Moving on..Day 1 and on

Thank you, Assiam.

Today I'm considering where the roots my gambling problem started.

Truth is up until 16-18 months ago, I didn't gamble at all and was very work driven, almost compulsively, sometimes from morning till night. Then one day I deposited £10 and very naively thought I'd be able to play poker and win. I consider myself a good player, but it took control of my left very fast and before I knew it, I was totally out of pocket and in the gambling rut. Work was put of the backburner and so I was even more so out of pocket.

A cycle appeared in my life as gambling took over my life- Get paid, gamble, get paid, gamble, start to lose, gamble more, get depressed, gamble, lose all my money, gamble more next time etc. I knew I had a problem, but thought I enjoyed it, so carried on. I was every online bookies dream customer- someone who gambled until skint. It wasn't until January that I got truly concerned, as I blew more money than ever and played poker for days. To a degree, my gambling decreased and I thought I had some control over it, yet even when I thought I had this control, I ended up out of pocket. I had one month where I was actaully up, but that was small change in comparison to what I had lost. A big turning point was the FA cup, this year. I had money on Liverpool to win and they lost. The words f*** this s**t, sprang to mind. After that my gambling decreased and I had some control but still lost money. Then again, my old ways, which do come back when you continue gambling crept back in my life, which was me totally out of pocket..again. But for the last time. I had had enough. It led me here and the rest is history. Or is it?

The root of my gambling problems lie in my childhood.

I live in a seaside town on the east coast with amusement arcades here, there and everywhere. As a kid, brain undeveloped you're a walking wallet to the arcades. So as a kid, probably my earliest gambling experience was at around about as early as 8-10 years old. At some points it was all me and my young friends would do at the weekend, go to the arcades, lose all our pocket money and then go home. Remembering how we'd all feel is how I felt as an adult after losing everything I'd earnt that month. We'd often leave the arcade after putting our pocket money in the fruit machines all depressed and glum, pondering over when the jackpot would come or missed chances to take winnings etc. Thankfully, even though arcades were a large part of my childhood, I didn't carry on gambling probably past the age of about 13. So I had been gambling 3-4 years on the 2p-5p fruit machines and often, maybe once a week. If I'm honest, I don't see fruit machines as a problem for me now...I even own one. Yet, then, they would suck every penny I had on me. I have a fondness for the 2p-5p fruit machines in a some weird and sick way. Sick in that the same behavior I exhibited as I child came back to haunt me almost 12 plus years later. Yes, the 5p fruit machines are not a problem to me and I even own one, but these fruit machines with the absurd 30p-50p stakes and £100-200 jackpots are not my bag, I hate them. I haven't played on a fruit machine in ages. The one in my room sits gathering dust. I must admit I do get tempted to pop in an amusement arcade every so often but common sense tells me to avoid them and leave to the kids with the undeveloped brains and the tourists.

Maybe in the future I'll see online gambling in a similar light in future... Yet, I don't have to wait. I and you already know the whole thing is one giant confidence trick that largely preys on vulnerable people. Fair dues to the man who can have one bet a week and not gamble anymore, but it won't be long before one of these once a week gamblers, is a once a day gambler, then a several times a day gambler. The bookies know this. The bookies want this. Avoid the bookies, online or the high street. Be strong, you can see through this s**t now, people.

-Alex

Proud at not having played poker in a month, as well as blackjack and roulette come friday but ashamed of myself for betting on the footy last Saturday. I feel such a hypocrite because I have the urge to bet this Saturday. I feel I am getting somewhere but I keep thinking one more bet. Someone slap me round the face with a large fish please!

Hi mate. Cheers for your support.

Don't beat yourself up too much about having a bet. Next time you have an urge, remember how bad you felt and use it as a positive.

You're not going to bet Saturday mate. You know you're not.

lol lol lol which fish ya prefer minnow or shark? lol dont beat yourself up and just move on to today.

Thanks for the support. I do feel I'm getting somewhere and to not have played poker for as long a period as a month is so alien to me, but I don't feel like playing at all, not even the free games. Poker was my gambling problem in the main, so to be without it is only a good thing.

Can't say I'm free of sports betting, as I found myself putting a bet on yestday for Saturday. Only small, but I still feel like hypocrite being here. I want to stop but saying it and doing it is what I'm finding hard as I only bet small and only bet on my team. After Saturday however I am conceding to to the fact that even these sports bets must go and I won't be gambling anymore.

Come Sunday I want to start over and pick up the pieces of what has over the last couple of years been a broken and tragic life. I need to move on and forget, otherwise it would be unnecessary torture.

Yes, I am disappointed in myself for having bet but giving in like that now makes me more determined to give it up for good.

-Alex

Feel a bit of a loser for messing up. I was doing so well then I go a f*** it up. No, I haven't gambled all my money away again- I just feel incredibly guilty for those two sports bets.

Oh well, Sunday start over.

*Slaps own face with large fish*

lol poor fish be taking a beating. dont let it get ya down. we aint perfect people and sure aint a perfect road. fell on me own face plenty and still doing it meself from time to time. try limiting what ya can get at for cash even if it means putting most of it on bills when ya get paid, if ya leave yourself with just enough to get by the damage is pretty minimal if we do screw up. keep fighting it gets better.

Don't beat yourself up to much about slipping. It happens to all of us. Just start a fresh and be positive. I hope your well. Have a good weekend.

Nicki

Thank you both for the support. I actually feel great at having not played poker, blackjack, and roulette for a month. I don't have the urge to play any of it, but the sports betting and in particular bets on my team will be a hard to give up. I want to give it a go though, so will be taking part in the Imran's bet free thread challenge to be totally free of all of it for three months from the 18th November.

Assiam, I took your advice. Although I don't have bills to pay as I still live at home, I have rent so I withdrew any wages today so I can't bet using the bank account. Having money in my bank account has been my downfall, so it was best to get it out. My paypal account still has money but it won't be used on gambling. This sports bet for tommorow is my last, hopefully for good, and if not for at least a few months.

Poker has been my problem, so to not have played for a month is setting me on the path to total freedom from all gambling. Things are looking up.

Here goes...Today (18th November 2012) is my first day of complete freedom. After what I'll consider my last day as a gambler yesterday I'm entering the three month bet free challenge to be rid of it for good. I will suceed. I will not let myself down. I am not a gambler anymore.

"Where there's life, there's hope."

Okay... Gamble free. DAY ONE. I have had lots of gamble free days under my belt, my longest run being three weeks without gambling, but I gave in. Today I say to myself no more. This is it. Day one is over. I did not gamble today.

-Alex

Day 2...Gamble free.

Pretty mixed feeling with regards to this all. I'm glad I'm not gambling, but part of me will miss the poker. It's mad really, as poker has lost me a lot. Maybe it was the addiction I was a slave to in the main. I need to realize that and remember.

Saturday was hard, it felt very final. This is it, I had to tell myself. I gambled that day. I practically went back into my old ways with hours of gambling, mainly poker. Thankfully, I didn't end the day, or my days as a gambler completely broke, but still felt a fool at the end of the night.

Good riddance to gambling.

On a up note, feeling positive, and really wanting to see all the gambling where it belongs.. In the past.

Best of luck to everyone pledging to be free of gambling for at least three months with the challenge.

-Alex

I know it's late but just lately my sleep has been all over the place and I can only blame myself. I need to get my life in check as my compulsive behaviour, not just gambling is affection my life so much. I need to stop playing video games, as well as gambling. I am gamble free at the moment but any free time is wasted on games. I need to wise up.

So a message to myself ... cut the games out too... do something else, something productive, creative, anything but games or gambling . You can do better than this.

Gamble free.

-Alex

Haven't gambled nor do I plan to today or anytime soon. So Day 4, gamble free.

I still find it a little hard to cope, but not so much the urge thing, more so that playing poker was what I did of evening for quite sometime on and off. It's finding something productive to replace it and regain a little control of my life again. Fixed one of my old bikes up, so that might be it. It's motivating myself which will be the first step though, to be riding again. I used to cycle for miles and miles. It really depresses me that I got to the stage where gambling and other things stopped my cycling.

TO MYSELF - A couple of evening a week you must get riding again.

I'm going to read a book over the next couple of weeks, one suggested by someone on here, maybe that will help a bit. It's called 'THE CHIMP PARADOX'. Self-help and looks an interesting read. There we go, something productive.

TO MYSELF - ALEX, READ THE BOOK, YOU LAZY SOD!

Gamble free today and many days ahead.

-Alex

Gamble free day 6...

Feel I'm really getting somewhere now. My life still seems a bit out of control but not gambling is helping and I feel I'm slowly getting some control back. Self-discipline is the thing I've really lacked over the last year. I've been in a sort of zombie state, that turned me into something I never was before I gambled, namely..very lazy, not very work driven etc.

Before I gambled wasn't perfect. Just the year before I started seemed the worse. I was paying off my dads debts and two relatives died very close together, one suddenly and the other very slowly from lung cancer. One of the relatives dying meant I had to provide child care for my mum, which I never wanted to, but felt I had too. The stress of it all seemingly built up and when I got stressed later on I gambled, which made me more stressed, so I gambled more. It's crazy when I think about it. It helps to write it down though.

Note to self:

I need that self-discipline I had before again.

Hope everyone is doing okay.

-Alex