My diary

Early hours of day 17. I have my clinic appointment with regards to my Achilles' tendon. I am apprehensive about the news I will be given and a likely return to work date. I am obviously hoping for some good news however I am realistic of what the likely progress of this injury will be.

I feel positive today, I have the appointment, going to do some revision at home and I may even risk using the weights room at the gym for an upper body workout.

I am confident that I will not gamble today, it is a decision I have made!

that is something that is becoming clearer and clearer to me, although as difficult as this addiction is, there is always a choice, there is always another option. You just need the strength of mind to make that decision.

Will post later with an update of what has been going on.

Well I have had some good news today,

firstly and most importantly.... I have not gambled, it was a choice and decision I made when I woke up and one that I have stuck to today. I will do the same tomorrow.

secondly I have been to see the specialist re: Achilles' tendon, we agreed upon non operative management. I have been placed in a boot and am able to walk around, a further positive is the no restriction placed on work which is also great news. I plan a phased return to work which will allow me to earn enough to survive but not place to much pressure on my recoveries.

I feel in a much more positive place than I was last week, I have not forgotten what has happened or those I have hurt. I am doing trying to what is right for me and any others that I have hurt. They may not see it directly, but I hope that one day they will see a different rehabilitated person.

Tomorrow is day 18, going to go to the gym, do some life admin, cook a chillie and see my baby sister.

Hi glad news was good. I think you have a lot to look forward to. And now you are on speaking terms with your ex I hope that goes well. Your will power is shining through as being at home with your injury an not gambling shows commitment. Sounds like the support is in place so things are Up and Away!! Take care an well done Mary x

Good morning, it is day 18 today, just about to head out and pick up some bits and pieces for the chillie. Looking forward to getting out of the house and plan to treat myself to a nice coffee whilst out.

One thing for sure is I will not gamble. I will probably pass 3 -4 bookies whilst doing my errands but I am confident today that I will not be going in one!

Just three days until my next GA meet, oh how time flys! Looking forward to my next meet on Friday!

Hi Luke, congratulations on Day 18 🙂

That chilli is an inspired choice...According to Duncs, eating it gives a similar dopamine release in the brain that gambling gives us!?! & whilst some people could probably vouch for some side effects the following morning (depending on how hot you go & how many beers are sunk with it) they are surely preferable to the 'fall out' the day after a gamble!

Take it easy on that Achillies (chuffed you are able to get back to work) & enjoy your life - ODAAT

thanks for the comments above I appreciate the support.

I have come back on here today as I am feeling irritable, I don't really know why but little things just seem to be winding me up. I don't want to gamble the thought hadn't crossed my mind. I am just finding little things irritating, it's like my hearing is super acute... The noise of the person next to me eating, drinking, breathing it sounds like they are eating down my ear.

In general I am not an irritable person, I am normally very tolerant. I just thought that maybe coming on here would be some sort of release and distraction.

I might go for a drive in the countryside and get some fresh air.

Otherwise doing well

Alright Luke, glad you are doing well in your recovery. It seems like you are doing well with filling your life etc. I guess it's good that your senses are improving, even though you are finding things irritable. I guess it's like an awakening and noticing life instead of thoughts of gambling. As much as its annoying, I would probably see it as a positive. Keep on with it bud, Jez

Hi hope u enjoy the chillies. It's so cold out you will need them Lol. Think we all get irritated going through giving up something we did on a regular basis. Finding that something that replaces the gambling can be a bit of a journey and it takes time. See that willpower coming through again as you passed bookies. Well done to you. Take care Mary

Well I have had an hour or so to myself, went out for a drive to clear my mind and try to figure out why I was feeling irritable.

I have realised that I was irritable with myself, angry with myself and taking it out on others.... Not directly, but in terms of being moody and irritable.

I have a lot of time on my hands at the moment and now with some new clarity of mind, I have been thinking more and more about what I have done. I had everything.... Perfect girlfriend, savings, nice rented hous, deposit saved for a house and a dream job lined up, I have thrown all of that away with this selfish addiction. And I am coming to learn that all along I had a choice, I always had the choice, my insight and decision making capacity may have been blurred by the addiction but the choice was always there.

I think the realisation of what I have done, the things I have thrown away, the wreck less behaviour, the lies betrayal, multiple people I have hurt.

That is why I was irritable.

Alright Luke, how did the counselling session go today? Hope all is well :), Jez

Hi Luke. Great posts from you, nice to see how you are reflecting on each day and have found other things to do. I have to say, I got the feelings of irritability, but that was because I was trying to find other things to do instead of gambling.

You are writing every day in your diary, this is a great start. I started by writing most days, now I post in my diary when I feel that I need to. Well done on joining the gym, I work at a well established gym, so I can happily provide you some training tips, as my exercise routine has stepped up a gear, so I'm far more focused on that now, gambling is in the past.

I also found that setting up a regular saver at my local bank, has given me the opportunity to put some cash aside each month, which grows slowly, but it's so rewarding seeing my money go up, instead of down. One more positive, is you can skip leg training, we all hate squats 🙂

Anyway, keep up the brilliant work and whenever you are lost, or feel something is missing (irritable)...post it in the forum, it won't be too long before someone answers, giving you some words of inspiration. You can do this!

Regards

Paul

Thanks for the post Paul, I have found the gym a bit of a refuge, I used to train a fai bit and lost a lot of that motivation through gambling. It has helped to fill my spare time and act as a distraction.

As for skipping leg day... I guess I have an excuse... I just hope that I don't end up massive with chicken legs LOL.

Thanks again for the help and support

Hi jez thanks for the message, the counselling went well, we covered a lot of ground over an hours session and we discussed what the next steps would be including CBT and further counselling. It left me feeling positive about recovery. I also went to my GA meeting today which was good, I think that offers something different to the counselling and is something I also want to keep up as a regular commitment.

As for other things, I am pleased to say that it has been 3 weeks now without a bet. I haven't found it difficult and haven't had a ny urges to gamble. I think there are a number of reasons for that:

1) I really did hit rock bottom, not financially but emotionally with this.... I lost what was most important to me.

2) there is the financial component .... I look back at where I was and where I am now... And that gives me inspiration not to gamble

3) I have hurt so many people over the years but more so recently, I can never take that back but can make positive changes towards the future.

4) I was living a lie, I was lieing to myself, my partner, family. I didn't like it, I didn't want to, but I think I also couldn't face the truth, I think deep down I thought that there may be a way out of it. I have now come to realise that the only way is 100% honesty.

5) I have accepted what I am... A "gambler" I have known it for many years but never accepted it, I lived in denial. I am not proud of the label that I carry, I will now carry it forever. But I have come to terms with it, accepted it and am willing to live with it.

6) I am giving this everything I have 100% GA, counselling, handed over financial responsibility to my mother, self exclusions, and ultimately a degree of self control .

Having said all of the above, I am still struggling in many ways, I know that I will at some point have an urge or a desire to bet that I will need to fight and tackle, I have also had a difficult week with my ex, I have hurt her so much and know that I haven't been there for her as much as I should have been in the past three weeks. I know that she is struggling to come to terms with this and struggles to comprehend and understand it. I have been battling his for 8 years on and off and she has had three weeks to try and get her head around this. I think that is something that I neglected to realise. We are meeting on Monday to talk things through and sort out the house.

I am keeping myself busy this weekend by going to the Peak District to see my sister and her fiancГ©, it will be nice to get some fresh air and spend some time with them .

5 days since my last diary entry. I have been doing well and keeping busy.

the weekend was good, got to go to the Peak District, went out for drinks and a meal, felt good to be doing normal things again. I met with my ex on Monday, we had a good chat and sorted things out with the house. The move date is set so I just have to hire a van and get the large items moved in the near future.

Today was pay day which is always a vulnerable time, I have made sure direct debits are accounted for, rent, bills gym, paid for and transferred any surplus to a safe account. I have also made a large payment towards a credit card which is now nearly paid off.

I have a counselling meeting tomorrow followed by my first day back at work. I am excited to get back to work, the days have felt long without it.

That is all for now

well been a few days since i last logged into the site, please to say that i remain on track, day 32 today.

Had a good weekend, went camping with a couple of friends, which was great.

in terms of other things i think the shock of what has happend seems to have worn off, now i am starting to realise what exactly has happened all because of gambling. My mind is constantly filled with regret and anger. I had everything and now feel like i have nothing.

I also spend a lot of time refelecting on what my actions have caused for my Ex, her life has been turned upside down for the worse because of my selfish actions again, i guess the only way i can put things right is by staying on the right path, i know that my relationship is over but i feel i owe it to everyone to beat this.

Moving on my counselling sessions are going well, i have my next appointment on thursday we are starting to do CBT which i hope with put some tactics in place to prevent this ever happening again, i seem to get on ok with the counsellor and am looking forward to my next meeting.

The GA meetings on a friday are also going well, they offer a different thing to the councelling, there is an absolute understanding there, which i guess you can not achieve 100% from friends and family.

Well that is all for now ... i will try to post more regularily just been a little busy recently.