My diary

Day 111

4 month eve 🙂 haven't thought about gambling at all today. And when I see those pesky adverts I reinforce the opinion 'yeah right'! Empty promises of easy money. I am living proof that there is no such thing as easy money and it is not fun!! Gamble responsibly,..... I'd rather not gamble at all thanks!

well done 🙂 youre doing really well. keep all the barriers in place! youre proof that they do really help in them moments of madness where we think of relapsing!
1 day at a time, good luck and keep it up!

Ben

Day112 - 4 Months!!

Almost forgot! Not a great sign tbh and on the way home from work I had an urge, which I immediately dismissed and went through all the reasons why I didn't in fact want to gamble. May have to look back in to counselling again if I these feelings worsen. On the bright side, 8 weeks till 6 months 🙂

Well done you. The urges will come and go. I did nearly a year the first time and they never went away completely. You are making the right choices though xxxx

Made it to 114 days

Had a blow out so back to day 1. But it doesnt feel like day 1 again tho. I feel like I've let myself down but unlike before I'm not going to beat myself up. I know what I did and was honest about it to OH. That felt good. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not taking it lightly, but I'm not going to beat myself up and carry around the guilt, that has always made it worse for me. Almost like I need to win to redeem myself. Of course I never do lol. Ridiculous. Finances aren't great, but when are they ever. And no pay day loan.

I did it. I'm not proud of myself. But I am going to continue on as a non gambler. Now going to spend the evening with my loving family who I cherish and put it behind me.

Hopefully I'll still feel like this later and not be woken in the night by cold sweats!!

Onwards and upwards my fellow non gamblers. I'm sorry to have let you all down also.

Day 0 (114 PB)

Day 1

Before 10th June I hadn't gambled since 16th February (4 months 2 days) a huge achievement for me considering the mess I was in at that time. On reflection of my slip and looking back at my diary I've recognised some key things which should help me move on from here and strengthen my desire to never take a gambling risk again.

Since counselling ended the urges have been coming back and I haven't been practising my breathing techniques as much. Nit going to counselling has made me feel like it's not a problem anymore, almost a 'cured'! moment. So I need to be more vigilant again, taking time out to recognise I had a problem and that I I don't want to be that person again. Reading my diary, writing my thoughts and feelings down (a substitute for counselling) and looking in to counselling again, which I'll have to pay for but I'm thinking a fortnightly appointment or even just monthly would be enough to just get things off my chest 🙂

I've also let my control over my money slip as well. Not in a bad way just, bury my head in the sand mentality with regard to how much I'm generally spending and not sticking to the planned budget I put in place in Feb. So, I plan to do a new finance plan and budget and will review it every 3 months. I will actually be my own accountant and make sure I I know where every penny of my money goes.

I have also noticed I am generally spending more. Initially it was because I was treating myself and enjoying the new privilege of having money to go and do the food shop without a panic about would my card may not work or how much food for a weekly shop can I get for less than 15 quid. But I've noticed recently that I'm going to the supermarket more, I went everyday after work last week! So I think I'm starting to use it as a reward like I used to with gambling. So I will make a consious effort to only spend when needed and not as a treat to regularly make myself feel better. I will treat myself as a reward and within reason. Like my dress I bought way back at the beginning of my 114 day stint. When the recovery really did begin 🙂

And lastly. Last time I didn't remember my stopping date, I had to look it up, I didn't see it as an important date to remember and didn't actually trust myself to keep it! So 10th June will now become a memorable date for me.

Day 2

Feeling so down today. Like I have nothing to look forward to and my thought processes are all over the place. 1 thing at a time. 1 day at a time.

Feeling scared and terrible right now. Just went over my finances and the debt is almost too much to manage. It's going to take a long time to repay and in the interest of being honest, told the other half and he went in to 'how are you going to repay that!' Catastrophe and how can I solve this problem mode. I know he wants to help and is concerned because he loves me but it just makes me feel like such a failure and let him down. Also had another day off of work so will have to face the consequences Monday and I'm still on probation. So, like I said. Feeling so negative and down right, like there's no way out.

It will get better. I know it will. When I'm being this negative it's like my mind kicks in to negative gear so everything is negative. My mind is currently telling me:

It's going to take forever to pay that back. You are such a failure for getting in to this mess! And now you're probably goin to lose your dream job which you waited so long to get and then you'll never be able to get of debt or get my life back on track. Failed at life.

Lets see how life unfolds. Going to breath and focus on truth and present go now.

Hi. I'm not sure if I've ever popped by your diary before, but I wanted to today just to say you're not alone in this. I was back at day one again on Tuesday....I too felt like my head was all over the place. I described it as punch drunk. And it's a horrible way to feel.

On the plus side, you're still here and still pushing forwards. Sometimes it takes a few go arounds until we finally understand what is driving this compulsion.It's good that you're looking at what might be triggering this, and that you're open to more counselling. Sometimes after a while gamble free we start to convince ourselves that we're ok...we're in control...and a few quid won't hurt. The pain of the last binge has subsided and we somehow forget where it will inevitably lead. If only we could bottle how rubbish we feel in these early days of relapse and take a quick sip of it when Mr. G comes whispering his lies in our ears.

So the advice that was given to me, that I will now give to you....Make those barriers watertight, be honest and open about this with the people close to you (sounds like you're already doing this with your husband, but does he really understand just how bad it feels?), don't beat yourself up, look at any extra help (GA, more counselling, the online chat), take a good, long, honest look at why you're doing this, progress not perfection and don't give up on giving up. I'll also add that if the debt is getting to you, you could consider stepchange. I don't know much about it, but I've read other people who have used the service and having that worry lifted helps them.

Please remember, it won't always feel this bad. You're not a failure and you haven't failed at life. I doubt that you'll lose your dream job and at some point, if you keep on track, the debt will be repaid. The earth is still revolving, no-one died, things will get better and you're not alone.You have lots in life to look forward to, even if today it doesn't feel that way.

Wishing you well. Keep on keeping on.

LifeBegins x

Thank you for your post life begins. It means a whole lot to me right now xx

Hey red. Try to stay positive as negativity may just send you back to gambling I know from experience. Brush yourself off again. You can do it one day at a time. If you really can't cope with the debt you can make arrangements with them to pay less and a lot of companies stop interest too once you have spoken to them about your finances. Obviously you can no longer use them but it may help your day to day living. I don't know how bad yours is its just some advice. I finally did it a whole back after struggling so bad for so long and being really depressed. Chin up Hun. In it together xxxxx

Day 3

Thanks w2s 🙂 xx of course I was over reacting about work. Went in today and all was fine. Everyone was really supportive. I'm so lucky. Now just to focus on the debt, but no quick fixes there. Just one day at a time and a focus on my job which I love will ensure it will get better as long as I don't make the decision to make it worse.

Day 4

Feeling much better today generally but still very tired and a little run down. However, I've been to the gym, had a productive day at work and had a healthy dinner. Now for an early night 🙂 big day tomorrow - and a wedding to look forward to this wkend.

See how quick those days clock up already on Day 5 - keep it up hun 🙂

Hope your ok Red xxx