day 45.....
damo, shake the disease and reminder, thank you so much for commenting, always good to get someone else's perspective on stuff. the friends that have asked I have said I'm on holiday in November and all cash is going towards that. I will speak to them and say I've totaled up how much I've put in to betting over the years and it's just not worth it any more.
I will continue with my half marathon training. feeling a bit like Ricky Hatton of old, I get in really good shape when I have an event coming up and then let it all slip afterwards. after the full marathon earlier on this year I didn't run again for months, to the point I'd struggle to reach 10k now.
anyway, I'm currently on my way to a spin class at the gym. keeps my mind occupied and gets me out of the house. I'm off work currently but I think I either need to go back to work or get a new job ASAP.
when I saw my mum on Sunday we watched city together, she a big blues fan too, she kept trying to distract me at half time when all the betting adverts came on. I saw they were on but took no notice of the odds etc. I want to watch it because I love the game.
take care,
A
day 46....
played 5 a side tonight, every other player bet at the weekend. was pleased when our game got going to stop the betting chat. I don't want to feel like I can't socialise with these guys but I also don't want to get dragged back in.
working hard at the minute doing everything I can during the day to keep myself busy. whether it's running, reading, Xbox or going to the gym. struggling when I'm alone with my own thoughts.
hopefully things will improve as the days go by.
still no word from healthy minds, chased them today and they said you're on a waiting list but we cannot be more specific than that. not great but not much else can be done.
take care,
A
day 47.....
lots of free time today, rather than sit and worry about the past I have been looking forward. it's the only way in my view, if I thought about all the bad times and the things gambling has made me do, I wouldn't sleep at night.
I have been reading a lot on these forums today, only ever really looked at the recovery diaries but there's interesting ideas in each post. gives me a better perspective and a bit less isolated in this struggle.
day 50 is approaching and I'm really pleased that I have got this far, no complacency though.
take care,
A
day 49....
forgot to post yesterday, not for any bad reason just gambling or gamcare didn't cross my mind.
bit hungover this morning, this time a few years ago I lived with 2 friends, we'd all be hungover get McDonald's and put all the bets on for the day! now I live with my girlfriend and I'm just about to watch city, no bets, not even tempted by all the adverts on sky sports.
hope everyone has a good day.
take care,
A
day 50....
didn't think I'd get this far, so much further to go but I've survived 2 paydays, the world cup and the start of the season without betting. top stuff!
went out last night, Bem Brasil, first time I've been. they keep bringing food until you can't eat anymore. top place. then went and watched some live music outside a bar. it's not important what I did, I'm more pleased with the fact it was paid for with my wages and not a winning bet. so many times I've paid for date night with winning bets or payday loans. I'm not rich or well off by any means but I'm starting to see the light that I can pay for things without betting.
being dragged sofa shopping shortly so I'll leave it there for today.
take care all,
A
day 51....
nothing to report, no gambling. in a proper bad mood today, mixture of a hangover and the situation. just getting me down a bit.
I'll get up and run in the morning, that should clear my head a bit.
take care,
A
day 52....
again no gambling, again increased frustration at debt etc.
mum's 60th this week and she deserves more than I can get her but it is what it is.
still no luck on the new job front or any closer with healthy minds. everything seems to have come to a bit of a standstill.
take care,
A
day 54.....
reminder, thank you for commenting, just what I needed to read. been a bit down the last couple of days but today has been brighter.
my mum was 60 yesterday and I was so anxious about going to the family meal last night as it's the first time I'd seen some of them since my gambling was made public knowledge. it all went well, thankfully. I don't always want to be the gambler in people's eyes, just want to be seen as me.
I had an email today about a 2nd stage of shortlisting for a job. I'm terrible at bigging myself up but I did my best.
got a text from a good friend this week. we worked together and he suffered with depression amongst other things, he was just checking in but I didn't really open up. didn't feel appropriate over text.
As usual no gambling, I'm thinking less and less about the act of gambling but more and more about how it's hindered me living the life I want. I'll get there.
finally the kids are back tomorrow from the caravan with their grandparents, first week was quiet bliss but missed them like mad since.
take care,
A
day 55.....
kind of a nothing day today, no gambling but no real progress. do not want to gamble in any shape or form and if I'm being honest with myself the gambling or going back to that life isn't my issue presently. it's all the guilt from the damage I've caused to my family, my credit file, my mental health and everything in between. it's improving day by day but I feel a long way from being sorted.
on a brighter note the kids came back today, so happy to see them both, missed them loads. they missed me too which as a step parent is a big deal.
on to the weekend of watching sport without money on it just enjoying it.
I will keep going, I'm not in the same place I was 55 days ago and I will keep improving.
take care,
A
Keep it going A the only way is up!
Just remember that no matter how much you're struggling in your head it would be 10 times worse if you placed that bet or had that slip.
Keep on fighting!
JW
Hi A
I've read your diary and found it really compelling. You seem so positive and upbeat most of the time... It's good to read and reassuring for me. I'm on day 2 - day 1 I somehow felt positive and driven to get over this fateful mistake in my life but today feeling tearful and consumed by the debt.
Also consumed by the inevitability that I will be tempted again at some point and will probably work a way round out to delve in again. I really don't want to. What advice can you or others give when the fear of potentially relapsing starts to consume you? If I **** up again I'll surely lose my wife, son and home. I got no chances left. Should I busy myself with other things when these thoughts enter my mind?
Keep going A, whether you meant to or not your honest words and pragmatic approach to this are inspiring others like me. Thank you.
day 56....
jw and signalman, cheers for the comments.
couple of whatsapp messages about betting this morning, they are getting to only be a weekend thing which means people are understanding I don't want to gamble.
got another email back from a potential new job, I think that would solid my new start.
got some money to pay next week. entirely my fault, swapped from sky to bt and assumed we had an aerial cable running to the living room. we haven't, 70 for a splitter or 140 for a new aerial. old me would have been scoping out potential bets to pay for it. not today and not again.
have a good weekend and stay gamble free.
take care,
A
Day 56 - nice one A. That's great.
Bit of a stinker regarding the cable costs but at least it's money spent where you'll have something to show for it apart from empty pockets. Every time you switch the telly on you should think "money well spent" :o)
day 57....
bit tipsy so apologies for the slur. signalman, keep going mate, the feeling of money well spent is a feeling I'm not used to. it's either scraping around like a beggar or living like a king after a big win, neither of which are real life.
had such a top day, spent the whole day with the kids at the park, playing footy, on the bikes and then to the pub for a couple.
saw the footy results but not bothered by them, would I have won money? probably today yes because the favourites won. but would I be up for the season, the year or life? definitely not. that's the thing im seeing clearer, I can be up for a day but never a year so it's not worth it.
take care,
A
Hey A
I think the biggest win in your life is the amount of days you've been GF. ok you may have won a bet at the weekend but reducing your GF days to 0 would have been a far greater loss. As you know I'm only on day 5 of my GF journey and I'm still hurting bad... Your wounds are healing slowly day by day... Keep on top of it mate. You're doing great things and being proactive as ever. Just focus on that. There basically isn't such a thing as winning when the results come in... Just backward steps in your recovery even if your bank account would look a bit healthier. You've got so much going for you right now and so much resolve I can tell. Youve come such a long way so far... Keep striving for greatness.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
