Moving on..Day 1 and on

Dear atk85,

Your last post touched me, I lost my hero, my best friend, my father to cancer also. It's extremely hard to witness a loved one dying a slow death as lung cancer. I 'll never forget the last nite I sat up with him as he struggled to breath in O2 from the machines he was using. And the next mourning forever changed my life. I wish I could hug him again. That's when it all started for me, trips to the casino to numb the pain. We all know where that ends up. So i'am trying my damnest to make him proud and hope he can forgive me for being a fool. I never want to step into the devils playroom again. I wish everyone the best in there recovery.

Sincerely,

Chicagoguy

Thank you, Chicagoguy. It means a lot. I just can't quite believe what a mess I made of things. I was doing really well, had a couple of low points then bam. I am really down at the moment but I know gambling won't solve my problems. I know I can't blame someones death on these problems either. It's all mental baggage though that I feel should come out tough to help me along the way.

There is no perfect life, we just have manage as best we can.

The two deaths affected me emotionally, quite strongly. Especially my uncle, as I never got to say goodbye. It could just so have easily been the same with my stepdad though. I really had to push myself to go round there and when I did, I burst into tears as he approached me.

Very strange business Cancer is.

He really appreciated every moment he had in his last weeks, his life nearing its end, he had a peace in him which I never seen in anyone else. The day he died, I went round to see his body. It was the first time I had seen a body too. I'm not a particularly religious person, but believe there is something- a divine being, someplace we go. His body to me, that day was a shell. He had left this world.

The whole experience definitely changed me but again I don't blame gambling or anything else on a person dying. I made the choice however stupid to gamble. My mind was thinking, when I started, like this though...life is too short, have fun. A really negative mindset, I think now. Gambling took me to some dark places I don't want to repeat. Yes, life maybe a short journey but gambling won't make it an easy journey.

-Alex

Hi Ales

Sorry to hear about the news which is making you feel sad and down right now. Sadness is not a nice thing but in time, it does pass. I remember when I lost my Dad who I idolised.

Stay strong and just keep reminding yourself how far you have come so far and how well you are still doing despite your grief and upset.

On a brighter note, it's payday for me. All my bills are paid, however, my treat which was my Elemis facial at Harvey Nicholls (birthday present as you know) has had to be cancelled!!!

I was in the garden yesterday spending some quality time tidying a few things up and organising my pots. Well, I lifted a really large pot, filled with a small tree so to speak then I just felt something twist!!! That was it, I have been in agony ever since. I have been really looking forward to my little treat to myself but I knew it would not be at all beneficial If I were to keep this appointment. I have now changed it to next Thursday so I have still got that to look forward to.

I have still got a little bit of money to spend on myself however, now that all my bills are paid so going to buy myself a little treat having reached the one month mark and my first payday free from online betting transactions!!

Stay strong and keep posting your thoughts and feelings. It's good to do this.

Take care

Feb.

Hello Alex

Im a fellow online gamer a lonely world we live in. in stead of nights out it would be the laptop and a bottle wine . I understand alot of what your saying .we all doing the right thing leaving gambling behind us for a better future

Chin up mate

Paul

Thank you Feb and Paul. I'm doing better than I was, I will say that.

The fact that I gambled was down to emotional high and lows though, if that makes sense. My life has changed a lot of the past few years, but who's hasn't. Life is constantly changing for everyone.

Death is part of it. Having my own close shave with death is something I really need to appreciate, in that there are others who get knocked down as children by cars and don't survive. It was and is still very traumatic even though it happened when I was only four years old. I can remember little things about that day as clear as anything, it's quite strange. I feel there must have been someone watching over me. Even though I had a fractured pelvis and other broken bones, a blood clot in the brain and more, I survived. I'm really very fortunate to be alive, let alone lead a relatively normal life. My legs are funny, sometimes they'll be fine, then I get aches and my gait will go funny. Other than that I'm okay. Death doesn't frighten me at all. The thoughts of people dying does, particularly if they've been close and I've broken contact. That's probably why I took the death of my Uncle so hard. I was a wreck when it happened. I'm okay now though. It was my first experience coping with death, so for it to happen twice in the space of a few months was hard on me. We learn from things like this though. It's how we grow.

Anyway, I am doing well. Today is day 60! Quite amazing, I've gotten this far. I really felt like giving up back in December, which would have meant more endless months of being skint. Not anymore. Still pretty poor, but not totally skint. 🙂

Oh yeah, I saw an amazing film yesterday. I don't know if you've heard of it or read the book. It's called 'Peaceful Warrior'. It's very inspiring and gave me a real lift after watching it. There's so much wisdom in it. I feel almost changed by watching it. It really made me think differently about the moment, the now we're all living in. I recommend it.

Search for 'Peaceful Warrior' on youtube. 😉

I bought the book online earlier. Can't wait to read it.

Also see the inspirational movies thread on the overcoming problem gambling page here.

All the best,

Alex

Quite ill at the moment. Flu of some kind. Cold, sore throat, glands swollen, aching all over etc.

Not feeling great but the last time I was this ill I still gambled like a fool, seeing it as remedy for sickness. Not anymore. 🙂

Being ill is rare for me, though it certainly makes you appreciate being alive and in good health later on when you're better.

Also, this could be a good time to quit smoking, so in a way it's a blessing.

Day 61 today. Gamble free, ill, but happy.

Hey Alex,

Get ahold of some hot chicken soup and a good movie. Hope your feeling better soon. So true what you said about not feeling well but still drag yourself to the casino, did it many times. Congrats on 61 days gamble free, I'am looking forward to that 90 day mark, your almost there. When I get there I'll have to treat myself to something, maybe some nice clothes. Take care and well done.

Sincerely,

Chicagoguy

Hi Alex

Day 61 is fantastic. Well done!! Sorry that you feel ill, flu type symptons suck. Get your blanket down and watch a good movie. I like a good horror when im ill :).

Yes today would be a good day to quit. Ive bought those electric ciggies in preperation not sure if they will work though, but really want to quit.

Hope you feel better soon, take care

Nicki xx

Thanks you both for your comments. I am doing a bit better now. This morning was tough. I just lay in bed. It did the trick though. I feel better now.

I have an electronic cigarette, Nicki. I've quit for months using them, but as soon as they break I'd rush out and get tobacco.

I think I'm just gonna stop using both. No tobbaco, no e-cigs.

I would recommend an e-cig though, if you want to be a healthy smoker. The technology was useless about 3 years ago, but now they're really good. If you get one, grab one where you can top it up using the liquids, you'll save a fortune. Most importantly, use a reputable brand. There are a lot of cr** ones out there, you see.

The day thing is something I've ignored focusing on for a while really. Early on, it's either a help or hindrance. Now it's good as a motivator. Early days you're more prone to slips. But once you past the first week, then second week, it gets easier. I 'm very happy to be 2 months gamble free tomorrow. I feel blessed that I found this place.

Thank you again!

Now all I need is a film to watch, chicagoguy ;).

-Alex

Hi Alex.

Sorry ro hear you are not well. My son has bn suffering with the same since Sunday. Sounds like a good time to quit the "yucky yucky's!! I hate everything to do with smoking!!

Hope you are feeling much better tomorrow.

Take care.

Feb.

Feeling much better now, bar the odd bit of a cough, my flu (if it was) is going. Anyway, doing well. Another Saturday which would have been my usual time for a gamble has nearly passed. I won't be gambling in the hour of this Saturday I have left :). No urges today, no urges for the past week for that matter either.

Stayin' strong. 🙂

-Alex

Hi Alex.

Glad you are beginning to feel better now. Another great week of non gambling for you, especially mastering your trigger - Saturday's.

It's thr start of my week 6 today. My back is feeling lots better now which is good.

Take care Alex.

Feb.

Had a good long bike ride today which really helped. I'm getting back to doing the things I used to do gradually, cycling being one of then.

One thing that is bugging me is my 'checking' problem. I constantly check before I leave the house to see if this or that is turned off, if I locked the doors etc. Sometimes, I check about 5-10 times to see turned the gas off etc. It's becoming so annoying. I'm worried I'm going bonkers. I know all about OCD, and in many ways it ties in with my gambling problems as they were. Of late, maybe due to stress it had been becoming more noticeable. I must take control. I've never been diagnosed nor wish to be as having OCD, but it is a problem when I'm leaving the house.

Anyone else have this sort of problem?

Is it common in gamblers?

Any ways to stop the crazy unsureness of whether I did that or is that locked?

I'm not at the Peeing in jars Howard Hughes stage yet, but this checking business is making me so anxious and annoyed at myself. I just completely lose control. It is a pain.

Regardless, OCD or not, I'm gamble free and determined to be for a long time yet.

-Alex

Hey Alex,

Just read your last post, I'am o.c.d. also. Goes all the way back to when I was ten or eleven. It's gotten better over the years but I still have many traces of it left. Everything has to have its spot and be lined up in a certain way on my dresser, like the shoes nice and lined up also at the front door, keep my radio station on the same channel every time I turn off the car. Every thing has it's certain spot. Stuff like that, you know where I'am comming from. I wish I would've known what o.c.d. was back when I was a kid, there were times I thought I was going mad. I remember not being able to leave my bedroom without flicking the lightswitch 4 times up and down. You have to just laugh at it. Next time you get that urge, I know that feeling, just check the door once and walk away, I know it's hard but each time you do that you will push those urges to check the door further away. Count backwards from a 100 while your locking the door and continue to do so as you drive away or bike away, it will help you. I think what's happening is our urges to gamble are transfering onto our o.c.d. So just give it a laugh were not crazy, were just very organized and meticulous people. We like to check and double check thats all. Remember our brains are trying to trick us back to gambling, were not going back to that, hey if I have to shut my car off with it on a certain station and I'am not gambling, so be it. It will get better, I've talked to my therapist about this. Stay strong my friend, we have alot going on.

Chicagoguy

Thanks again, Chicagoguy. Managed to get out with little or no checking. Didn't double check the front door either which isn't that common with me. One thing I'm slightly P***** at myself for is whilst I've been ill I haven't used it to quit smoking. I have cut down significantly, making a small pouch of tobacco last 4 days instead of 2 since around late last year. Still, I need to quit. This recovery diary will serve two purposes. Recovery from stopping the gambling and coming when I've finished my last pouch of tobacco recovery from quitting smoking. Should be okay. I've quit for long periods before but I need it out of my life again.

Gambling...Have had an urge. Saw I had a tenner in my online banking account which made me think of the endless stream of tenners I'd throw on poker etc. I won't gamble it though. Not a rich man, I must admit, but a wiser man for stopping gambling. This tenner, will just sit there for now. .Not being gambled. 🙂