My diary 14hrs gamble free

Day 18,

It's been a very long few days at work but have managed to do alot of reflecting. I was thinking back to 2009 when I hit a major gambling crisis and decided to go to rehab. It was a 12 week course that was run by someone who was a recovering alcoholic/counsellor. The course was based around the 12 steps of the aa programme. Looking back It's become crystal clear to me where I've gone wrong. I've found the old me who's run on self will who's been self-centred and an ego maniac. Ive realised the whole 12 step programme is designed for the ego maniac who's got a very low opinion of self to the point that the ego has to step in as a form of protection. Every step in the programme is designed to take me down a peg or two so the false pride and ego can be crushed and that healthy pride, humility, self respect, integrity and a loving relationship can develop with my self. I had some great recovery during rehab and after when I continued to go to meetings and apply the programme daily to my life. After a few years my thinking decided I was cured and the daily medication I needed as a sick person would take I gave up. I stopped mixing with recovering addicts and associated with active addicts, I stopped going to meetings and I soon found the old me with the same old behaviours and consequences. The sick person that needs medication for my recovery everyday because the medication I've had in the past will not keep me well today.

I'm looking forward to my day off today and getting on some zoom meetings.

Overall I'm feeling very good and have some healthy pride and integrity developing again thanks to the work I'm putting into the programme to ground me daily. 

I'll be back!

Over 6 weeks now....

I haven't posted on here for a while however I've been very busy doing lot's of work on myself. 

I've come to realise that my recovery is less about the number of days and more about the quality of my recovery. I've had many spells where I've not gambled for many weeks however I've still been anxious, irritable, defensive, moody, angry, fearful and resentful. 

This time I'm taking a good look at who I am with all of my vulnerabilities. I'm someone who carries emotional pain from the past, I have an inner child that's hurt and is emotionally traumatised. My sense of self was damaged in childhood and has been repeatedly damaged by addiction in adulthood.

I've known for a long long time that I've not been emotionally well and that my addiction is only a very small part of the problem. 

Over the last few weeks I started doing two online diploma courses on borderline personality disorder and inner child counselling. It was as though it was made for me. Every thing it describes has been me. It's made me fully aware how I've developed and also how I can change. I've faced some difficult past events and managed to re-frame them, which has resulted in more beneficial beliefs i can apply about myself. The negative statements towards myself, black and white thinking, mind reading, projection, negative statements towards myself have all ceased. Through mindfulness I'm using every opportunity I can to break down the reinforced negative neural pathways I have built and am building a new construct about myself. 

I feel like a totally different person. I have also now been smoke free for 15 days and don't even crave it. I think the reason I've found it so easy to stop is because I'm being able to regulate my feelings emotions. 

I'll be back!