Moving on..Day 1 and on

sorry to hear that your grandad had a seizure glad he s alright now. I as a teenager saw someone have a seizure and know how frightening it is. I have only been on here a few days and the support is amazing just reading how much everyone encourages each other is great stay strong and remember any step to achieve your goal no matter how small is the right step

Hey Alex

Sorry to hear of your granddad not being well. Sorry also to hear of your slip. I know exactly how you must be feeling right now. I also know that if you do pick yourself right back up and continue with your fantastic efforts, as you have done so over the past 11 months, you will soon start to feel better again about yourself. It is only natural for you to feel that way about yourself, I felt the same. Thankfully though, those feelings will ease off, very quickly if you continue with your recovery. I am already 10 weeks on from my "moment of madness" when I gambled for 2 hours after 7+ months!! Put it out of your mind and bring back to the forefront of your mind, just how fabulous you have done up to now and then continue to do what you have been doing.

Well done for coming straight back on here and voicing your honesty and feelings. I am proud of you.

Take care and stay strong and determined to do what you are doing.

Feb.

Thank you Feb and Digglesnan. If anything it's brought back that horrible mixture of emotions that aren't pleasant and I don't need again. In my mind, I keep thinking play again but it'll just lead to the next and next bet, so I will call it a day on betting. More so, as I lost of course and also as I nearly played a bet that would have won. How stupid can I be. I'm exactly as I was, yet again. Mulling stupid bets over and thinking of the 'what if's'. Had I have won, it would put me deeper in the problem again. I would have gambled again. Thank god, I lost that 20 quid.

I have to be honest..sports bet ARE a problem for me, and I cannot kid myself that they are not.

Sorry for rambling on. I'm a mess at the moment.

Thank you Feb and Digglesnan. If anything it's brought back that horrible mixture of emotions that aren't pleasant and I don't need again. In my mind, I keep thinking play again but it'll just lead to the next and next bet, so I will call it a day on betting. More so, as I lost of course and also as I nearly played a bet that would have won. How stupid can I be. I'm exactly as I was, yet again. Mulling stupid bets over and thinking of the 'what if's'. Had I have won, it would put me deeper in the problem again. I would have gambled again. Thank god, I lost that 20 quid.

I have to be honest..sports bet ARE a problem for me, and I cannot kid myself that they are not.

Sorry for rambling on. I'm a mess at the moment.

Your not rambling but sharing which is what we all come on here to do share how we are feeling to help us make sense of what is going on with us and with the imput and advice of each other we will reach our goals

Yes, I am a compulsive gambler. Of this there is no doubt. I gambled again. I'm a hypocrite too, a lier to myself and others. I played away like those old unhappy days hoping for escape but found that nightmarish bubble again. A bubble, as it feels like I can shut everything out and stupidly think this may also help out with money concerns. It did not. I don't know whether to laugh at that or cry.

I feel ashamed, disappointed that I gave up on my recovery after 10 bloomin' months for a stupid bet, following by more stupid gambling games.

I hid away like old times, played on the old games and gradually that compulsion crept in and any ability to play sensibly vanished (that was a bit scary) until I lost. Deposited more money. Lost again. I felt possessed. It all started with a £20 bet too. If I can say this, thankfully senses returned and I regained some money and left whilst I had the chance. I have not lost more than £18 today, plus several hours wasted on one particular site. I won £2 of my bet back and gave up before I lost what I had. I could have so easily have dipped and dipped into my back account, but thankfully didn't. I withdraw the money I had on the gambling site, then got my brother to put in a random password into k9 to block the gambling again.

Not a great day. Cements in my however, something I won't be in denial about again- Sports bet are off like poker and roulette is, as I have no control. Gambling is still a problem, so I will choose not to do it again and focus on recovery.

Day 0. s h!t and oops 🙁

Morning after my slip. Doing okay now. Just have to realize that I can't gamble again, something I did well for 10 months until yesterday. Fortunately, my losses weren't catastrophic and the idea of chasing them isn't in my mind now. I'll try my best just to forget yesterday. Was upset yesterday, but now I just have to pick myself up again and continue on with this recovery. In total I spent 308 days bet free before this slip. I still see this a fantastic achievement and will continue on from where I messed up.

£18 is not a massive loss at all, but still I gambled it away and feel ashamed at myself for doing it. For some perspective, the same day I had to hand over £100 for an unpaid bill. My gambling could have easily have led to me losing more and more, maybe wiping out any money I have in the bank, but I chose against that as my common sense returned. I've been lucky really, as before I've gambled until I've had nothing left to live on. I won't get my £18 back and won't try to. It is lost. A haunting reminder of my worst periods over the last 2 years maybe, and something I don't won't to repeat again. The vicious cycle ends here, before it starts again. The bet chain broken. I am compulsive gambler and cannot gamble again. I must remember this always.

I cannot gambled anymore, it's that simple. I must stick to this.

So Day 1 begins.

Hi Alex,

Sorry to hear you had some dark days. But it's only a slip. Don't feed this addiction with ur emotions and keep fighting back. You come out stronger now, you know how it works and you are determined to keep on the right track. 10 months is a massive achievement and you doing right thing by standing up, dusting yourself down and kicking this habit to the back side.

I had a slip too..yes i beat myself up for it...but that way my bad emotions was feeding evil..so i just stood up and armoured myself with more knowledge and determination to keep fighting.

Stay close to your diary...keep posting, you are not on your own..we understand and never judge..

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION!!

You can do it

Stay strong

Sandra x

Wish I had seen you post earlier, Sandra, as I only reversed a withdrawal and gambled it away. And then I deposited more. I don't know what's come over me, I have lost the plot totally!

Combined losses are £70. Not much, but enough for me to nearly throw computer across the room in a raging anger. What a flippin' idiot I am. I am never gambling again, ever.

I closed the account immediately, several minutes ago. I start over now. Today is Day 1 again. I can do this. I won't beat myself up over this. I slipped up, but know I can't continue on that path again.

Truth is, I had urges and they were building up during the week and now I'm out of pocket as a result. I just get carried away and the worst of it, is it only sinks in when I finish and I've lost again. And I seem to just play to lose. I feel possessed by it.

I can't gamble, I must get this through my head. Not even the lottery, as it makes me think of scratchcards, then the all the online stuff.

Strong again I will be. This has been a dark weekend for me and it should be the final nail in coffin for gambling, as I know I can't do it anymore. My £70 and all my other losses from before are my down payment of a life free from it. I just don't need it anymore.

To my new beginning...

So 12 hours after my last post, when I was in a bit of a bother, now not so much. Just relieved the weekend has past and it's a new week.

What could this weekend have taught me?

I still have a problem with gambling.

I let my self-control go when I gamble. I get lost in it and it's completely on my mind again until I bet, then lose of course. Should be added, I mean in general. Winning bets are losing bets in the grand scheme of things. They keep you going back for more, and losing bets make me chase losses. Again, little self-control at all.

I gave in way too easily. I should not have gambled. It had been on my mind a lot before I acted on it, but the truth is I didn't need to do it and it's a step back from where I want to be in life. As has been said, a million times over - gambling is a mugs game. I know this, so should not have gambled.

I will learn from this mistake.

I will never ever fall for one of those stupid promotions that is all over the place to sucker me back in and keep me hooked.

I should never sign up to gambling site, as it tempts me back in to my old ways. So happy I self-excluded myself last night.

I will remember that even sports bets, something I never thought I had a problem with (probably in denial), can lead me back to square one. They might not be the biggest issue with my problem gambling (denial again) but have led and did lead to me losing money this weekend on other forms of gambling on one site.

I will not gamble on the lottery, scratchcards, as I have been as they fuel my urges to gamble online and did so this week.

I must forget my losses. My losses this year have been minimal, mainly as I hadn't gambled up until this last weekend. If I were to include lottery tickets and scratchcards with my weekend losses, the money lost due to gambling this year is just £100. Not much. In perspective, I lost this every other week when my problem was at its worse back in 2011-12. The most I lost in one weekend must have been £600 plus back in January 2012. My losses although not needed and annoying, are small this year. Forget them and forgive myself.

I should be thankful I'm aware I have this problem, as I have shown already that I can deal with it, live a bet free life and be happier without gambling.

I slipped up..I will pick myself up, learn from this and move on.

Get it in your head Alex, that life is better without gambling. Always, always better.

I have no reason to be depressed over this or upset. It probably would have happened sooner or later and there is much to learn from this slip. i am sure even if I had got to my year point on December 22nd, I would have had sports bet then or sometime after on leaving this site. In a sense, I should be glad my slip happened now, rather than then. In my mind for months, I was willing myself to get to a year, so I could gamble again. How dumb can I be. It's true though. I would have gambled, most likely.

I should never miss gambling. It brought me nothing but grief, empty pockets and an a dependency on stupidity, foolishness and reckless behavior that come along with gambling.

Focus on recovery. Don't focus on gambling.

Gambling is an unhealthy, costly, waste of time. And a waste of life.

There is no last bet.

I choose to abstain from gambling.

Remember all of the above.

reading your diary is inspirational as you are determined to start again and that s a good it shows your not a failure but a fighter who gets up when they fall and try again and that s all any of us can do .

Slips are very funny things I have to say. They either make you want to gamble more, which is just stupid anyway (but I did just that this weekend), or in my case not gamble at all (I'm at this stage now, I want to believe).

I'd like to think I've learned a few things from my slip this weekend and feel I have. In the main and probably repeating myself from loads of posts from before it is this..I should never gamble firstly. I have a problem. Quite obvious and why I'm here. It isn't pleasant, although like any addiction it may feel so at first. I think it has something to do with the idea of risk being exciting maybe. Then the rush of adrenaline as you either win or lose. This exciting risk might seem pleasant, but after you have played and played you soon discover the con of it all. Gambling has suckered you back in and your just losing money for the sake of a buzz. You might win, but you never truly do. In the end with this problem gambling your just handing your hard earned money over to hurt yourself and continue on an endless bet chain, until it either completely messes you up (again) or you stop and realize that you can move past it, live a bet free life and never have to repeat the bad old days when you were hopelessly hooked and in denial of your problem. I don't need this ever again.

Then of course, escape. To block things out and hide from reality or the past. I learned the hard way the first time round and was out of pocket and ended up mentally and emotionally screwed up. To repeat this again is silly. I don't need to gamble. The beautiful truth is that and that there is never anything that can be gained by gambling. Only pain, misery and a bleak future is what I get if I gamble.

Self-sabotage is out.

Self-improvement is in.

Change is needed. I need to be the person I could have been had the gambling problem had never happened and it's never too late. I was doing well about 2 and a bit years ago and I need to be back to how I was. Now is the time to start over. NOW.

I will work on me and try my hardest not repeat the same old mistakes again.

A great honest last post Alex.

I think it is a good point you make when you mentioned about getting to the twelve month mark. This could be seen as a time to become lax and consider that we could be ok to have the odd bet. Personally, after my minute slip, I think it has taken the pressure off me if I just keep in my mind my small but very powerful word I used at the start of my journey on her "NO" and rather focussing on particular milestones, I feel that if/when gambling comes to mind, I just need to simply say "NO".

Only today, I received in the post (for the first time) a £5. promotion. I looked at it, laughed at the thought of the amount of money this company is making, yet offering me a pathetic free bet of £5.00. This is return, would no doubt have to be wagered against probably 50 times this amount!! So yes, I looked at it, laughed and ripped it up into pieces and promptly put it were it belonged - IN THE BIN!!

Life is so much better for me without gambling and things are continuing to be as "normal" as can be under my present financial situation. Even this is a thousand times better than when I was gambling all of my money away.

Keep going Alex - I believe you have gone long enough to know the difference of feeling like cr** and feeling a sense of calm without gambling in your life.

Take care and stay strong.

Feb.

Hi Alex,

I agree with Feb here, very honest post and you are really weighing things out. You have learned from your slip..so did i from mine. No matter you win or lose..the emotional destruction hits you harder than anything. That's how we learn...we enjoy our journey to freedom and things like that just puts it all in perspective...

Never hive up giving up

You come out stronger after this hard lesson and know what to do next...stay on a straight and narrow.

Keep fighting

Day at a time

Take care and believe in yourself

Sandra x

Thanks to both of you. I won't give up on this fight ever. It's a soul destroying addiction that just ensnares and keeps you from growing as a human being. That might sound pretentious, but that just how I'll put it for now.

Anyway, being I went 10 months and counted days as milestones and the like, I decided to drop the whole notion of me being so many days from my last bet. I found it troublesome just recently. I may pick up on it later again, but for now I am bet free and that is all there is to it. Maybe I'll keep it to weeks though, like Feb. And have it in bold writing. That could be an idea. I'm unsure for now. We'll see after the first week is over.

My recent slip did indeed put me back to where I was before, the same thoughts and beliefs crept in, as well as the usual delusions and denial. Fortunately, I won't be continuing the bet chain anymore though. The greatest rush of emotions came when I closed the account and self-excluded. Control again. I was relieved it was over.

So this weekend I won't be back to where I was on Saturday and Sunday. What I found scary about it all was the ease in which I went back to my old ways. As I said, I just don't know what came over me at the time, but I have guessed it's many things, mainly what would have been my year milestone and the idea of betting on leaving this site. A blessing this slip will be, as I've said. I'm lucky my losses have been minimal and won't interfere with my life too much. Believe me, I've had worse months with gambling.

Abstaining is the key to this I believe. I cannot gamble and will choose not to in future.

Alex