere to be seen. I question what gamcare is about. Listening to that clueless man from the gambling commission on the radio yesterday. 'If you're an addict stay out of the betting shops, don't gamble' 'the numbers of problem gamblers has plateaued ' . It beggars belief. The whole scenario of a compulsive gambler is to be secretive, to lie, to hide. GA is anonymous. So if I start swearing and ranting gamcare can delete me. So how many cgs have they deleted? That's not help. That's just playing lip service to the industry. I heard that CEO of whatever quote 'gamcare'. I don't see gamcare talking to any of these people. I don't see improvement from counselling. I see relapse. I see wise comments from members who attend GA. I see people helping themselves and others. This forum could be anywhere. When I called gamcare, the guy told me 'well you seem to know what to do, I'll let you go!' Dismissed! Well as I can tell no one is reading or commenting on this, not that I'm doing it for that, but what is gamcare doing? Do people in the gambling industry that make millions from the whole population, understand what compulsive gambling means? Do they understand addiction? Of course they do, that's why they design the games, machines, etc the way they do. They want it to be addictive. They send begging letters asking you to come back when you stop. It's corrupt and it's bordering on theft. Playing on people's weaknesses.

I don't suppose people ever know what makes families tick , it can all become a little hazy .

Recently I was spending time with relatives on my fathers side , he by the way was a master mariner who lost 2 houses and 2 wives to gambling , he died a sad bitter man with no real friends . I noticed with suprise that people spoke fondly about him at the funeral , maybe just observing niceties . At the recent family gathering talk turned to my grandfather , with a smile someone fondly recounted the day grandad died , as she did every day grandma had put his bets on that morning and by a strange twist of fate his horses came in that day , quite an amusing anecdotal story . Nobody mentioned earlier times in the marriage when he would lose all his wages gambling , how he would come home drunk demanding a hot meal than throw it at the wall . I suppose families often live in denial as a coping mechanism or maybe it's just sweeping unpleasantries under the carpet . Sorry if I've rambled on a bit but it did seem pertinent to your posts ....stephen

Thank you Stephen for your comments. Everything around compulsive gambling is secretive it's attached to shame. I've seen pics of my grandfather drunk trying to carve the Sunday roast. The first GA meeting was in 1957 in Los Angeles, so there wasn't really any help for our grandparents. Online is going to be the downfall of our society. Encouraging secrets, enabling.

Deep breath before I write this. So when I found out about my cgs gambling I didn't understand, didn't have a clue where to go, looked to my father in law. Second time my husband went to GA and a member said his wife would come the week after and talk to me. We sat in the back, the smokers room. I wrote letters to head office and got literature, read all I could. I called gamcare. I would have loved this forum but I never found it. So for those that don't know, step 12 is 'carry this message to others'. So that's what a forum to me is about. When we come here we're desperate, desperate to talk, to help, to recover, to learn. So I'm conflicted, why? Maybe it's disbelief, maybe it's just plain anger. Or maybe it's just ... but really if you come here for help, take it with both hands. Deleting posts? Is that sticking your head back in the sand? It now looks like we were talking to ourselves. So you got a little advice and left. I know sadly from experience that it doesn't work like that. It will come back at you because the addiction doesn't only take the addict, it drags everyone close down that whirlpool too. Anyway today is my day, I'm still reading 'tails I lose' he's just about to be found out. It's giving me a view from the other side. The lies, the panic, the thrill, the self loathing, the desperation, the continuing, the destruction. The reality! It's a beautiful day, sun is shining!

I'm watching the news, the hurricane Irma, Jose is coming behind. Devastation of a real physical kind. 'Pie gate ' betting on eating a pie! I ask myself are the bookies desperate to make a market for that. It's everywhere you turn, adverts, news, newspapers, radio. In the book he's recovering, step 9. He made amends, wrote letters. If you don't go to GA do you still work the steps? Do you make amends? Do you work on being a better person? I sent an email to the Gambling Commission, you get an automated reply, 20 days for real person response and they don't respond to individuals! Another invisible moment. I'm making my first homemade dress, I'm trying anyway!

Hi MGR... I am so sorry for all the frustrations, anger, and sadness that compulsive gambling has brought into your life... I hear you and although it is my son not my spouse I can totally relate. It's that feeling of "this will never end". I agree it is frustrating because I know in reality this isn't a quick & easy fix for anybody... it doesn't just go away because you have decided "never again".

I haven't read the book Tails I Lose but watched a You Tube of him speaking at a church. He was a very powerful (and handsome:) ) speaker. Maybe I will give the book a go.

Good luck with the dress!

Cathyx

Hi Cathy don't be sorry. My life is good I just get frustrated. Dress is scary, trying not to make mistakes, this is practice one! Book is easy read, really interesting once he gets gambling. Thanks for your thoughts, support is always great.

'The best things in life are free' playing on the radio! So there you go, that's reality. Unfortunately no ones listening. On reading diaries and constant new threads of same person ( not anyone in particular) . Experienced cgs offering help , they asked for help and advice, they ignore them, relapse, make excuses and then they tell the experienced cgs they're negative. Reality is this, if you lie you will get found out. If you confess now you might get help and stop. If you continue the lie when you confess that person you hold so dear, will know you continued. They will know you fooled and deceived them and caused more and more damage. Not only financial damage but emotional damage to a relationship that will never recover. There is never a good time other than perhaps NOW! Reasons for gambling? What are you looking for? More excuses? Boredom, stress, emotions, inability to cope,...... the list is endless. You are an addict. In the beginning that's all you need to know, if you feed your habit you feed the addict. You have to admit, confess, surrender. It's not easy, but from what I see it's easier with real life help.

Thumbs up

So I finished my book, 'there but for the grace of god go I ' is a saying my husband and I have said sometimes coming from our meeting. It's a saying in the book. I'm not religious by any means but it is appropriate and comforting at times. We have to be grateful for what we have. Stop chasing unachievable things. Things could be worse. They say looking at yourself and listing your own faults is the hardest. I think too much, I take things far too personally, I take on others problems, I'm lazy, easily distracted. I told one of my oldest friends yesterday, we were at college together and met up again about 6 years ago. She's lived abroad the last 4/5 years and is back. We were in a cafe talking about her falling out with a friend. I have lost many friends over the years and I was trying to explain why. I said I'd confided in people and they withdrew from me. She wanted to know, she is my dear friend and she wanted me to confide in her. I could barely get the words out, I faltered, I cried. Then I just said **s a cg! The ground didn't swallow me up, but I feel it's a risk. It's what happens now that will decide if I made the right choice. But do you know what it's honesty, it's part of my recovery, I'm not hiding it anymore.

It's the most beautiful morning, sun shining! Finished my dress apart from hem! I can't believe I did it without unpicking. Both sleeves in first time! So onto a new fabric, same pattern. The first was practice for this, my sister gave me for my birthday. Going out later for my daughter's birthday. New book 'the beautiful dead' sounds like fun!