Moving on..Day 1 and on

Did well today. Instead of gambling as I would have done before, I treated myself to a few games to help take my mind off gambling. Still possibly wasted money, but don't have those nagging feelings of dread and guilt which usually followed the loses of a days gambling.

Also...

A clever gambling advert with a take on the film 'attack of the 50ft woman' expressing the wonders of their new online casino caught my eye today, but I just shrugged my shoulders, sneered at the telly and gave it the finger. Win. Win. I love how these adverts show such happy people. Most people who turn to gambling, and including myself are usually unhappy for whatever reason. Those bloody bingo adverts are the worst for this. I don't really advocate violence but I often feel like punching or kicking the telly to death. Glad I don't watch that much TV, however there seems to be a lot of these ads about at the moment, even when I pop on the TV for five minutes. Another offender is RAY WINSTONE. Every football match. Every break. Very annoying.

Again, more reasons to never gamble my money and give it to those conning bookies. Can't say I'll be gamble free for life at the moment, but I'm working on it.

Hi Alex

Great Diary.... I would not say money on games is money wasted.

It is money on something that you like doing, with the bonus that it will stop you from gambling.

Keep up the progress well done.

Thank you for your kind support, onlineaddict. It's quite amazing really. When I was an addict, I thought nothing of just throwing my money away. This time last year I was at my worst. I went through hundreds of pounds and stayed up for hours and hours playing poker, not really aware that what I was doing was harmful. It felt like the ultimate escape from my problems. I now know what utter cr** that is now though, all part of the illusions and mind trickery we play on ourselves as gamblers. I am an addict in recovery. I'm far from completely clean of it all. I often think of putting bets on, but I'm aware that it's one step back into that murky world of self-deceit, lies, and emptiness. I choose not to gamble. I see s**t as s**t, gambling is s**t.

Bit of a silly time to be posting but I reached my first milestone of a month without gambling. Not really had much in the way of urges since my last and final slip. Well, kinda..the fight is on, and I'll have the odd thought about a bet or whatever but that feeling of the need to gamble isn't there. Doing very well but need to focus on improving my life now. This is a start.

Hi atk

Hope you had a nice weekend.

I know what you mean by wasting all that money for nothing.

Also go one day at a time and if you get the toughs to gamble put a bet on your self of not gambling. its a grantee win instead of the bookies.

Thanks Inram. I like the idea of putting a bet on myself not to gamble. I just couldn't bring myself to setting up another account on a bet site anywhere at the moment, or at any time soon. I don't want to and won't do it. I should and will be okay. Another slip would make me ill. I don't want to put myself through the last two years again.

I am a bit depressed at the moment, not overly, or always , but it's more about motivation. I used to just be able to jump on my bike and go out then ride for miles..at the moment I'm finding that difficult. Or on my off day, on Thursdays I'd go fishing. Again, I just find it difficult and haven't been for months.

I'm not giving up on myself just yet, but need to push myself. It's not like I've lost all motivation and I hate being idle, but my current circumstances at home and in relationships are not good, plus there's the gambling bug I've had, which I can soon look back on as a bad memory which I've learnt a great deal from. It totally saps your energies and leaves you feeling like cr**. Whilst I can hold my head up and say I'm a month free of it, I still need to work on improving my situation in other areas of my life. Two goods starters are these. Cut down on my gameplay..I sometimes play for way too long and have just turned it off. Need to have a break from it. Have a Sherlock Holmes book I'll read instead... This will be a challenge!! Also, Smoking. I need to quit. In terms of being lost and something having control over you I put it up there with Gambling. I use a e-cig as well, which does help and has helped me quit for a long time before, but you take in nicotine, and it breaks, you rush to the shop for tobacco. I've quit smoking many times. Sometimes for long periods, but I owe to myself to stop for good again.

Despite feeling low though, I know I'd have felt twice as bad had I have continued gambling, so there's a plus.

Need to be positive. My situation isn't too bad, but I need to take some action over areas in my life where I've been weak.

Wish me luck.

Round 1: Gambling KO

Round 2: Gaming & Smoking - Outcome to be decided soon.

-Alex

Today was a downer, my team were knocked out of the cup by Luton..still, it certainly makes me happy that I didn't bet. A good day on that front, all in all. Can't quite believe how well I'm doing now. Very happy as a non-gambler and not a mug. 1 month and so many days cleared. Very positive but need to channel my energies into being more productive and creative with my free time.

I believe I'm about 40 days since my last bet, give or take a day... Anyway, had to post as last night I had those urges again, the urge to bet on football. The weekend and transfer talk is to blame really, and reading a story about a near big win of 500k on mail online. After I read this article about a guy that nearly won 500k I really wanted to throw a bet to the point where I was sweating and panicking. Alas, I did not.

Yet, the gambler in me keeps on reasoning why I should gamble again, particularly on sports bets. Not poker, not any roulette, just sports bets, and only sports bets. I keep thinking of my big wins and I'm sort of wanting for another ***, but at the same time I know it's a step back, and it'll only lead to more problems. I need to be sensible. Two years ago my life was fairly good and I did not gamble. Why do I need to now. If anything, I should feel the need not to gamble even more than two years ago knowing what hassle comes with it, how it eats up your time and leaves you broke. I can not gamble.

I want to grow as a person, not turn into a withered wreck waiting for the next fix and dreaming of the "Big, Big" money.

A sense of perspective (to myself)....

1. I have done well to reach 40 days.

2.Gambling only led to problems, there was nothing gained from my lost months in the hell hole of compulsive gambling.

3. It will not solve money problems. There is no big win. Besides, big wins often lead to a bigger problems as a compulsive gambler. I know this personally.

4. Remember being that non-gambler again from two years prior. It wasn't so bad, despite this problem or that.

5. Remember this time last year. How can I forget. Remember. This is why I want out of gambling for good. The days and days of poker. The lost hours and days. God, this annoys me more than anything. That lost time and what I could have been doing instead.

--

I'm in a bit of a dilemma but posting here has cleared my mind for me.

To cut it short...

I will not bloomin' gamble!

-Alex

Still gamble free, now 40 days plus. Going well. Saw a great film about a famous gambler in Las Vegas earlier called Stu Unger, a 3-time wsop champion, who won and lost millions and dropped dead aged 45. It was a good film and showed was can result from compulsive gambling, as he was one of us. Was worth the watch. Really glad I saw it as I didn't feel like gambling after it finished.

Don't know if it was stupidity or not but I've just been f*****g around on the playstation home game sim. Well, anyway... There's a casino in it. You also get 200 free chips (really all pretend money). I popped in. And...you guessed it, I lost all my chips. Sigh. It is so true to life.

Gladly I will say It didn't make me feel like gambling for real money, thank god. I just turned the d**n thing off and thought how dumb it all was (gambling), in real life and in the virtual place.

I still like poker, I won't deny, but playing for money..not for me. It's everything else I see as stupid- roulette, slots, games of chance and no skill. Games which I lost money on the past. Though I don't deny losing 3 grand on poker either. Yet, it was the chance games which made me want to stop for good.

Very happy not to be gambling right now and hope to continue on like this for as long as is possible. Hopefully for good.

-Alex

Hi atk85

Thank you for your post.

Their is not much differences in the virtual world and the real world when it come to gambling.

We always walk away as a losers and the bookies are the winners you did the wright thing by turning of the console and think of the past but don't let it get you down as you are unable to change the past but you can change the further.

Stay strong and gamble free

Hi Alex.

Sorry you have been a little down. I suppose feeling down can be seen as similar to having an urge/craving to gamgle in that we can have this feeling for a period of time and then, there will come a time when we do not feel as down and gradually start feeling better about things. I think what can help us with this, is not to think back to when we used to win/how much or, how much we have lost (which has been one of my big things to make me feel very down). I think it is important to think of things/do things to make us feel good again. Whether that be looking back at the costs and benefits of gambling (which I know in everyone's case on here, the costs have far outweighed the benefits). Or to think/do something we enjoy.

I am now on day 18 of my little one liner "It;s another day, it's another "NO". I deceided for now, I just want to keep it simple and the word 'NO' I feel is short, simple and straight to the point. Being straight to the point is something I usually am with lots of things so I am going to try it with this too.

I haven't had any urges whatsoever to gamble, rather, I am thinking more and more of how I WILL NOT be gambling again, which has to be good. I have found though, that since joining here and completing a recovery diary, I feel that I am thinking about it more than I think I would be if I wasn't writing one!! I am hoping that is just normal in the early days??

I did write my first mini goals last night however, for my next payday, which has always been my huge trigger. I am relieved though already, knowing that my salary will not be gone before the sun has even had time to rise due to the blocks I have in place. It will be lovely for me not to even anxiously have to wait those hours before for my salary to hit my account just so I can lose it all!! I just noticed that in my lest sentence, I used the word "anxiously" what a feeling and what a horrible feeling!! Since deciding to stop, this has been one of them very horrible emotions (that my gambling has brought about) that has now eased enormously, along with many others. I find great comfort in this, in the very short time I have been gamble free.

Me and my friend Will (Power) are doing this together - along with all my gamcare friends of course!!

Take care and stick to the "Bright side of the road" just like me and Will!!!

Speak soon.

Take

Thank you for both of your replies, it means a lot.

Feb, I was exactly the same. When I was a gambler I couldn't wait for that money to hit my bank account or money to be in paypal. Now I just think how daft it all was. I was an addict, I suppose. As a low-income earner I haven't gambler vast fortunes, but it's been enough for it to be detrimental to me. Gambling has affected my work and home life. I stupidly often sought solice in gambling to get away from it, especially when my young brother was mentally ill (something I don't think I've mentioned before..it was painful and traumatic - I didn't cope well). I feel quite silly now. I know I can do, as I have done before.. Which is to better myself and grow as a human being, and not wither away because of addiction. I choose growth. Still though, life isn't always rosy is it...It's a peaks and troughs thing, with ups and downs, handling it and having control when at those lows is essential. In recovery and being here we'll get there and be free.

All the best

Alex

“Mistakes are almost always of a sacred nature. Never try to correct them. On the contrary: rationalize them, understand them thoroughly. After that, it will be possible for you to sublimate them.”

- Salvador Dalí

Doing well. Thought I'd share the above quote. Now at Day 48.

Hi Alex

Well done on reaching day 48. I can relate to the ups and the downs you refer to, I have just posted on my own diary about how difficult I have found it recently to deal with some recent problems now I can't hide and escape from them thru gambling.

Anyway, the main reason for posting and saying hi was to let you know your recent post on 'A new life's' diary really had me laughing - that being that you always give any gambling adverts the finger when they come on tv 🙂

Stay strong

LA