My 2016 diary

Day 78,(12)

Ahh we are almost at the halfway point to my final week here ) .. just another hour then its all downhill .. Realised i'm owed some time back too so I get to leave early tonight i think 🙂 or tomorrow..

whats strange is recently i've had thoughts about gambling .. easily suppressed and wouldn't dare act upon them but its annoying and fairly disturbing I still have them and I can only imagine if they caught me with my guard down what could happen.. So i guess I need to be more focused and admit that this road is a long one and I can't just sit back and think thats it I've done it cause i havent .. I'm winning the battle ! and with summer round the corner nothing is going to spoil that ! I wont let it 🙂

well my counselling is today so thats something to look forward to ... probably help refocus my mind ..

but its not all doom and gloom (even though raining outside so feels like it haha) , i got to see the fruits of my labour from cleaning the car at the weekend and see all the rain bead on the roof and fall off when driving 🙂 .. and i got a call yesterday that i can buy just one tweeter for the car (rather than having to buy a pair) so saved lots of pennies..
Got my sub too and fitted that.. running off one amp atm but its so much better and it fills the void from what bass the mids could put out without distortion ..

plenty to fill my time over the weekend so i'm not looking to break that 2nd counter any time soon 🙂 and TBH i so enjoy this being normal all week feeling .. strange to get into that mind set after 7 years ish of every weekend out and just getting myself together for the next weekend ..

anyway onwards and upwards

Today is just another gamble free day

Nice post me old mate ! We all have those niggly feelings occasionally and your doing the right things dissmissing them , that car sounds amazing , I'll prob here you driving past one day lol ! Hope everything goes well for you today ! Take care buddy !

Day 79,(13)

Hey alan , Yeah i've always had a thing for doing up cars .. I think over the last year or so my funds were always taken up with gambling .. my boy and household bills but now the IVA is sorted i thought it's time to pick up my hobby again and focus on something that I enjoy doing 🙂 here's my lady in all her glory from last summer 🙂

so yesterday was busy at work and almost missed counselling ! eek.. but made it and really enjoy the time there being able to go over the past few weeks.. It's amazing how far I've seem to have come in such a short space of time .. and to see that i'm doing everything i can to keep on the straight and narrow lol 🙂

next counselling is now 3 weeks away and over the phone as i will be working in another city though in april i have some time off so will try and make it face to face too..

today will be busy again trying to finish off everything .. though i'm going to take the early finish today and get some final bits sorted on the car .. the new relay kit needs bagging into some food bags to keep it all tidy ..

not too sure what will happen next week in relation to keeping the diary updated as i pencil in a few min every morning to update it and keep the ball rolling but sure i will find time through the day and make a new routine 🙂

well back to it ..

today is just another gamble free day

Day 80,(14)

well 80 days ! 🙂 superb ...

and today is my last day at this job .. just 6 hours to go and then a new chapter starts ..

trying to keep busy and not get worked up .. have to keep calm as it's friday and that 2nd counter is staying put .. but really looking forward to leaving tonight and hitting the last train ride for the foreseeable future .. wahoooo .. i dont mix very well with public transport 🙂

I can't believe 80 days ago I was entering the most bleak time of my life that i can remember and today i feel like i could take on the world ! 😀 time and determination is a great thing ..

So this morning I dropped my boy off at nursery and was chatting away about the new job and landed a quick job installing some networking at the nursery 🙂 some simple VPN and NAS storage so they can use the files off site etc 🙂 happy days .. that will help pay for a new amp for the car ... will end up running 3 amps once I have enough spends for the custom install job .. i've learned to be a little more patient these days rather than bang that on a card i have to budget properly and save for it ..

This weekend should be good .. weather looks to be holding out so can finish off a few jobs ... the gate is up but needs the new catch and stain putting on .. I have a volume control k**b for the amps so i can turn it down from the comfort of my car seat rather than in the boot < that requires some drilling of the car to fit so gotta do it right first time lol...
... and i have ordered lots of new bits so i can run my second amp for the sub .. (hopefully all the bits turn up)

next I have to get my hair cut and pay for the new tweeter along with dropping an ipad off that i have fixed for a mate then over to fix another ipad too .. and back home to remove the carbon wrap from the bonnet < that will be a task as it requires heating and peeling ... could go very wrong but fingers crossed i can acheive it .. with the help of my brother we shall succeed:)

so i hape we all have a gamble free great weekend and check back in monday at some point when i settle into the new role

11/03/2016 is just another gamble free day

Day 85,(19)

So a few days into my new job and I have time to update this..

I’ve managed to get to 85 days and not even a thought of gambling has crossed my mind in about a week now J and tbh I’ve been able to focus my energy into more nicer things .. as the lighter evenings have crept in I’ve been able to go out and play with the little man in the garden and sort some little bits out as well as installing the new amp etc in the car which has made things so much better, I have the remote volume control in the front so I can turn the amps down when I don’t need the volume which means all the warning sounds / indicator sounds are at a reasonable level (70% of the time J happy days)

Though as usual something always crops up .. I dropped my phone into the sink on Monday and while it started to work initially a vital part inside stopped working and couldn’t get a signal as the modem was being recognised … so I borrowed a phone and was looking at all options for a new one .. only to find after a day on the radiator it sprung back to life ! J I do need to replace the screen as spilled alcohol solution on it but that’s £45 rather than £200+ for a new phone so quite happy about that J

And so far the new job is holding up to expectations, travelling into work is a lot easier and I’m not rushing about to get ready and not having to walk through town after catching the train J .. the work is steady but I’m allowed to “play” with things and already managed to get a nice logging system installed ready to demo on Friday !

Only thing to let it down is a road I would use to skip a busy junction is closed for the week ! d**n burst water main haha .. though went a different way this morning and was quite a scenic drive ..

Anyway .. starving so off for some food

16/03/16 is just another gamble free day

Day 90,(24)

Well here come the targets in quick succession .. today will mark 3 months from where it all went horribly wrong / start of the new me ! not a single penny has been spent on gambling since that day 3 months ago .. it’s been a ride ./. not a nice one to start with , not in the slightest .. but 3 small months on my life has turned 180 .. I have been pushing myself to make myself a better person without the need for gambling and drugs 🙂 and it’s showing in everything I do.. I’m now waking up in a morning before the alarm and just getting on with it .. these past few weeks where I haven’t spent x amount on a Friday evening has meant I’ve spent it on things I enjoy ! I had the LED conversion on the car yesterday to turn all the lights blue.. and still have more than enough for the 3 days will payday .. and I did this without the need for putting the essentials on credit cards ..

More good news is I decided to get a new phone on contract though my wife and that’s been accepted and should be here today ! only £20 a month more than now but it’s the 6s where I have an iphone 5 now J

Then found out I will get paid from this new job on Thursday .. it was hit and miss as I started mid month and the pay is early due to the easter bank holiday but just scraped in so the IVA can be paid and all the other bills without the need for cancelling DD’s etc .. such a relief 🙂

And on to my next target just 6 days away where it will be BST ! everyday will be the last of winter time J soooo cant wait for the longer evenings x .. then it will be just 4 days to a century of days without gambling ! by far the longest period pre 16 that I won’t ever have spent a penny on anything gambling related,.

What I’ve noticed as well is while Cheltenham races were on a lot of my friends were posting the “wins” on FB and all I could think was I wonder how many you lost and that £100 win was probably at best a break even over the week /./ such a change in mindset .. a good change though

So onwards and upwards .. fewer updates to come as I settle more into the new job and I’m not feeling the need to update and read as much .// though that isn’t an acceptance of recovery it’s just the next step towards freedom and my brighter future as a dad I always wanted to be

Today is not just another gamble free day .. today is 3 months gambling free

Kris

so after moving into my new job i somehow managed to get along without this diary , though i still get and read emails from other diarys..

Though today marks my 1 year since that torrid day (21/12/15) .. and it seems fitting to remind myself of the awful feelings i had, the month(s) or pain and mental torment..

Though after all the gray clouds, came a new life .. though its not all been sunshine and roses .. my wife and I split not too long after my last reply on here.. though we both felt it was for the best and tbh now we get along better than ever 🙂

I have a great job that has kept me entertained and my counselling has continued throughout the year and i have my last call in the new year .. march time.. which will come after my first anual review from my IVA!

so onto the gambling, I remember the day crystal clear .. could almost remember each and every number that rolled in (or not as it all fell away), i can remember the heartbreak , the months of worry .. the lifeline of the IVA that followed.. and the new job./.

I can say i dipped my toe in again , circa 6 months ago though this was a mental test and limited what I could loose by setting limits and once over self excluded... < this showed just how much i could never play "for fun" .. the feelings were exactly the same and tbh if the limits weren't there it would have gone the same way !!! lesson i learned is I will never be cured .. ever .. though not starting or playing is easier now than ever.. it doesnt effect me .. nor do i think about it...

What a difference a year can make, my life is but a million times better even with the changes / this year i will sit and watch (and help) niko open his preasents that santa has brought him without an ounce of regret .. with a smile wider than the equator 🙂 come on xmas !!

At the time I couldnt see it but that day was the best thing ever to happen with the gambling ... i lost it all .. but it was the end of the casino playing for me . without that happening even today i could have been just extending the inevitble and stil prayiing for that big win ! Nope .. today i'm free of gambling .. never cured but free from the grip and missary it brings .. no high's no lows .. just self contempt ..

for anyone starting out.. It's a long road ... a never ending road .. but there's stops along that road that leads to a better life.

Hope everyone has a great christmas with your loved ones 🙂

Kris

Great to read a post from you Kris and even better to hear its all still going well for you.

Your diary will always be here as a constant reminder of how bad things had gotten, if you ever feel the need to look back for a reminder anyway.

Sorry to hear about you and your wife but everything happens for a reason.

Wish you well in the future and have a merry xmas and a happy new year.
Damo