Day 1 gamble free - 36hrs till pay day
This is basically what every month has been like for more than half a year now. I gamble, get in to debt, borrow and still end up counting the days till pay day when only half way through the month. Every month is just a count down of shame and self loathing and I tell myself every time, this time, I have a plan. I commit to paying a sum off of the credit cards and then end up gambling with it in the hopes of a win which will clear a bigger chunk of the debt - of course even when I do win, it never goes toward the debt. Just straight back in to the game, and then some! Can't keep borrowing to stay afloat, the gambling has to stop as its already starting to feel like it's too late and I'll never recover.
I've kept diaries before but my recovery is very isolated, and I don't mind this but this time I'm hoping that by posting it in plain site I'll have no where to hide!
So I've got my repayment place, budgeted. I've even got a debt free count down so I can visually see my progress. This month is going to be tight but if I can just be dicaplined, not have any unnecessary expenditure and not give in to the urges I'll be moving towards an achievable payment plan which would feel amazing to achieve.
First goal: pay off pay day loans.
644 days till debt free - half way through day 1 🙂
Will need projects to keep me occupied - looking at my bedroom it could do with sprucing up and being made a little more cosey for the early nights which will be another step towards recovery!
Already an emotional roller coaster - I've hardly slept through dread of going over my overdraft in the next 36 hrs and am now feeling very isolated with this problem. Reading everyone's posts is so inspiring and then I feel I'll never get to that point?! The ups and downs are exhausting at this stage. Just need to try and get some rest. Tired and anxious - not a good combo! Time for a cup of tea
And a Bath! Baths are now my new best distraction/way to relax.
Hi
Just flicking through your posts. Seems you have the plans in place. Now go out and nail them. Clear gambling from. You life. I've found walking, cycling and running has eased the urge and helped kill off spare time.
Stay strong!
T
Thanks annon1 it's really nice to get some encouragement 🙂
I'm all about the plans, it's the staying strong bit which has been my downfall in the past! I did used to love running, bit out of shape atm tbh but a brisk walk can do wonders when I'm in my own head.
Staying strong!
Day 2 and still feeling shattered. Haven't had the urge to gamble today but a) have no, I mean NO money, and b) it's pay day tomorrow and on a fri so more worried about 'rewarding' myself by relaxing with a drink and a spin!
I've self excluded from all sites now and spent a lot of time today unsubscribing to ongoing temptation email. I also scratched the ccv number off the back of one of my credit cards, the other one is next!
My goal for tomorrow is to pay a payday loan which will mean one debt ticked off my list and to not gamble!
Think I would also benefit from a reward system, will give it some thought on the countdown to pay day.
Feeling tired but positive
Hi Rednow, welcome to recovery 🙂
Have you thought about blocking software to assist you breaking your Time-Money-Location triangle? You only need to take one away & you can't gamble!
My 1st 3 days were terrible but every urge you beat makes you stronger! Never mind One Day At A Time, take it one minute or one second if you have to! Have a plan to busy yourself when the urges hit tomorrow, which they will & if need be, just stand stil & breath! They are only urges, you know the voices telling you that you can double your money & pay off your debt even faster are lying...That's what bought you here in the 1st place! There's no such think as a quick buck for us CG's...We cannot win because we cannot stop! Pride will come from being in recovery & it may be difficult @ times but the reward is life! Have that drink as a reward by all means but never kid yourself that a 'spin' is one! I considered this myself but was fortunate enough to read sufficient warnings on here to realise, spinning meant losing not winning! Today I win every day by not gambling! Today, that is my reward!
Keep winning - ODAAT
Day 3 and payday!
Already feeling more positive just having money in the bank even if I am already overdrawn.
First payday loan paid to tick off of the list! 🙂 am already scheming how I can save money this month like buying essentials in bulk from saver stores to try and get through the month without borrowing again!
Have put k9 on my phone now, going to ask a friend to change passcode for me after work.
Will defo check in again after work - payday fri will not be a relapse day!!!!
So I've already considered it more than once today but it's just popped in to my head and I've immediately dismissed it!
Also about to pay back some money to a friend which is another step closer to being in the black. It's going to be a long time till next pay day but already saved £5 on weekly shop, not much but £5 up than if I had gambled. At 1 week I'll treat myself to a latte 🙂
Stay strong mate. Pay Day really is a test of mental strength, so be vigilent.
Something I am looking to apply at the start of next month, is buy my monthly train pass, food in bulk, swap my direct debits so they all come out at the beginning of the monh. At least the, if the worst happens, life is still somewhat manageabe.
Every penny counts, but don't be too tight with your money. Start enjoying your life, you deserve it after the prolonged suffering.
If you don't gamble, the debts will take care of themselves. Focus on enjoying your life in a sensible manner.
Anyway, I'm feeling lonely today after a terrible couple of weeks, so thought I'd take the time to post on your diary.
Just paid another payday loan to tick off of the list! 🙂
It's going to be a long old month but I'm focusing on the positives of clearing debts 1 at a time.
Realistically I may have to borrow again to get me through the month but I'm not giving in unless I absolutely have to! Eg. Get to work!
I'm off to scratch the ccv number off other credit card!
That's so good rednow, ur heading in the right direction, be kind to yourself and go and treat yourself something if you can (retail therapy) its great lol.
All the best keep going
X
Blown it already 🙁
Started off so well and now back to worse than square one! My friend wasn't available to put passcode on phone so in the late hours last night I 'subscribed' to self loathing. If only i has walked away but it's never enough.
Spent all wages, not even enoug left to pay the bills let alone live for the month. Totally maxed out on credit and loans, have no idea what to do now???
When did I become this person. I truly hate myself and am now a nervous wreck.
Day 1 again
I just can't believe I've done it?
Hi Red,
It's hard but you must brush this off and get straight back into recovery, don't dwell on it, take some positives from it, if you can,
Don't be too hard on yourself it's not easy to give up straightaway, the important thing is to get back up straightaway and carry on forwards, you can do this one small step at a time.
Sending you strong and calm thoughts.
Suzanne xxx
Thank you Suzanne I really appreciate the support - just so worried about how I'm going to survive this month.
But i've seen on here that most people have been through it at one point or another and they've survived and beaten the habit so I'm going to take some comfort in that.
Breathing deep.
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