My diary

Wow what a couple of days, pleased to say that i am still on the right track but there are a number of difficult things going on.

As mentioned in my previous posts i have ruptured my achilles tendon, i have been in a walking cast for a couple weeks. today i tripped and felt what was a healing achilles tendon re: rupture. A big kick in the teeth and a set back but not the end of the world.

I have had a difficult couple of days with the ex, we spent quite alot of time talking about what has happened, why it happens and what i am doing about it. We touched on issues like getting back together and other things but i think we both agreed that it probably isnt in her interest to do so. It was just generally difficult and emotional.

Finally to top it all off i have recently had news that a young family memeber that has been struggling with terminal Cancer is finally losing her battle, she has been admitted to a hospise, we are unsure of how many days she has.

Things like this really do put things into perspective, i dont really know why i gamble, i dont always want to. It is a selfish act and one i have used to escape stress, problems, confrontation and boredom. I sit here writing this and feel so lucky really in comparison to what my close family are going through in this difficult time.

I will stay positive, i am doing well, there is a lot going on but i will not let it affect my recovery!

Few days now since my last post, still no gambling which is good.

Feeling fed up today, multiple reasons which I can't really be bothered going into. Feeling a lot of regrets and looking back over the past few months and what a crazy period it has been.

Although I am not gambling and my outlook is generally positive, things just keep cropping up! I had what I think was a flare of gout the other day... There are other things going on which I don't want t go into.

Feel like I am waiting for a break, but also waiting for the next set back whatever it is.

I don't want to gamble and haven't had any urges despite this. Just feeling fed up, will probably feel better tomorrow.

Take it a day at a time, not gambled for 38 days... Pleased with that

Feeling better today. Was a bit of an emotional wreck yesterday however I have had a good productive day today.

No significant urges, just had a few times when I look back at everything, I find that a bit distressing, someone once said to me "look back, but don't stare" I think that has struck a chord with me. Looking back gives me the reminder of what has happened where I was and where I am now. Dwelling on it isn't a positive thing and has the potential to put me into a vulnerable place.

Got the next three days at work and then a friends wedding at the weekend. Following week have a couple of hospital appointments to attend, more work and finalising things at my old rental property.

Mixed emotions about the big move, it upsets me a lot that things have got to this stage, moving out, breaking up, but then I know that this is self enflicted, my fault and ultimately that is something I will have to deal with. I guess it will be a relief to have that part of my recovery boxed of and finalised, but I a, going to miss it, miss my ex and what we had.

Anyways, still doing well day 39 today! Which feels good. I used to read other diaries when I first stopped and couldn't wait to be - few weeks down the line, and here I am doing ok! So that is positive

Great post Luke, and with 40 days of being gamble free today, you are doing really well,

stay strong and keep moving OAU

suzanne xxx

Thanks for the message of support Susanne,still in a relatively good place, I have a lot going on at the moment which is keeping me busy.

I hadn't realised it was day 41 today. At first I used to count each and every day, now they just seem to fly by, in a week I will be nearly at 50! It hasn't been easy, I have been through a lot these past few weeks, everything I have been through has been self inflicted by gambling, I think that is what has motivated me to get so far.

Many times in the past I have tried to stop and made it just a week or two or until the next pay day. Things feel different this time. ( having said that I know there will always be a risk so I am keeping my guard up)

I think another key to success has been relinquishing financial responibility to a loved one, attending gam care counselling, and regular GA meetings. I have given it everything this time .

I stopped on the 1st may 2015, which happens to be my mothers birthday. I have a fancy bottle of wine from Australia it is probably worth £60. I have said to my mum if I make it a year we will open that on her birthday, just using little incentives like that to curb any urges or thoughts I may have .

Moving on from here got a busy 2 weeks ahead of me, work, friends wedding, moving out of rental house, course to go on, more work. BUSY BUSY BUSY!

Post is a bit all over the place but think that probably reflects tiredness.

Thought I would mention one more thing, I was at work the other night and I was questioning whether to pay for a car park ticket, I couldn't imagine that I would get a ticket during a night shift. But then I thought to myself, I am essentially taking a gamble that I won't get a £40 ticket. So I paid the £2 and that was it.

It isn't a big deal but I guess I want to exclude any form of gambling from my life, who knows finding a clear windscreen without a fixed penalty notice could have a been a trigger.....

Think I am rambling now so will go to bed

That's a very positive way of looking at your recovery, that £2 was well worth spent.

Suzanne xxx

Things still going well from a gambling front. No bets, no urges, no significant thoughts of gambling.

Thanks for the kind words again Suzanne.

Got a lot on my plate at the moment, busy with work, impending move and other things. Busy is good, keeps my mind occupied. Have been feeling stressed recently, just as my mood picks up or something positive happens there seems to be a set back. I am just waiting for the tides to turn... I know they will but the past two months have been bloody hard.

I do try to stay positive and I am proud of what I have achieved over the past 46 days. I guess going from having the perfect life to a totally different set of circumstances is hard . Especially when it was your fault and totally avoidable.

I miss the ex terribly, she was my best friend and I think of her every day, she has had to go through so much change also. I feel terrible about what I have put her through, I get angry at myself about it, not really a nice person to be around when I am like that. I am not depressed, just grumpy and fed up.

Another day..... Pleased to say still gamble free! No urges, no thoughts!

Mood slightly better today, some good news from the specialist, my original injury is healing well, however I have a newer more proximal tear! It sets me back a week or two in the big moon boot I have to wear, but I don't need surgery which is good. Just need to be cautious on it.

Looking to buy an old motorbike to play with, something to tinker with in my spare time, a project. Got a counselling session tomorrow, think it will just be a phone call , I can't remeber exactly why we couldn't meet face to face .... There was a reason. Looking forward to my GA Mmeeting on Friday, I get a lot out of that!

Well that is all for now, I will post again in a few days

well it comes to the end of another day, it has been a challenging day, in fact a challenging week.

I went to my old house today, i have the removals men coming on monday to put all of my furniture into storage, i spent most of the day carefully trying to dismantle Ikea furniture - I think they make it to be built once and never taken to pieces or moved to another place. There were screws falling out left right and centre. Anyway the Job got done and i am set for the move on monday.

Mixed emotions about that.... it was really difficult brekaing everything down, i always thought the next time i would be doing that would be when me and the mrs moved into a house of our own.... how naieve i was and how saddening it was to be making that move due to gambling and a relationship breakdown. i am going to miss that house and albeit a short time there i do have some great memories.

There will be some relief to move on from the house, i guess it will mark some sort of fresh start for the ex and i. She has moved out now and i hope that her circumstances take a turn for the better, i know it hasnt been easy for her, She doesnt deserve to have gone through what she has.

ultimately there will be a financial relief as i will only be paying rent and my share of the bills in once place rather than two.

mood is slightly improved this evening, went to the GA meeting, i wasnt able to go last week due to work, so it was good to make the meeting, share in my recovery and catch up with the group. I find the meeting helpful, i think it is one of the only places where others really understand a gambling addiction, there is a sence of fellowship and i often come away feeling positive for the week ahead.

Busy week ahead with work, the move, courses, funeral and more work.... busy is good but i think i will be glad to see that week behind me also!!!

DAY 50 tomorrow!!!!

so today i moved out of my house and handed in the keys, got the furniture moved into storage, just waiting on a review of the property and a refund of deposit now. It feels good to finally get some closure on what has been a horrible two month.

No urges to gamble, fleeting thoughts and fashbacks about what has happened. gambling causes a strange relationship with money, its difficult to put it into words.

we gamble with money, the idea is to make money, but we rarely do. This causes a financial pressure which we try to resolve by gambling further, chasing losses. Often we gamble for distraction or escape... The money, winning or losing is a side issue. We find ourselves disparing at our financial circumstances and yet are still driven to gamble for some reason. sometimes only feeling a relief when there is no money left. impending bills or unforseen expenses can trigger a relapse or urges, the idea of winning enough to cover the cost. There is a multifactoral process going on there... it isnt one single thing that leads us to gamble, escape, distraction, depts, desire to win cash.

Trying to balance that whole mixture of emotions whilst commonly trying to deal with other life stresses is often of great difficulty for compulsive gamblers.

The past two months have been of huge stress and difficulty, both emotionally and financially. Coming to terms with what has happened, break up of a relationship, lies to family and friends, loss of vast quantity of money. There have been financial pressures also, rent and bills for two places, relisting fee for the house, removals, cancelling of digital TV, Storage,

The above has made me think of gambling, fleeting thoughts or urges, i have had oppertunities, and at times money to gamble. i am pleased that i have come through these two months without a relapse.

i think of the damage that this has caused to my closest friends and family, what i have put them through, look at my peers, look at the life i want to live. It has driven me to success so far. I have also drawn upon support from the gamcare councelling and GA meetings.

I have a very long way to go, making 50 days is by no means a milestone for me, it has been a target and something to acknowledge, but ultimately this is a change that i need to make for ever.

Dont really know where all that came from, just read it back, it hardly makes any sense. Guess i just needed to get it out, get it down on paper.

5 days since my last post, what busy week, i am absolutely shattered. Moved house, been on a 2 day course, been to london and back for a funeral and now i am working night shifts over the weekend. Needless to say i can not wait for monday to have a break.

things seem to be going well otherwise, i havent gambled which is really positive and something i am really proud of, my sisters both seem to have sorted out housing issues. One has bought her first house and the other has found a flat mate to move in with.

The course i went on was good, i seemed to impress the instructors and have been asked if i would like to be an instructor on the course which again is a positive thing. probably wouldnt have happened had i been gambling as my preparation for the course wouldnt have been very good.

moving on, it is day 57 today, the days seem to be rolling on by. met up with some friends yesterdy for lunch which was nice, having said that i do feel a little lonely at times, i feel like i have lost my sense of belonging. I know i will find it again and get my life back on track socially. i think with everything that has gone on with gambling, breaking up, moving back home, injury to the ankle life has been put on hold in many ways.

I am looking forward to getting life back on track, living life and enjoying it more and more.

Day 60 Today.... been a tough week, there is a bit of stress at the moment, just trying to stay positive.

Have purchased an old motorbike which i am looking to restore as a project / hobby. I al looking forward to starting that. Bike arrives on sunday.

Got a few days off work coming up - it will be a well welcomed break. Not really had a holiday or break since february.

a guess a huge positive is that it is 60 days since my last hiccup, onwards and upwards.

Well another day rolls on... day 62 today.

Got councelling today at 10 am and then work until 8pm. Looking forward to the councelling, not been for a few weeks due to other commitments.

Going to be working tomorrow night so no GA this week but at least i will have been to councelling. My firday is free next week so will definately be going to the meeting next week.

Otherwise seem to be doing ok, mood is stable, looking forward to taking delivery of a 1977 honda CB 750 " my project Bike" going to use this to fill my spare time, learn about motobikes, engines and ultimately renovate this bike into something i can ride next summer.

pleased with my progress so far, to go from gambling nearly every day to nothing for 62 days.... it feels like quite an achievement. however in the grand scheme of things If i live to 80 i have 18,615 more days, 62 is rather insignificant but at least it is a start.

trying to stay positive, tackle each day as it comes, working hard and looking forward to the future.