My diary 14hrs gamble free

Day 6

I've woke up feeling very uneasy but can't quite put my finger on it. My parents arrived home yesterday after 17 days away and it feels absolutely terrible not to unload the whole truth. I feel entrenched in shame and by being honest I'm going to face more disappointment, anger and shame from them. I feel it's impossible to tell them the truth without facing a backlash. The reality is I can be debt free in 10 months and just allow them to believe that I have savings. It just feels horrible that they don't know the truth but I have to protect myself from further relapse risk. I feel highly irritable/anxious in this current moment and trying to let it be and pass because I could definitely escape this temporarily in addiction. I have an eye check this morning but no other plans the rest of the day.

Has anyone else suffered an emotional struggle in the first week?

Day 6 nearly over....

Todays been a mixed day

I went to the wetherspoons early this morning with my book for a cup of tea. I sat down not quite feeling right. I felt uneasy with lots of feelings and emotions which I found hard to label. I sat away from the slot machines but it felt as if they were calling me and my mind was having flashbacks of the rare times in the past when I had won money. I managed to play the whole tape to the end to remember the times I'd walked out in ruin and lost £500 in a £100 jackpot machine. While I was sat in the wetherspoons I reached out to some others that I know online to express my feelings which made me feel better. I soon left and went to the local community centre to enquire about events that would help me to make new friends and interact with others. I found quite a few activities that are suitable which is promising as I'm suffering an emptiness void without gambling. When I got back home I went on recovery road online and connected to 2 zoom meetings which felt great to connect with other recovering addicts.

That's about it for today. 

Hi

You are doing so well, keep up the awesome work! I have certainly had some emotional struggles since quitting, as I no longer had gambling to loose myself in. It does get better day by day.

You got this 💪 

Thank Roxy247,

I appreciate the kind words.

Day 7

Today has been a tough day....

Before I left home to go to work my mum asked how I was doing on the gambling front as she knew I was doing some horse bets. She didn't know about the disaster that had occurred as a result of a visit to the casino followed by a crippling chase on online slots trying to recoup losses from the casino. I decided to take this opportunity to be rigorously honest about what happened. I really didn't want to tell her because of the shame I was feeling but couldn't live with secrets. I told her about all the steps I have taken over the last week to get my life back on track. She seemed to understand and hope I haven't broke her heart and cause her to suffer future worry and sleepless nights. I feel better for being able to be honest as the programme recommends rigorous honest. After all secrets keep us sick. 

Other than the above I've had a good day at work and have ARA gambling recovery phone call tomorrow regarding counselling. I've been attending recovery road online zoom meetings which I have found to be of great help.

That's it from me!

The start of day 8.

I've woke up feeling under the weather this morning. I feel like I'm coming down with something as I've got a really tight chest and headache. I've got the day off today and plan to get some adequate rest. I've not really got any plans today other than a phone session with ARA and a eye check up appointment. I keep reminding myself that I just have to live in today and not the past or the future. I find that my mind wanders to the past, thinking of all the mistakes I've made and how different my life could have been (all this does is make me feel bad about myself and too much of this has the potential of pushing me back in to relapse to escape the sad feelings I feel when I fixate on the past). The other side of this is looking ahead and thinking that I have to work 10 months to end up at zero, living at home with my parents at the age of 47. Both of the above causes my to feel incredibly sad. I know living in today is the solution to both but it's incredibly difficult when I've never been able to live in the moment/day. There's no reason to keep beating myself over the consequences of my addiction and serves no purpose than making myself feel miserable. 

@walliss77. Your doing so well.  I can definitely relate to the emotions your experiencing..see my diary "finally"  o was the same a week or so ago,  stick with it 🙂 

Day 9

I've just woke up after a very disturbed and restless sleep. I have a 13hr working day ahead of me which I'm not looking forward to. My day off Yesterday went by without any hiccups. I'm not sure if having the telephone conversation with ARA gambling recovery services brought up some difficult things to talk about and ultimately affected my sleep. I met up with a friend later in the evening for a few frames of snooker. Afterwards we would normally have £20 or £40 each in the slot machine but during our snooker i opened up and told him about my struggles with gambling and recovery route going forward which he showed great respect for me. I also hooked up with recovery road online attended a couple of zoom meetings.

I feel I'm doing good but I still struggle with the character defect of impatience, wishing I was debt free now and had longer recovery time. I guess the things we work the hardest for turn out to be the most rewarding. 

Not sure if I'll check in later as it will be late and might just hit the sack! 

Day 9 completed. 

It's been a long tiring day but a successful one nonetheless. Even though I'm only 9 days in to my recovery I'm finding everyday easier. Working in a bookies seems to be good for my recovery as it really highlights there's only one winner when it comes to gambling and it's definitely not the punter. I'm quite surprised how quick the time passes and the reduced stress and anxiety from not gambling is an absolute godsend. 

Time for some much needed sleep. 

Day 10 ahead.....

I've woke up still not feeling great although I feel like I slept considerably better than the previous night. I've got a shorter day ahead of me as i finish at 6pm today instead of the usual 9pm. After finishing work and having tea I'm planning on joining a recovery road online zoom meeting. I've had alot of people ask me at work if I fancy anything in the racing or How's my luck. I'm having to accept this in the short-term because I've always spoke about my wins/losses to my customers and is only natural for them to ask. I've had a few conversations with some outlining my reach for help and what a problem gambling is for me. I've received a great response in terms of respect and support. I've had a couple of people say they wish they could do it and in return I've said it's down the desire to change, the support you seek and the work you put in.

Check in again later! 

Day 10 coming to a close....

Today's been another positive day. I've had a good day at work and feel like I'm getting some really good feedback from customers I used to talk to about racing when I tell them the truth, that gambling has had a negative impact on my life and I'm in recovery. It feels like they respect me for my honesty and willingness to do something about it and feel that some others wish they could also do that. I'm sleeping and eating better and feel very relaxed without the stress/anxiety that gambling brought. I've stopped thinking about money and not wishing my time away to get debt free. Money problems dissolve when recovery happens so patience and hard work in my recovery are all that's needed. I've got a busy Saturday at work tomorrow as my manager is on holiday and as deputy manager I have to run the shop which I'm well capable of.

That's it from me! 

Day 11

Just finished my 14hr shift in a busy betting shop and feel absolutely knackered. With every day that passes I'm more put off by gambling. Viewing it from behind the counter seeing the madness unfold (especially on the fobts's) concretes my drive for abstinence. Seeing the roller coaster of emotions that the customers go through is enough to put you off for life. I've still had the odd punter ask me what I fancy on the racing and I think alot are quite surprised that I'm no longer gambling. I think it's been over 10yrs since I've achieved this long and am super proud of myself. Looking forward to my 2 days off now.

Time for bed and some much needed rest.

Day 12

I've had a pleasant day off from work today. I went for a nice morning walk and found that I noticed things that I haven't been aware of before because my head was too focused on placing the next bet or self condemnation from the recent losses. I actually heard the birds singing whilst out walking, I'm sure they've been singing when I've been out before and just not noticed. I visited the wetherspoons and had a nice cup of tea and read my book whilst sitting in the sun. I sat down to a nice Sunday roast that my mum kindly cooked and got to eat it with my family which wouldn't have been the norm because I would have been in the bookies picking out horses and would have heated my food up later and ate on my own. I'm actually developing a healthier sense of self from not having the fall out from gambling. The self condemnation has ceased and I see my self as a good person who has alot to offer. Most importantly I see a good future ahead. I'm no longer full of anxiety and stress, worried about money troubles. I'm absolutely blessed that I have debt that is not incurring lots of interest to pay on top. I no longer have to worry about money because the debt will be paid off within 10 months if I stay gamble free one day at a time. I feel truly blessed today. Money comes and goes and for me is not the be all however time lost from gambling doesn't come back to me and I'm not going to waste any more time. I'm 47yrs old and hopefully I've got a good amount of years left. It's never too late yo implement change for a better life!

Today I'm happy because I've chosen to be!

Awesome diary so far. So good to see how quickly you've changed and can see the world as a non gambler. Enjoying things we could never do before really is a magical part of quitting. 10 months will fly by. I started my journey about 7 months ago and the time has disappeared. I've also become a whole new person and you will too.

Today you are happy because you've chosen to be. You've chose not to gamble. Happiness comes with that. Good choice!!

Keep posting, and keep enjoying life.

Stay strong 👍 

Day 13.

I've had another day off work today. I stayed in bed a little longer than normal and had a great nights sleep. It's amazing how much my sleep has improved since I've stopped gambling. The stress my body must have been under must have been incredible. Looking back I don't know how I was gambling online losing thousands in one sitting and then doing 12hrs working in the bookies on 3hrs sleep. It's only been 13 days but words cannot express the pride I have for myself. I've opened open to many people about my truth and have received great respect for my honesty. I know that secrets can be massive triggers for relapse and didn't want that to happen with myself. I've been on a couple of zoom meetings today with recovery road online which I find extremely relatable. I've not shared much because I want to absorb as much information and apply it to myself. Although I've often felt that gambling is a financial problem It's not. It's an emotional problem with financial consequences. The financial fallout is the tip of the iceberg and the easiest to fix, however the work on self is going to be a daily life long journey. I've been focusing on the people in recovery that are actually living recovery and not just abstinence. I need guidance from others that are living the way I would like and do what they do. I'm blessed that I am humble Although I never used to be. I would quite happily talk over someone and dismiss all they had to say because I knew best even though my life was in ruin. I'm teachable today because I don't have the answers! The day I think I know everything is the day I'm screwed.

I've got 2 very long days at coming up at work.

Check back soon!