My diary

It's amazing how we do survive, just try and get through one day at a time, you will be stronger at the end of the month,

Suzanne xxx

Reading my own previous posts is both cringe worthy and infuriating!

Cringe because I feel like a total fool going from so assertive to utter mess and frustrated because I go from assertive to total a mess who can't control my own weeknesses!

Oh what a mess. I'm going to get through this and get back on track even though I am terrified!

Hi red,

Please let your losses now go I know it's very fresh, but you have to let them go. Once you do you become released from wanting to chase, Dan has just written some very wise words, (oneday@time) about controlling the addiction, we can't and never will.

We can never win because we can never stop.

Don't think too far ahead, but you need to sort your finances out for this month, one step at a time, try not to take another loan out, it may be too tempting, but if you need to use the triangle that is a great tool,

Time

Money

Location.

Take one of these away and it's impossible to play.

We can't do this on our own, we need all the help we can get, and every tool,barrier and support we can get, whether it be GA,counselling, and here, because it is a horrible addiction to overcome.

Be totally honest with yourself and try not to feel ashamed.

Have you told anyone yet, who is close to you, it's an awful thought but such a release when we are honest about this.

Suzanne xxx

I'm done with the last chase, at one point I won more than enogh back on my last £20 and actually thought to myself 'I must have a guardian angel looking over me' and I still cancelled the withdrawal! - it's never enough and can't win cos I can't stop!

I never want to feel like this again.

I really don't want to get another pay day loan but may not have a choice as have to get to work. I've told my bf but he's so forgiving it just makes me feel even worse, I hate letting him down. And I know he hates seeing me like this, desperately wants to help make it all better but feels helpless.

I need to be strong - I day/bill at a time.

Just woke up in cold sweat panicking about paying the bills with only couple 100 quid in the bank. Then realised bf still hasn't come to bed so went to see where he was and when he ask if I as ok I snapped at him. This horrible addiction makes me so moody. Chatted to gamcare today for further advice on debt management and counciling. They've referred me for 1:1 counciling so am hoping that will help me to address my behaviour. If I can just manage my urges and change my behavioural patterns then my finances should start to improve slowly.

I think I've also finally reached a point where I need to get payplan involved to manage my debt as credit cards are just going every month now due to interst. Rent is due next week so I'm going to have to make up some excuse as to why I can't pay it. Feel like the lowest of the low. Am doing my classic 'quick what can I do to fix this as fast a possible' panic now!

On a positive note just paid one credit card bill - card was over the limit after interest but at least it's one more bill I dont have to worry about until next month and now canT gamble that money!

I need to go back and close all new account I open I my pit of hope and despair last night but can't face it right now. I've locked myself out of safari again but need to get friend to do it for me so it's secure!

I remember giving up smoking and although it was SO hard I remember being so determind because the desire to overcome it was so strong. But i find it hard to feel that way about gambling as one of the main reasons I gamble is chasing loses. My debt started with gambling so think I've been chasing that original £100 loss since the begining and now it's over £5000! Clearly it doesn't work! But I think somewhere I've convinced myself that it could be the quick fix to solve all of my problems as I'm so ashamed and frightened about people knowing how much debt I'm in. I hope an awareness of my motivation to gamble will help me challenge my urges and bad moods/behaviour more effectively.

Exhausted right now and so scared so going to try to not think about it anymore for a moment because I just send myself stir crazy. Brain is in overload.

Not giving up giving up!

YOU are not your addiction!

I wish you luck in finding your true self.

Hi Red,

Welcome to your new gamble free day, where you can win just by abstaining and maintaining.

Small steps are the sure way to move onwards and forwards.

Stay strong

Suzanne xxx

Just came clean with my bf about the true extent of my debt. Never felt so ashamed. Hopefully now tho we can get through this together. I don't expect a bail out of to solve my problems but if in the future if there is a question as to why we can't afford this or that I can be totally honest. I used to be such an honest person and actually prided myself on which is another nasty symptom of gambling. Looking forward to continuing the honesty.

Well done on coming clean with your boyfriend, it's such a hard thing to do, but it now opens up your recovery in a big way, HONESTY,

Small steps are the best way forwards, taking one day at a time, hey you are already winning,

Keep going.

Suzanne xxx

Well done on coming clean with your boyfriend, it's such a hard thing to do, but it now opens up your recovery in a big way, HONESTY,

Small steps are the best way forwards, taking one day at a time, hey you are already winning,

Keep going.

Suzanne xxx

Thanks Suzanne xx

I really do feel like I'm winning right now, even tho I am in so much debt and don't know how I'm going to get through the month, plus the awful coming clean conversation this morning, I've just had a lovely day with my bf and step children who I adore. My family are the main reason for me to fight every urge.

Not giving up!

Hi red that is a massive step you have taken and this is goin to be the start for true recovery. You have had a lapse but you came right back on here and have started battling again.
We all make mistakes no ones perfect so don't be too hard on yourself.
Wish you all the best, keep posting.

Lying awake already thinking about how I'm going to manage next months money. What I really need to be focusing in is managing the next urge and changing my thought processes! Debt will take care of itself if I take care of myself.

Not giving up.

Mind is racing with money making schemes! Breathing deep - not giving up

2 Tim 1:7